Capturing Forever

by Erin Dutton

  “I should go.” Jacqueline brushed past her.

  “Wait. Let’s talk about this.” Casey grimaced as the words came out. She didn’t want to talk about it any more than Jacqueline did. But if Jacqueline felt half as torn apart by Sean’s words as Casey did, she didn’t want to let her go, alone and upset.

  “I can’t, Casey,” Jacqueline said, halfway to the front door.

  “Of course not.” Jacqueline’s predictable reaction—flight—had always angered her. She’d never been able to get over the sense of rejection at knowing that when she was hurting, Jacqueline wanted to be anywhere but with her.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Forget it.” Casey turned toward the kitchen. She should let Jacqueline go, but she couldn’t watch her leave.

  “What did you say?” Jacqueline came back across the room, now following Casey.

  “You haven’t changed. You still want to walk away when things get hard.” Casey had struck low and dirty with that one, but she couldn’t help herself.

  Sean’s bedroom door opened, and he strode down the hall carrying his backpack. He kept his head down, but the fringe of his hair didn’t hide his red eyes and flushed cheeks.

  “Sean, hey, I wanted to talk to you about—”

  “Not now, Mama. I’m going to meet some friends.” He didn’t quite carry off a casual tone, but the message was clear.

  When the door closed behind him, Jacqueline glared at Casey. “Go ahead, say it.” She jabbed a finger toward the door. “That’s my fault, too.”

  Casey sighed and sat down on the couch. Moments ago she’d been itching for a confrontation with Jacqueline. Arguing with Jacqueline felt much more comfortable than the other emotions she’d been experiencing around her lately. Anger, she could handle. Compassion, tenderness, arousal—they were more difficult.

  “We had to give her back.”

  Jacqueline’s tortured words sent a bolt of agony through Casey’s chest. Her response was a machine gun of clipped words because she didn’t have the breath for more. “I was there.”

  Jacqueline shook her head and continued talking. “The social worker took her from my arms, and she might as well have ripped a piece of my heart out.” Her eyes welled up.

  “Don’t you think I felt it, too?” Casey sagged against the back of the couch. She’d always been quick to judge Jacqueline’s emotional availability. And while she’d been an open book compared to Jacqueline, now, she had to admit, she’d held some things back as well. “I felt guilty,” she whispered.

  “Why?” Jacqueline sat down next to her.

  “We had so much to give. A good home, money, security. I was blessed. I really thought I had it all.” She barked out a sarcastic laugh. What a joke her perfect life had turned out to be.

  “Casey—” Jacqueline touched her arm, but Casey shook her off.

  “I felt guilty and selfish—so many kids desperately needed those basic comforts, and we could have—I resented you for making that decision for both of us. I blamed you.”

  “Yeah, that part I figured out.” Jacqueline angled to face her more fully. “So we blamed each other and it blew us apart. But you went on to foster again, so you can’t really regret it.”

  “It’s more complicated than regret or not. I didn’t want to lose you—”

  “You told me to go.”

  Casey nodded. “And you did.”

  “What if I’d stayed? What if I’d fought for us?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you think we could have made it? Found our way back to happy?”

  “Maybe.” She really didn’t know. Elle hadn’t been their only problem. If it hadn’t been her, they might have eventually come to a breaking point over Jacqueline’s job, her travel, or some other issue. “Maybe not. Does it matter now? Those years are gone, and we can’t be anywhere but here.”

  Jacqueline nodded. “Wherever this is.” Her words clearly defined Casey’s confusion about the recent changes in the way they related to each other as well. Jacqueline stood. “I want to check on Dad on my way home. Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” Casey answered as simply as possible, though she couldn’t help but wonder if the larger question wasn’t, are we okay? She didn’t know how to answer that one.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Do I need to be concerned?” Owen asked as soon as she walked into the Chattanooga office Monday afternoon. He’d been waiting for her near the front desk.

  “About what?” She smiled at the receptionist on her way by. He followed her down the hall to the conference room she’d be using for an employee meeting in less than an hour. She dropped her bag in a chair near the head of the table, worrying a little when he closed the door behind them.

  “You omitted the Blackstone letter.” He held up his hands to stop her protest. “And now the operations manager in Louisville said you snapped at him.”

  “He called you?” Yes, she’d lost her temper and could have handled things better. Since she’d argued with him within earshot of the dock, she’d known there was a chance he’d complain. But when two weeks passed without incident, she thought maybe he’d blown it off. She certainly had. But she wasn’t surprised to learn he’d reported her. He was a whiny baby who had no people skills and even less professional knowledge. She had no idea how he’d gotten his job.

  “I phoned him about an unrelated issue. But your name came up.”

  “The guy’s an idiot, Owen.” She circled the outside of the room, pausing near a table along the back wall to grab a bottle of water and a banana.

  “He said you called him a dumbass.”

  “Actually, I said he made us all look like dumbasses. He withheld important information and then expected me to help him out of a jam.”

  “I can’t have my HR manager implying an ops manager in this company is a dumbass.”

  “Well, make up your mind, Owen. Did I call him a dumbass, or did I just imply it?” She tried to lighten the mood. His nod and small smile indicated she’d succeeded. She sat and rested her elbows on the table. “So, what? Do I need to apologize?”

  “That’s a start.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “If you apologize, I can probably talk him out of filing a formal complaint.”

  “A formal—seriously?”

  “If he does, I can’t go to bat for you with legal. Their collective memories aren’t that short.”

  She bit back a curse. That damn P&C letter would end up screwing her after all. “I’ll fix it.”

  “Make it a sincere apology. And do it in person.”

  She nodded. Once he’d left the room, she let her head fall forward until her forehead rested on the table. When would she have time to squeeze in an unplanned trip to Louisville? If she’d thought she could get away with delaying, she’d wait a couple of weeks—put off seeing his smug face. But Owen would expect an update when she smoothed things over. Besides, if this incident could jeopardize her future advancement, as Owen had implied, then she wanted to deal with it sooner rather than later. She’d arrive home Wednesday afternoon, only to leave again Thursday morning for Louisville.

  She lifted her head and began unpacking the training literature she’d had delivered to the center last week. She needed to focus on her task for the day. Trying to work through distraction was how she’d gotten herself to this point, and continuing to do so certainly wouldn’t solve her problems. Later tonight, in her hotel room, she’d have a drink and wallow in self-pity over the current state of her career.

  *

  Casey grabbed the loaf of French bread she’d picked up at the grocery store the day before and headed out to her car. She’d been running behind since her first consultation of the day had gone long, and she’d never recovered. Ten minutes ago, she’d finished uploading a set of proofs with just enough time to freshen up before going to Teddy’s for dinner. He wouldn’t care if she was a bit late, but she opted for the short drive instead of her usual walk.


  Several minutes later, she parked at the curb in front of Teddy’s house just as Jacqueline got out of her own car in the driveway. Jacqueline circled her car and met Casey halfway up the driveway.

  “Hey, I know this is your night with him, but I was hoping you had room for one more?”

  “Sure.” Casey engaged her vehicle locks and slipped the fob into her jeans pocket. Jacqueline’s keys jangled in her hand. She didn’t have any pockets marring the lines of the brown skirt that hugged her hips and ended just above her knees. As Jacqueline turned toward the house, Casey followed, noting the creases in the back of Jacqueline’s ivory drape-necked blouse. Even wrinkled she’s gorgeous. Casey acknowledged the observation easily. Jacqueline’s beauty had always reached her, even through their most disconnected times.

  Tendrils of Jacqueline’s upswept hair had worked their way free around her face and at the back of her neck. She sported ballet flats instead of the heels that accentuated her calves, giving one more hint to what she’d been doing just before she arrived.

  “How was your drive?” Casey asked.

  “Boring. Chattanooga.” Jacqueline slipped off her sunglasses and tucked them into her purse. She’d always shown fatigue in her eyes first, and today her weariness was evident. “I have to go to Louisville first thing tomorrow, so the fun isn’t over yet.”

  “From one end of your region to the other? I thought you’d gotten more efficient at plotting your travel.”

  “I have. This one’s out of my control.” Jacqueline used her key, swung open the door, and called, “Dad.”

  Though Casey didn’t hear a response, they found him in the living room staring at the television. The sound had been muted, so he should have heard her.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  His eyes snapped to Jacqueline’s face, then tracked to Casey’s, and a moment of recognition was followed by confusion.

  “I hope you don’t mind me crashing your dinner party.” Despite Jacqueline’s casual statement, the tension in her voice indicated she’d sensed something was off with Teddy as well.

  “Dinner party?”

  “It’s Wednesday.” Casey held up her loaf of bread as if that might jog his memory. When they’d talked earlier in the week, he said he’d put one of the lasagnas she’d stocked his freezer with into the oven for tonight. Since she didn’t smell the spicy tomato and garlic aroma, he’d apparently forgotten about dinner.

  “What are we having?” He clearly didn’t remember their plans but seemed to be putting the pieces together and was maybe hoping her answer would give him a hint.

  “Not lasagna, I guess.” Casey said as she went into the kitchen to confirm her suspicions. When she opened the freezer door and saw the pasta dish still in there, Jacqueline looked over her shoulder.

  “New plan?” Jacqueline’s mouth was close enough for Casey to feel her breath on her ear. She shivered and wondered if she imagined that she could feel the vibration of her words in the press of Jacqueline’s chest against her back.

  “Yes.” She cleared her throat to get rid of the tremor in her voice.

  “I’ll go pick something up from that Italian place you like.” Jacqueline stepped back so Casey could close the freezer door.

  “No.” Casey turned around. Jacqueline still stood close. Before she could stop herself, she touched Jacqueline’s cheek. “You’re already spending too much time in your car lately.”

  “Casey.” Jacqueline tilted her head into Casey’s palm.

  She dropped her hand and moved back against the refrigerator. “Let me see what I can come up with. You deserve some comfort food.”

  “Okay. But nothing too complicated. Otherwise, we’ll order pizza or something. From the looks of that freezer, you already spend enough time cooking for him.”

  “I enjoy it.” She opened the pantry, hoping she could throw together something that still utilized the French bread. She grabbed a couple of cans and turned around. “The soup will be canned, but I’ll make up for it with amazing grilled-cheese sandwiches.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  If they left it to Teddy he’d have only a stack of processed American slices in the fridge. But since Jacqueline had been doing his grocery shopping and cheese was one of her vices, Casey was certain she’d find a better selection.

  She grabbed Swiss, cheddar, and Monterey jack and put together three sandwiches. Jacqueline kept her company while she toasted both sides on a stovetop griddle pan. She let Jacqueline lead the conversation and noticed that she kept it light and steered away from both her work and Teddy. Actually, Jacqueline seemed more content to listen than to talk, asking Casey about where she’d been hiking and if she’d taken any interesting photos lately. Casey launched into a detailed description of a new location she’d gotten access to in the future, which would be perfect for her fall sessions. The owner of the farm was the grandmother of one of her clients, and Casey had shot her granddaughter’s school pictures there. The woman had been so impressed that she’d given Casey her number and told her to call whenever she wanted to take pictures there. She’d even refused to charge Casey any rental fees.

  “You should see it, Jacq. There’s this old weathered barn and, a couple hundred yards away, a newly painted red one so it covers whichever mood I’m going for. Then, of course, there’s all this rustic farm stuff to play with. And the stream that runs through the property passes by both barns. I say stream, but it’s as wide as a street and waist deep in the middle. And when the leaves are changing, the colors reflect off the water brilliantly. The afternoon light there is amazing.” She stopped, realizing she’d been waving her spatula around like a crazy woman. “Sorry, I’m babbling. And I’m sure you don’t care about—”

  “I do.” Jacqueline smiled, her eyes warm with affection that Casey would have sworn Jacqueline couldn’t feel for her anymore. “I’ve always liked how passionate you get about your work.”

  Casey held her gaze for a moment longer, basking in the glow before she made herself look away. She pulled the pan off the burner. “I’m almost ready here. So go round up Teddy.”

  As she plated their dinner, Jacqueline herded Teddy to the table. He and Casey chatted while they ate. Jacqueline grew increasingly quiet, though she did moan her approval of the grilled cheese.

  Casey hadn’t seen Jacqueline since their emotionally charged conversation about kids the previous weekend. She’d felt unsettled about where exactly they’d left things. But when Jacqueline had showed up today looking a little beat-up and clearly not wanting to discuss the causes, she’d decided to play along. Other than that awkward and too-familiar moment in the kitchen, they’d engaged in polite conversation that left her no closer to understanding the new ebbs and flows of their relationship.

  Something else was bothering Jacqueline, but Casey waited until they were alone in the kitchen again to ask about it. Jacqueline insisted on cleaning up since Casey had cooked. Teddy didn’t have a dishwasher, so she filled the sink to wash their few dishes. Casey grabbed a towel and said she’d dry them. She waited until Jacqueline was up to her forearms in soapy water and couldn’t escape before she made an attempt.

  “What’s really going on? You look exhausted.”

  Jacqueline shook her head, her expression beginning to shut down.

  “Is it just Teddy? Or—Kendra mentioned you had a problem at work.”

  Jacqueline scoffed. “Problems, actually.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I just need to get through this week.” Jacqueline passed her a plate.

  “Okay.” She smothered her desire to convince Jacqueline to confide in her, telling herself that wasn’t her job anymore—if it had ever been. Sometimes she felt like she’d spent their whole relationship asking Jacqueline for more.

  “Don’t do that.”

  “What?” She affected a casual tone.

  “Don’t act like I’ve disappointed you. I can’t handle that, too.”

  “To be disappointed, I�
��d have to have some expectations of you.”

  “Ouch.”

  She laid the towel down on the counter next to the sink. “You know, suddenly, I’m tired as well. I think I’ll say good-bye to Teddy and head home.”

  She’d taken two steps toward the living room when Jacqueline’s voice stopped her. “I screwed up. A couple of times.”

  Casey folded her arms, waiting to see if Jacqueline was just tossing her a tidbit to placate her.

  “I missed a crucial step in an investigation a while back. I got through that one relatively unscathed. But I lost my temper a couple of weeks ago, said something stupid, and now I have to go to Louisville and apologize.” Jacqueline picked up the towel and dried her hands, then turned toward Casey.

  “You’re driving all the way up there for an apology.”

  Jacqueline nodded. “Owen’s orders. I was wrong, I admit that. But I’m not looking forward to this. I can practically see the smug look on the manager’s face.” She sighed. “And then there’s Dad. Is this just a symptom of aging? Or something more?”

  “Aging, I think. But if you continue to have concerns, we can encourage him to go back to his doctor for further tests. I’ll support whatever you decide and help in any way I can.”

  “I appreciate that.” Jacqueline closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’ve been so great, Casey. I can’t thank you enough. And I haven’t even asked how you’re doing since you and Nina split up. Are you okay?”

  “Sure.” Casey waved a hand dismissively. “In a lot of ways, the breakup has made my life simpler.”

  “How so?”

  “Just—you know, there’s only so much of me to go around. And this time of year tests my patience.”

  “I remember.” Jacqueline grimaced as if recalling how Casey’s temper shortened as the fall wedding season bled into the holidays.

  “Okay. I wasn’t that bad.”

  “I bet my asking for help added to the stress.”

  “Honestly?”

  “Of course.”