by Deanna Hall
Mia stared at the floor, unwilling to make eye contact. “I guess it’s me. That’s what everyone keeps telling me anyway. As you can see, I’m alive and well. I’m exactly where I want to be, with my real family and pack. If you are all satisfied, Dakota and I will leave you to your conversation.”
When CJ stepped towards Miakoda, she backed up, turning to hide her face against my chest, as she clung to me. CJ stopped, standing very still. He looked stricken. The depths of his torment was immense.
He fell to his knees, bowing his head. “Mia, I know you don’t remember me. I just… I need you to know how sorry I am. I promised to protect you, to take care of you, and you almost died because of me. I let you down so many times. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I just need you to believe me when I tell you how truly, deeply sorry I am for letting you down.”
I watched as the intensity of his agony hit Miakoda. I could feel she was torn between her desire to run away from them all and her need to comfort a spirit in pain. Finally, her spirit healer nature won out. She turned back, kneeling in front of Chase.
Tears were falling from her eyes. “I’m sorry you are in so much pain because of me.” She took his hands in hers. As soon as she did, I watched his spirit crash into hers like a lost soul who’d found its way home. Her eyes widened. Recognition filled them. So did love. “CJ?”
Chase looked up through his tears. “Mia? You remember me?”
Suddenly she was in his arms, and they were both crying. Peter knelt next to them. “Mia, do you remember me too?” He reached out, touching her shoulder. As soon as he made physical contact, his spirit poured into hers as well.
When she looked up into Peters's eyes, I saw the same love for him that she had for CJ fill her eyes. “Of course, I remember you.” She answered, giving him a brilliant smile. The same smile Miakoda always reserved for me. I watched their spirits dance in and out of each other, glowing brightly. Brighter than I’d ever seen her spirit glow. It was more than I could take. I left.
As soon as I hit the edge of the woods, I changed and ran. My worst fears had come true. Eventually, I stopped, howling in despair. How could I live without Miakoda? I should never have talked her into seeing them. If I’d just gone with the plan, let her talk to the alpha, then get on with our lives, things would have been fine. No, I had to push her. I’d brought this on myself.
I heard an animal crashing through the forest behind me. I figured my father or mother had come after me. They would be worried about me. To my surprise, it was Miakoda. She stopped before approaching slowly. “Shouldn’t you be with CJ and Peter?” Even in my mind, the words sounded bitter.
Miakoda stopped her approach again. “You were the one who forced me to face them, Kotah.”
“Don’t you think I know that! I guess I hoped you wouldn’t remember them or you didn’t really love them. It was very evident you do.” I know my thoughts came through sounding harsh and angry. I was angry but at myself, not Miakoda.
“Yes, I do, but you were the one I wanted. I love you like no other, Kotah. You said you’d love me no matter what, yet I knew this would happen. I knew being Mia again would change everything.
I understand how you feel. Why would you want to be with someone who’s heart you’d have to share? I can’t help it if they hold a part of my heart, Dakota, it wasn’t my choice. None of this was.
For what it’s worth, now that I remember my life, I know for sure the best part of it was the time I spent with you. If you knew how empty it’s been since my parents died, you would understand what an extraordinary time this has been for me.
Thank you for that. I’ll cherish the time we spent together for as long as I live. Anyway, before I left, I just wanted to say good-bye. I’ll always love you. Dakota. May the Great Spirit watch over you and bring you the happiness you deserve.” As she turned to leave, Miakoda added, “I almost got my happy ever after; I hope you find yours someday. Good-bye, Dakota.”
I felt like my heart had been crushed. Good-bye kept resounding in my head. I couldn’t think or breathe. Good-bye, she’d said good-bye. She was leaving. My mind kept struggling to remember what else she’d said. She’d said she loved me. That it was me she’d wanted.
Then it hit me. Miakoda thought I didn’t want her anymore because she loved CJ and Peter. I’d left, after telling her I never would. Shit! I was so busy feeling sorry for myself I hadn’t been listening. I looked around for Miakoda. She wasn’t even in sight. Just like that, she was gone.
Miakoda was so damn fast. No wonder they couldn’t find her when she took off. I ran for home as fast as I could. I had to tell her I loved her and that I didn’t want her to go. Hell, I needed her for my very survival. By the time I got back to the house, Miakoda was climbing into their truck, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Donnie was clinging to my mom with his face hidden against her shoulder, while his shoulders shook. My tough little brother was crying. I shifted on the run, pulling my jeans on as I went. “Nuttah, don’t leave me,” I yelled.
Miakoda turned around, looking in my direction. Her beautiful eyes were sparkling from her tears. I stopped in my tracks, taking a deep breath. I was scared to death. Would she choose them or me? “What did you say?” She called back.
“I said, don’t leave me. Miakoda, please don’t leave me.” I yelled back. I saw her face light up. When she started running towards me, I started running again. We crashed into each other. Wrapping her in my arms, I spun her around.
“I thought you didn’t want me,” Miakoda told me.
“I thought you’d choose one of them.”
I kissed her soundly before putting her back on her feet. We started towards the house with our arms around each other. CJ and Peter were standing there looking defeated. Miakoda clung tightly to my hand. “I’m sorry, CJ, Peter. I can’t let him go. He brought me back to this life when I was ready to let go forever. He’s brought me nothing but happiness. CJ, you have a wife and child on the way. There is no room in your life for me.”
Peter spoke up, “What about me, Mia? I love you. Life has been hell without you. I’m sorry I fought with CJ. I was scared you would change your mind about marrying me and choose him.”
Then Chase added, “Actually, I’m not married anymore. We had it annulled. Without you, even knowing you’re alive, my life is worth nothing.”
Miakoda’s face fell. “This is why I didn’t want to be Mia; she loved two boys. Now she loves three. I don’t want to hurt any of you. I can’t, I can’t do this. Miakoda was just yours, Dakota.” She was sobbing now.
“Can you guys give us a minute?” They nodded as I led Miakoda to the trailer.
“Miakoda, I love you, and I plan on marrying you in two days if you still want to marry me, but you haven’t been completely happy with me, or you wouldn’t have been searching for them in your dreams.
I watched your spirit glow with happiness when you touched Chase and Peter. My mother was right. They fill gaps in your spirit I can’t fill. Nuttah, I love you more than life itself, yet if I’m not the one your spirit needs to complete you, then I will have to accept that. You need to search your soul and decide who it is you need the most.”
Miakoda shook her head no. “Choosing is like trying to decide which part of my body to cut off. It’s too hard. Hurting them is like sticking a knife in my own heart and twisting it.”
Mia hid her face in her hands. “I remember everything now. I was twelve when Jackson came and killed my parents in front of me. I lived on the streets for a while. Then I found four sisters. We had sort of adopted each other. After Alli died, I lived in the forest alone for years. I didn’t want to lose anyone else ever again.
CJ found me, protected me, and gave me a home. Peter filled my life with laughter, for the first time since my parents died. I repaid their love by coming between them.
The last time they fought over me, I thought they would kill each other. I begged them to stop. When they didn’t, I ran. If I wasn
’t there, I couldn’t hurt them anymore. Then you found me. Being your Miakoda made me happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
You’re Miakoda’s world. Only she wasn’t real; neither was her perfect life. My real life has been anything but perfect. I don’t know if I have it in me to hurt either of them more than I already have. CJ and Peter’s spirits are raw and damaged, as I’m sure you’ve seen, because of me. Knowing I’m causing all of you, this kind of trouble again is killing me. Why did you call me back, Dakota? You should have let me die.”
“Miakoda, please don’t say that.” I pleaded.
“I’m Mia, just Mia. For three wonderful months, I thought I was another person. Except I was Mia all along. A damaged, useless human being who has so much hurt and anger inside, she leaves a trail of anguish behind her where ever she goes. Leave Kotah. You’re better off without me. I’ll only destroy your life.”
“Miakoda, please don’t push me away.”
“Go, Kotah! I need to be alone. I need to think. I’ll be out in a few minutes to give you all my answer.”
“Mia…”
“Just go.”
She turned away from me. When I tried to pull her into my arms, she jerked away, so I left.
Despair
Mia
Isat there for a while, debating my options. As much as I loved and cared for Peter and CJ, they felt like they belong to a different life. One I now remember even though it didn’t feel real yet. Dakota was the person Miakoda’s heart cried out for. Heck, he was the person my soul cried out for, too.
Meanwhile, I was still getting used to being Mia again after being deliriously happy with Dakota and his family. The problem was if I chose what her heart wanted, it would destroy two other people who meant the world to me.
I couldn’t forget the forlorn, miserable spirit I’d felt in the forest that night. Knowing it was CJ who had been broken enough to kill himself because of me was unbearable.
My presence had once again brought misery to people who deserved nothing but happiness. There was only one choice I could make, even though it cut me to my very core.
I washed my face, packed my few belongings into a plastic bag, and walked outside. I knew what I had to do. I should have known happiness would always be beyond my reach. Sure, I loved them all. I also knew who I wanted to be with. The problem was the cost of my happiness was too high. Better to let them all go. They were all standing by CJ’s truck talking when I opened the trailer door.
All eyes turned to me. Wrapping my arms around myself, trying desperately to hold myself together, I told myself I could do this. This was best for everyone. Better a quick break then prolonging the agony.
I held my head up, facing them. “I’ve made my decision. Since I came into your lives, I’ve brought nothing but heartache. I never meant to. It’s like when Jackson killed my family and spared me; he turned me into a harbinger of misery. I can’t seem to break its curse, even by dying. All I can do is put an end to it once and for all.
The truth is, I love you all. I am neither willing nor capable of hurting anyone of you for my own happiness; the price is too high. Therefore, I’m choosing to be alone. I am going to stay with my great uncle for tonight. I promised him I would attend the festival tomorrow. After that, I’m leaving for good.
I promise I won’t run off or do anything stupid like I did last time. Just the same, you all need to move on, and that won’t happen if I’m still a part of your lives.”
“Miakoda, don’t do this. Please, I’m begging you.” The anguish I could feel in Dakota almost destroyed my resolve. If CJ and Peter hadn’t looked just as stricken, it would have.
Laying my hand against Dakota’s cheek, I explained, “Miakoda was a dream, Kotah, she wasn’t real. She was a clean slate that you turned into a sweet, loving girl. I suspect you wouldn’t like the real me much. Go back to school. Make all our dreams come true. You’re going to be the best Vet ever.”
My throat was constricting as I struggled to hold back the tears. “Peter, CJ, go home and have a life. CJ, I get that don’t want to be with Penny, I don’t blame you. However, you are going to have a child, a daughter. She’s yours, I felt it in her spirit. Let her heal the damage I caused.
Peter, you have so much to offer the world. Make other people as happy as you made me until you find your own happiness again. One day the right girl will just sneak up on you. When she does hold onto her with both hands and never let her go, make sure she is someone who enjoys your sense of humor. Then let her win at Call of Duty at least once in a while.
You all know I’m alright now, and you know I can take care of myself. You can move on. I love you all so much. I hope someday you can all forgive me for the misery I brought into your lives, and you’ll remember the good times we shared. I know I will think about them every day for the rest of my life.”
When Peter started to argue until I held up my hand. “My decision is made. You won’t talk me out of it. I am unable to make a choice that will cause any of you more pain than I already have. That’s something I am simply incapable of doing, period. I have no other choice but to let you all go.
Linda, Adam, I can never thank you enough for saving me and giving me a home. Paul, Chase you either. Chase, please tell Beth, thank you for me. I’ll never forget any of you, well not again anyway. I’m so, so terribly sorry for the heartache I brought all your families. It’s poor repayment the love you’ve all shown me.”
Donnie spoke up, “Miakoda, please don’t go away. I love you. Dakota stole you away from me; then, he was going to make you my sister, at least.”
It was my undoing. I was crying and hugging Donnie. “I love you so much, Donnie. I love you all more than anything in this world.” I pulled out of his arms. I had to leave before I couldn’t. “I have to go.” I turned away from them all, walking swiftly down the driveway.
Linda sounded angry when she said, “No, boys, let her go. None of you seem to care what Miakoda needs. All you seem concerned with is your own selfish desires. I think you’ve done enough damage already.”
After I walked about a mile, I figured it was safe to fall apart. I sat down on the side of the dirt road, crying my heart out. A car pulled up; it was Linda. “Want a ride, Dearheart? It’s a long walk to your uncles’.”
“Are you going to try and talk me out of this?” I asked.
“No. To be honest, Miakoda, I think you’re right. You are incapable of making this decision. A spirit healer heals pain. Causing it is contrary to everything you are. I just want to talk.” I climbed into the car.
“Might I ask who your choice would have been?”
I stared at my hands in my lap. “Do you really have to ask? Dakota is, was Miakoda’s whole world. My past didn’t exist, leaving us nothing other than happiness to share. Since I still feel like her for the most part, Dakota would be my choice. I love him so much it hurts. You already knew that, didn’t you?”
“I thought as much, yes. Two more days and everything would have ended differently. You and Dakota would have been married. The choice would have been made. Fate is a cruel Mistress sometimes.”
“Tell me about it. I think she’s had in for me since I was born. Linda, you’re a spirit walker; I know you saw the agony CJ and Peter’s spirits. How could I ever be happy with Dakota knowing my happiness was the cause of that? Every choice I make hurts someone, even now, when I’m trying to do the right thing, I’m hurting them.
Besides, what I said was true, Dakota loved Miakoda. She was a happy, innocent girl. I’m not her. I’m jaded, bitter, and full of hate for my grandfather. Dakota deserves much better than me. They all do.”
“What about you, Miakoda? Don’t you think you deserve better than what you’ve had?”
“No. I deserve to be alone. The pain I brought your family alone is proof of that.”
“Miakoda, you didn’t bring us pain. We loved every minute you were with us.”
Did she genuinely mean that, or was she just
trying to make me feel better? “Will they be alright, Linda?”
“You were a part of their lives only for a brief time, and they are very young. They should survive this and get over this eventually. In time they will find others to ease their loss.”
Knowing CJ and Peter could eventually find happiness was somewhat comforting despite the pang of jealously I felt. The thought of Dakota with someone else cut me to my very soul. I swiped at the tears that threatened again. “I’ll never stop loving or missing him or any of them: my protector, my joy, and my passion. God, I hate myself. How could I let this happen?”
“Miakoda, as a spirit healer, your spirit reached out to the people who had what it needed to heal itself. Your spirit was, is once again, very broken. In order for you to help others, it needs to be healthy and whole. CJ probably would have been enough for you if he hadn’t done more damage to your spirit with Penny.
Peter is such a sweet boy, so full of life; it’s no wonder you were drawn to him. If the boys could have handled their jealousy, you and Peter would have been very happy together. But they have gaps in their spirits from their losses. Because of their insecurities, the thought of losing you was too much for them.
Dakota is a strong, protective, happy young man, with an undamaged spirit that filled all the gaps except for the ones you locked away to protect yourself. In time I think he would have filled them all.”
We were almost at my great uncle’s. Linda pulled in the driveway. She leaned over, hugging me. “I love you, Dearheart. No matter what the future brings, that won’t change. Fate stepped in for a reason. There is something else needed of you. Regardless of what fate has in store for you, you deserve to be happy, Miakoda. Never forget that.
Despite all the horror in your life, you’re a giving, caring person with a beautiful spirit. Promise me where ever you end up, you’ll stay in touch so that I won’t worry about you. It can be just between us.”
I clung to her for a few seconds, unable to speak. “I promise. I love you too, Linda.” I got out of the car and walk to my uncle’s door. My great uncle greeted me warmly, no questions asked. I was very grateful.