The Book of the Courtier

by Baldassare Castiglione

  After everyone had laughed at this for a moment, Bernardo resumed:

  ‘We should also avoid irreligious jokes, for these can turn an attempt at wit into blasphemy, and then we find ourselves growing more and more ingenious in the way we blaspheme; and thereby a man seems to be seeking glory from something for which he deserves not merely condemnation but also severe punishment. This is an abominable thing; and therefore those who wish to appear amusing by showing little reverence for the Almighty ought to be driven out of good society. The same holds for those whose speech is obscene and foul, who show no respect for the presence of ladies, and who are constantly searching for witticisms and quips merely for the pleasure of making them blush for shame. For example, earlier this year in Ferrara, in the presence of many ladies at a banquet, there happened to be a Florentine and a Sienese who, as you know, are usually at odds with each other; and in order to taunt the Florentine, the Sienese said: “We have married Siena to the Emperor, and we have given him Florence as the dowry.” And he said this because at the time it was reported that the Sienese had given a certain amount of money to the Emperor and he had taken Siena under his protection. Then, without hesitating, the Florentine retorted: “Siena will first be ridden” (meaning this in the French sense, though he used the Italian word) “then the dowry will be settled at leisure.” As you see, the joke was very clever, but as ladies were present it was also indecent and unseemly.”

  Then signor Gaspare Pallavicino remarked: ‘Women take pleasure in hearing nothing else, and yet you want to deprive them of it. And as for me, I have found myself blushing for shame far more because of words said by women than by men.’

  ‘I am not speaking of women of that sort,’ replied Bernardo, ‘but of virtuous women whom every gentleman should honour and respect.’

  Answered Gaspare: ‘You would need to discover a very subtle way of recognizing them, seeing that most times those who appear the best are in fact the worst.’

  Then Bernardo, with a laugh, said: ‘If it were not for the presence of our signor Magnifico, who is universally recognized to be the protector of women, I should undertake the task of refuting you; but I do not want to usurp his place.’

  And then signora Emilia, laughing as well, added:

  ‘Women have no need of a defender against a critic of so little authority. So leave signor Gaspare to his perverse opinion, which is caused more by the fact that he has never found a woman to look at him than by any frailty that exists in women themselves, and continue with your discussion of pleasantries.’

  Then Bernardo went on: ‘Indeed, madam, it seems to me that I have now spoken of the many possible sources of clever witticisms, all of which are enhanced by being part of an entertaining story. But there are many others I could mention: as when, for example, by overstatement or understatement, things are said that are miles away from the truth. Of this kind was what Mario da Volterra said of a certain prelate, that he was so conscious of his great stature, that when he entered St Peter’s he would stoop so as not to knock his head on the beam of the door. And our Magnifico here once said that his servant Volpino was so lean and thin that one morning, when he was blowing on his fire to make it go, he was wafted up the chimney by the smoke; but he had been fortunate enough to be forced crosswise against one of the little openings and so escape disappearing altogether. Then again, Agostino Bevazzano told the story of the miser who in desperation after he had refused to sell his grain for a good price, and then seen the price tumble, hanged himself from a rafter in his bedroom; however, a servant of his heard the noise, ran in to see his master hanging there and quickly cut the rope, saving him from death. Subsequently, after the miser had recovered, he insisted that the servant pay him for the rope. The same kind of joke was what Lorenzo de’ Medici said to a very tedious clown: “You couldn’t make me laugh if you tickled me.” And in the same vein he replied to another buffoon who, one morning, had found him in bed late and reproached him for sleeping so long in these words: “I’ve already been to the New Market and the Old, and outside the San Gallo Gate and around the walls for exercise, and I’ve done a thousand other things besides, and here you are still asleep!” Lorenzo retorted: “What I have dreamed in an hour is worth more than what you’ve done in four.”

  ‘It is also entertaining when, without seeming to mean to, we rebuke someone in the way we answer him. For example, the Marquess Federico of Mantua, the father of our Duchess, was once at table with a number of gentlemen when one of them, having eaten a whole bowl of thick soup, said: “Marquess, pardon me,” and then started to guzzle what was left of the broth. Immediately, the Marquess retorted: “Ask pardon of the pigs, for you certainly do me no harm.” Then Niccolò Leonico,20 in order to condemn a tyrant who enjoyed a false reputation for liberality, once remarked: “Consider how liberal he is, to give away not only his own property, but also that of others.”

  ‘A very sophisticated kind of joke relies on a certain amount of dissimulation, when one says one thing and means another. I do not mean saying the exact opposite, such as calling a dwarf a giant, or a Negro, white, or a very ugly man, extremely handsome; for these are contraries that are only too obvious, even though they, too, may sometimes raise a laugh. I mean when speaking gravely and seriously, one says in an amusing way what is not really meant. For example, when a certain gentleman was telling an outright lie to Agostino Foglietta, and was affirming it vehemently, since it seemed that he was having difficulty in believing it, at length Agostino said: “Sir, if I may ever hope for a favour from you, do me the goodness to allow me not to believe what you are saying.” But when the man kept repeating and swearing that he was speaking the truth, finally Agostino said: “Since you wish it, I shall believe it for your sake, for to be sure I would do even more for you.” Something similar was said by don Giovanni di Cardona concerning a person who wanted to leave Rome: “In my opinion, he is taking the wrong decision, because he’s such a rascal that if he stayed in Rome, given time he’d become a cardinal.” Alfonso Santa Croce made a joke of the same kind, shortly after he had been subjected to various outrages at the hands of the Cardinal of Pavia, when he was strolling with certain gentlemen outside Bologna near the place of public execution and noticed a man who had recently been hanged; for he turned towards the corpse with a reflective expression and remarked in a voice loud enough for all to hear: “Happy you, who do not have to deal with the Cardinal of Pavia!”

  ‘This sort of joke, with an element of irony, is very suitable on the lips of men of some importance, for it is both grave and pungent, and can be used whether talking of amusing or serious matters. For this reason it was popular among those of the ancient world, including very distinguished figures such as Cato and Scipio Africanus the Younger; but the philosopher Socrates is said to have been the most witty in this regard, and also, in our own time, King Alfonso I of Aragon. For example, one morning when the King was about to dine he took off the many precious rings he wore on his fingers in order not to wet them when washing his hand, and he handed them to the nearest person, without seeming to look who it was. The servant concerned supposed that the King had paid no attention to whom he had given the rings and that, distracted by matters of greater importance, he might easily forget all about it; and his thoughts were confirmed when the King neglected to ask for them again. So after days and weeks and months had passed without a word being said, he grew certain that he was safe. And then, nearly a year later, he approached when the King was about to dine and held out his hand for the rings; but the King, bending close to his ear, said to him: “Let those you had before be enough for you, since these will do very well for someone else.” You see how this witticism was ingenious, pungent and serious, and truly worthy of the magnanimity of an Alexander.

  ‘Similar to this ironic style of humour is another which relies on the use of innocent words to describe something unworthy. Thus after the battle of Cerignola when the engagement was already over successfully, one of the gentlemen of the Gre
at Captain approached him wearing the richest armour imaginable, as if prepared for battle; and at this the Great Captain, turning to don Ugo di Cardona, remarked: “Have no more fear of the tempest, for here is St Elmo.” So with those innocent and inoffensive words he stung the man badly; for you know that St Elmo always appears to sailors after a storm and gives them a sign of calm weather, and so the Great Captain meant to say that the arrival of this gentleman was a sign that the danger was already a thing of the past. Again, when signor Ottaviano Ubaldino was at Florence in the company of some very influential citizens, as they were talking of soldiers one of them asked him if he knew Antonello da Forlì, who had just fled from Florence; and signor Ottaviano replied: “I do not know him, except that I have heard him spoken of as an expeditious soldier.” And then another of the citizens remarked: “You see how expeditious he is, since he runs off before he asks leave.”

  ‘Those witticisms are also very telling which rely on our giving to someone’s words an interpretation other than what was intended. I understand that this was the way in which the Duke replied to that Castellan who lost San Leo when the state of Urbino was seized by Pope Alexander and handed over to Duke Valentino. For when this happened the Duke was in Venice, where he was continuously visited by many of his subjects bringing secret information about how the affairs of the state were going, and among others to arrive was this same Castellan, who, having excused himself as best he knew how, and blaming everything on his own bad luck, added: “My lord, have no fear, for I have it in me to make sure that San Leo can be recovered.” Then the Duke replied: “Do not exert yourself over this any more, for by losing it you have already made sure that it can be recovered.”21 There are various other quips, as when a person known for his wit says something that seems to spring from foolishness, as when the other day Camillo Palleotto remarked of someone: “He was an idiot to die just as he was starting to get rich.” Similar to this is the kind of rich and keen dissimulation shown when a man, of good sense, as I said, pretends not to understand what he does understand. Thus recently the Marquess Federico of Mantua was being tormented by a tiresome pest who was complaining that certain of his neighbours were snaring the doves from his dovecot and who stood there all the while holding one of the doves hanging dead in the snare by its foot just as he had found it, and the Marquess said that he would look into matters. However, the pest repeated what he had lost, not only once but many times, still standing with the dove hanging down and saying: “Sir, what is to be done about this?” And at length the Marquess remarked: “In my opinion, on no account should that dove be buried in church, for since it hanged itself we must believe it was guilty of suicide.” Much the same kind of answer was that given by Scipio Nasica to Ennius. For after Scipio had gone to where Ennius lived in order to speak to him, when he called up from the street one of the maids replied that he was not at home. Scipio clearly heard Ennius himself telling the maid she was to say that he wasn’t home; and so he decided to leave. Not long afterwards Ennius visited Scipio’s house, and he too called to him from below; whereupon Scipio himself replied in a loud voice that he wasn’t at home. At this Ennius answered: “What, don’t I recognize your voice?” And to this Scipio retorted: “You are too discourteous for words. The other day I believed your maid when she said you were not at home, and now you won’t believe even me!”

  ‘It is also splendid when a person is stung regarding the same thing in which he has previously scored over his companion. Thus when at the Court of Spain Alonso Carrillo was guilty of some youthful misdemeanours on the orders of the King he was thrown into prison for the night; the following day he was released, and that morning he made his way to the palace where, as he entered the hall, and encountered many lords and ladies laughing at his imprisonment, signora Bobadilla said: “Signor Alonso, I am very grieved by this misadventure of yours, for all those who know you thought the King should have had you hanged.” Then straight away Alonso retorted: “Madam, I was also very afraid of that, but then I formed the hope that you would ask to marry me.”22 You see how sharp and witty this answer was, since in Spain, as in many places elsewhere, it is the custom that when a man is on his way to the gallows, his life is spared if a common whore asks to marry him. This was also the kind of answer given by Raphael, the painter, to two cardinals with whom he was friendly and who, in his presence, in order to get him to talk, found fault with a painting of his which contained SS. Peter and Paul, by commenting that the two figures were too red in the face. Immediately, Raphael retorted: “My lords, you should not be surprised, for I did this very deliberately, as we may well believe that St Peter and St Paul are as red in heaven as you see them here, for shame that the Church should be governed by such as you.”

  ‘Those witticisms are also very telling where the humour is subtly disguised, as when a man came up to someone grieving for his wife who had hanged herself from a fig tree and, tugging at his coat, inquired: “Friend, as a great favour, could you let me have a little branch from your fig tree to graft on to one in my own garden?” Then there are witticisms of a forbearing kind, said slowly and with a certain gravity, as when a peasant jostled Cato with a box he was carrying on his shoulders and then cried out: “Watch out!” And Cato answered: “Don’t you carry anything on your shoulders besides that box?” It is also laughable when, having made a blunder, someone tries to retrieve the situation by adding something uttered with great deliberation which sounds silly but which meets his need and thereby helps to save him embarrassment. Thus not so long ago in the Council at Florence there were two enemies, as often happens in these republics; and one of them, belonging to the Altoviti family, fell asleep. Then, although his adversary, who belonged to the Alamanni family, was not speaking and had said nothing, the person sitting next to him nudged him with his elbow, woke him up and said, for a laugh: “Don’t you hear what he is saying? Give your answer, because the Signori are asking for your opinion.” Then Altoviti, very sleepy and not thinking what he was saying, got to his feet and remarked: “My lords, I say completely the opposite to what Alamanni has just said.” Alamanni replied: “But I haven’t said anything.” And at once Altoviti retorted: “Then to what you are going to say.” The same kind of remark was made by master Serafino, your physician here in Urbino, to a peasant who had decided to come to him for treatment after having had his eye forced out by a blow. When he saw him, although he knew there was no cure, Serafino swore that he would make him better, in order to squeeze some money from him, just as the blow had squeezed the eye from his head; and so he continued to ask him for payment every day, claiming that within five or six days he would begin to recover his sight. The wretched peasant gave him the little he had, but then seeing how long it was taking he started to complain to the doctor and to say that he felt no improvement and that he could see no more with that eye than if he had never had it in his head. At length, realizing that there was little more he could squeeze out of him, Serafino said: “My friend, you must be patient. You have lost that eye and there is no remedy; and God grant that you don’t lose the other one, too.” On hearing this, the peasant started to weep and complain loudly, saying: “But, doctor, you’ve ruined me and robbed me of my money. I shall protest to the Lord Duke.” And then he started to make the most shattering din. At this, Serafino, lost his temper and cried out to justify himself: “Ah, you miserable peasant! So you would like to have two eyes just like townsfolk and respectable people. Off with you, and be damned!” And he uttered these words with such fury that the poor peasant was terrified into silence and, oh so quietly, went his way.

  ‘It is also splendid when something is explained or interpreted in a humorous way. For example, one morning when there appeared at the Court of Spain a knight, who was very ugly, accompanied by his wife, who was most beautiful, both being dressed in white damask, the Queen asked Alonso Carrillo: “What do you think of these two, Alonso?” To which Alonso replied: “I think, madam, that she is the dama and he is the asca”* (namely, a
repulsive – looking person). Then there was the occasion when Rafaello de’ Pazzi saw a letter which the Prior of Messina had written to a lady-friend, with the following superscription: Esta carta s’ha de dar a quien causa mi penar.* And he commented: “I think the letter is meant for Paolo Tolosa.”23 You may imagine how the bystanders laughed, for everyone knew that Paolo Tolosa had lent the Prior ten thousand ducats, and he, being a great spendthrift, had found it impossible to repay him. Similar to this kind of wit is when a friendly admonition is subtly conveyed in the form of advice: as was done by Cosimo de’ Medici to a friend of his who was very rich but not very knowledgeable and who, through Cosimo, had obtained a mission away from Florence; for when he was leaving he asked Cosimo how he thought he should behave and conduct himself to perform his duties properly, and Cosimo answered: “Dress like a lord and keep your mouth shut.” Very similar was the reply given by Count Lodovico to someone who wanted to travel incognito through a certain dangerous place and did not know how best to disguise himself. For when the Count was asked he said: “Dress up as a professor or some other kind of learned man….” Then again, Giannotto de’ Pazzi said to someone who wanted to make a military cloak of as many different colours as possible: “Copy the way the Cardinal of Pavia painted his life.”24