God, I Hate That Man

by Rose, Iona

  Ashley jumps to her feet, her face contorted with rage. She points to the door. “Get the hell out of here Finn and don’t fucking come back,” she yells.

  “What? No,” I argue, getting to my feet, but not leaving. “I mean it, Ashley. I swear I’m telling you the truth. I love you.”

  “And so you thought it was okay to essentially con me into marrying you? You say you were going to tell me about the new will, but when Finn? After we were married?”

  “No. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m sorry okay. I didn’t think of it like that. I just—”

  “Of course, you didn’t think of it like that. You didn’t fucking think at all. You just saw something you wanted and decided you were going to take it, didn’t you?”

  She’s still yelling, but I’ve kind of switched off from it. This was a mistake. And coming here has only made it worse. Surely, for her to be this angry, that has to mean she feels something for me? “Ashley!” I shout loud enough to be heard over her tirade.

  She stops and glares at me.

  I reach into my inner pocket to pull out the check and hand it to her. “I will be keeping my word to you about the donation whether you like it or not. The only condition is that you help Gemma.”

  She nods.

  That much at least I know she’ll do.

  “And as for the wedding, I’m not going to cancel it.”

  “What?” She demands.

  “I said I’m not cancelling the wedding. Because I hope you’ll think about this and realize that I fucked up massively, but that I’m sorry. I hope you’ll give us a chance. So here’s the deal. Come to the wedding, marry me, but only if there’s a little part of you that feels the same way about me, a little part of you that’s willing to give us a shot.”

  “I won’t be there, Finn,” Ashley snaps.

  I head for the bedroom door then turn back to look at her. “Just think about it okay?”

  I leave before she can answer. I know the next five days are going to be the longest five days of my life.

  23

  Finn

  I feel like every eye in the room is on me as I stand at the altar on the raised platform at the front of the grand ballroom of Melbourne Hall. A lot of the people filing in probably are looking at me.

  After all, it is my wedding they’re here for after all. But I don’t feel as though they’re looking at me out of interest, or because it’s expected of them to look interested or whatever. I feel as though they’re all looking at me and pointing the finger, blaming me for what’s about to come. That would be fair I guess. It is my fault after all.

  In a couple of hours, they could all be sneering at me, since Ashley most likely isn’t going to show up to the wedding at all. It could turn out to be one big joke that everyone is in on except for me. Ashley made it abundantly clear she wasn’t going to show up today, but I refused to cancel it.

  She’s going to have to stand me up if she doesn’t want to get married today.

  Over the last few days, I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I think she will show up today. One moment, I’m sure she’s going to show up. The next minute, I’m equally as sure she won't. It’s been absolute hell, but I can’t complain. I mean I brought the whole thing on myself. God, why did I have to be so fucking stupid?

  The thing is, I wasn’t consciously trying to hide anything from Ashley or force her hand. It wasn’t until Ashley’s angry reaction to the truth about how I felt about her and the revised will, was I able to see for myself how fucked up it was not to have told her the truth sooner.

  In my mind at the time, I suppose I thought it was romantic, but looking at it through Ashley’s eyes, I can see why she felt angry. I can see why she thought I was trying to force her to marry me whether she wanted to or not.

  I suppose in some ways I was, but not in a creepy ‘you’ll marry me whether you like it or not’ sort of a way. More, in my mind at least a, ‘I love you and I just want you to see that maybe you could feel the same about me once you really get to know me’ sort of a way.

  “Are you okay man?” My best man Toby asks, putting his hand on my shoulder. He is peering at me like he doesn’t quite know what to make of me and his face is creased with concern.

  “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I don’t know. But you look really white, like you’re going to flake out on me or something,” he replies.

  “I’m just nervous,” I reassure, forcing a smile.

  Just nervous. There’s an understatement. I know you’re meant to be a little nervous on your wedding day, but it’s meant to be about saying the vows wrong, or the flowers not showing up, and maybe a tiny bit of will she come or won’t she come type of nerves. Maybe even a few nerves about how well you’ll be able to perform in bed after a long day filled with too much booze and too much food.

  But I’m pretty sure it’s not meant to be because the odds of the bride turning up are slim to none. Realistically, I’m putting the odds at eighty - twenty, that’s an eighty percent chance she won’t show up. But despite all of this, there’s still a tiny bit of hope inside of me. I’ve defied the odds before and maybe, just maybe, I can do it again.

  I look at my watch for what feels like the one hundredth time since I got up here. There’s another six or seven minutes to wait before Ashley is even due and I know without a doubt they’re going to be the longest minutes of my life. To distract myself, I look around the hall.

  It’s a big hall with huge crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, the lights are dimmed enough to give the place a dreamy, romantic atmosphere. And the whole place is covered in camellias.

  I scan the crowd to see a lot of familiar faces, before I spot Ashley’s family in their seats, minus her dad who is likely pacing around somewhere himself. I’m not sure if seeing them here is a good thing or a bad thing. It’s good that they’re here at all, surely Ashley would have told them if she wasn’t going to be here? But they look on edge, looking at their watches and shuffling uncomfortably in their seats, as though they too think there’s a fair chance Ashley isn’t about to walk down the aisle.

  I hear movement behind me and I turn around.

  Our minister, who insists we don’t need all of the formality and we should just call him Kevin, has arrived from behind his little side door. “Finn,” he smiles warmly, taking my hand in his and pumping it enthusiastically. “You look nervous.”

  “I am,” I admit. I don’t elaborate. A wedding is one of the few occasions where no one expects you to elaborate on why you’re nervous.

  “You think this is bad,” Toby jokes, “wait until it hits him what he’s about to do and he makes a run for it.”

  I frown at him.

  “Relax man. It’s just a joke,” he hisses under his breath and starts to laugh.

  Kevin doesn’t seem to know quite what to say to this. He smiles awkwardly at Toby and then keeps shooting me furtive little glances, like he thinks I might be a flight risk or something. If only he knew, it isn’t me he should be worrying about.

  I look back out into the hall. Pretty much everyone is seated now. Every seat is filled except the one waiting for Ashley’s dad after he walks her down the aisle, and it is a lot of people to witness my shame, or rather my mom’s shame, and my heartbreak.

  I check my watch again, as the groomsmen begin to file out of the back of the room as arranged. They’ll wait there for their bridesmaids and walk down the aisle with them. There’s less than a minute to go and from the quick flash of the hallway I get when the groomsmen are filing out, there isn’t a bridesmaid in sight.

  And it’s not like they have any reason to be late. Except the obvious one, they know something I don’t. There won’t be any traffic jams or flat tires or any of that kind of stuff. Everyone in the wedding party, and to my knowledge the majority of the guests, have rooms here to stay overnight after the reception party, so they all have somewhere on the site to get ready too.

  “Where are they?”
I ask Toby.

  “Relax Finn. It’s almost like a rule these things start a couple of minutes late,” he whispers back. “She’ll be here, don’t worry.” His expression seems a little bit more worried than his casual tone, though. He’s frowning and checking his watch too.

  Even the guests are starting to get restless, shuffling in their seats. The quiet hub-bub of whispered conversation has gone up a notch as people start to speculate about the time.

  At this point, the music starts to play. It’s a moving classical piece with gentle notes that carry well across the large space. It seems to calm the guests, making them settle back down and start to smile.

  The door opens and Ashley’s maid of honor, Sophie, steps in. She’s wearing a long dress in midnight blue satin, the color an exact match for the voile on the chairs. Sophie is smiling as she walks slowly down the aisle. This cannot be anything but a good sign?

  Toby moves to meet Sophie as she reaches the end of the aisle, offering her his arm as she arrives at the platform. He helps her up onto it.

  I turn my focus back to the door.

  Already the other bridesmaids and the groomsmen are walking down the aisle in their pairs.

  They reach the platform and step up, the groomsmen coming to stand behind me. Toby arranges himself at the front of their little line, directly behind me. The bridesmaids line up behind the maid of honor.

  The classical music slowly fades out, replaced by the opening notes of the wedding march. The mood in the whole hall changes to one of excited expectation when the music starts.

  I watch the door, my heart racing. My mouth is dry and my palms are sweaty.

  It’s been too long. Too long since the rest of the wedding party came in.

  I notice Toby exchanging what he thinks are subtle looks with the maid of honor.

  She looks horrified, and she keeps mouthing I don’t know.

  Does this mean she doesn’t know why Ashley has fled, or she doesn’t know why she’s running a minute or two late?

  It’s too late for me to have any hope of Ashley being here. The maid of honor clearly doesn’t know why Ashley isn’t here. For all I’ve tried to steel myself for this inevitable moment, deep down, I realize now, I thought she would come.

  I really did.

  I realize something else as well. I have absolutely no idea what to do next. Do I make an announcement that Ashley isn’t coming, or do I slip out of the side door and let Toby and the minister handle the guests?

  I’ve never really thought much about marriage except in the abstract, until I met Ashley. So needless to say, the etiquette of being stood up at the altar has definitely passed me by.

  I glance at the minister, hoping to take my cue from him.

  He’s smiling serenely, the same expression he has worn since the maid of honor appeared, but now, it looks forced.

  It doesn’t help me in the slightest. I don’t think anyone can help me at this point. I should just leave. Somehow, I can’t make my feet move though and I keep my eyes on the minister’s face, as though by looking at him, I can somehow force this all to be okay. He definitely is the one who will know what to do next I tell myself.

  As I watch him, trying to get his attention without it being obvious to the guests that’s what I’m doing, his face changes. His smile looks genuine again now, and his shoulders have relaxed. A pleased sigh comes from the guests.

  Now, I dare to let myself think she’s here.

  I don’t turn around to look though in case I am wrong and the tiny spark of hope inside of me dies for good. Then I hear a gasp rise up from the crowd and I know it can only mean one thing. I slowly turn around.

  My heart almost stops in my chest when I see Ashley and her father moving slowly down the aisle towards me. Even through the long veil she’s wearing, I can see Ashley is smiling, and her cheeks are flushed pink. She’s carrying a large bouquet filled with white lilies and midnight blue roses.

  Her dress is pure white, the bodice tight and strapless, adorned with silver thread that shines beneath the light from the chandeliers. The skirt part of the dress is fuller, billowing out around her legs in swirls of voile and satin, shot through with the same silver thread. It makes her look ethereal. They have done something with her hair too, made it look as if it is very long while put into a bun at the back of her head and decorated with flowers.

  She is a vision and I know without a doubt that she is by far the most beautiful thing I have ever seen or will ever see again. My heart is hammering in my chest, a remnant of my total panic from earlier, but I can swallow again, which is something. I still feel nervous, but the urge to throw up or flake out has passed. Now I feel like this is normal wedding nerves, and all of those things I had blocked out worrying about when I was solely focused on whether or not Ashley would even show up, come rushing back in.

  What if I make a mistake with the ring? Oh God, what if the ring is missing?

  I tell myself none of it matters. All that matters is that I’m marrying the woman of my dreams, and it is the one thing I’m certain isn’t a mistake. It never could be. I still can’t resist glancing at Toby and mouthing, “You have the ring?”

  He nods and pats his jacket on the spot where the inner pocket is.

  I turn my gaze directly back to watch Ashley. I know it’s a cliché, but I really do only have eyes for her.

  Ashley and her father reach the edge of the platform. She turns to face him for a moment.

  He takes her hands in his and gently squeezes them.

  Ashley and her father turn back to the platform.

  Toby nudges me forward.

  I remember what I’m supposed to be doing and I step forward.

  Ashley’s father places her hand in mine, and nothing has ever felt so right. My whole body tingles from her touch as I watch her step onto the platform beside me.

  She turns to face me.

  I reach up and take her veil in my hands. My hands are shaking, but I ignore the nerves and slowly lift the veil and push it back. She’s wearing a silver and diamond tiara in her hair and I can see it now since the veil is pulled back, but I see it for only a second before my eyes lock on hers.

  Her cheeks are flushed and glowing, but she looks nervous too.

  I want to reach out and hold her, to wrap her in my arms and never let her go, but I know I can’t do that yet. I settle for leaning in close to her and whispering in her ear, “You look beautiful.”

  She’s smiling when I stand back, tears shining in her perfectly made up eyes. She mouths a thank you at me and then I take her hand in mine and we turn to face the minister.

  “Welcome ladies and gentleman, and thank you for coming together today to stand witness as Finn and Ashley celebrate their love for each other and become one. Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. It’s a life-long commitment to love each other. And it is not really about today. Although today marks the first day of their journey together, marriage is about so much more than simply a wedding. It is about being there for each other through the good times and the bad times. It is about supporting each other, and becoming a team that will always stand together, no matter what.”

  As he says the words, I risk a glance at Ashley. I expect her to look angry somehow, but she doesn’t.

  She looks happy. She must feel my eyes on her because she turns her head to face me, and smiles at me.

  Kevin is reading a poem now, one no doubt chosen from an approved list of my mother’s recommendations. I barely hear the words, focusing instead on Ashley, and for a minute, I am filled with regret. Not regret that I am marrying Ashley, but regret that I’m not giving her the wedding of her dreams. I’m giving her the wedding of my mom’s dreams.

  I realize Kevin’s words at the start of the ceremony were true, perhaps truer for us than any other couple. Marriage isn’t about the wedding. It’s about being together in spite of the odds. It’s about having each other’s backs through everything that comes up over a lifetime together.
It’s about being by each other’s sides through thick and thin.

  Kevin finishes the poem and now he’s addressing us.

  I force my eyes from Ashley and focus on his words. I’m bound to get something wrong if I’m not even listening to him.

  “Marriage is a contract between two people, make no mistake about that,” Kevin continues.

  Ashley glances at me and gives me a smug grin.

  “But it’s not a contract written solely in black and white. It’s a contract between two hearts. Two hearts that promise to love each other for all eternity,” he goes on.

  Now, it’s my turn to flash Ashley a smug grin.

  Maybe we’re both right. Maybe marriage is a contract, but maybe it’s also about love and celebrating our relationship.

  “And now the vows,” Kevin says. “Finn, repeat after me. I, Finn, take you, Ashley, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death parts us.”

  I repeat his words without stumbling, looking into Ashley’s eyes as I say the words, needing her to know that although I didn’t write the words, my mom thought writing our own vows would be tacky, especially given the situation when we were first planning all of this, I mean them with everything I am and everything I have.

  “And now Ashley, repeat after me. I, Ashley, take you, Finn, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death parts us,” Kevin repeats.

  Ashley looks at me and smiles, her unshed tears catching the light from above, making her eyes even more luminous than usual. “I, Ashley, take you, Finn, to be my lawfully—”

  She stops abruptly as the door at the end of the aisle slams open.

  Everyone turns to see what’s going on and every eye in the place lands on Andrew Garfield.

  My heart sinks into the bottom of my stomach.

  Andrew is storming down the aisle towards us, a brown envelope in his hand as everyone watches him, whispering and looking at each other in horror.