Pushing Over 40

by S M Mala

  She looked at the torn cards in a heap on the floor and trod on them as she walked away.

  Then

  The gel was carefully put on her stomach by another consultant she had not met before, Dr Priti. Maya felt excited and scared at the same moment but waited anxiously for the scan to start.

  ‘There’s the head,’ she began and Maya strained her neck to see the picture.

  Maya smiled at the sight of her baby looking very contented moving around inside her. The consultant was scanning the skull then went slowly through down the torso of the baby.

  There was silence.

  ‘I’m not sure if this scanner is working very well,’ said the consultant. ‘Let me see.’

  She noticed the screen was moved so she couldn’t see it but Maya was pleased the baby was there and moving and all was well.

  ‘This scanner isn’t very good,’ Dr Priti said and smiled. ‘Let me see if I can get my colleague.’

  Maya lay there wanting to turn the screen but she couldn’t reach and patiently waited. Dr Priti returned.

  ‘I’m going to have to ask you to wait for my colleague. She’s tied up with another patient at the moment,’ Dr Priti gently said.

  ‘Sure,’ Maya replied, knowing she’d have to wait another hour.

  ‘Go and get a tea or something,’ Dr Priti said, helping her off the table. ‘Come back in half an hour.’

  Maya went to the coffee bar and waited, constantly looking at her watch while drinking a hot chocolate. She quickly walked back to the waiting room.

  ‘Ms De Freitas,’ Dr Priti said and smiled. ‘Can you follow me?’

  Maya walked behind the doctor and went into another room to be met by Dr Wilson who was reading her notes.

  ‘Hello there,’ Doctor Wilson said smiling brightly. ‘Hop on!’

  Maya lay down on the table and pulled up her top for gel to be squeezed onto her tummy as Doctor Wilson began the scan.

  ‘And you feel okay?’ she asked, examining what was on screen.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine other than being a little stressed by all this,’ Maya replied, feeling her heart beat faster.

  ‘Okay, well I don’t think the baby has downs syndrome,’ she sighed. ‘But there are a few things that I’m not exactly happy about. Can you see the skull?’

  Maya looked at the screen and noticed an oval shape in the skull.

  ‘Yes, what’s that?’

  ‘It’s a cyst,’ Dr Wilson replied. ‘And also the baby isn’t swallowing. It looks like their oesophagus is blocked.’

  ‘I see,’ said Maya, feeling an explosion of fear creeping up.

  ‘And it looks like there’s a slight problem with one of the valves to the heart but I can’t really tell as you’re only twenty one weeks and a day.’ Dr Wilson looked at Maya. ‘As separate things they are not serious but three things makes me a little worried. Why didn’t you want amniocentesis testing?’

  ‘I was afraid I’ll miscarry,’ Maya said, realising it was the least of her worries.

  ‘I recommend you have amniocentesis so we can see what is going on with baby,’ Dr Wilson said with now a genuine smile on her face. ‘Can we book her in?’

  ‘I’ll find out,’ said Dr Priti and walked out the door.

  ‘What does it really mean?’ Maya asked Dr Wilson. ‘What do you think is wrong?’

  ‘I can’t tell at the moment that’s why we need the testing to be done.’

  ‘Monday at nine is that okay?’ said Dr Priti walking in with a book. ‘I’ve managed to book you in first.’

  ‘Great,’ Maya said, trying to smile but felt numb.

  She got up and wiped her stomach before putting her jacket on.

  ‘Maya,’ Dr Wilson gently said. ‘You know the legal date for termination is twenty four weeks but we can go over that time if there is a chromosome disorder. You should bear this in mind and please don’t go looking in the web for anything, it’ll only scare you more than it should.

  ‘Yes,’ said Maya smiling and not knowing why, as she walked out of the room and down the corridor.

  As she got to the lift she saw a heavily pregnant woman crying her eyes out being comforted by her parents while her partner stood angrily pacing.

  Maya could sniff bad news from a mile and she knew hers wasn’t any better.

  Avoiding everyone over the weekend and sitting in solitude, Maya waited for Monday morning. She focussed on cleaning and tidying her home then dedicated her time to search the web.

  The words ‘chromosome’ kept coming into her head and she knew there was a hint. She searched until she found a website that stated ‘Edwards Syndrome’ – Trisomy 18’. That’s when her heart began to sink and she felt the true terror at what she was reading.

  ‘Can’t be,’ she said, seeing the markers they were describing were similar to hers then she stopped.

  ‘Fatal,’ Maya said, reading the pages.

  She shut the web page down and cried. It was turning into a very bad dream and Maya was unable to grasp what was going on. Rubbing her tummy she gulped hard.

  ‘I’ll look after you, I promise. I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I really won’t.’

  Maya sat in her car and drove to Richmond Park. She needed to get away from Christmas and some space to think. Her results were due the following day and she was still hoping that everything would be okay. Inside her bag was the scan of the baby and she smiled. It was nine thirty in the morning and no one was about other than the man who sold teas, coffees and bacon sandwiches.

  On the park bench she noticed the light grey clouds and the stark trees. There was the big old tree she always noticed and today it looked bigger and stronger.

  Her mobile started to ring which made her jump and slightly spill her plastic cup of tea.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, trying to wipe up the mess.

  ‘Is that Maya?’ asked the voice. ‘It’s Dr Priti.’

  Maya’s heart stopped.

  ‘Hello,’ Maya said. ‘It’s me.’

  ‘Can you come in tomorrow morning?’

  ‘It’s bad news isn’t it?’ asked Maya, knowing full well the tone of voice said it all.

  ‘Would nine be okay?’

  ‘I know it’s bad news,’ Maya continued. ‘I just know it.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow Maya.’

  She couldn’t cry though everything was coming on top of her.

  Maya wanted to scream as loudly as she possibly could.

  Getting back into the car she rushed home and started her consultancy work, wanting to hide in that for a while.

  It was too silent.

  She put the radio on and couldn’t handle the sound of pop so she tuned to Radio 2 for some soothing tunes. Sitting there typing for dear life she heard a song. She was too far away to turn off the music system but the words were hurting her and Maya sobbed so loudly she thought she was going to be sick.

  It was a tune she knew from when she was little and used to sing it because it made her happy but the chorus was making her cry as one of the lines said ‘never let her slip away.’

  Maya went to bed. Her whole system went into meltdown and she slept solidly until the following morning.

  Sitting in the familiar room where she’d heard the news about her HCG, she watched Dr Wilson enter the room in her scrubs. She’d seen Dr Priti in the waiting room and even Maya knew she was looking at her with great concern.

  ‘I wasn’t meant to be here,’ Dr Wilson gently said. ‘I just delivered some twins.’

  Maya smiled and saw her reading a piece of paper.

  ‘We got the results back and it’s not what we were expecting,’ she gently said as Maya looked at Dr Priti’s frown.

  Looking at the piece of paper Maya saw the words written and waited.

  ‘The tests show that your baby has ‘Edwards Syndrome’,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how much you know about it.’

  ‘I read up,’ Maya calmly replied.
<
br />   ‘It’s a rare chromosome called Trisomy 18 which means that the baby will be severely disabled. The chances of survival are rare, in fact there is only one surviving case in the world.’

  The information was too much to take in and Maya just cried. She couldn’t gauge her emotions. She knew it was going to be bad but not this intense. Controlling her tears and the depth of her pain, she felt her tummy as the baby kicked.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Dr Priti asked, as she leaned closer and held out a cup of water for her.

  ‘Your options are to terminate now or you can carry on with the pregnancy but because of the restrictions in the baby’s swallowing there might be excessive fluid retention which could damage your kidneys. This will mean that we will have to drain the extra fluid but it can prove to be very dangerous if there’s a strain on the kidneys. There’s also the great possibility that the baby will die while you’re carrying it.’

  ‘I’ll have to terminate,’ she said calmly, not actually believing what was coming from her mouth.

  It was a sudden decision she’d not thought through.

  ‘We can’t start the procedure today,’ Dr Wilson gently said. ‘We prefer if you came back in a few days to get mentally prepared for what’s going to happen.’

  ‘Okay,’ Maya said, getting out her diary and looking at blank pages, unable to know what she was doing.

  ‘It’s a simple procedure but it means that you will have to deliver the baby a few days later,’ she said and Maya couldn’t see anything as the tears were burning and blinding her eyes.

  ‘When you say simple, what do you mean?’

  ‘We can’t deliver the baby because sometimes the cry of your own child might upset you. We take a needle and put it into the heart-.’

  Maya sobbed loudly and put her hand over her mouth realising what she was saying.

  ‘It’s painless and quick,’ Dr Wilson continued. ‘You then have to take a few tablets to enable you to go into labour.’

  ‘I have to give birth?’

  ‘At your gestation period it’s the only way,’ she gently said. ‘It’s very traumatic but we will do our best to make sure you’re looked after.’

  ‘When will the baby be born?’ she sobbed.

  ‘We’ll ask you to come back three days after so we can induce you,’ she gently said. ‘I recommend you have someone with you when you come back in for the procedure and when you go into labour.’

  ‘I’m going to kill my baby aren’t I?’ she sobbed feeling the tightness in her chest and throat.

  ‘Your baby isn’t going to live Maya, either way.’

  ‘Could they have made a mistake with the tests? Maya pleaded.

  ‘No,’ said Dr Wilson then stood up. ‘We’ll leave you alone for a moment.’

  The women got up and closed the door as Maya sobbed loudly and uncontrollably, hugging her baby and hoping they had got it wrong.

  She knew this was as bad as it was going to get.

  Now

  As Adam walked into the flat, they looked at each other and burst into tears. Maya flung herself in his arms and sobbed.

  ‘It’ll be okay. You have to say goodbye,’ he whispered in her ear.

  ‘I’m not ready. I think I made a terrible mistake.’

  ‘You didn’t,’ he said, gently pushing her back. ‘You had no choice.’

  ‘I should have…’ Maya couldn’t face saying the words going through her mind again and again. ‘I should have let her go naturally.’

  ‘With the chance of your kidneys going into failure because of the fluid and then your blood pressure would go sky high. You had no choice.’

  ‘Why couldn’t I have had a normal baby? On my website there are-.’

  ‘Don’t look at the fucking thing it’s only going to upset you.’

  ‘People are having normal babies and everything is fine,’ she sobbed. ‘Then I looked at the bereavement and loss section. I always avoid it and there are lots of messages about how things went wrong. I should have read them. If I did then I wouldn’t have got pregnant, I really wouldn’t have.’

  ‘You would,’ he said, pulling her head up and Maya looked into his intense dark brown eyes. ‘Because it’s what you wanted and you did have a baby and you were a mum… you still are a mum.’

  ‘But where’s my baby,’ she screamed out and buried her head in his chest. ‘Where did she go?’

  Then

  Every time she switched on the television something upset her. From the baby commercials to seeing something sad… her emotions were raw and there was no one to talk to.

  She lied to Shona about what happened with the amniocentesis. Her pain was too big to deal with, she couldn’t cope with her friend’s sadness… it would hurt her even more.

  All she wanted to do was see Tony, tell him that their baby was going to die. If ever there was a time when she needed someone, it was now.

  Walking apprehensively to his door and trying to compose herself, she knocked gently and was surprised to see Alice standing on the door step.

  The women looked at each other and she could see the pain on Alice’s face as she looked at her.

  ‘Alice,’ Maya said quietly. ‘Is your dad in?’

  ‘What do you want?’ Alice sharply answered.

  ‘I’d like to talk to your dad.’

  ‘Who is it?’ Tony asked and stopped when he saw her.

  She saw how his face turned into a cloud of anger.

  ‘Can I talk to you for a moment?’ Maya asked, looking at him as he frowned.

  ‘I don’t think now is a good time,’ he replied and looked away.

  ‘It’s really urgent,’ she said, feeling her inside knot up from the anguish going on in her body while her palms began to sweat at what she had to say.

  ‘Make it quick,’ he said. ‘Come in.’

  Father and daughter stood together as Maya closed the door.

  ‘Can I speak to you alone?’ Maya asked, knowing she was getting upset.

  ‘Whatever you have to say you can say it in front of Alice,’ he sharply replied.

  She noticed his eyes looked cold and angry.

  ‘I can’t have this conversation with Alice here,’ she gently replied.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere!’ snapped Alice. ‘First you got into bed with my boyfriend you’ll probably want to try it on with dad!’

  ‘I didn’t get into bed with your boyfriend,’ replied Maya calmly. ‘Adam and I had an arrangement and it was way before you got together with him.’

  ‘You’re carrying his fucking baby!’ screamed Alice as Tony held his daughter’s shoulders.

  ‘You better go,’ Tony said calmly. ‘You’re upsetting Alice.’

  ‘Alice,’ Maya said, trying to be as calm as possible but her head was starting to spin. ‘Adam told me about your set up, okay? Please don’t go playing the hurt card as I’m sure you haven’t told your father everything, have you?’

  She saw Alice’s anger change as she doubled blinked at Maya.

  ‘Leave me and my family alone,’ Alice sneered. ‘You’re such a bitch, you know that? You and Adam are made for each other. That lying bastard said he couldn’t have babies.’

  ‘Pardon?’ Tony said, shaking his head. ‘He told you that!’

  ‘He can’t that we know of,’ Maya calmly replied.

  ‘Why’s he making out he’s the father of your baby?’ Alice snapped.

  ‘He wanted to protect me,’ Maya gulped. ‘Can I speak to you Tony, in private?’

  He glared at her and shook his head as if he knew what she was going to say.

  ‘Just leave my home,’ he said abruptly. ‘You’re upsetting my daughter.’

  ‘I really need to speak to you,’ Maya persisted and felt tears run down her face. ‘It’s really urgent. I wouldn’t have-.’

  ‘I’ve got nothing to say to you. Would you please leave me and my daughter alone,’ he said and those words spoke volumes as Maya blinked her tears away and saw Alice’s look of con
fusion.

  ‘Why would you want to speak to my dad?’ Alice asked, looking at the pair of them and Maya knew she couldn’t say anything.

  ‘I wanted his advice on something. His help but it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

  ‘I can’t help you on anything Maya,’ Tony said, standing firmly. ‘And I don’t want to.’

  ‘I know,’ Maya said sadly and turned around. As she opened the door she wished she could tell him what hell she was going through but she knew he wouldn’t accept it as his responsibility. Maya stopped and turned. ‘I think you should go and see your GP.’

  She walked away, feeling alone as she started to sob down the road.

  Going into the off licence she bought a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin, two bottles of slim line tonic and some cheese and onion crisps. When she got home she made herself a large gin and tonic and cried as she drank it. It was all she could do to numb the pain with the hope her baby will sleep sooner than the appointed time of 9.30am on Monday morning.

  It was a haze as they left her in a side room to sign papers on the Monday morning consenting to what they intended to do. She didn’t know what to wear and they weren’t impressed she turned up alone.

  As she walked into the room a Chinese doctor examined the baby’s heart.

  ‘Why do you want to look at the heart if you think there’s a fault,’ Maya numbly asked.

  ‘We just need to look at something,’ Dr Priti replied.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Maya replied and everything seemed to be odd and surreal.

  ‘Do you mind if one of our students comes in?’ said Dr Priti. ‘Also there is another consultant who has joined us from KCH who will be coming in today to oversee what’s going on. Dr Wilson is tied up on another case.’

  Maya nodded and refused to look at the screen as she heard the Chinese man tell Dr Priti that the heart was fine. There was a sudden flash of hope then Maya remembered her child had Trisomy 18 so there was no hope at all.

  A woman walked in who was about in her middle 40’s, very petite but gave the impression she was running the show by the way she spoke and how she was acting. Dr Priti and the other woman were talking as the nurse sectioned off part of Maya’s tummy.