The Book of the Courtier

by Baldassare Castiglione

  ‘We also laugh at incongruities, as when the other day someone said to Antonio Rizzo about a certain man from Forlì: “Think how mad he is, with the name Bartolomeo.”† And another: “You are looking for a certain Stalla,‡ yet you have no horses.” And: “He lacks nothing at all except money and brains.” Other kinds of apparent inconsistency are amusing, too. For example, recently it was suspected that a friend of ours had had the renunciation of a benefice forged, and then, when another priest fell sick, Antonio Torello said to the first: “Why all this delay in not sending for that lawyer of yours and grabbing this benefice as well?” Then we laugh at things that do not accord with each other, as when the other day, after the Pope had sent for Giovan Luca da Pontremolo and Domenico della Porta (both hunchbacks, as you know) to make them auditors, saying that he wanted to set the Rota to rights, Latino Giovenale remarked: “His Holiness is deceiving himself if he thinks to put the Rota straight with crooked men.”

  ‘It is also a frequent cause of laughter when someone concedes all that is said to him, and more, and yet pretends to take it in a different sense. Thus, when Captain Peralta was conducted to the field for his duel with Aldana, Captain Molart, who was Aldana’s second, asked Peralta to swear on oath that he was not wearing any pentacles or charms to protect him from harm, and Peralta swore that he was not wearing any pentacles, charms, relics or any other holy objects in which he had faith. Then, taunting him for being an infidel, Molart retorted: “Don’t trouble yourself any further, even without your protestation I can well believe you have no faith even in Christ.”25 It is also splendid on such occasions to make use of a timely metaphor. For instance, our Marc’Antonio once remarked to Botton da Cesena, who had been teasing him by what he said: “Botton, Botton, one day you’ll be the button and your button-hole will be the noose.” And another time, when Marc’Antonio had composed a very long comedy in several acts, this same Botton said to him: “To stage your play we would need all the timber in Slavonia.” To which Marc’Antonio answered: “And to stage your tragedy we’ll need only three planks.”

  ‘Often, too, we use a word in which there is a hidden meaning quite remote from the one we seem to intend. There was the time, for example, when our Prefect here happened to be discussing a certain captain who, as a matter of fact, usually lost his battles but now chanced to be the victor; and the person who was talking was saying that when the captain made his entry into the city he had worn a very fine cloak of crimson velvet, as he always did following a victory. So the Prefect remarked: “Then it must be quite new.” It also makes us laugh when the question answered is not what was asked, or when we pretend to believe that someone has done what he should have but hasn’t. For instance, when Andrea Coscia visited a gentleman who very discourteously let him remain standing while he was sitting down, he said: “Since your Lordship commands, I shall sit down to obey you.” And thereupon he did so.

  ‘We laugh, too, when a man cheerfully accuses himself of some fault, as when the other day, after I had told the Duke’s chaplain that Monsignor26 had a chaplain who said mass faster than he did, he replied: “It’s not possible.” And coming close he said in my ear: “Let me tell you that I say under a third of the Secret.”* Again, there was the time when, after a certain priest had died in Milan, Biagio Crivelli asked the Duke for his benefice, but the Duke remained determined to give it to someone else. So at length, seeing that his other arguments were achieving nothing, Biagio said: “What’s this? If I’ve had the priest killed, why won’t you give me his benefice?” It is also pleasing when one shows a desire for things that cannot be, as when the other day one of our friends on seeing all these gentlemen jousting, while he was still stretched out in bed, remarked: “Oh, how agreeable it would be if this too were the right kind of exercise for a fine man and a good soldier.” And then again, it is very entertaining and piquant, especially on the part of serious and important people, to say the opposite of what the person being spoken to would wish, but to do so slowly, and with a certain doubtful and hesitant deliberation. Thus King Alfonso I of Aragon once gave one of his servants some weapons, horses and clothes, because the fellow told him that the night before he had dreamt that his Majesty did so; and then not long afterwards when the same servant reported that he had now had another dream, in which the King gave him a large number of gold florins, his Majesty remarked: “Don’t believe in dreams from now on; for they don’t tell the truth.” In this manner, too, the Pope replied to the Bishop of Cervia when, to sound out his intentions, the Bishop told him: “Holy Father, they say in Rome and in the Palace that your Holiness will make me governor.” For the Pope replied: “Let them talk, for they are only rascals. And you need have no fear, since it is quite untrue.”

  ‘Now, gentlemen, I could perhaps cite all the many other sources of wit and humour: such as remarks uttered with timidity, with amazement, with threats, as well as remarks that are beside the point or said with too much anger; and in addition, certain other strange instances that cause laughter when they occur, as when taciturnity is accompanied by a certain amazement, or laughter itself is quite pointless. However, it seems to me that I have now said enough, since I think we have discussed all possible kinds of jests. Then, of course, there are jokes that depend on action of some sort and which, though they are very various, can be summarized under a few heads. But as regards both kinds the main thing is to cheat expectation and to respond in a way that is unexpected. And, if the joke is to be really elegant, it must be flavoured with deceit, or dissimulation, or ridicule, or censure or comparison, or whatever other quality is desired. Moreover, although all jokes are meant to provoke laughter, yet in this respect they produce varying effects. For there are some which are characterized by a certain modest humour and grace, others which have a hidden or obvious sting, others slightly indecent, some which provoke laughter as soon as they are heard, and others which do so the more they are thought about, others which cause blushes as well as laughter, and still others which arouse a show of anger. But at all times attention should be paid to the disposition of those who are listening, for jokes can often make those who are suffering suffer still more, and there are some illnesses that only grow worse the more they are treated. So if the courtier, in his witticisms and pleasantries, has regard for time and person and his own rank, and does not indulge in them too frequently (since it can be very tedious to be joking day in and day out, and in all one says to no purpose) then he may be called an amusing man. But he should also take care not to be so sharp and biting that he earns a reputation for malice; he should never attack without cause or with manifest hatred those who are extremely powerful, which would be imprudent, or those who are defenceless, which would be cruel, or those who are really wicked, which would be a waste of time; nor should he say things that offend those he would rather not offend, which simply displays ignorance. For there are some who think they are under an obligation to have their say and attack others regardlessly whenever they have the chance and whatever the consequences. Included among them are those who, for the sake of scoring a point, do not hesitate to impugn a lady’s honour, which is a very evil thing to do and which deserves severe punishment, since in this respect women are to be counted among the defenceless and so do not deserve such treatment, having no weapons with which to protect themselves. In addition to all this, if a courtier is to be amusing and witty, he must be endowed with a certain natural aptitude for pleasantries of all kinds and must be able to adapt his behaviour, gestures and expressions as required; and the more grave, severe and unmoved he appears, the more pungent and sharp will his words seem to be.

  ‘But as for you, Federico, who thought to find repose under this leafless tree and in my arid discourse, I’m sure you have regretted it by now and must have gained the impression that you had wandered into the Montefiore inn.* So you would do well, like an experienced courier, to escape from a poor inn by getting up rather earlier than usual and resuming your journey.’

  ‘On the contra
ry,’ answered Federico, ‘I have come to such a good inn that I am thinking of staying longer than I first intended. So I shall continue to rest here until you have exhausted everything that was proposed for our discussion, of which you have left out a part you mentioned at the start, namely, the question of practical jokes. And it would be wrong for you to cheat us all on this score. However, just as in the matter of jests and anecdotes you have taught us many splendid things and have emboldened us to use them, following the example of so many marvellous wits and distinguished men, princes, kings and popes, so far as practical jokes are concerned I think you will make us so daring that we shall feel confident enough to try them ourselves, and even play them on you.’

  ‘You would not be the first,’ replied Bernardo with a laugh. ‘But perhaps you would not be successful, for I have had so many played on me that I am on my guard against everything, like the dogs who are afraid even of cold water, once they’ve been scalded with hot. However, since you want me to speak on this subject, I think I can cover it in just a few words.

  ‘Now it seems to me that a practical joke consists simply in an amicable deception regarding things that give little or no offence. And just as in jests laughter is caused by our saying something contrary to what is expected, so in practical jokes it is caused by our doing something contrary to what is expected. And they are more agreeable and appreciated, the shrewder and more discreet they are; for a person who wishes to play practical jokes unthinkingly frequently gives offence and provokes retribution and serious enmities. However, practical jokes arise from almost the same situations as do the jests we were discussion; so to avoid repeating them, I will say simply that there are two kinds of practical joke, each of which can then be divided into several varieties. The first kind is when someone or other is cleverly tricked, in an adroit and amusing fashion; and the other is when, as it were, a net is spread and a little bait is offered, so that the victim causes his own downfall. We have an example of the first kind of practical joke in the way in which, just recently, two ladies whom I do not wish to name were taken in by a Spaniard called Castillo.’

  ‘And why,’ interrupted the Duchess, ‘are you unwilling to name them?’

  ‘Because I do not want them to take offence,’ replied Bernardo.

  ‘And yet,’ the Duchess answered with a smile, ‘it is not improper sometimes to play practical jokes even on great lords; indeed, I have heard that many were played on Duke Federico, on King Alfonso of Aragon, on Queen Isabella of Spain and on many other great rulers, and that not only did they not take offence but that they even rewarded the jokers.’

  Bernardo replied: ‘Even the hope of that will not persuade me to name them.’

  ‘Well, go on as you please,’ answered the Duchess.

  So Bernardo continued: ‘Well, a few days ago there arrived at the Court I have in mind a peasant from Bergamo, in the service of a noble courtier. He was so well attired in his livery and so elegantly decked out that, though he was only accustomed to looking after cattle and knew no other profession, by anyone not hearing him speak he would have been taken for a very fine gentleman indeed. Now, the two ladies I mentioned were told that a Spanish retainer of Cardinal Borgia had arrived, by the name of Castillo, and that he was an extremely clever man as well as being a musician, a dancer, a ballerino and the most accomplished courtier of all Spain; consequently in their extreme anxiety to speak to him they sent for him at once, and after a gracious welcome they asked him to be seated and began to talk to him with great deference in the presence of everyone. And there were few present who did not know that he was a cowherd from Bergamo, and who did not laugh uproariously when they saw how deferentially the ladies were entertaining him and paying him honour, all the more since the good fellow said everything in his guttural Bergamasque dialect. As it happened, the gentlemen responsible for the joke had beforehand told those ladies that among other things the visitor was himself a great practical joker, and that he spoke all languages extremely well, and especially the country dialect of Lombardy; and in consequence they thought all the while that he was putting on an act, and every so often they would turn in amazement to one another and say: “Just imagine! How well he mimics the language!” Well, to finish, their conversation lasted so long that everyone’s sides were aching from laughter, and the fellow himself aped the gentleman in such a way that at length, though not without difficulty, those ladies were themselves convinced that he was what he was.

  ‘This kind of joke is played very often; but more amusing still are jokes that are frightening to begin with but have a happy ending, for then the victim too laughs at himself and realizes that there was nothing to be afraid of. For example, one night I was staying in Paglia and in the same inn there happened to be three other guests, two from Pistoia and the third from Prato, who, as often happens, sat down after supper to gamble. Before very long one of the Pistoians had lost all he had and was left penniless, and he began to swear and curse and grumble with all his might; and then he went off to bed, blaspheming wickedly. After the other two had been playing a little longer, they decided to play a practical joke on the one who had left. So, when they knew that he had fallen asleep, they put out all the lights and covered the fire; and then they began to talk loudly and make a tremendous din, pretending that they had fallen out over their game, with one of them saying: “You dealt a card from underneath,” and the other retorting: “You bet on a flush; the game goes to the bank.” They carried on in this way, making such an uproar that they woke their colleague up; and, hearing that they were still playing and were talking as if they could see the cards, when he failed to see anything himself, he said: “And what the devil are you up to, shouting all night?” Then he immediately settled down again. All his two companions did, however, was to continue as before, until, being now wide awake, he started to wonder and then, when he was quite sure that he could see neither the fire nor any other light, even though the other two were still playing and quarrelling, he said: “But how can you see your cards in the dark?” One of them remarked: “You must have lost your sight as well as your money. Can’t you see by these two candles over there?” At this, the man in bed raised himself on his elbows and said angrily: “Either I’m blind or drunk or you’re telling lies.” Then the other two got up and groped their way to their beds, laughing and pretending to believe that he was making fun of them, whereas for his part he kept repeating: “I tell you, I can’t see you.” At length the two of them pretended to be very astonished, and one said to the other: “Oh dear, I really think he’s telling the truth. Give me that candle and let’s see if perhaps his sight is clouding over.” At this the poor wretch thought for sure that he had become blind, and weeping copiously he said: “Dear brothers, I’ve lost my sight….” And then he started to call on Our Lady of Loreto and beseech her to pardon the blasphemies and curses he had hurled at her after having lost his money. His two friends meanwhile were comforting him and saying: “It’s impossible that you don’t see us. This must be some kind of fantasy you’ve taken into your head.” But he only answered: “Oh dear me, it’s no fantasy and I can no more see you than if I never had eyes in my head.” They answered: “But your sight is quite clear”; and then the one said to the other: “See how well he opens his eyes! And how bright they are! And who could believe that he cannot see?” All the while the poor fellow wept the more loudly and asked God for mercy. At length they said to him: “Make a vow to visit Our Lady of Loreto for a penance, barefoot and naked, for this is the best remedy to be found. And in the meantime we’ll go to Acquapendente and the other towns near by and see if we can find some doctor, and we promise not to fail you in anything.” Straight away the unfortunate fellow knelt down by his bed, and crying all the time and showing the most bitter penitence for his blasphemies, he made a solemn vow to go naked to the shrine of Our Lady of Loreto and to offer her a pair of silver eyes, not to eat meat on Wednesdays or eggs on Fridays, and to fast on bread and water in her honour every Saturd
ay, if Our Lady would only favour him with the recovery of his sight. Then his two friends, having gone into another room, came back with a lighted candle, laughing uproariously. The poor wretch, though relieved from such great anguish as you can imagine, was still so stunned by the fright he had received that he couldn’t even speak a word, let alone laugh. But his two friends never left off teasing him, saying that he was bound to fulfil all the vows he had made, since he had won the favour he asked.

  ‘Concerning the other kind of practical joke, where a man tricks himself, I shall merely give the example of what happened to me not so long ago. For during the recent carnival, my Monsignor, Cardinal San Pietro in Vincoli, who knows how much I enjoy playing jokes on the friars, when I am in masquerade, and had earlier arranged all he meant to do, came along one day with Monsignor of Aragon and several other cardinals to certain windows in the Banchi, as though he intended to stay there to see the maskers pass by, as is the custom in Rome. Then I appeared on the scene in my mask and, seeing a friar standing to one side and looking rather hesitant, I decided this was a good opportunity and at once swooped on him like a falcon on its prey. After I had first asked him who he was, and he had replied, I pretended to know him and talking fast I began to persuade him that the chief of police was looking for him because of some damning information that had been lodged against him; and I also urged him to come with me to the Chancery where I would make him safe. Frightened and trembling all over, the friar seemed unsure what to do next, and said that he feared that if he went far from San Celso he would be taken. But I kept encouraging him, and at last managed to persuade him to mount behind me; and then, judging that my plan had already succeeded, I immediately spurred my horse, which was bucking and kicking wildly, towards the Banchi. Now just think what a fine spectacle it was to see a friar riding behind a masker, with his robe flying and his head jerking backwards and forwards and always seeming on the verge of tumbling off! At the sight, those gentlemen began to throw eggs at us from the windows, as did the people who lived in the Banchi and all the others who were there, until there were eggs falling from the windows with greater force than ever hail fell from the sky; but since I was masked I wasn’t worried, and I imagined that all the laughter was at the friar’s expense and not mine. So several times I rode up and down the Banchi through that barrage of eggs, although very tearfully the friar kept begging me to let him dismount and not to make him disgrace his cloth. Then, without my knowing, the rascal got certain lackeys, who had been stationed there for that purpose, to pass him some eggs, and, pretending to hold me tight so as not to fall, he crushed some of them on my chest, more on my head and several on my very face until I was streaming with them. At length, when everyone was tired of laughing and throwing eggs, he jumped down, threw back his scapular to show his long hair and said: “Bernardo, sir, I’m one of the grooms of San Pietro in Vincoli, the one who looks after your little mule!” Well, I hardly know what was greatest, my grief, or anger, or shame. However, as the lesser evil I made my way home in a great hurry, and hadn’t the courage to appear even the next day. All the same, the laughter caused by this practical joke reverberated not only all the following day but almost up to this very moment.’