Not Looking for Love

by Anjela Day

  “What’s wrong?” he asked. I said nothing.

  “He beat you don’t he.” I wouldn’t even part my lips to answer him.

  “Man I’ve been waiting a few years to be yo man and you think I just want to hit”

  I turned and looked at him. He turned me over facing him.

  “I want you not just yo body I want you when I hear yo voiced my day is perfect. The other night I heard him I would have killed him myself. Tell me that you want me better yet tell me that you don’t and I will go.” A deep sigh left my body. I didn't know what I wanted any more. I just knew that I felt a million times better in his arms. He pulled me into him, and I didn't fight. I laid my head on his chest and went to sleep. I feel something hard in his pocket. I couldn’t fall completely to sleep I kept waking up to see if he was still there. He kissed my face softly.

  “I got you, babe, nobody going to hurt you again.” I dozed off and I could feel him move me to the bed and cover my body I heard the door slam. Damn, I knew it was too good to be true. Then I heard two voices. I got up and went into the living room where Cali was standing in front of my chair and he was talking. To someone.

  “Baby what you doing I asked.” He turned around and licked his lips

  “ go to bed baby” I looked over and there was Rasheed My heart dropped. I ran to him

  “Baby please I didn’t do anything please forgive me.” Cali grabbed me. Put his arm around my waste “What are you doing babe? Go lay down I got you. I looked at Rasheed he had this smug look on his face. He pointed to the ground and I walked over to him. Cali just looked at me.

  “baby go lay down I got you.” I don’t know why I felt safe when he said that. I also noticed that body was uncovered and you could see every scar and bruise that Rasheed had left on me. I went into the bedroom and closed the door sat on the bed and for the first time took a hard look at my body. I could hear glass break and wood squeak. It was about an hour I heard more voices then the door opened Cali walked in closed the door laid down and pulled me on top him. He closed his eyes and said I got you.

  Once again I had been in a crazy relationship only to be saved by this white knight. What was going on with my life what kind of trip was I on could Cali be the one what was I thinking I needed to end it with him it was too soon. What if Sheed came back. Oh My God Rasheed.

  What if he came back? He’s gone to kill me this time. I know I couldn’t take another beating. At least he loved me Cali didn’t love me. I had to go to Rasheed I was lying next to this gorgeous man that I had wanted for three years and all I can think about is Rasheed A part of me needed him. I looked over to the side of me to see Cali and my heart began to race. I rolled out of the bed and slid on to the floor. I grabbed the phone off the base. As I dialed the numbers I began to sob. My body shook what was wrong with me. Cali sat up on the edge of the bed and looked at me. What in the hell had come here? I just sat there and shook. I began to scratch myself and then pull my hair out. Sweat started to run down my face. Every time he tried to grab me I shook I bit my bottom lip it was like I was having an outer body experience. I could feel myself look at myself I shook so bad I peed all over the floor. And all Cali could do was watch. It was at that moment that I hated myself. The person I once would look at an admire I hated. I found a million and one reasons why I should hate myself. I knew that I was the reason that men hated me and no man would ever love me. Not for real at least. At that moment I was a new person I couldn’t go back to being that sweet fun loving girl. I was A loner that wouldn’t love anyone not even myself. It had to had been a week since I last talked to Cali. Not from lack of him trying. I just couldn’t face him. Hell, I couldn’t face myself to look in the mirror was pure torture. Where I use to see this sexy thick black girl with long hair and a smile that could light up a room. I now saw this dirty scared little girl that went from thick and sexy to fat and sloppy. Nothing fit. My hair always felt dirty I always felt dirty. Fear was setting in that I was nothing. The truth is at this point I was. I had let work become a gate and I was on the outside. I was watching these girls that I had trained with and work with live there dreams and become professional dancers. Where I always felt like I had more talent than most and I was nothing more than an assistant to a professional. I would go to work every day ready to work, but I would end up finding reasons, why I hit, wasn’t me on the floor. I was in my bosses office watching Video profiles of dancer and I came across this girl I danced with when I was like thirteen Abby. To watch her so

  graceful so free I hated myself even more. I felt that something was missing out of my life. Like the little light in my heart had going out and it was unclear who Aneisha was. I looked for something to fill that void in everything. But I had to face it my smile was gone. I was now this drone that went day to day just trying to make it. The only thing that came close to making me happy was food. Now that was my crutch ice-cream when I was mad. Pizza when I was lonely and both when I just needed a pick me up. What did it matter in my reflection all I saw was this ugly fat lifeless person that wanted it all but couldn’t reach it. At work, it got harder to focus when I just wished it was me and not them. I hated everything. Maybe dating was the thing. Maybe I needed love in my life to feel better. Still, I knew that love wasn’t for me. I had to be strong and find control in my life. I went out with a few guys but no one really clicked they weren’t my type needy or dirty anyway it went I needed someone who knew what they wanted. The little girl lost needed someone found imagine that. and knew how to get it. Just in that thought, I knew I was no longer that sweet girl. Talk about when good girls go bad. I was horrible. I felt different I knew that I was stronger but I was powered by hate. I wanted it all. I had a different outlook on life. No matter what the strength I was gone take it and run. I got offered a chance to model for this plus size store in the suburbs just do a couple fashion shows and show up at two of the grand openings. I took the offer and ran I was now super bitch. Something to add to my ego. I needed a big Ego to hide the hatred that I had towards myself. No one could talk to me I made men make appointments just to take me out and spend time with me. Phone calls were a joke because if you didn’t call me we wouldn’t talk and that’s if I talked to you at all. I was making moves and it was moving fast work in the day store appearances at night. I never did illegal drugs but Diet pills were my new friend. I would pop four or five at a time and drink water all day Food was now a distant friend. It would be times that I would be at work and brake into a cold sweat or stand up and fall right back down in my chair. I met this girl Lorna at a photo shoot that the store was having she went from a size 22 to 24 in less than a year and was a model for a big-time fashion store in New York City. She toughs me that the key to taking pills was to eat crackers or salty food that way yo body thought that it was getting a lot when it really wasn’t getting anything. My head hurt all the time but it was the price of finding my beauty. And I was gone to do just that. I was losing weight and felt so good I even had the confidence to talk to the guy that I really wanted. It was the night before my 21st birthday and I could only think of one person I wanted to be with. Cali, I jumped in a cab and off to his house I went without so much of a phone call. Thoughts ran through my mind but who cared I was ready and Don always told me when your ready you step up or fall off. I got to his house about ten o clock that night. I stood on his porch and took a deep breath. It was now or never. I knocked on the door and just waited for a girl to answer so I would have a reason to chicken out. When Cali Opened the door he was topless and sexy as ever. He looked at me and let out this smirked. He stepped outside. And closed the door behind him. Look at you looking all dolled up and is that makeup wow. He said I leaned up against the porch and looked him up and down . So are you alone I asked. He licked his lips and said nothing. Well I asked again. Naw my crew in the house. I nodded my head and looked up so u seeing someone he just let a light chuckle out he grabbed my face and just began to kiss me. I stood up and wrapped my arms around him . He began to
walk backwards and opened the door. He walked backwards as he held my hips and walked me in the house. I slid my coat off as we walked thru the house reveling this short black dress that was hiked up in the back. We walked passed his friends that were in the living room playing video games and drinking beer. You could hear them cheer him on as he walked towards his room. We made it to his room and I could hear the door slam . My body jumped he pushed me onto the bed but my body was in freeze mode . As he climbed on top of me I know he could feel that I had slowed down. I had the sound of a door slamming in my head and all I could think of DJ. It was becoming clear to me that this is something I would never get over. I kept trying to find the mood again but I was out of it I jumped up and put my hands over my face. I'm sorry I want you so bad I just can’t. He licked his lips and stood up taking his right hand and wiping his face . He held his hand out and pulled me off the bed . “ Alright then see you” he said with this smug look on his face. I didn’t know what I was thinking that after all that time we could pick up where we left off. I grabbed my jacket and opened the door . Held my head up as I walked passed his friends my hands were trembling. I know I shouldn't have cared what they would think but I did. As I walked to that front door I wanted to shrink into a mouse and run by . I got to the front door and began to unlock the door my hands shook so hard that I couldn’t turn the nob. I could feel all of them looking at me. I opened the door I felt my arm jerk the door slammed in my face and I was up against the door. Cali was in my face with this hard grim on his face. “Look I'm sick of this little kid I like you I don’t like you I want to be friends I want to be ya women shit. If You mine you mine if not there's the door use that bitch and don’t look back.” My eyes squinted I looked at him as if he was really dumb I could still feel his hand on my arm. Call me crazy or damaged but that turned me on. The thought that he was in charge of this. I didn’t know how to react or reply so I did what I did best I put up this front like I was this hard street chick. I bit my bottom lip snatched my arm away opened the door turned towards him and said It's you that didn’t want me if I recall. I walked out the door and slammed it behind me. As I stood on that cold porch with my phone in my hand I couldn’t help but to wonder if yet again I had made this huge mistake

  ***

  I stood on that porch waiting for the cab and thinking my life and the things I did the choices I had made. I glanced at my watch and it was 12: 03 I was officially 21. What a year I thought the front door open and I looked out the corner of my eye to see who it was as I stepped to the side to let them past. He stood next to me. You want me to take you home Cali asked. . I shook my head no. he sat on the steps and pulled my hand. I looked at the ground then at him. I rolled my eyes and kept standing.

  “Man that's what’s wrong with you, you think you are too good for anything. Sit yo ass down” I rolled my eyes and just gave him a stern look. I stepped down and sat beside him crossing my legs and shivering. He laughed.

  “What is it that you want dude? I asked in a smug way.

  “Happy birthday punk. He held his hand up and wrapped it around me. I felt myself becoming vendible and ready to just let him be this knight that I was so use to. I sat up and knew that I didn’t want that. I just wanted Love but I knew that would hurt to so I had to be strong and show men that I was not weak.

  “What do you want Neisha? Because I’m not gone keep kissing yo ass. You got the wrong one for that shit I want you that’s not enough. You not ready for sex I can work wit that but don’t pull my dick out. I’m sick of little girls! I thought you were grown.” I couldn’t stop looking at him. Man a million things must have run through my head but the one question I kept asking myself was why I am running. I thought about Don and how short life really was. I stood up and walked into the house. His friends tried hard not to look as I walked back into his room. It was this one that couldn’t keep a straight face, Aaron, he just began to laugh. Damn is you gone give him some this time? He shouted out. Cali picked the video game controller up off the ground and tossed it at him. We went into his bedroom and lied in the bed. I took out my phone to call and cancel the cab I had called and Cali hung up. Man, there wasn’t a cab coming I cancel that shit like an hour ago. I looked at him and laughed. As we lied in the bed I wanted to tell him everything my whole life story but something stopped me. I just wanted to tell him my whole past, but I had gotten so good holding my past in I couldn’t bear for him to judge me.

  That Night I had to show out it was my birthday. Not just any birthday but my 21st birthday and enjoy every second. I woke up about 11:30am and on Cali’s bed was this black jean jumper with a pair of three hundred dollar heels a man’s name I couldn’t even pronounce. I looked around and Cali was nowhere in sight. I walked in the bathroom a brand new toothbrush was on the sink a wash rag and towel. A new pair of panties and other women products. It was crazy but I wasn’t about to waste my Cinderella story I jumped in the shower and let the hot water run down my hair. I knew that it would take about an hour for it to dry but I was finally having a good day. I got dressed and everything fit like a glove. I walked out of his room into the living room and walked around. Cali was nowhere in sight. I called out for him but there was no answer. I walked in the kitchen and there his friend Aaron sat. They called him A-Rod I called him Aaron to annoy him. He smiled at me and introduced his self.

  “I know who you are Aaron.” I said and he laughed.

  “A-rod he corrected.

  “Cali had to go to work but he will be home tonight at about 11. So he told me to take you out let you get what you need.” I was puzzled wasn’t that my man’s job. to spoil me and take me out. I rolled my eyes walked over to his house phone and called my coworker Lacey. I was gone have fun and it wasn’t gone be with some dude I just met. A day of shopping and hanging with my friends was supposed to be ended it with Cali and I hanging out I got home and spent about four hours to get dressed waiting to go out with Cali and what a shock 11:00 O’clock came and went. Not even a call. Why do I put any faith in people when I know that I’m on my own. I still wanted to be with him to just spend the night maybe even give myself to him. Needless to say, I waited up till about 4 am and not one call. It was a week before I would even see Cali. Crazy but it felt like dejavu I was walking out the store drinking a cranberry juice and I saw these three guys standing in a huddle and one had this really big dog on a chain. I tried to pretend I didn’t see him and walk by but his dog began to bark and I jumped I dropped my juice and the glass shattered all over the ground. He looked back at me and turned back to his friends. I walked past and kept my smile on my face. Just kept walking. I heard a voice shout hey bitch bend over and let me see yo ass. I turned around and walked towards him. He was lucky I couldn't fight a man. I was itching to put him in his place. I walked over to Cali I just knew that it was him that would say something so mean to me. Went straight over to him and looked dead into his eyes dog and all would have to bite me and I was not about to back down. He grabbed my arm and pushed me back. I looked up at him and thought not worth it. I turned to walk away and he grabbed me.

  “So what are you going to do whoop my ass?” He roared and I paused ready to do just that. My blood was boiling was he doubting me did he really think that because he was a man I wouldn’t pick something up and beat his ass.

  “Man what’s yo deal? He asked like he was shocked we had stopped talking to me.

  “Man you play too much little girl gone.” “ So why you keep pulling me back be a man and let me go.” He released my arm and I walked home. Still running through my head why he would call me out and disrespect me when a week ago he was trying to be my man I guess that’s how men were and it was a blessing that I had held my heart.

  I thought about Adonis and that it had been a year since he died. I guess the only way I could move on is to go back. I went to his place of rest and what a shock his grave was just as we left it. I sat on the ground and just talked to him hoping for a little clearly wiping away my tears just think
ing about my wedding day How I stood in front of those people thinking how much I hated him and he was already gone. Funny but I found reasons to hate myself and make myself feel lower than dirt. Every time I tried to snap out of it I would bring myself down again. I guess that was the clarity I needed I got up and went to Cali ’s house. I was sick of sitting in the dark in my own life never knowing why something ended. I banged on the door. Trying to hold this cold grim on my face everything I was gone say was already in my head all I had to do is let it flow. He opened the door and I pushed my way in. What a shock to see a house full of dudes once again just chilling. I cleared my throat. However, my mouth did not form words. As I looked at all of those men I was feeling very shy and uneasy. It was now or never I thought to myself.

  “Really Cali that’s how you fuckin feel!”

  “Da fuck you talkin bout” He said taking to steps back from me. His arms covered his chest and he sucked his teeth.

  “Just a week ago you all in and, that bull shit, and—

  I sucked my teeth and looked at his boys.

  “Guess I should have known you were on that BS though.”

  “What the fuck you mean I was on BS, get the fuck on with that shit ma!”

  “Man fuck you Kahili; I’m not gone be nobody’s bitch—

  “Nobody asking you to be man ma you need to chill the fuck out!”

  “So you didn’t call me a bitch today? Fuck ever, man!” He smiled and got in my face bending down so we were an eye.

  “Aneisha if I wanted to call you a fuckin Bitch you would be just that a bitch! You know I would never disrespect yo ass like that. Oh, but the nigga that said it he won't use those words again! That’s my word!” he said stepping back and looking me over like a menu.

  “Look here you are my Bitch, so come in here checking me again be ready to get put in yo fuckin place. He walked into my space resting his hands on my waist. Bending to kiss my lips softly. I shivered and tried to pull back. Cali wasn’t trying to let me go and truthfully I didn’t want him to.