God, I Hate That Man

by Rose, Iona

  It breaks my heart a little to think she thinks there’s a good chance I’m going to drive her off somewhere and do God knows what to her, and yet she hasn’t fled because she’s too hungry to run away from the possibility of a meal. Her laugh and the fact she’s meeting my eye now gives me hope that maybe she can see I have good intentions.

  “If you’re serious, then there’s a Travel Lodge just around this corner. We could walk there rather than me having to get into your car,” she remarks quietly.

  Her eyes are pleading with me to be serious about this, and her body is tensed, poised to run.

  “Deal,” I agree. “Why don’t you back up a bit, so I can get out of the car without you feeling like I might grab you?”

  She nods her head and backs up a little.

  I roll the window back up and slowly get out of the car. I lock it and double check it’s locked and then I turn to the girl. “Lead the way.”

  She starts walking and I walk with her, making sure to keep a safe distance between us.

  She keeps giving me furtive glances as we walk and then finally she speaks up, “What’s your deal?”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Not everyone is an opportunist dick that sees me as someone to be used, I’ll admit that. But even the people who care would have given me a dollar or two and felt like they’d done their good deed for the day or whatever. But you’re different. Why?”

  This kid knows too much, has seen too much of how bad people can be. I shrug my shoulders. “I used to be that dick. Not the one who would have hurt you, but the one who would have told myself you ran away and brought this whole thing on yourself,” I admit. “And on a good day, I would have done exactly what you said. Given you a couple of dollars and felt good about myself. On a bad day, I’d have shooed you away. But then I met Ashley and things changed. She made me see I’m part of the problem, and when she held up that mirror, I didn’t like what I saw.”

  The girl seems to accept this and we fall back into silence for a moment before she speaks up again, “The last person before the charity lady who said they wanted to help me took me out to a parking lot and raped me. You know the worst part about that?” She looks over at me.

  I shake my head, although I’m sure the worst part of that is the casual way she’s speaking about it, like experience has taught her it’s normal to be treated this way.

  “Afterwards, he threw a twenty dollar bill at me and told he hadn’t raped me, he’d used my services. I was so hungry I was grateful for the money.”

  “That’s …” I search for the right expression. “Hell kid, I don’t even know what to say to that. That’s… it’s just not right.”

  “Yeah,” she says with a shrug. “You have to find a way through it. If you want to not go completely crazy or turn to smack to get through the day, you have to find some other way to deal with shit like that. Mine is a twisted sense of humor I guess.”

  We reach the corner and turn it and I see the girl was right. A Travel Lodge sits on the corner of the next block. “What’s your name?” I ask.

  “Gemma,” she answers. “What’s yours?”

  “Finn,” I reply. “How long have you been on the streets?”

  “Only about three months, but it already feels like too long.”

  “A day is too long.”

  “Yeah,” she sadly replies.

  “It’s going to be okay, Gemma. Ashley... she’s good at this stuff. She’ll find a way to help you. I promise.”

  I know it’s a promise Ashley might not be able to come through on, but there’s something about this kid. She’s seen too much, been through too much, but I get the feeling there’s still hope for her. She’s a little cynical, who wouldn’t be at this point, but she doesn’t seem like she’s beaten. I admire her fighting spirit and I decide in that moment, if this foster thing doesn’t work out, I’ll make sure this kid is okay. If I have to pay for a little apartment for her while she finishes school and sorts herself out, then I will do it.

  We reach the Travel Lodge.

  Gemma hangs back a little watching me.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “I guess I still hadn’t let myself believe this was for real. I was waiting for you to laugh and walk away from me,” she admits.

  “That’s not going to happen,” I reassure her.

  I want to say more, but I don’t have the words to explain to someone like Gemma that not everyone who offers their help is a total dick. How can I convince her through words when every action she’s seen up until this point argues against the idea? Actions speak louder than words and maybe by actually going through with this, she’ll see that not everyone in the world is bad.

  I pull the door to the Travel Lodge open and we go inside.

  “Hi,” I say to the woman at the reception desk. “I need to book a room. I don’t want to know the number of the room, I just want to pay for it for the next month and add breakfast and dinner too.”

  The desk clerk stares at me like I’ve gone insane.

  I have no way to explain this without humiliating Gemma.

  Gemma, it seems, has no such qualms. “Don’t look at him like that, he’s trying to be nice. I’m homeless and he’s getting me this room because… well because I think he’s trying to impress a girl. And he doesn’t want to know the room number, so I don’t think he’s a creep.”

  “Okay,” the clerk says.

  Gemma grins at me.

  The desk clerk types into her screen for a moment and I hand her my card. I finish the transaction and nod to the couches at the back of the hotel lobby. “Get the key to your room. I’ll be over here,” I say and go sit down.

  Gemma joins me a couple of minutes later with a key card in her hands. “Thank you,” she says with tears shining in her eyes. She blinks quickly and recovers herself, grinning at me. “I hope Ashley is worth it.”

  “She is,” I assert. “But this isn’t just about impressing her. You know that, right?”

  “Sure.” Gemma shrugs.

  I’m not convinced she does but I can live with her thinking I have an ulterior motive when it’s only something as innocent as impressing Ashley. At least, I think Gemma has realized I don’t have any intentions of hurting her in any way and that’s enough for me. I want her to feel safe here. “I’m going to tell Ashley where you’re staying so she can contact you, okay?”

  Gemma nods.

  “Do you need anything else? Clothes or anything?”

  “No. You’ve done more than enough for me already. I have clothes in my backpack and now I have somewhere to wash them. And the room will have toiletries and everything. I can even wash my hair.” She smiles at the thought of such a simple pleasure, one that I completely take for granted.

  I nod and stand up. “It was nice to meet you, Gemma. And I really hope everything works out for you.” I start to walk away.

  “Two-seventy-nine,” Gemma shouts.

  I turn back. “Huh?”

  “My room number. Just so you know I don’t think you’re like those others,” She beams at me.

  I smile back at her, touched by the gesture. Her trust is all she has to give and she’s given it to me. “Good luck, Gemma.”

  Suddenly, she runs towards me and throws her arms around me.

  I hug her back awkwardly for a moment.

  She clings to me, holding me so tightly it almost hurts then she releases me and steps back. “And good luck to you too. Go get your girl.” She turns and heads for the stairs.

  I walk back to my car, satisfied that if nothing else, at least I’ve made a small difference to Gemma’s life. I check my phone when I get back into my car and see I have three missed calls from Tyson. Helping Gemma is the first time in three days I haven’t been thinking constantly of Ashley. The irony of that isn’t lost on me.

  I call Tyson back and he gives me an address. I thank him and plug it into my navigation system. It’s in a nice area. At least, I won’t be afraid to
leave my car there.

  I drive to the address and knock on the door. No matter what happens between us now, I have to speak to Ashley. Because it’s not just about me anymore. It’s about Gemma too.

  21

  Ashley

  I know it’s Finn at the door. I heard his voice before I slammed my bedroom door shut and went to lay on my bed. I can’t believe he’s got the nerve to show up here like this. I know my mom will get rid of him for me. She knows how much he’s hurt me. Of course, she doesn’t know the full story. If I had explained the marriage was never going to be real anyway, she would never have been able to understand why I’m so upset about it all. It’s easier to just let her think Finn broke my heart the conventional way.

  I hear footsteps on the stairs and then my mom knocks quietly on my bedroom door and pokes her head around.

  “Ashley? It’s…” she starts.

  “I know who it is. And I don’t want to see him. Please, just send him away.”

  “I told him all of that, honey, but he said he has some information for you about someone named Gemma?”

  “What?” I say, sitting up from where I’ve been lying on my bed, a pillow hugged to my chest. “Who the hell is Gemma?”

  “Some kid you were trying to place in the foster system or something?” My mom replies.

  My eyes widen. Shit. How has he managed to find Gemma? And what does he know about her? “Is she hurt?” I ask.

  “I don’t know, love. Maybe you should go ask him yourself.”

  I sigh. He’s played his hand well… I’ll give him that. He knew this way I wouldn’t be able to help myself from talking to him. “Fine. Send him up,” resigning myself to the fact I’m going to have to see Finn, after all. I’m only going to talk to him about Gemma though. I have nothing else to say to him.

  Mom nods and leaves my room.

  I quickly jump up and look at myself in the mirror as I drag a comb through my hair. I don’t care if I look a mess except for the fact I don’t want Finn to think I’m like this, a total mess, because of him. Because I’m most definitely not.

  I hear Finn coming up the stairs and I steel myself, although not enough to stop my stomach from turning over when I see how handsome he looks, but it’s not enough to stop the pain inside me when I remember what he told his father.

  “Your mom said it was okay to come up,” Finn says.

  “Well, you made damned sure I couldn’t refuse, didn’t you?” I snap. “Now what do you know about Gemma?”

  “I went by your office and I ran into her. We got to talking and she told me you were trying to get her a place in a foster home. She’s in the Travel Lodge around the corner from your office, so when you’re ready to stop wallowing in self-pity and get your act together, that’s where you can contact her. She’ll be expecting your call.”

  “Wallowing in self-pity?” I repeat, my temper rising.

  “Well, sure. Isn’t that what you’re doing here? Sitting here with the curtains drawn while crying over me, instead of helping the kids who have come to rely on you? Or do you have another word for it?”

  I sit down hard on the bed, shaking my head, and glaring at Finn. “You’ve got some nerve, haven’t you?” I snarl. “You think this is about you? My landlord called me on Saturday morning. He’s got a buyer for our building and we’re out. So no, I’m not wallowing in self-pity because of you. I’m on the verge of losing my charity altogether and I can’t see any way out of that. So forgive me if I’m not doing the fucking cancan here.”

  “Shit Ashley, I’m sorry.” He sits down beside me on the bed. “But it’s not over. I can give you the two hundred and fifty thousand now and you can get some new premises, and—”

  “Jesus Finn, how are you this fucking stupid?” I interrupt him. “Let me make it crystal clear for you. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you anymore.”

  “It’s good to know you haven’t changed. You’re still such a melodramatic brat,” Finn mocks with a laugh.

  His words shock me so much that I just stare at him, unable to form the words to tell him to just get the fuck out of here and not come back.

  “You think that’s unfair?” Finn is looking at me with a cool amusement, the way he used to look at me when we first met. “Well listen to yourself, Ashley. You’re on the verge of losing your charity, and instead of thinking about the kids, you claim to care so much about, you’re thinking about your damned pride.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m thinking that there’s no amount of money in the world that will make me want to marry you now,” I reply.

  “Forget about the wedding for a moment.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. It’s forgotten,” I shoot back sarcastically.

  He shakes his head and goes on, “The money is a donation. And the monthly deal still stands. No matter what happens between us, you’re getting that money. Believe it or not, Ashley, you have actually made me see the problems these kids face and I actually do want to help them. I don’t know how best to do that, but you do, so it makes sense for me to donate the money to you and let you do what you do best.”

  “Right. And I’m supposed to believe there isn’t a catch?”

  “Oh, there’s a catch,” Finn adds quickly.

  Here we go. I raise my eyebrows.

  He smiles. “Help Gemma. Get her into the system and find her a place with a nice family. A family who will care about her and give her a chance.”

  “When did you grow a conscience?” I snap irritably.

  “Well, according to Gemma, it was around the time I wanted to impress this girl,” he teases with a lopsided smile.

  The way he looks just now makes my heart melt. But if he thinks being cute is going to work on me, he’s very much mistaken. My heart might respond to him, and my body certainly does, but for once, I’m doing things Finn’s way and making the decisions with my head instead of my emotions. “It didn’t work. You didn’t impress me in the slightest” I lie. I am kind of impressed he’s willing to help someone like Gemma. But it’s too little too late as far as I’m concerned. “Thank you for helping Gemma. Now if you don’t mind, I have things to do.”

  He makes no move to leave. He doesn’t even get up off the bed. He just nods his head slowly, like he’s thinking about something. “Yeah, I see that. I mean your pillow isn’t going to cry into itself, is it?”

  “Why are you taking so much pleasure in my misery?” I demand.

  “I’m not,” he answers quietly. “But I know you. And I know you’ll rise to the challenge if one is put in front of you.”

  “Whatever,” I say, although I have to admit he’s nailed it. I’m already planning things in my head. “You went to the office looking for me before you even met Gemma, so why don’t you tell me why you’re really here?”

  Maybe if I pretend to hear him out and then tell him to leave, he’ll actually go. It’s the only reason I asked him why he’s here. It’s not like I care what he has to say anymore. Not even a little bit.

  22

  Finn

  This is my moment. My chance to tell Ashley everything. But the way she’s looking at me with such disdain, the way she’s made it clear she’s only entertaining talking to me because I had news on Gemma, tells me it’s a waste of time.

  It’s too late for Ashley and me and to be honest, I would rather her remember me as the guy who helped a homeless kid, instead of the guy who stood begging for her approval. I stand up. “I came here to tell you I’m sorry about what happened at the party, and to try to explain it all to you. But it’s clear you don’t want to hear it, and so I’m just going to go. You can call me anytime if you need anything for the charity.”

  I move my hand towards my pocket to pull out the check I’ve already written.

  “You know for a long time I thought you were arrogant and only into yourself,” she explains. “Sometimes, I still do. But I never thought you were a coward until now.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Yo
u’re here. I’m here. You have your chance to finally tell me the truth, but you’re too much of a coward to take it,” Ashley snaps back. She looks at me, staring straight into my eyes. A challenge.

  “You want the truth? Fine. Here it is. The truth is, I do care about you, Ashley.”

  “No, you only care about getting your hands on your grandpa’s company,” she counters. “You said as much to your father.”

  “That’s not true,” I counter.

  “Oh, really?” Ashley sneers.

  “Yes, really.” I sit back down on the bed. “Aren’t you the least bit curious about why my father suddenly thought I had feelings for you?”

  Ashley shrugs.

  “He thought it, because he saw it, Ashley. And he knew something you don’t. He knew that my grandpa had a change of heart. There’s another will. One dated later than the original one, where my grandpa came to his senses and removed the marriage stipulation. So I can marry you, or not marry you, and either way, I get the company. I found out the night I went to my parent’s house for dinner.”

  “And it didn’t occur to you to tell me that?” Ashley gasps.

  “I was going to tell you that night, but you were stressed out because you’d lost your assistant. I decided to wait until the next day. But then we had that talk, and I thought if I told you then, you would think I was trying to put you off or something. I don’t know what I really thought. I was just scared if you found out we didn’t have to go through the marriage you wouldn’t want to. That… I would lose you.” I explain.

  “So you hid it from me?” Ashley sighed.

  “Yes. But I did plan on telling you. I just never found the right moment. But that’s not the point. The point is, I lied to my father. I lied to him because I hadn’t told you I loved you, and I figured you should hear that before my father did. Because that’s the truth that matters. Ashley Winters, I love you. With every fiber of my being. And I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

  I don’t know what reaction I’m expecting, but it sure as hell isn’t the one I get.