Capturing Forever

by Erin Dutton

  “It’s clear exactly what you needed.”

  “No, I—”

  “Please don’t insult me.”

  “Marti is—she’s a friend.” Friend was probably a stretch.

  “So, you’ve never slept with her?”

  She blushed and looked away. She wasn’t ashamed of her behavior. She’d always owned the truth about her relationships. But laying it all out before Casey made her feel embarrassed about what that truth said about her.

  “How many times when we were together did you call and say you were sorry but you wouldn’t be home that night after all?”

  Jacqueline gave a short nod. “More times than I should have. But I wasn’t cheating on you. I never—”

  “I know. But it didn’t seem to bother you much when you couldn’t come home either.”

  “What was I supposed to do, Casey? This is my job. Was I supposed to quit so I could stay home and live a fairy tale with you and Sean? I’d be sacrificing everything I’ve worked for since college. That’s not realistic.”

  “You don’t think I gave things up? You talk about college as if you were the only one there with dreams. God, when I think about that girl I was then—I had plans, too, you know. I was creative and—and imaginative and—”

  “You were good—you are—an amazing photographer. I’ve always told you that.”

  “Taking portraits—was not my dream, Jacq. But life happens. I made sacrifices, for Sean and for us.” Casey’s college aspirations to travel, then exhibit photographs of her trips seemed so far away. They’d been only twenty-five when they adopted Sean, and she’d just been getting started making a name for herself.

  “Sean is grown now, maybe you could—”

  “You don’t get it. Sean became my dream. My priorities changed when he came into our lives. I know I could have tried to have it all, lots of women do, but I made my choice. Maybe someday I’ll venture into a new aspect of my career, but even if I never accomplish anything more, I don’t regret it.”

  “So, I’m a heartless bitch because I didn’t sideline my career?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “But it’s what you think. Have you forgotten who was bringing home the paychecks while you were getting your business going?”

  “Jacq—”

  “I refuse to let you make me feel guilty for providing for my family. Do you think I don’t know what I missed out on while I was sitting in all those hotel rooms?” What I’m still missing.

  “Well, apparently, you’re making up for it with your hotel-room activities now,” Casey snapped.

  “I didn’t have sex with Marti that night.” She chose to ignore the reference to any other nights before then.

  “That is so not the point. I’m not trying to tell you who you can and can’t sleep with.”

  “Then exactly what are you trying to do?”

  Casey shook her head—almost absently—the way she did when she was about to shut down emotionally.

  “What?” Jacqueline prompted, desperate to get through before Casey’s walls came up.

  “Forget it.”

  She stepped closer and raised her voice, trying to change Casey’s course. “What the hell did you want from me?”

  “I wanted you to want me,” Casey shouted back. Her purse hit the floor and she covered her mouth with a trembling hand. She cleared her throat and went on, softer now. “Back then, I wanted you to want to come home. So badly, that you would drive through your exhaustion just to not be away from us for one more night.”

  Jacqueline stared at her, unable to formulate a single response to that heartbreaking statement. Casey’s face flushed and tears filled her eyes.

  Casey began talking again, as if trying to find a route away from the tension filling the space between them. “I know it wasn’t realistic, or safe even. You could have fallen asleep at the wheel and had an accident, and I wouldn’t have wanted—”

  Jacqueline surged forward, until she’d physically erased the space between them. She cradled Casey’s face in her hands and took her mouth in an aggressive kiss. Casey sagged against her, responsive at once, her tongue meeting Jacqueline’s in a rhythm they’d perfected two decades ago. She slipped her hands to Casey’s neck, gentling her touch against the soft skin and the feather-light ends of her hair. The feel of Casey’s lips moving against hers exploded against her every nerve ending, bathing her in the taste, texture, and scent of Casey.

  Before she could figure out how this could be both a familiar kiss and a first kiss at once, Casey’s hands pushed against her chest, weakly at first, then stronger until she broke the connection.

  “What are you doing?” Casey backed up until she hit the wall behind her. She held two fingers against her lips, and Jacqueline recognized the haze of arousal in her eyes.

  “Oh God, I’m sorry.” Jacqueline sucked in a quick breath, unable to get enough oxygen to recover.

  “Damn it, Jacq.”

  “I know.”

  “You can’t just—”

  “I know. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t stop pushing you, and then—I didn’t think. I just couldn’t think.” She’d been swamped with the need to erase past pain and felt helpless to do so.

  “I should go.”

  Jacqueline nodded and bent to pick up Casey’s purse at the same moment Casey did. They nearly butted heads, and their hands clashed on the handle. Casey jerked it away, pulled open the door, and practically fell through it.

  Jacqueline caught the door as it swung open and slowly closed it behind her. With her hand still on the doorknob, she rested her forehead against the door. She’d meant to apologize and erase the uneasiness between them. But she’d only made things worse. Casey had kissed her back—she’d responded almost immediately. And she’d probably beat herself up over that. She was the most loyal person Jacqueline knew, and she’d feel guilty. Hell, she might even confess to Nina. “Shit.”

  “You okay, Jacq?” Her father stood in the doorway from the kitchen.

  “Yeah. I’m good.” She didn’t ask him how long he’d been there.

  “Casey left?”

  “Yep.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She laughed, a harsh bark that hurt her throat. “Not really.”

  “What’s going on with you two?”

  “Nothing.” She turned and rested against the door, staring at him across the room.

  “I should pretend I couldn’t hear you shouting from outside?”

  “If you don’t mind.”

  “I can’t help but feel like I’m adding to the stress between you.” He eased into his favorite chair, moving a little stiffly, and gestured to the couch.

  “It’s not about you.” She perched on the edge of the couch, bracing her elbows on her widespread knees.

  “You’ve managed to be civil for years until recently.”

  “Maybe that’s been the problem. We’ve stopped being civil. But you aren’t making it harder. If anything, looking out for you has kept us from totally losing it. Until today, I guess.”

  “What happened?”

  “Some old issues. Some new.” Jacqueline stared at the floor between her feet. “This carpet needs to be replaced. Have you ever thought about hardwoods in here?”

  “Like I need another reason to slip and fall.”

  “Good point.” She smiled. “Do you think she’s happy with Nina?” She didn’t look up, unable to handle it if he looked at her with pity in his eyes.

  “You know, this kind of stuff was always your mother’s department.”

  She nodded, swallowing tears. “I know.”

  “She loved Casey. She once said she’d never seen you happier. After you split up, she didn’t think you’d ever give your heart to anyone like that again.”

  “She was right.”

  “Be careful, baby.”

  She raised her head and found his eyes as wet as hers.

  “That’s what she’d s
ay if she were here.” He looked at the framed photograph on the bookcase in the corner. In it, a ten-year old Jacqueline was squished in between her parents. They’d been on vacation in Myrtle Beach.

  “Yes. That sounds like her.” Jacqueline stretched across the space between them and squeezed his forearm. He covered her hand with his. At moments like these she could convince herself that his signs of confusion were not aging but rather her imagination.

  She could get lost in staring at that photo and wishing that she and Casey had what her parents had had. She could wallow in the fact that she’d never have the happily-ever-after they’d had. But she didn’t think she could stand to watch Casey find it with Nina or anyone else. If that meant distancing herself from Casey, she’d find a way to do it.

  *

  “…for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

  Casey watched through the viewfinder of her Nikon as the two women standing under the arbor stated their vows. She snapped a series of shots as each of them slid a ring on the other’s finger. She lifted her head long enough to confirm that Sean was at the other end of the aisle capturing another angle.

  As the couple shared their first kiss, then joined hands and turned toward their guests, their smiles radiated pure joy. They made their way down the aisle, which was barely wide enough for them anymore as their friends and family crushed in around them. She didn’t follow them, trusting Sean to get the necessary images. She didn’t want him to worry about keeping her out of the periphery of his frame.

  Casey had photographed enough weddings to do the ceremony almost on autopilot. And this wasn’t even her first same-sex wedding since the federal law had changed. But for some reason, hearing their laughter and witnessing their happiness and the celebration of their guests made her throat ache with the effort of containing her own emotions. After taking several pictures of the retreating couple, she lowered her camera and realized she now stood close to the arbor herself.

  For a long time, a wedding hadn’t been in Casey’s plans. And she had a ready-list of reasons why. She didn’t need a piece of paper. She wouldn’t do it until it was legal in Tennessee. Weddings weren’t magical for her. They were work. If pressed, now that it was legal, she would concede that maybe someday she’d be married, but she didn’t need more than a courthouse ceremony.

  But today, she envied the happy couple. They clearly loved each other to the exclusion of all else. And no matter what else happened to them in life, they would have this day, when everything could be as simple as two words: I do.

  As the ceremony gave way to the reception, Casey captured the shots all couples desired, cutting the cake, the first dance, two separate father/daughter moments. She also managed to get a number of photos of family and friends and some candid moments of the brides together. They were beautiful, the venue was gorgeous, and the lighting was perfect. She wouldn’t be bogged down with tons of extra editing on this one.

  Casey took a break to congratulate the brides, eat the small piece of cake they foisted upon her, and chat with the mother of one of the women, who had been a persistent presence during the planning. She looked up at one point and saw the brides dancing together, and the love between them left her breathless. As she shifted her gaze away, she met Sean’s eyes across the room. He stared at her as if trying to solve a puzzle. His attention shifted to the two women, then back to her. Then he raised his camera and panned back to the dance floor.

  Casey looked down at her own camera and pretended she was fiddling with some settings. Hopefully, Sean had gotten the shot she’d been too distracted to focus on. She knew she was romanticizing the scene before her. They were a real couple who likely had their issues just like everyone else. But today the complications in Casey’s life felt enormous in comparison. She touched her fingertips to her lips. She had kissed Jacqueline countless times in so many ways in her life. And that, she told herself, was why even now, a day later, she could still feel the pressure of Jacqueline’s lips against hers. Her body didn’t need much urging to recall the imprint of years spent with Jacqueline.

  She hadn’t stopped the kiss right away. And, honestly, she hadn’t really wanted to stop it when she did. The guilt of that lapse weighed heavily in her chest. They’d gotten caught up in a moment, lost themselves to the charge of emotions. It wasn’t as if it had never happened before. But not since she’d been seeing Nina. If not for Nina, Casey could have chalked the kiss up to a momentary indiscretion. She would need to avoid being alone with Jacqueline until she had her reactions under control, but they could get past it.

  But now, she grappled with whether she needed to confess. Nina would be hurt. Was it worth assuaging her own guilt, given that she and Nina had experienced their own tensions lately? Nina already resented the time she spent with the Knight family, and telling her about this kiss would only make things worse. She didn’t think she would come clean, and that worried her. If she could bury this transgression, what did that say about her future with Nina?

  *

  “Jacqueline Knight.” Jacqueline answered her cell phone without looking at the display. She’d been fielding calls all day from employees with questions about the new insurance plans. She didn’t mind explaining the various components, even when the calls came from employees in centers where she’d already conducted education.

  Owen’s baritone vibrated through the phone. “I’m looking over your report from Knoxville, but I don’t see the P&C letter. Would you email that to me?”

  Jacqueline opened her file on the Lena Blackstone investigation and scanned through the documents. “Owen, can I call you right back?” She waited only long enough for him to acknowledge her before she disconnected.

  She hadn’t included the privileged and confidential letter in her email to Owen because she didn’t have one. More specifically, she hadn’t obtained one. Usually, when she received a complaint, she first emailed the legal department so they could draft a P&C letter and open a case on it. The document, sent by a company attorney, contained a bunch of legalese that declared any work-product generated from that point forward in the course of the investigation to be confidential due to the attorney-client relationship. In the case of future litigation, the fact that they’d opened an investigation would be discoverable by the other side, but the company could not be compelled to turn over any paperwork, emails, interviews, or anything else associated with the investigation.

  Lena Blackstone had called her while she was in Atlanta. She remembered thinking that she needed to notify legal, then putting it off to go meet Marti. Somewhere in the middle of her failed liaison with Marti and the disagreement with Casey, she’d completely forgotten to send that email.

  “Shit.” She picked up her office phone, and dialed Owen’s number. She didn’t see any point in delaying the inevitable. When he answered she blurted out her admission. “I didn’t get a P&C letter. It was a complete oversight on my part and I don’t have an explanation—not a good one, anyway.”

  He sighed. “Jacqueline—”

  “I screwed up. Do you want me to call legal?” She copied both Owen and the legal department on her final report and was actually surprised she hadn’t received a call from someone over there first.

  “I’ll take care of it. They’ll probably want to talk to you later.”

  “Sure.”

  “This could be a big deal, Jacqueline. This case was unfounded, but if it hadn’t been—if a lawsuit was filed, we’d have to hand everything over to the plaintiff.”

  “I know.” She cut off the rest of her response—I’m not an idiot—because, clearly, she was. He was within his right to talk to her like an unseasoned intern, since she’d acted like one.

  “I’ll call you back after I’ve talked to legal.”

  She hung up and dropped her head onto her desk, not even bothering to cushion the blow with her arm. If this was the shape of her Monday, the
rest of the week could only get better. She couldn’t even fix her mistake. Since she’d already completed the investigation, she’d gain nothing from getting the letter now. Only the work done after the dated letter was protected.

  As screwups went, this one shouldn’t cost the company in the long run. But Owen didn’t like mistakes. She didn’t either, even more so since she’d made this one because she’d been distracted by her personal life. Legal wouldn’t recommend more than a stern lecture, but she’d just have to wait and see how Owen weighed the situation.

  Chapter Twelve

  “How did I let you talk me into this,” Kendra said for the fourth time in the two blocks since they’d left the house.

  “You’re a good friend.” Jacqueline glanced at Kendra. For someone who professed to hate exercise, she’d thrown together a well-coordinated outfit. Her neon-pink T-shirt matched the stripe down each leg of her capri-length spandex pants. She even had pink laces and a brand insignia on her cross-trainers.

  “I’m so damn out of shape.” With Kendra’s long legs, she had no problem keeping up with Jacqueline’s pace.

  “I needed this. It’s been a hell of a week,” Jacqueline said.

  “What happened?”

  Without going into too much detail, she filled Kendra in on her screwup at work. She’d heard back from Owen within two days. He’d made it clear that a critical letter in her file could keep her from moving up in the company and that he’d done her a favor by not taking her disciplinary action to that level. He didn’t want to waste all of the time he’d spent grooming her over one mistake. But he’d told her this was a one-time pass from him.

  “So you’re supposed to feel beholden to him?”

  “Beholden?” Jacqueline laughed. “I wouldn’t have put it exactly that way, but yes, I guess so.”

  “That’s bullshit. Was this really a big deal?”