Pushing Over 40

by S M Mala

  ‘Say ‘hello’ to Tony from us,’ said Dee, stepping into the car. ‘And please don’t do anything embarrassing.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘Ask him to come round to lunch with his daughters on Sunday,’ Dee smiled, closing the car door. ‘He’s such a lovely man.’

  ‘Am I invited?’ Maya smiled, seeing Dee’s smile fade.

  ‘You’re there whether I like you or not,’ she replied and wound down the window.

  ‘Isn’t the saying ‘like it or not’?’

  ‘You heard,’ Dee mouthed and smiled.

  Maya waved as they drove off and laughed at Eadie poking her tongue at her. She turned and walked to the house to see Tony standing at the door with his hands on his head.

  ‘What’s taken you so long?’ he asked and smiled.

  She walked slowly up to him and stopped.

  ‘Those ASBO people who live next door to you stopped me, wanting to know what I was doing here,’ she smiled and looked into the house as Tony put a finger to his lips then pulled her in and kissed her behind the door.

  ‘That’s a lovely greeting. I told them you offered to help me with the website but I’m to behave.’

  ‘I need to talk to you about your website,’ he seriously said while she walked past and he gently stroked her back.

  ‘I told you already,’ she said, stopping in the corridor.

  ‘I know,’ Tony wearily smiled and led her into the living room.

  ‘I don’t want to collaborate. I don’t need the money to do it, as it’s my hobby. I want to help.’

  ‘Maya,’ he sighed and pulled her hand as he sat on the sofa. ‘Loads of companies would advertise on your site and-.’

  ‘You’re not listening to me.’

  She looked down at him as he let his head drop forward.

  ‘Why don’t you sell your website to my company?’ Tony asked, looking straight back at her. ‘We have an excellent team who could answer all the threads posted without relying on people who are less qualified.’

  ‘You mean me, don’t you?’ she said furiously, pulling her hand away and feeling immediately hurt by the comment. ‘I’m qualified in life you know. Trying for a baby, losing one, coping with the grief, trying again and again to have one and fucking failing!’

  ‘You’ve cornered a market there,’ he said, standing up to face her, though towering over her still.

  ‘It’s not a ‘market’,’ she sighed and looked up directly into his eyes. ‘It’s not a socialising website it’s about support, advice and-.’

  ‘Care. I know,’ he said, bending down to kiss her gently on the lips. ‘You know the website has potential to make you money.’

  ‘No,’ she said, pushing him away. ‘I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not getting dodgy advertisers to go onto the website.’

  ‘You’re giving people free advertising,’ he said, raising his eyebrows.

  ‘They’re word of mouth recommendations.’ Maya touched his face and smiled, before flicking his earring. ‘Stop being a business man and realise you have to do things for love.’

  ‘There was a story about someone who has tried IVF, god knows how many times. They’d make a perfect feature in-.’

  ‘No! The women need privacy you know,’ she said, looking at him purse his lips and shake his head.

  ‘It’s real life stories that people want to hear.’

  ‘Then they can look at the website.’

  ‘But no one knows it’s there,’ he huffed and put his hands on his head.

  ‘Then how comes I get so many hits a day, aye? And Drake used a similar format? And you knew about it?’ Maya stroked his face. ‘I don’t want to talk about the website, okay? The only advice you’ve given me so far has been to commercialise the whole thing, which I won’t.’

  ‘Are you complaining,’ he asked, hugging and kissing her face.

  ‘Tony,’ she said, sighing as she felt his lips on her face. ‘I need to talk to you.’

  ‘About what?’ he whispered kissing her chin.

  ‘When we met I was very honest about what I wanted in the future, wasn’t I?’

  He stopped what he was doing and she saw him frown as he stepped back.

  ‘You said you wanted babies and I told you I couldn’t give you one because I had a vasectomy,’ he said, looking away then sitting on the sofa.

  ‘And you also don’t want any more children,’ she said, watching him sit back and stare.

  She couldn’t gauge the look on his face but knew he wasn’t impressed by the topic of conversation.

  ‘No kids for me because I can’t have them, thanks to the snip. What’s this about, as if I didn’t know?’

  ‘I’ve been seeing you for over five months and I’m having a lovely time,’ Maya said as he looked at her, still not smiling. She sat next to him and touched his hair. ‘And I want to continue this for as long as you want to.’

  ‘Good,’ he said, stroking her arm. ‘Why are you bringing up babies? I told you to stop thinking about it.’

  ‘I’m going to be forty three soon and I have to get a move on.’ Maya noticed his frown was getting deeper. ‘I need to start thinking about getting pregnant.’

  Tony instantly got up and walked towards the window as Maya examined his trim physique.

  ‘When are you thinking about getting pregnant?’ he said, turning to face her. ‘I need to know.’

  ‘In the next couple of months because I don’t want to sit down on my fiftieth birthday and think ‘if only’. I want to have a baby I really do, or at least seriously try for one.’

  ‘I told you I wanted you to concentrate on us.’

  ‘I don’t want our relationship to stop.’

  ‘Have you booked an appointment with the clinic?’

  ‘I’ve had an offer,’ she said, forcing a smile and seeing he wasn’t returning one.

  Tony glared at her.

  ‘Sex?’ he sighed and she knew he was agitated.

  ‘I don’t want to sleep with anyone else other than you,’ she gently said, seeing he was getting angry. ‘I know I’m not supposed to say that as we’re keeping it pretty cool but that’s how I feel.’

  ‘I lost my wife over three years ago, you know the story. I said I’d like to have fun with you and that’s what we’re doing. There are no strings,’ he replied in a low and even tone, making Maya’s heart sink. ‘You can do what you like and so can I.’

  ‘I… yes of course. That’s not the impression I was getting,’ she said, hiding her bitter disappointment. ‘If I go and get fertilised does that mean you’ll stop seeing me?’

  ‘It means our relationship will change,’ he said, then shrugged. ‘But if it has to end then it has to end.’

  ‘You don’t feel anything for me?’

  ‘I like your company, I really, really like you and we have great sex,’ he said, standing up and walking to the kitchen. ‘But I’m not falling in love with you if that’s what you’re angling for, no way.’

  Maya didn’t know what to say.

  She stood in the living room stung by the comment and could see the feelings were all one sided.

  Her side.

  ‘It makes it less complicated then,’ she quietly replied, biting back her tears. ‘I thought… I don’t know to be honest.’

  ‘I don’t need complications,’ he said loudly, bracing himself against the kitchen counter, his back towards her.

  Maya got up and went closer, waiting for him to turn around but he didn’t.

  ‘I really, really like you,’ she said, making him jump. ‘I think I’m also a little bit in love with you.’

  Tony held his head up and glanced at her from the side.

  ‘That’s not very sensible if you want to have a baby with another man, is it?’

  ‘Can’t I have you and a baby?’

  ‘It won’t work,’ he said and turned to face her. ‘You shouldn’t wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll only get hurt.’

  ‘You don�
�t feel anything for me then?’ she double blinked hoping he’d say something.

  ‘Don’t put your life on hold for me,’ Tony replied and walked back into the living room

  Maya stood there, realising that was a big fat ‘no’ if ever she heard one.

  ‘I better go home then,’ she said, seeing him sit down on the sofa and look out into the garden.

  ‘I think you better.’

  Now

  It would be so simple to carry on as if nothing had happened. This was a slight blip and it was meant to be.

  She couldn’t overcome her loss and how unfair it had been.

  It wasn’t how it was meant to be, it was just life being a total fucker and making her suffer, this time in such a way she couldn’t see forward.

  She couldn’t see anything.

  All she could see was her dead baby wrapped up in a blanket as she looked down at her, the image coming into her head again and again.

  And feeling nothing when she looked at the child, hoping it was all a terrible mistake.

  Then

  Maya went to the bank and withdrew one thousand pounds from her savings account then walked back home. She looked at the text from Adam.

  ‘See you at five. I’m bursting at the seams!’

  She felt momentarily queasy at what she was doing. Tony hadn’t called her for three weeks and she was gutted. It was the green light she needed to take Adam up on his offer.

  Maya was desperately in need of a drink. She hadn’t touched a drop for twelve days and looked at the bottle of unopened wine in her fridge then at the sterilised turkey baster wondering how much he’d fill up.

  For this momentous occasion she had preened and pampered herself, making sure she looked as nice as possible. It was 4.45pm and she sat down on the sofa, waiting for him and continuously glancing at her watch.

  And she waited nervously.

  But all her thoughts focussed back onto Tony.

  She rang him but it went through to his voice mail, as did the other three calls and there was a sharp pain in the pit of her stomach.

  Then she rang Shona.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, feeling butterflies in her gut while bad scenarios crossed her mind as it started to pass 5.00pm.

  ‘Hey there,’ Shona said brightly. ‘Any news from Tony?’

  ‘No,’ she said, gulping hard. ‘I can’t believe he felt nothing about me after five months.’

  ‘At least you were honest and that means he was a fucker deep down,’ she said sympathetically. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m…’ Maya hadn’t told anyone about her deal with Adam and knew what the reaction would be, ‘… working on the website. I have lots to do.’

  ‘Do you want to meet up for a drink when I finish work?’

  ‘No!’ she said, a little too loudly. ‘I’m trying to detox so I can get ready to go to the sperm clinic.’

  ‘It’s sad Tony didn’t have any sperm to give you,’ Shona whispered. ‘You don’t sound happy.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have told him I was a little bit in love with him. I’m going to be mortally embarrassed about it every time I bump into him again,’ she said, trying to sound up.

  ‘It’s his loss. And you have to see his point of view. How would the relationship work if you’re knocked up with another man’s baby who you didn’t even have sex with? What would Tony be expected to do?’

  ‘Be supportive? It shows I wasn’t unfaithful just quite methodical on my approach.’

  ‘You’re not being realistic.’

  ‘I know but I don’t want to regret not trying. One baby, that’s all I’m asking for.’

  ‘You can pull the men, it’s just you can’t pull the right one.’

  ‘Tony was the nearest.’

  ‘I’m sorry, but the harsh truth is that he knew what you wanted and when push comes to shove-.’

  ‘I’ve been shoved, I know. He might have pre-determined it all, hoping I’d want to go ahead with my plan thus giving him the perfect excuse to dump my sorry arse. I have to do some work. I’ll see you in a few weeks okay? Have a lovely holiday.’

  ‘Don’t get up to mischief while I’m away.’

  Maya watched her clock on the wall as it got closer to 5.30pm. Then it got closer to 6.00pm and by 7.00pm she admitted defeat.

  ‘I knew it,’ she said, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘That little wanker was taking the piss!’

  Maya stood up and walked towards her window. She sighed deeply and looked out.

  No sign of Adam.

  Her heart sank realising she shouldn’t have considered anything he said, then she’d still be seeing Tony. But the man didn’t feel the same way about her and she’d found out the hard way which included a dose of humiliation and rejection.

  She walked to her bedroom and opened her case with the information about her sperm clinic and sighed that she’d have to go back there. Deep down, Maya didn’t want to.

  ‘I’m such an idiot,’ she said, feeling a wave of mortification rise in her. ‘I should know better than to trust him, that fucker Adam Brady!’

  Then there was a knock on the door making her jump up. Thinking it could be Harry she hid her documents and rushed down the corridor, flinging the door open.

  ‘Hi there,’ Adam said and walked in.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, smelling the fumes of alcohol from his breath.

  ‘I’ve come to do my duty,’ he said cheerfully.

  ‘What duty?’

  Maya could see he wasn’t pissed but he wasn’t sober either. She was putting this down to needing Dutch or, from the smell of it, Scotch courage.

  ‘My duty to donate this,’ Adam said, grabbing at his crotch. ‘Sorry I’m a little late.’

  ‘And how are you going to fire it in the right place if you’re too pissed to focus.’

  ‘I’m not pissed,’ he laughed and took something out of his pocket. ‘Some magazines to help me go for it.’

  ‘I see.’

  Maya didn’t know what to do.

  ‘You’ve been drinking and now you want me to accept your semi pickled semen as part of the deal!’ she snapped. ‘Do you think I’m a complete idiot?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ he said, shaking his head and now flicking through his porn.

  ‘Your sperm. It won’t be good quality because you’ve been drinking.’

  ‘When you’ve been drinking, you’re more likely to shag someone so those little darlings will be on fire!’ he laughed. ‘Where do you want me to go? Do you want me to do it into a jug or something?’

  ‘I’m not quite sure about this.’

  It was now a real situation and she hadn’t thought it through… or he hadn’t.

  ‘Do you want me to wank into that?’ he said, pointing to the turkey baster which was in a sterilised plastic bag. ‘Then hand it to you to insert into your fanny or do you want me to assist?’

  ‘Don’t be disgusting!’

  Maya went bright red and gulped hard unable to look at him.

  He was trying to hide his laughter.

  ‘Are we ready?’ Adam gently asked.

  ‘Yes,’ she mumbled, realising her effort to look half decent had fallen flat on a man who was keen on girls with inflated tits and no pubic hair. ‘Thanks for bringing along the props.’

  ‘I need them,’ he said, pointing towards the bedrooms. ‘That way then?’

  ‘Here,’ she said, handing him some rubber gloves and the baster.

  ‘What am I going to do with these?’ he asked, turning his nose up at the plastic gloves.

  ‘Wear them… or one of them while handling the baster… or wear both.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know why?’ she snapped. ‘It’s more hygienic!’

  ‘Where do you want me to go to do this?’

  ‘You can go into the spare bedroom. I’ll show you.’

  Maya walked past him and opened the door.

  ‘Once you’ve done the busin
ess, I’ll be in here,’ she said, pointing to her bedroom, next door to where he was going to go. ‘You can bring the thing and then you can leave.’

  ‘And the money?’ he said, stopping right behind Maya and pushing her forward.

  ‘It’s in an envelope by the bread bin in the kitchen,’ she said, pulling away from what seemed something stiff in his jean. ‘Half in cash and half in a cheque as agreed. Two thousand pounds as requested.’

  ‘The cheque won’t bounce, will it?’

  Adam pushed past her into the spare bedroom and stood by the door.

  ‘Not as much as I suspect your little swimmers will after all the booze you’ve had,’ she grimaced. ‘See you in… whatever. Good luck.’

  Maya held out a hand and watched Adam look down at it then laugh before closing the door in her face.

  She sat in her bedroom not knowing what to do before suddenly realising she needed to get ready. Propping pillows at one end of her bed for her legs to be higher, she removed her knickers and took off a layer of clothing then heard something from the next bedroom.

  Adam was making noises.

  She put her ear against the wall then pulled away, knowing it was wrong only to then return to the same position in anticipation of what he was going to do.

  Adam was moaning.

  ‘Come on,’ he said, getting breathless. ‘Yeah, come on! Oh yeah. Fucking lovely!’

  ‘Nice words,’ she sneered and stood back.

  She was disgusted and a little bit aroused by what he was saying. There were more noises.

  ‘Oh god fucking Jesus!’

  ‘Nice catholic boy!’

  ‘Shit! Oh shit!’ he yelled and Maya now jumped straight back to the bed as all went silent.

  There was a knock on the door.

  ‘You there?’ he asked breathlessly.

  She opened the door and saw his beautifully flushed face before seeing his hand hold out the baster.

  ‘There you go.’

  Maya looked at the baster.

  ‘Is that it?’ she said, before realising what had come out of her mouth. ‘I mean, I’ve never measured it before.’

  ‘That’s more than enough. The average ejaculation is about a teaspoon,’ he said indignantly. ‘You better go and do your thing.’