The Boy Who Has No Redemption

by Victoria Quinn

  I shrugged. “Being miserable is a full-time job these days…”

  He gave me a sad look before he patted me on the shoulder. “Mom told me everything that’s happening with Emerson. I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah…” I bowed my head.

  “I can talk to her. She seemed to like me.”

  “I’m good, Dex.”

  “Come on, who’s better to talk you up than your brother?”

  “I don’t think she cares about my degrees, my money, or the time I saved you at the lake. The only thing she cares about is something I shattered…and I can never fix it.”

  “I don’t know about that, man. I think we make mistakes when we’re mentally disturbed, but if someone loves you, they’re going to love you despite your errors. If you really love someone, you always love them. But if you don’t love them, you never loved them in the first place. I know which one Emerson is.”

  We sat in the doctor’s office, my parents in the two armchairs in the front while Dex and I stood behind them. My hand was on Mom’s shoulder, feeling the relaxed muscle underneath because she wasn’t tense at all.

  My dad was the one who looked like he was going to throw up on his shoes. Now that we were about to receive definitive data about Mom’s progress, he couldn’t keep it together, not even in front of her. He knew what it was like to be behind that desk, to give people the best news of their lives or the worst. The anxiety made him breathe hard, made him so rigid that he couldn’t even hold her hand. The possibility of losing her terrified him to insanity.

  Dex rubbed his shoulder as he stood over him. “It’s gonna be alright, Dad.”

  Mom reached across the end table and grabbed my dad’s hand, giving him a comforting squeeze.

  He closed his eyes at her touch and leaned over her hand so he could rest his lips against her knuckles. He just stayed that way, his quiet tears dropping onto her skin.

  Watching my father go through this was the hardest thing I’d ever endured.

  The door opened, and the doctor walked inside.

  My dad sat up but didn’t wipe his tears away, unashamed of his emotion, not giving a damn what anyone thought of him. He brought her hand to his lips and held it there, using her touch as the only comfort that would make a difference.

  “Ready?” The doctor opened the folder and looked at my parents.

  Dad didn’t respond.

  My mother took the reins. “Yes. We’re ready.”

  Dad couldn’t even look at the doctor. He just stared at the floor, so overwhelmed that he couldn’t compose himself whatsoever.

  The doctor went over the numbers briefly then got to the scans. “The tumor has shrunk by eighty percent. Her body is responding to the treatment and responding very well—”

  “Oh Jesus fucking Christ.” Dad started to hyperventilate, dropping her hand and leaning forward, gripping his chest like he couldn’t breathe.

  It was the first time Mom dropped her placid look, her eyes watering as she watched my dad fall apart at the news.

  Dex kneeled and rubbed his back.

  “Thank you…thank you.” His tears dropped to the rug between his shoes, and he continued to claw at his chest like he was finally allowing his lungs to breathe for the first time since this happened. “Oh fuck…”

  Dex started to cry as he watched our dad come apart.

  I moved to kneel at Mom’s side and held her hand. “Looks like you were right.”

  She didn’t seem to hear me because all she could do was stare at Dad.

  The doctor kept his composure as we reacted. “We need to stay diligent. We need to keep up this fight. But your odds look very good, Mrs. Hamilton.”

  Dad left the chair and moved to the floor in front of Mom. On his knees, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close, sobbing against her, squeezing her tight, whispering to her. “Baby…baby.”

  She started to cry too, holding Dad against her chest, rubbing his back as she listened to him cry.

  Tears drenched my cheeks as I watched them together, watched two people love each other unconditionally, wear their hearts on their sleeves, and rejoice in tears. My hand moved to Dad’s back, so he knew I was there. Dex came next, getting on his knees beside Dad.

  The doctor silently excused himself from the room.

  Mom wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me close.

  Dad got Dex and pulled him into the group hug.

  The three of us were on our knees as we held on to Mom, every one of us crying, every one of us emotional with hope.

  I wanted to give the good news in person rather than over the phone.

  And I also just wanted to see her…because I needed her.

  Good news made me just as emotional as bad news; it made me need support just as much. I wanted to be with the woman I loved, the woman who could bring me to my knees the way my mother brought my father to his. I knew I fucked up, I knew I didn’t deserve her, but she was my everything.

  I couldn’t change the way I felt about her.

  I knocked on her door and waited.

  A moment later, it opened. Emerson stood there in tight yoga pants with a loose t-shirt that hung off one shoulder. Her hair was up and her makeup was gone, like she and Lizzie were winding down at the end of their night.

  She’d never looked more beautiful to me.

  I missed those quiet nights where we watched a movie then went to bed. It was uneventful and predictable, but it was comfortable. In her bedroom, we had to be quiet so Lizzie wouldn’t hear us, but that didn’t diminish the passion or desire.

  She wasn’t hostile toward me anymore because of the circumstances, but she didn’t ooze passionate love like she had before. She kept one hand on the door as she stared at me, not inviting me inside. “Everything okay?”

  I nodded. “We had a doctor’s appointment today.”

  She stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind her. Her arms crossed over her chest, and she looked afraid that I’d come to bring bad news.

  “She still has to stay on chemo and keep fighting, but the tumor has shrunk by eighty percent…” The emotion caught in my throat, so I had to clear it. My eyes moistened, but they seemed to be moist all the time lately.

  She inhaled a deep breath that almost sounded like a gasp before she launched her body into mine, her arms circling my neck, her affection aimed to comfort herself as much as to comfort me.

  My arms surrounded her, and I held her close to me, my chin resting on her head because she was barefoot. My arms were so comfortable around her petite size, my hands cupped her sides along her ribs, my nose inhaling her perfume that I could still smell in my penthouse at the most random times.

  I closed my eyes and held her, appreciating the moment deeply, squeezing every drop out of it that I could. I wanted it to last forever. I wanted this to be my life every single day. Why did I let it go in the first place? Why did I allow myself to lose the best woman I’d ever been with? “I love you.” It felt good to say it, even if she didn’t say it back. Just for her to know how I felt was a relief, a weight off my chest. “I love you so much.” I never wanted her to be in that chair the way my mother had been today. I never wanted to be on my knees in front of her, sobbing like that. But I wanted to have what they had, and that was exactly what we had. I would give up my life for hers in a heartbeat. I would be distraught and incapacitated at just the thought of losing her.

  She slowly stepped out from my grasp, her eyes slightly wet. “I’m really happy to hear that.”

  I was disappointed she didn’t say it back, but I was grateful I had the opportunity to say it, because I didn’t say it enough before. “We are too. My dad…is doing a lot better already. When we got home, he immediately went to the couch and passed out. He just knocked out.”

  “Because he’s been carrying that stress for so long. It makes sense.”

  “Yeah.” Now that my mom had a strong likelihood of beating this thing, I could probably get a full night of s
leep tonight too. But Emerson still haunted me, that regret. “Dex is staying with me until tomorrow.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “And my sister is staying with my parents until the semester is over.”

  “Oh, your mom will love that.”

  “Yeah, she will.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest, cutting herself off from me again.

  I lingered in front of her, knowing I should leave, but I had nowhere to go. This was home to me now. “I want you to know I’m not seeing anybody. I haven’t seen anyone since I found out about Mom.” I’d never tried to win a woman back, so I had no idea how to do it. I just told her the thoughts as they came into my mind. “I know you don’t want me, but I can’t picture being with anyone but you…so I just can’t do it. And when I saw how my father lost it today…, the way he loves my mom so deeply, it reminded me of myself… It reminded me of us. Emerson, what we have is so—”

  “Derek.” She dropped her gaze to the floor.

  “You think I’m just going to stop loving you?” I whispered. “No. And you aren’t going to stop loving me either. We love each other in a way most people don’t, and that’s worth fighting for.”

  “I fought for you for a very long time, Derek—”

  “And now I’m fighting for you. I’m in this relationship even if you aren’t. I’m here. I’m going to be here forever until you join me.” There was nobody else for me. I couldn’t go to a club and pick up a woman. I couldn’t get on a dating app. I couldn’t do any of that because it would be cheating, at least to me—that was how committed I was. “I wasn’t what you deserved before, but now I am. And I’ll be the best damn man the world has ever seen.”

  She kept her eyes on the floor. “Derek, you forget that there’s two of us…not one.” She lifted her eyes and looked at me. “I told you we came as a set. My daughter is the most important thing in the world to me, but I took the risk of letting her get attached to you, and you broke her heart. You don’t have kids, so you don’t understand how fragile they are, even if they act tough all the time. And it’s not just what you did to my daughter that hurts, but the fact that my daughter had to witness my complete demise. Those are memories she’ll have forever, Derek. You said you would be a great father to her, but you don’t even understand the first thing about being a parent. If you did, you would have handled that better. But you put yourself first. You didn’t put her first—which is the number one rule of being a parent.”

  I dropped my gaze in shame.

  “You think I enjoy tearing you down like this?” she whispered. “I don’t.”

  I took a breath before I looked at her again.

  “Please stop making me do this—”

  “I have to. Even if it hurts, I have to. Because the three of us are a family—I want us to be a family.”

  She gave a loud sigh. “Derek, I know you’ve just opened your eyes, and all of this is new and painful…but you need to let it go.”

  I couldn’t.

  She turned back to the door. “Goodnight, Derek.”

  “Can I talk to her?”

  She looked at me again.

  “I’ve never really had the opportunity to apologize to her for everything.” I’d talked to her on the phone once, but that was her opportunity to air her grievances and I didn’t have a chance to say anything. Then she called and asked for help with that guy, but that wasn’t the right time. A face-to-face interaction had never been on the table.

  Emerson hesitated, like she thought it was a bad idea.

  “I’d really appreciate it if …”

  Emerson considered for a while before she opened the door. “Hold on a sec.” She stepped inside, and muffled voices were heard back and forth before she opened the door again. “I’ll give you fifteen minutes.”

  I stepped inside, the apartment familiar yet foreign.

  Lizzie sat on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest, staring at the TV in a blatant attempt to ignore me.

  “I’ll be in my bedroom, if you need me.” Emerson left the living room and walked into the bedroom she used to share with me.

  Lizzie continued to watch TV, her knees pulled to her chest, her hair in a high ponytail. She looked so much like her mother; once she became an adult, they would probably look like sisters. I stood there awkwardly for a bit before I moved to the couch beside her, leaving a few feet between us so she wouldn’t feel suffocated. “Liz?”

  “Don’t call me that.” She didn’t look at me.

  The remote was between us, so I grabbed it and turned off the TV.

  She kept her eyes on the black screen. “I wasn’t watching it anyway.”

  I returned the remote to where it’d been before. I knew this was futile, but I tried anyway. “Liz, watching my mother go through this has really changed my priorities. It’s changed who I am as a man. I look back on my mistakes and wish I could do things over again, but unfortunately, I can’t.”

  She still didn’t turn my way.

  “I understand that you’re angry with me. I understand why you’re angry with me. You have every right. But no matter how upset you are, just remember that I paid the ultimate price. I’m the one who lost both of you, and that will haunt me forever.”

  She gently turned her chin toward me, looking at me in her periphery.

  “I know it’s hard to understand, but sometimes you have to lose something to realize how valuable it is. What’s happened with my mom has altered my entire outlook on life, made me realize what you both meant to me…what you still mean to me.”

  She turned her head a little more and finally looked at me.

  “I’m so sorry that I hurt you, Lizzie. Really…I am.” Now that I could really feel…feel every emotion that coursed through my veins, I saw the future that I lost. She was like a daughter to me, someone I could have mentored, protected, and nurtured. When Emerson told me about her, I flipped out, but I should have seen what a blessing she really was. She was a great person, and I would have been lucky to be a part of her life. “The two of you made me happier than I’d been in ten years…and I let you go.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?” I whispered.

  “Why did you leave?”

  I had no idea what Emerson had told her, but I just went with the truth. “Everything. The rocket, the anniversary of my birth mother’s death—”

  “Your birth mother?” she asked.

  “Cleo isn’t my biological mother.”

  “So, she’s your stepmother?”

  “Technically. But I’ve never called her that. My own mother basically abandoned me and moved on. She passed away unexpectedly, and I never got a chance to really talk to her about everything. That’s always bothered me. But Cleo has loved me as her own since she met me, says she sometimes has memories of being pregnant with me even though it never happened; it’s just a trick of her mind. And she’s been the best mom ever. I’m so lucky to have her, and instead of living in the past, I should have just let my birth mom go and understood that Cleo was really my mother—by blood.” I dropped my gaze and looked at my hands in my lap.

  “I never knew that.”

  “I don’t talk about it much.”

  “Why would you not tell me that?” she whispered. “My dad left…”

  I shrugged. “I never really thought about it that way.”

  “So, you left us because of her?”

  “No. There was other stuff too. I was engaged a long time ago and found out my fiancée was sleeping with my best friend. I had to interact with them recently for a wedding, and that really messed with my head.”

  “Your fiancée cheated on you with your best friend?” she asked incredulously.

  I nodded. “I found out at the rehearsal dinner.”

  “Geez…assholes.”

  “Yeah, you’re telling me.”

  Her eyes filled with sympathy. “I still don’t know why that would make you leave. Mom would never do that to you.”

/>   “I know she wouldn’t.” My eyes started to water, and I quickly blinked them away. “It was easier to stop feeling and run than to stick around. I was a coward. I hurt your mother the way people have hurt me, as if that somehow justifies it. I just snapped. I wish there were an explanation that would suffice, but there never will be. I got lost in my grief, and only when I saw what my family had to go through did I realize I love your mother the way my father loves my mother. If that never happened…this may never have happened.”

  “Yeah.” She tightened her arms around her legs.

  “Anyway… I’m sorry.” I stared at my hands longer, wishing there were something better I could say to repair the trust I’d broken. But there was nothing to do except walk out and never come back.

  “I guess I’ve been so angry because…it felt like I had a dad.”

  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t break down.

  “I never felt like I needed a dad, but once you came around and helped me with stuff and made my mom happy…I started to realize what I was missing. I didn’t feel like I was losing my mom, but getting a bigger family. My friends talk about their family vacations and the stupid dad jokes their dads make, and I started to feel like them…normal. I got really excited about that idea, and it just sucked when it was gone.”

  I couldn’t look at her because it was too fucking hard.

  “And then losing you made me realize how much we needed you. Mom was devastated, she started seeing these loser guys that just made her feel worse, my grades dropped, we can’t watch certain channels on the TV because your name pops up, and then I can’t read my favorite books anymore… I never felt like I was missing anything until you came and went. Now we feel incomplete.”

  I inhaled a deep breath and wiped the tears away with my fingers, doing my best to be discreet about it.

  “Are you crying?”

  I shook my head.

  “Derek?”

  I closed my eyes for a moment before I turned back to her, so she could see my face, so I could face the accusation head on. “I would literally give anything to get that back, Liz. You…you have no idea. I can’t imagine being with someone besides your mother. I can’t imagine having a family without you being a member of that family. This place feels like home, with you two. I don’t want to go back to my big-ass penthouse just to hear my own fucking echo. I don’t want to go back and feel alone.”