The Other Wife

by Juliet Bell

  ‘Understand what?’ Her companion dropped an arm around her shoulders, her fingers caressing the bare skin at the top of her arm. I tried not to look, but my body responded as it had never done when Jacob, or even Edward, had touched me.

  ‘Aren’t you afraid?’

  ‘Of what? Being a lesbian isn’t illegal. Only if you’re a gay man. And any day now we’ll win that fight.’

  ‘No. That’s not what I meant.’

  ‘What then?’

  ‘I meant…’ Away from the certainty of the mission, even saying it out loud was beginning to feel ridiculous. ‘I meant, don’t you worry that it’s sinful?’

  The older girl shook her head. ‘Love is not a sin. Not ever.’

  Her companion turned to her and kissed her.

  Behind me I heard a gasp. Susan and Alice had found me.

  I should turn away. I should go back to my companions. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t stop now. ‘Aren’t you afraid of what people will say once they know?’

  The younger girl shrugged. ‘Why? This is who we are and we are proud of it.’

  She held her arms aloft. ‘I am what I am,’ she yelled gleefully.

  No words would come. I felt tears in my eyes. The two of them saw, and without hesitation they stepped forward and hugged me, folded into their embrace, without expectation of anything in return.

  ‘Will you be all right?’ the younger one asked, as she moved away.

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Jane. Jane Eyre.’

  ‘Be proud, Jane Eyre. Be proud.’

  Chapter 59

  Betty

  Betty let the water run over her body as she stood under the shower. She’d never really be clean but she might convince herself that she wasn’t dirty.

  ‘Lizzybeth!’

  Betty switched off the water and wrapped herself in a towel.

  ‘Lizzybeth!’

  Adele was standing in the hallway at the top of the kitchen steps.

  Grace appeared behind her, huffing and puffing. ‘She pushed right past me.’

  Betty looked the older woman in the eye. ‘So what are you going to do about it?’

  The woman looked at the floor. ‘Actually I’m going away.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘To my sister’s in Brisbane. Mr Rochester says my services are no longer required.’ She stepped past Adele. ‘I am sorry. I thought all this was for the best. For you. For your nerves.’

  Betty didn’t know how to reply. She wouldn’t say it was all right. She couldn’t say Grace was forgiven.

  Grace grabbed her hand, pressing something cool and metal into her palm. Then she disappeared down the stairs.

  Adele disappeared into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. The little girl Betty had first met had had another growth spurt in the last few weeks. She was turning into a teenager in front of Betty’s eyes. ‘He’s sending me away too.’

  ‘What?’ Betty’s stomach clenched.

  ‘He said I had to go to school somewhere away, because Grace is going and he’s not getting another nanny to look after me, and my mum’s off… I don’t know where my mum is.’ Adele started to sob. ‘He said it would be nice. He said there were lots of other kids and it wouldn’t be forever.’

  In a heartbeat Betty was five years old sitting in a cold, bare office listening to her father say it wouldn’t be forever, and that he’d come back for her.

  Adele was gulping back tears. ‘I’ve never lived anywhere but here. I don’t want to go.’

  Betty reached over and rubbed the young girl’s back. ‘It’ll be all right.’

  ‘I won’t have to go?’

  Betty shook her head. ‘Not to the place he wants to send you. We’ll go and find your mum. Or…’ There must be somebody. ‘Who else has looked after you?’

  The girl wiped her eyes. ‘Just you. And Jane.’

  That was decided then. She would have to survive and somehow she would have to take Adele with her. ‘When are you supposed to go?’

  ‘The day after tomorrow.’

  Betty closed her eyes. She needed to rest. She needed to plan. She needed more time. But Adele was relying on her. She wouldn’t see another little girl sent away. ‘Then we’ll have to get away tomorrow.’

  ‘Where to?’

  ‘I’m not sure. Which way do you go when you go into town with Edward or Grace?’

  ‘Along the road behind the house. It’s over an hour in the ute, though.’

  Then they’d have to take the ute. ‘Can you get the keys to the ute?’

  Adele nodded. ‘There’s a set in his office. I can get them when he goes to his room to start getting drunk.’

  ‘Right. Wait for me in the kitchen then. Tomorrow night. Straight after dinner.’

  Adele nodded. ‘Thank you, Lizzybeth.’

  ‘Aren’t you a bit old to call me that?’

  ‘Do you prefer Elizabeth?’

  Betty shook her head.

  Chapter 60

  Jane

  I walked back through the doors of the mission, knowing it was for the last time.

  I looked around at the few things I had accumulated in my weeks here. There were the plain skirts and blouses that served as our daily uniform. Equally plain shoes and underwear completed my possessions. Apart from the bible with its faded gold edging.

  I turned away from that and opened the window. The night air carried with it the sounds of Mardis Gras revelry. The music and the voices were muted by distance, but that only served to make them magical. I lay back on my bed and let the sounds take me. I saw again the young women I’d just left. I felt their embrace. Not with desire, but with recognition. Their faces blurred and I saw Helen, smiling at me as she had so many times all those years ago. A regretful sadness settled over me for a life cut short far too soon, and for what might have been. I’d never felt like that before. I’d been angry. I’d been guilty – for not saving her, for not being able to move on, for trying to move on, for loving her at all – but I’d never been simply sad. Helen had been clever and brave and kind and good, and I had loved her. Her not being beside me for all these years was a sadness that I’d never really let myself feel.

  As I began to drift into sleep, another face appeared to me. That tanned skin, the wild red-brown hair, the dark-brown eyes – Mrs Rochester. What had become of her since I ran away? It seemed to me that I heard her voice, not screaming in madness, but crying in pain because I had abandoned her. I heard Adele too, accusing me of the same abandonment. Two faces and voices called to me over a great distance, drowning out the sounds of revelry, invading my mind.

  I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. How could I have done that? After I’d abandoned Helen all those years ago, I’d done the same thing again. I’d abandoned Adele, whom I professed to care for. I’d abandoned that poor woman whose life was bound to Edward Rochester. Wasn’t I just as bad as the ones who vilified the people dancing on the streets outside? I hadn’t seen beyond myself, and the desire I had to be considered right by the world. The world had no right to judge, not those people outside, not me, not Elizabeth Rochester.

  All my life I had let other people make my decisions. From the policemen who removed me from my mother’s care, to the Reeds. Even my decision to teach at Our Lady hadn’t really been mine. Did I really even want to be a teacher? Or a nanny. Or a missionary?

  I knew what I had to do.

  I took the bible from my bedside table and set off downstairs. The door to Brother Jacob’s study was closed, but I gently opened it and walked inside. I placed the bible on his desk. Should I leave a note? Jacob and the mission had taken me in when I was homeless. They had been good to me, in their own way. They deserved something.

  ‘Jane?’

  Jacob was standing in the doorway. He stepped inside and gently closed the door.

  ‘The others told me you had returned to the mission house. They said you were sick.’

  ‘
No, Jacob. Not sick. Sickened perhaps.’

  ‘I know. It is sickening. The depravity and…’

  ‘Not by them. By myself.’ I took a deep breath. ‘And by you.’

  His eyes flew open as if I had slapped his face.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘All of this.’ I spread my hands to indicate the mission and the people in it. ‘I think we’re wrong. I know you think you are doing God’s work, Jacob, but those people on the streets out there aren’t sinners, well, no more or less so than you and I. They are like us.’ I hesitated, but only for a second. ‘Like me.’

  A cold, closed-down expression appeared on his face. ‘What are you saying, Jane. Like you?’

  ‘I loved a woman.’ It was that simple.

  ‘You have a loving heart, Jane. You give your love freely to so many people.’

  ‘No. Listen to me. I loved a woman.’ I spoke slowly, and watched the realisation spread over his face. ‘She died. If she was still alive, I’d probably still love her now.’ That wasn’t right. ‘I do still love her now.’

  ‘But…’

  The realisation was replaced by confusion, then by something approaching hope.

  ‘But, Jane, if you repent and turn to God. By your own words, the perversion can be cured. Stay with us, Jane. You know I dreamt of making you my wife. Stay with me and be cured.’

  ‘I am not sick. I don’t need to be cured.’

  ‘But I need you with me, Jane.’

  ‘And I need to be who I am. Goodbye, Jacob. I do still believe in God – but my God is not your God. If I pray at all, I will pray for you.’

  I left him there and returned to my room. Leaving behind almost everything, I tossed a small bag over my shoulder and left the mission. As I walked into the night I wasn’t afraid. I set out towards Oxford Street, confident the people there wouldn’t harm me. They might even welcome me, but I couldn’t stay here. There were things I had to make right before my new life could truly begin. Tomorrow morning I’d return to Central Station. It was time to go back to Thornfield.

  Chapter 61

  Betty

  They’d have the ute. That would make all the difference, but she still needed to be better prepared than the last time. They needed water and something to eat. Really they needed to drive further than the nearest town before they stopped for the night. Edward might still look for them there if he realised they’d taken a car.

  She didn’t have a map. She hoped there was one stashed in the glove box. She poured the last of her shampoo into the bottom of the shower. It was a relief to see it go. It was the same stuff Grace used, and it was useless for Betty’s hair anyway. Then she held the bottle under the tap until it stopped foaming. It took forever, but she had no choice. She needed something she could carry water in and it was the only thing she had.

  Her own clothes should be easier to sort out. She hardly had anything, and what she did have was old and worn. But even very little had to be carried somehow. She grabbed a pillow from the bed and pulled a pillowcase free. She remembered Christmas morning. A pillowcase full of presents. A woman’s voice laughing. You get more presents that way than with a stocking. A woman’s voice. Her mother?

  Betty sat down on the bed. Her mother. So there really had been a time before. Before her mother got put away. Before her father couldn’t manage. Before the home and the boat and the Masons and Thornfield. There had been a place where she’d belonged. There had been someone who had bought her presents and watched with a smile when Betty unwrapped them.

  She was invigorated. If she’d had that before, she could have that again. And she could give that to Adele. She opened the small cupboard next to the wall and stuffed her few clothes into the pillowcase. It wasn’t much for a whole lifetime, but it was all she had.

  Chapter 62

  Jane

  ‘I’m sorry. We’ve had no luck with attempted repairs. And we’ve still had no word as to when another engine will arrive to take us to Dubbo. I’m afraid we’re just going to have to wait it out.’

  Angry responses greeted the conductor’s words. He held his hands up in what was clearly supposed to be a placatory manner.

  ‘I understand. It’s hot in here and you’re angry. I get it, but there’s nothing more I can do. However, my colleague will be coming through soon to hand out bottles of water.’

  ‘It’s about bloody time,’ a voice yelled from behind me.

  ‘Can’t you at least open a door to let some air in?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m not supposed to, but all right.’

  The conductor announced his intention to the rest of the travellers, adding a warning. ‘You must not leave the train. There may be trains coming on the other track. Please stay inside but it should at least cool things down a bit.’

  ‘Thank God for that,’ someone muttered.

  When the carriage doors slid open, there was some movement of air, but the carriage was still stifling. We had been sitting motionless for more than an hour now. According to the conductor, the locomotive was broken down, and the railways were sending another to take the stranded train through to Dubbo. As the temperature inside the carriage rose, so too did the passengers’ tempers.

  Impatience flared inside me too. I was desperate to get back to Thornfield. It seemed to me that every moment I spent sitting here on this train, Adele and Elizabeth Rochester were in danger. I saw their faces twisted in fear. I saw Rochester. I smelled burning flesh as I tried to beat out the flames that engulfed him.

  ‘I’m getting out of here.’

  The loud exclamation pulled me from my haunted dozing.

  ‘Have they brought a bus for us?’ I asked as I gathered my scattered wits.

  ‘No. They say they can’t because there’s no road. Well, there’s a bloody road over there. You can see the cars.’ The speaker was a stockman with a weathered face and worn blue jeans.

  I followed his pointing hand. A moment later I saw a flash of reflected sunlight, then movement as a car raced past, followed a few moments later by another.

  ‘The railway line runs almost parallel to the highway,’ another passenger offered. ‘That will be the main road into Dubbo. We can walk across the paddock.’

  ‘Please do not leave the train.’ The conductor had returned. ‘It’s too dangerous. You might get hit by a train on the other track.’

  ‘There are no trains out there, mate, just an empty paddock. We won’t get hit by nothing crossing that,’ the stockman said.

  ‘What about snakes?’ asked a timid voice from the back.

  ‘I ain’t scared of snakes.’

  I was. Snakes and spiders both had haunted me since Helen’s death.

  ‘It can’t be more than a kilometre or maybe two across that paddock. So I’m off. Who’s coming with me?’ He jammed the hat on his head in a determined fashion.

  ‘I am asking you once more. Please do not leave the train.’ There wasn’t much force in the words. The conductor seemed to have given up hope of stopping the insurrection.

  I shifted lower in my seat and looked away from the other passengers, staring out the window to the distant road. Around me I heard voices weighing the pros and cons of walking. I wasn’t going to do it, of course. It was against the rules. I always obeyed the rules.

  The sounds ceased as the last brave person jumped from the stationary train. The remaining passengers strained to look out the windows and see them. I did too and watched as the first one climbed through the barbed-wire fence lining the railway track.

  I stood up and pulled my small bag from the overhead rack.

  I raced to the open carriage door.

  ‘Wait for me.’

  I jumped down and hurried over the fence. I was the last to climb between the wires. We set out across an unknown paddock towards a highway, in the hope that someone would stop and give us a lift into Dubbo.

  ‘So,’ I said to the strangers around me. ‘Does anyone know if there’s somewhere in Dubbo I can hire a car? I’ve st
ill got a long way still to go.’

  Chapter 63

  Betty

  Every muscle in Betty’s body was tense, ready for action, as she crept down the kitchen stairs. She slid the key Grace had given her into the lock and opened the door as quietly as she could, pushing the door open a crack. The room was empty. That was all right. Adele would be waiting for Edward to retire to his room before she snuck away. Betty just had to wait. She sat in the silent kitchen, close to the wood-burning stove where she could feel the heat emanating from the firebox, as the cooking fire burned low.

  There was so much that could go wrong, but she wouldn’t think about it. Whatever happened, she was leaving here tonight and she was taking Adele with her. And she would find somewhere for both of them. Somewhere where they both belonged.

  Eventually she heard footsteps in the downstairs hallway. She picked up her pillowcase. They needed to get going quickly, while there was still light for the drive. She hadn’t been behind the wheel for such a long time. She needed to be as far away as possible before night fell.

  The kitchen door swung open. It was Edward. She jumped to her feet, her arms instinctively raised in defence.

  ‘Why aren’t you in your rooms?’

  She could lie. She could say she was getting some air, or pretend she was wandering around like the crazy woman she was supposed to be. No. She wasn’t going to do that anymore. ‘Because I’m leaving.’

  ‘No.’ The word was nothing more than a growl. ‘I’m keeping you here.’

  It didn’t make sense. She hadn’t thought of that before. ‘Why? Grace has gone. Adele’s going away. Why not me?’

  ‘Because this is all your fault.’ He screamed the words across the room at her.

  ‘What is?’

  ‘You drove Jane away. And Celine. And Freddie. All of them.’

  Betty shook her head. He was ridiculous. She could see it now. ‘I barely even met Jane. Or Freddie.’

  ‘You poisoned this place.’ He was drunk. As he came closer she could smell it on him. ‘Before you came here, there were parties here. The house was smart. Everyone respected the Rochesters. And then you.’