Pushing Over 40

by S M Mala

  She couldn’t speak.

  The reality of what was going on was too much.

  She let them prod and inject her then she watched how they looked at the scan. There were voices telling her that they would put a needle straight into the baby’s heart and it would be painless and sudden. Maya started to silently sob as the older woman started to graphically describe what she was going to do.

  Maya wished she could speak, wished she could tell her to shut the fuck up but she couldn’t.

  They prodded and pulled at her stomach as she lay there, staring at the ceiling.

  ‘Are you sure this is a good angle to insert the needle,’ the consultant said to Dr Priti who kept looking at Maya sympathetically. ‘I think this would be the better angle. We need to get straight to the baby’s heart.’

  She felt sick.

  This was all too real and horrible to deal with.

  They looked at the screen again and the needle was being inserted. Maya closed her eyes as they tugged her one way or the other and there was a very strong push as they inserted the needle through the baby’s heart.

  ‘There you go,’ the bitch insensitive woman said as Maya closed her eyes.

  She screamed.

  She sobbed.

  She cried out and the room fell silent. Momentarily she noticed the male student turn his head away to what he was witnessing.

  ‘You’re a brave girl,’ the consultant said and Maya wanted to tell her to fuck off for being so patronising and how she handled it with as much sensitivity as a slap in the face.

  But she couldn’t speak.

  There was no point.

  It was done.

  The tears weren’t stopping as a nurse held her hand. She didn’t want to see the screen and waited, lying still on the bed, feeling the tears drip down the side of her face into her ears.

  Dr Wilson came in and scanned her stomach after ten minutes.

  ‘It’s done,’ she said sadly and Maya cried some more as she felt her soul die at the same time as her baby.

  Then she felt a kick inside as if her baby was saying a last goodbye.

  Now

  Alcohol was supposed to numb her pain… it only heightened what Maya was feeling and she couldn’t cope.

  The shock was surprising, the grief… monumental and the trauma… she couldn’t shake it off.

  Then

  Maya wasn’t sure what she was feeling. She read the instructions given with the tablets she had to take. There would be some period like pain but she didn’t expect it to be so severe. Going back to bed she lay there knowing she was due at the hospital the following day.

  They told her the chances going into early labour were very rare.

  Then again so were the chances of her baby having Trisomy 18.

  Maya looked at the clock on her wall and started to count the pain.

  Then she realised they were contractions.

  In a panic she called the maternity ward.

  The receptionist told her to get there immediately but the pains were so severe she couldn’t drive. Clasping her phone she was stuck on who to call, who would help her?

  She searched for the number and dialled.

  ‘Help me,’ she said, starting to cry. ‘Please help me.’

  ‘What the fuck’s wrong?’ asked Adam.

  ‘I’m going into labour and I need someone to take me to the hospital.’

  ‘But you’re not-.’

  ‘Adam, please… I’m begging you.’

  In forty five minutes Adam had arrived and put her in the car, driving to the hospital. She explained what had happened as quickly as possible as he sat there in silence.

  Maya noticed he was shaking while holding really hard onto the steering wheel.

  He parked the car as gently as possible as she felt another contraction and tried to breathe through it but frankly had no idea what she was doing.

  ‘I’ll be okay now,’ she said, reaching for her roughly packed bag in the back seat. ‘You can go. Thank you.’

  ‘I’m not leaving you,’ Adam said quietly. ‘I can’t leave you.’

  ‘I’ll be fine.’

  ‘I’m going to come up with you. Just concentrate on breathing, okay.’

  Maya stepped out of the car and as she walked there were contractions. She tried to walk through them as Adam guided her down the path into the hospital. Maya wasn’t prepared to see happy pregnant mothers walking all around and the pain of what she was going through hit home as she tried to brace herself as another contraction came.

  They went up into the lift.

  ‘Nearly there,’ Adam said as Maya started to feel another swooping mass of pain in her back.

  Adam spoke to the two surly receptionists on the maternity ward who were obviously tired and had just quarrelled. They were shown to a room at the end of the corridor at 1.15pm. Maya took off her clothes and put on a gown with Adam’s help. Her body was paralysed as the pain got worse.

  ‘I can’t do this!’ she cried out. ‘I need drugs.’

  ‘Just wait,’ he calmly said.

  An African nurse came in and examined her.

  ‘Someone will be with you shortly,’ she said reassuringly.

  ‘I’m in so much pain,’ Maya said, bending down as the contraction ripped through her back it made her kick the bottom of the bed.

  ‘We can’t administer any drugs I’m afraid without a doctor,’ the woman gently replied and examined Maya’s pad. ‘We’re very busy today, I’m afraid.’

  They were left for another hour as she tried to cope with the pain. As Adam rang the buzzer nurse after nurse would come in to say they were waiting for the doctor or a midwife.

  Adam was getting frustrated as Maya writhed in pain.

  ‘This is shit!’ he yelled. ‘We’re being treated as if this isn’t important because the baby’s dead!’

  Maya looked up at him and his anger was disguising the fear which was visible in his eyes.

  ‘This is awful,’ she said, kicking the bottom of the bed with all her strength making the end vibrate before stopping.

  ‘I know, I know,’ he said, stroking her head.

  ‘Please don’t touch me,’ Maya sobbed. ‘I can’t be touched.’

  ‘Okay,’ he gently said, moving slightly away. ‘It’ll be okay.’

  ‘It won’t!’ Maya cried out. ‘It won’t!’

  Suddenly she felt angry. A rage was brewing inside her. When the next contraction came she kicked all her frustration out on the bottom of the bed again then screamed.

  ‘Can you get me some chocolate and fizzy water?’ she said, jumping up walking to her handbag, unsure of what she should be doing after waiting for hours to get medical attention. ‘I’ve got money.’

  ‘Sure I can,’ he said, standing up. ‘Are you going to be okay?’

  ‘Go Adam!’ she snapped and watched him walk out the door all the time looking at her. ‘They might pull their bloody fingers out and remember I’m shoved down the end of the corridor.’

  She stood holding to the side as another contraction took place and her waters broke. A small trickle started down her leg and she rushed to the toilet to get to her knickers and put in another pad.

  Still no pain relief arrived but Adam did with a small bag. Maya was now on the bed trying not to panic. She had to change her pad as Adam sat there watching her.

  The door opened and a small, angry looking woman with grey blonde hair walked in.

  ‘Okay, let’s take a look at you,’ she said, examining her. ‘There’s not much blood there.’

  ‘I just changed my pad.’

  ‘You’re a long way off.’

  ‘Can I get some pain relief?’

  ‘We’re extremely busy today and they’re concentrating on other cases, I’m afraid.’

  Maya noticed Adam glaring at the woman before looking at her.

  They both knew a dead baby wasn’t as precious as a live one.

  ‘I’ll be back in a moment,’ the mid
wife said, then walked out.

  ‘Fucking bitch,’ Adam hissed and it made Maya laugh to see him so wound up. ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘You,’ she smiled, before her body was paralysed with pain.

  A doctor eventually walked in and looked at her notes.

  ‘I’m sorry for what happened,’ she said sympathetically. ‘We’ve been busy today so we couldn’t get here earlier. I’ll get some painkillers to you now.’

  She examined Maya then walked out.

  The painkillers made her feel drowsy as she lay on the bed. Adam kept putting the buzzer near her but the nurses kept hooking it up, out of her reach.

  The contractions were just as painful but Maya was less upset about them then she felt something.

  ‘Something just happened,’ she said, feeling a shift inside.

  ‘Shall I get the midwife?’ Adam said, panicked.

  ‘No, I’m sure it’s fine. Could you take the change and get me some cheese and onion crisps?’

  ‘You haven’t eaten your chocolate?’

  ‘Please Adam,’ she said, closing her eyes. ‘I want some crisps.’

  He walked out again as she lay there on her side, seeing some sunshine from her room through the grey skies.

  There was another massive contraction but this time she felt something slip out of her and the curly length of the umbilical cord followed as it rushed out, pulling against her vagina.

  Maya screamed.

  She tried to reach out for the buzzer but in her position she couldn’t get hold of it.

  ‘Help me!’ she screamed. ‘Someone help me!’

  No one came.

  Too scared to look under the sheet, she knew her baby was there.

  It frightened her witless thinking her baby might be deformed but she couldn’t face seeing the child.

  It was too much.

  ‘Help me!’ she sobbed and waited. Adam came through the door holding her crisps. ‘Get the nurse, the baby’s come!’

  Adam looked shocked and ran out screaming for someone then two midwives came rushing in as Maya sobbed and Adam held her hand.

  ‘Don’t look Adam, please don’t look,’ she said as the nurses examined the baby. ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’

  ‘A little girl,’ the new midwife called Karen said.

  The other midwife, Marion, shook her head, the one that had been so dismissive and unhelpful.

  ‘I thought everything was fine,’ Marion said, looking away and Maya knew she had fucked up on something and glared at the woman.

  ‘Would you like to hold your baby,’ the younger midwife asked.

  ‘No,’ said Maya, still scared at not being able to look at the nurse holding something in her arms.

  She looked at Adam’s concerned expression and buried her head in the pillow and cried.

  ‘Okay,’ Karen said and the other midwife looked at her as they continued to deliver the placenta and Maya lay there in complete shock.

  An hour later Maya sat up in bed and felt euphoric as she looked at Adam. It was an adrenalin rush as she munched through her crisps.

  ‘I want to see my baby,’ she said to Adam still feeling scared but now having some inner strength.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he said, rubbing her arm.

  ‘I’m sure I can see her now. I’m ready.’

  She waited fifteen minutes for the baby to arrive.

  The midwife walked in cradling a blanket and laid the baby at her feet. Maya tried to pick her up but was shocked at the small size of her child and cried.

  There was nothing to be afraid of.

  She was a perfectly formed little baby and Maya sobbed at her own stupidity and weakness. Then she noticed the baby looked like Eadie and that hurt.

  ‘She’s so tiny,’ said Maya quietly as if not wanting to wake her. ‘I’m so sorry baby Eva Beau, I really am.’

  Her first instinct was to take a picture but she felt it was too painful to remember so she put the camera down and looked at her baby.

  Adam started to cry and touched the baby with his fingers. Maya couldn’t touch the skin or hold the baby. She stared at the baby seeing part of the whites of its eyes and how small she looked.

  She felt so sad at meeting her child like this and knew it would be the only ever time she’d look at a baby of her own. The midwife came into the room and Maya didn’t know what to do.

  ‘I love you,’ she said to her child.

  ‘Can I take her now?’ the midwife gently asked.

  ‘Yes,’ croaked Maya as she watched the woman walk away with her baby.

  ‘Goodbye,’ Maya said. ‘Sleep well baby Eva Beau.’

  She waited for a doctor to come and see her but it was about 10.30 before a man entered her room. Maya was polite when he excused that they had a busy day and she remembered saying that a dead baby wasn’t as important as a living one… but she couldn’t remember as by then there was nothing left to say, nothing to hold after what she had been put through that day.

  She walked out of hospital with Adam at midnight, knowing she couldn’t stand being in that place another minute. Not only had she lost her faith in the NHS system she had now lost her baby who was somewhere in the bowels of the place.

  As she stepped out of the hospital, she was carrying nothing in her arms or in her body.

  When she got home she sat on the sofa, still numb after what had happened then cried and cried.

  There was no pain like it.

  Her loss was inconceivable and incontrollable.

  She gathered every memento of the existence of her baby… but there was hardly anything. It’s as if she hadn’t existed at all.

  Now and the reality

  Adam walked into the crematorium with the small white coffin in his arms and Maya collapsed in tears on seeing him. Her eyes were blighted by tears and the sobs echoed around the small room as the doors were shut.

  He lay the coffin down while Maya walked towards it and put a small teddy bear on top that she had since she was a child.

  ‘I’ve written something,’ he said and she didn’t know what was going on as she took a photo of the coffin as it would be the last time she’d be close to her baby.

  Adam cleared his throat and read.

  ‘You were only here for a short space of time

  But it feels like forever we will hold you in our arms

  Our love for you will always be strong

  And the space you leave behind in our hearts

  Will never be filled

  We love you.’

  Maya stood there and sobbed as the tears fell down her cheeks and Adam looked at her teary eyed. He moved closer and put his arms around her as she buried herself once again into his chest and cried.

  ‘This must be very annoying for you,’ she said, blowing her nose loudly and wiping her tears away as they sat in the pub an hour later.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Me? Crying all the time?’

  ‘I don’t mind,’ he smiled tiredly. ‘Mind you, you’re ruining my clothing with your tracks of snot everywhere.’

  Maya laughed.

  ‘I don’t know why, but I feel a bit relieved she has been laid to rest,’ she quietly said, looking at his unshaven face and tired eyes. ‘I know I keep saying it but you have been amazing this week. I never thought that-.’

  ‘… I would have any feelings considering I tried to trick you out of a few grand?’ he replied and looked at her.

  ‘You constantly surprise me,’ she smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Maya looked around at the Christmas decorations and felt suddenly sad. ‘This is a time of celebration but I don’t have it in me.’

  ‘I know how you feel,’ Adam sighed. ‘I’ve got a flight to catch on Christmas Eve of all days. I couldn’t get an earlier flight and I know I’ll be arriving when they’re all pissed as farts.’

  ‘You need a break,’ she quietly replied. ‘You’ve been very supportive and I’ve taken enough of your time.’

  ‘Listen,’ he sai
d, letting her go. ‘I’m here for you, you know. I know I’m a dickhead but I couldn’t let you go through this on your own. Harry and Dee were being, mind my language, fucking shits. I know you didn’t want to stress out Shona and the probable father is shacked up with some new woman. All you had was me.’

  ‘And I’m very, very lucky for that,’ she said and gave him a hug.

  ‘What now for you?’ he said, pushing her back and holding her shoulders.

  ‘I’ll have to face the wall of pain and see where I go from there. I’ve taken time off work and I’ll go back in after the New Year because they’re closing down for the break. It’s time to think about what happened,’ she said and closed her eyes.

  ‘Are you going to try for another baby?’

  ‘I don’t know if I can go through this again. It’s too hard and I never thought it would happen to me… to someone else, yes, but not to me. I’ve also realised I’m not good enough to run the website. There’s so much more that …’ She sat in silence for a moment. ‘I’ve been reading the bereavement sections and I can’t really comfort those women.’

  Maya took a deep breath and sighed.

  ‘You love that website, it gave you hope and-.’

  ‘Hope? Why give the women false hopes? They’ve got a small chance of conceiving and a higher chance of having a child with a chromosome abnormality or miscarriage and here am I, willing them on with a good chance they’ll go through something similar. I can’t tell them how I feel.’

  ‘Why don’t you? Tell them what happened, write it all down and then everyone will have an idea.’

  ‘I don’t want to scare them.’

  ‘I don’t understand you,’ he said, putting his hands in the air. ‘You deep down know what happened was out of the blue.’

  ‘But why me?’

  ‘Why not?’ he said, going back to the Adam she knew so well. ‘Life is shit and not everyone can come out of it unscathed.’

  ‘It has put many things in perspective for me. The people I thought who were there for me aren’t and that I won’t forgive.’

  ‘You mean Harry and Dee?’ Adam looked away then turned to face her. ‘You know when I told them, they were saying things like you should be grateful for what you had and I got the impression they were thinking because of your age-.’