Lies and Lullabies

by Bowen, Sarina

  Now that was a surprise. It was so unlike Adam to go out drinking with strangers. I tapped out a hasty reply. Who is this and what have you done with Adam?

  Very funny. Are you OK?

  Ugh. Not the question I wanted to answer. Fine, I lied. I didn’t throw my panties.

  Smart, he replied quickly. I don’t trust him.

  I flinched. It was all well and good for me to hold Jonas at arms’ length, because I knew that Jonas made me stupid. But if Adam didn’t like him, then maybe I should pay attention.

  My brother sent one last message. Got to go. Guy I’ve been flirting with has brought me another beer.

  Have fun, I replied.

  He replied only with a smiley face.

  I pocketed my phone and let my eyes adjust to the darkness. In the other bed, Vivi was sacked out on her tummy, dreaming of ponies and cupcakes, probably.

  And what would I be dreaming of, exactly? I’d just shouted down the hottest musician in North America. I’d pushed away the only man with whom I’d ever had a transcendent sexual experience. Now I was supposed to go to sleep, even though my nerves were still jangling.

  Standing beside the bed, I peeled off my clothes in silence. I picked up my bag and carried it into the bathroom for a better view of its contents. After closing the door and flipping on the light, I was confronted by my naked reflection in the mirror. Appraising my body was something I rarely did, but the mirror took up most of the wall, and there was no escaping it.

  Really not bad, was my first reaction.

  I was twenty-five years old, inhabiting a body which had given birth to a nearly eight-pound baby girl, but my waist was still slim, flaring to feminine hips. After nursing Vivi for a year, my breasts weren’t precisely the same shape as before. But my skin was smooth, and my curves stood out. I was still young, damn it. But for how much longer?

  The girl in the mirror was frowning now.

  With another sigh, I found my nightgown in my bag. It was new, actually. I usually slept in oversized T-shirts that I stole from my brother. But this morning, on the way back from the playground, I had dragged Vivi into a shop to purchase this nightgown.

  Now I held the traitorous object up to the light. Black jersey, with flowers printed on it, the V-necked nightie wasn’t silky or particularly low cut. But it had black satin trim and spaghetti straps. And more to the point, I’d bought it because I’d thought there was some chance, however small, that Jonas would see it.

  You hypocrite, Kira. Nicely done.

  I had just given Jonas an earful for daring to kiss me. And yet I’d spent forty-two dollars to look sexy for him.

  I yanked the fabric over my head then took one more look at the girl in the mirror, at the expanse of skin that never got touched by hands other than my own. The gown made a nice line of cleavage across breasts that had tightened in anticipation when Jonas had kissed me.

  Guess what? Regret runs in two directions, genius. I could tell myself that Jonas didn’t really mean all the loving things he’d said to me tonight, and I might even be right about it. But there was no prize for being right, except for loneliness. I could hold Jonas off, and try to make him prove that he meant what he said. But how long was long enough? A month? Six?

  And what if we were a good match? When would he grow tired of trying to prove himself to me? On one of those future visits, when Jonas swung by to take Vivi to the zoo, he might someday say, “I’ve met someone.” How would that feel?

  Horrible. That’s how.

  I turned off the bathroom light and padded back through the bedroom. Then, before I could change my mind, I opened the door and tiptoed across the living room. I put my hand on the knob. For a millisecond, I worried that Jonas had been so fed up that he’d locked the door. But no. It clicked open, and I slipped inside, closing the door behind me.

  The room was lit only by the clock on the bedside table, but I could see him lying on his side, facing the windows. “Jonas?” I whispered, trying not to startle him. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just panicked a little.”

  He rolled onto his back. “I fucked up, Kira.”

  “It’s okay,” I said quickly.

  Jonas shook his head. “No, I mean five years ago.” He sat, propping himself against the cushioned headboard. I got an excellent view of his bare chest and tried not to stare. “Hey, come here, will you? Let me explain.”

  I hesitated for a beat. But Jonas patted the vast expanse of empty bed beside him, so I climbed on top of the bedspread. As soon as I got near him, he tugged me closer, looping an arm around me, until we were sitting side by side. He kissed my temple just once, and quickly. “Thank you,” he whispered. “It’s easier for me to tell you all the stupid shit I’ve done if I don’t have to shout.”

  “Like what?” I asked, squeezing my eyes shut to keep from staring at the lush geography of his abs. But there were other distracting sensations that came from being tucked against Jonas. He smelled like clean linens and man, and his skin gave off a delicious heat.

  “I didn’t answer your letter,” he whispered.

  My heart spasmed. “Did you even read it?”

  Jonas used his hand to tip my head onto his shoulder. “Here’s where it gets weird,” he said in a low voice. “I read it every day for two years. I carried it in my pocket wherever I went. That letter has been to Australia and Japan. And a bunch of other places, too.”

  “What? Why?” I breathed.

  Jonas let out a sigh. “Because that’s how much I liked it. Reading that you cared about me felt like winning the lottery. I wanted to see you again so bad. But I was afraid of fucking things up. I didn’t trust myself enough to follow through.”

  “That makes no sense,” I argued.

  He turned to kiss the top of my head. “It doesn’t make sense to you,” he said, “because you’re not an immature twenty-five-year-old guy.”

  “I am too twenty-five.”

  He chuckled, and I was so close to him that I felt the vibration in my own chest. “Kira, the fact that I’m five years older than you is not even enough. You already have more sense than I ever will. And that’s why I didn’t tell you all of this right away. I want you to believe in me, even though I’ve been such an idiot. It’s not an easy sell.”

  “Well… I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

  “I want you to say that we have a chance. Or at least that you’ll consider it. Not just for Vivi’s sake. I’d want you whether we made a baby or not.”

  There were goosebumps on my bare shoulders. It wasn’t easy to keep my wits about me when I was cuddled up against the hottest man I’d ever met. And he’d just said something about making babies.

  Focus, Kira. There were still lots of reasons why this was a bad idea. “It’s not that I think you’re trying to… trick me or something. But you haven’t thought this through. You and I lead very different lives. You’re traipsing the world, but our life in Boston is quiet. A big event at our house is like… taco night.”

  Jonas gave a sexy little grunt of disagreement. “I think you’re overestimating this so-called big life of mine.” He palmed my lower back and gave it a squeeze that I felt everywhere. “What looks like a big life to you can feel pretty damned small. When I got in the car tonight after the show, there were a dozen girls yelling my name. But they don’t know me at all, Kira. I’m too old to think that’s cool anymore. I just want…” He seemed to be reaching for the right words. “I just want two girls who look up at me when I come in the door at night. I want to hear, ‘Hey, we missed you today. And by the way, it’s taco night.’”

  I tried to picture it—a future in which People’s Sexiest Man Alive came home after work to eat tacos in my kitchen. Even Vivi’s yearnings for a pony sounded more realistic. And if it didn’t work out? Disaster. “If things went badly between us, it would hurt Vivi.”

  He rubbed my back. “Is that your objection? Because if things are great between us, that’s good for her, right? I want us all to be toget
her.”

  I tipped my head to look him in the eye. “You say that,” I whispered, “because you feel guilty.” He opened his mouth to object, but I raised a hand. “I know you’re going to love Vivi, because she is irresistible. But you shouldn’t assume that there really is more between us.”

  His turquoise eyes got wide. “There was always more, Kira. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

  “Five years was a long time ago, Jonas.”

  Slowly, he shook his head. “When I look at you, it feels like five minutes.”

  “We weren’t even together then.”

  “We should have been. I loved you so much more than the ex-girlfriend I’d just left. Every time I’d come to Boston, I’d think about you the whole time. I just wish I’d done something about it.”

  I turned away, because it was too hard to keep the shock off my face. “When you’re in Boston, I look for you in the crowds,” I admitted.

  “Jesus, Kira,” he breathed. “What a waste, right?” He held me a little more tightly. Tipping his head back against the pillows, he closed his eyes. “I won’t rush you, sweetness. But I have to say that just having you next to me right now makes me so happy. I’ve loved you a long time.”

  My eyes got hot, and my throat felt tight, which was all very inconvenient. What I needed was a few hours alone to try to process all the things that Jonas had said. I could just say so, and toddle off to the empty bed in the other room. Except his fingers were tracing a soft circle on my back. It wasn’t an overtly sexual touch, but it might as well have been. There was no place that Jonas Smith could touch my body that wouldn’t make me instantly and urgently aware of him.

  “Jonas,” I said, my voice roughened by both emotion and desire. “It’s hard for me to put aside the fact that you could have anyone.”

  “But so could you.” He pulled me even closer. “There isn’t anyone else I want, sweetness. You disarm me, the way nobody else can. I don’t know any way to prove it to you. But it’s true.” His thumb brushed my lip with such tenderness that I almost couldn’t bear it. “Be with me, Kira. In my heart, I really just want you.”

  The world went a little blurry then, and I felt Jonas’s thumb sweep a tear off my cheek. “I worry that it’s not that simple,” I said, my voice cracking.

  “It’s just that simple,” he whispered. In the darkness, the color of his eyes was lost, but not their intensity. For a moment, we only stared at one another. But then we were kissing again. I wasn’t even sure how it happened. I probably started it.

  But I wasn’t sorry. His lips were firm and hungry against my own. When he kissed me like this, it was possible to believe that he needed me as badly as he’d said.

  On a sigh, I opened for him. He swept inside, his mouth hot and needy. When his tongue slid between my teeth, I heard a guttural groan, and realized that I’d made it myself.

  The sound brought me back to reality. I broke our kiss, burying my face in Jonas’s neck.

  His arms softened around me. “I won’t rush you,” he whispered. “I want you to get used to the idea. Used to me.”

  “Mmm,” I said, listening to my heart galloping like one of Vivi’s storybook ponies.

  “I can be a patient man,” he said.

  “Okay,” I whispered. The trouble with that idea was that his rock-star body was still pressed against my own. My skin felt feverish everywhere we touched.

  “Here,” he said, scooting down to lie on his back. “Put your head right here. Just let me hold you.”

  That sounded nice. I flipped the comforter down and slid in beside him, so I could cuddle closer. I put my head on his shoulder and a hand on his chest.

  “See?” He sifted a lock of my hair onto his chest. “This is perfect. Never thought I’d hold you again.” He kissed the top of my head.

  It was perfect. Except that the most lickable chest I’d ever seen was currently in use as my pillow, and the desire circulating through my veins with every pump of my heart was difficult to ignore.

  I let my hand wander on his torso, exploring all that beautiful skin practically begging to be touched. Jonas sighed, closing his eyes.

  When my hand dipped beneath the bedclothes, I discovered that no clothing impeded me at all. My hand slid freely past his waist, my fingers trailing through the soft hairs on his belly. His muscles contracted, and I grazed his erection as I quickly withdrew.

  I whimpered at the discovery that Jonas Smith was naked in this bed.

  Jonas caught my hand, bringing it up to his mouth. He kissed my palm. “Sweetness, you’re making it hard for a guy to be patient.”

  “It’s your fault,” I whispered.

  “How’s that?”

  “You’re so hot.” I jerked my hand free of his grasp and put it under his chin, where I could feel him chuckling. With my thumb, I skimmed his lower lip, measuring his smile, until he opened his mouth, sucking my thumb inside. He moaned, his tongue warm and wet against my skin.

  “Oh my God.” I felt myself flood with desire.

  He released me with a groan. “Okay. I tried. I really did.”

  One second later, Jonas rolled on top of me, and the spark that was always between us ignited into flames. His kiss was hot and demanding, his hard body a satisfying weight on mine.

  “Damn,” I gasped, stunned at how unbearably good he felt, and how badly I wanted him. Jonas was both passionate and beautiful. And when he inevitably withdrew the hot blaze of his attention, the chill he’d leave behind would be devastating.

  But this was no time to worry about that. With each kiss, we were more lost in each other. Arms grasping, legs tangled, I never wanted it to stop.

  “Kira,” he finally rasped between kisses. “Am I allowed to take this off?” He skimmed a big hand down my nightgown, pausing to gently squeeze my breast, before plunging down to my hips and thighs. “Or are we waiting?”

  I tried to take in enough oxygen to understand the question. “For what?” I gasped.

  “I don’t know.” He chuckled into my neck. “I want to make love to you. But only if you’re ready for that. I feel like I talked you into it.”

  “I got into your bed, Jonas. I talked myself into it.”

  Still breathing hard, he grinned at me. “Every guy wants to hear that a girl has convinced herself to climb into bed with him.” He lifted off my nightgown nonetheless.

  “I didn’t mean…”

  “I know that. Just a little joke, okay? Because I need a minute to calm down.” He tucked me into his side, rubbing my back. “It’s been a long time since there was anyone special in my life. The last person I was out-of-my-mind excited to hold was you.”

  That idea made my stomach flutter. “Well. The last person who did hold me was you.”

  The hand on my back went still. “Really?” His voice was rough.

  I probably shouldn’t have said that. It would only make me feel more self-conscious. “I’ve been a little busy. It’s not all that strange, for someone with a toddler.”

  “That’s…” He blew out a breath. “I’m sorry, Kira. You deserve better than that. I never wanted you to be alone.”

  “I’m not alone right now,” I said.

  “I guess not,” he said in a low voice.

  Somehow, a little twinge of sadness had stolen under the door and drifted into bed with us. I wanted to chase it away. I ran an admiring hand down his chest. “You’re so beautiful.”

  “Isn’t that my line?” He sat up, tugging on my hand until I sat up, too. Then he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. “It feels so good to touch you, Kira. I never thought I’d have another chance.”

  “It’s crazy,” I whispered.

  “No…” He kissed the sweet spot just beneath my ear. “It’s right.” He spent a long moment exploring all the sensitive little places down my neck. “I wonder how much attention I can give you before the sun rises,” he asked, his voice gruff. “I’m going to spoil you.”

  “Mmm?” I was barely listen
ing now. He was sliding both his hands onto my breasts.

  “I’m going to spoil you so good,” he whispered.

  And I believed him. Because everything about the night we’d once shared had been so good. I drank in more of Jonas’s kisses. He smiled against my lips, any sadness being chased away by his warm hands.

  “Come with me, sweetness. I need to find a condom.” He patted my thigh, and I slid out of bed so that Jonas could get up.

  He went into the bathroom, which was dimly lit. I followed him, drawn like a moth to the flame. I kissed him between the shoulder blades while he opened a bag and fished a packet out. He tore the wrapper open. “Now, sweetness. Tell me how you want me. Just like you did the last time.”

  “Last time I was in charge.”

  “That’s fine,” Jonas said quickly.

  “No, it isn’t. These days I’m always in charge, twenty-four seven.” I held up a hand. “I know that’s my choice. But not tonight.”

  Jonas’s expression grew serious as he cupped my face. “Funny. Every damned thing I do is for me alone, and I’m done with that, too. You need someone else to be in charge, for once?”

  I tipped forward, wanting to feel his skin against mine. “If only for an hour.”

  He wrapped his arms around me. “Two would be even better.” His hands skimmed the bare skin of my back, my waist… my ass. When he spoke again, it was in a husky voice. “Last time was all about you doing something you needed.”

  “Yes,” I said into his shoulder.

  “This time, there’s something I need.”

  “Mmm?” It was hard to think when we were both naked, and he was touching me.

  “I need to prove it to you.” He dipped his head to kiss me.

  “Prove what?” I asked against his lips.

  “That you’re mine,” he rasped, kissing me again. “For keeps.”

  My belly quivered. Jonas slid a hand down my torso until his fingers grazed the outer fringe of my sex, and my quiver gave way to trembling.

  “This.” He teased me with the barest tips of his fingers. “I’m keeping this.”

  I swallowed a moan. I wasn’t sure how I felt about his possessive tone. My body, on the other hand, didn’t have any issues with it.