Capturing Forever

by Erin Dutton

  “Maybe a little. But I never considered any other option. Whomever I date just has to understand that sometimes my family needs me.”

  Jacqueline gave her a grateful, if lazy, smile, almost as if she didn’t have the energy for anything more.

  Casey resisted the urge to reach out to her. “You’re barely going to have any time to relax. You should have gone home and rested before your drive tomorrow.”

  “I’m away so much, I need to check on him when I’m around.”

  “You could have called. He would have understood you not driving down here.”

  Jacqueline twisted the towel in her hands, her eyes downcast. “I wanted to see Dad. But you’re right. He’d have been okay. I needed to see you.”

  “Jacq—”

  “Please, don’t say it. I know. But,” when she lifted her gaze, Casey’s breath caught at the uncharacteristic vulnerability in her eyes, “I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting alone in my apartment tonight.”

  “Come home with me.” She didn’t know why she’d said it, but she didn’t want to take it back.

  “You don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine. I can just stay here.”

  “I know. But I—thinking about you—just come with me.” Jacqueline needed company and, yes, she could have left her with her father, but for whatever reason, she wanted to be what Jacqueline needed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jacqueline paced around Casey’s living room, wondering if she’d made a mistake accepting Casey’s offer to spend the night. She’d been exhausted and didn’t want to drive back downtown. But, as she’d admitted, she didn’t want to be alone. And even more than that, she wanted to be with Casey. Spending the evening with her had felt so good. She could easily lose herself in the domesticity of it all. For one night, she could pretend that her trip tomorrow wouldn’t feel so long and draining because she might have something to come home to.

  But those kinds of thoughts would get her in trouble. Casey had turned her away years ago, and though Jacqueline had herself convinced she’d detected hints that Casey wanted to let her back in, a part of her still knew it wasn’t a good idea. Even if they could somehow find the courage to put themselves back on the roller coaster that had been their relationship, they had no right to force Sean to come along.

  When they’d arrived, Casey had left her alone in the living room while she went to get something for her to sleep in. Jacqueline had ignored her suggestion to make herself comfortable and instead had spent the last several minutes wandering around the room.

  She paused by a bookcase, made to look like a ladder angled against the wall. On the shelf at eye-level, three frames held photos of Sean, two with Casey and one with her father. The placement looked uneven, as if there had been a fourth one that was now missing. Had there been a picture of Nina that Casey had removed? She felt guilty for how good that idea made her feel. She probably shouldn’t have brought Nina up; it was none of her business. She’d structured the question around her concern for Casey, but a part of her had been afraid Casey would say how much she missed her and regretted their split.

  “You don’t look like you’re relaxing,” Casey said as she came back into the room. She’d changed into one of her old college T-shirts and flannel boxer shorts. Jacqueline had seen a lot of versions of Casey in sleepwear, from the current one to her forays into sexy lingerie. But this one had always taken her back to their early days, when they’d skip class and spend hours in their dorm room making love, only putting on clothes to open the door for the pizza guy. “Is something wrong?”

  Jacqueline blinked and realized she’d been staring. Casey glanced down at the stack of clothes, similar to her own, that she’d been holding out for who knew how long, then back up at Jacqueline.

  “No. I’m good. Thank you.” Jacqueline took the clothes. She turned back to the bookcase to distract herself from sexy-college-coed Casey. She skimmed over the blank space on the picture shelf and spotted one of Casey’s old cameras on display. The Pentax had been an early favorite of Casey’s and a go-to SLR for many years.

  “Do you ever shoot with this anymore?”

  “Not so much.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m strictly digital now, I guess.” Casey shrugged. “I still have the darkroom we built in the studio, but 35mm doesn’t work for the kind of stuff I’m doing professionally. All my proofs are digital and so are a lot of my package choices. Lately, I’ve been making time to shoot for pleasure again. I guess I shouldn’t complain about having too much work, should I?”

  “There are definitely worse problems to have.”

  Casey glanced at the clock on the wall. “You should get some sleep.”

  Jacqueline nodded. They moved together down the hallway, and she paused outside Sean’s room.

  “Thank you, for this.” She indicated the sleepwear, but her gratitude extended to the company as well. “Good night.”

  “Don’t stay in Sean’s room,” Casey blurted, and her expression changed as if the words had escaped without her consent.

  “I guess I could sleep on the couch but—”

  “Sleep with me. I mean, in my room. If you want to. There’s plenty of—never mind.”

  “Okay,” Jacqueline said too loudly for the soft atmosphere between them. “I’d like that.”

  She followed Casey into her bedroom. But once inside she stood awkwardly in the space she used to feel so comfortable in. Casey had painted the walls, transforming them from the sunny yellow they’d chosen years ago to soft gray. The king-sized mahogany panel bed they’d shared remained, but the charcoal-and-blue comforter covered in a simple leaf-and-vine pattern was new. The overall effect was clean and soothing.

  “I like what you’ve done in here. It’s nice.”

  Casey circled to the far side of the bed and pulled back the covers. “It was time for an update.”

  Jacqueline nodded. She looked down at the clothes in her hand, then at the bed between them. Why had she thought she could do this?

  “Right. So the bathroom is still through there.” Casey nodded toward the open door.

  “Good to know you haven’t moved it.”

  Once inside the bathroom, Jacqueline stripped down. She laughed when she caught herself modestly tucking her bra and underwear inside the folded pile of her own clothes—as if Casey hadn’t seen everything already. As she pulled Casey’s T-shirt over her head she breathed in the foreign scent of her fabric softener, grateful for anything that distracted her from the all-too-familiar fragrance of Casey’s favorite cherry-blossom-scented lotion. She could probably stay strong against a hint of it, but immersed in it in the small room, she couldn’t stop the memory of Casey smoothing it on her heated post-shower skin.

  By the time she returned to the bedroom, Casey had already snuggled under the comforter, her eyes closed. While Jacqueline typically needed at least thirty minutes propped against the headboard making notes on her agenda for the next day in order to unwind, Casey possessed the irritating ability to fall asleep almost immediately after getting into bed. Casey also tended to take a bit more than her share of the bed, sleeping close to dead center of the mattress, and tonight was no exception as her golden waves threatened to spill onto Jacqueline’s pillow. The lamp on her nightstand cast the only glow in the room, and the whole scenario suddenly felt very intimate.

  She couldn’t get in that bed next to Casey and pretend she was okay. She curled her hands into fists against the urge to touch Casey, and she wasn’t even within range of her yet. If she opted to sleep in Sean’s room, or even to leave altogether, she’d have to give Casey some kind of explanation. Just get in the bed. She’d slept next to Casey thousands of times without losing her shit; she could do it one more time. She’d pretend this was like any other night they’d gone to bed together—to sleep, any night they’d gone to sleep together.

  *

  Casey closed her eyes when she heard the bathroom-door hinge squeak. But when Jacqueline didn�
�t come to the bed right away, Casey struggled not to peek. Was Jacqueline having second thoughts about staying? Casey had questioned the wisdom of her invitation as soon as they’d stepped inside the bedroom. So she’d climbed into bed and shut her eyes so she could fake sleep and hope the awkwardness was gone by morning.

  Finally, the bed dipped under Jacqueline’s weight, and the sheet pulled against Casey as Jacqueline got settled underneath it. Though Jacqueline seemed to be trying to stay as close to the edge of the bed as possible, Casey could feel her warmth.

  “I know you’re not sleeping,” Jacqueline said, poking her in the side.

  Casey rolled onto her back, bringing her closer to Jacqueline. “How?”

  Jacqueline shrugged, her shoulder rubbing Casey’s. “I just do.”

  “This is weird, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I never thought we’d be in bed together again. I mean—not that we’re—we, uh—I’m going to shut up now and go back to faking sleep.”

  Jacqueline laughed. “I know what you meant. A lot has happened recently that I never thought would.” She turned on her side, bent her elbow, and propped her head on her hand. “Sometimes it feels like we could be friends again.”

  “I’d like to think I never stopped being a friend when you needed one.” Casey tried to steer them away from dangerous territory. She couldn’t handle a trip down memory lane with Jacqueline so close.

  Jacqueline brushed a lock of hair off Casey’s forehead, then ghosted her fingers over Casey’s jaw. “When I first met you—”

  “We’re not those girls.” Casey couldn’t turn her head away, but she considered it a victory when she managed not to angle into the caress.

  “I know that.”

  “Do you?”

  “Yes.” Jacqueline touched her chin, but when her fingers drifted upward, Casey grabbed her wrist before she reached her lips. “When I look at you right now, I don’t see that college coed. I see the woman who selflessly cared for my father, the woman who’s been there for me when I thought I’d break, neither of which you have any obligation to do.”

  “Do you also see the woman you can barely go two weeks without arguing with? Because that’s also been true these last couple of months.” She squeezed Jacqueline’s wrist, then started to release her. But as soon as they separated, Jacqueline turned her hand and captured Casey’s fingers.

  “We’ve always kind of had that, too. Haven’t we?”

  Casey nodded, staring at their linked hands. They’d never lacked for chemistry, whether they were heating each other up or burning down their relationship. “We were so full of feelings back then.”

  “You were full of yourself.” Jacqueline tucked their hands against her chest.

  “I’m serious.”

  “So am I.”

  Casey elbowed her playfully. “I was emotional and inspired.”

  “You were the biggest flirt I’d ever met. I never stood a chance.”

  “Most women didn’t.”

  Jacqueline seemed to be considering her response. Casey recognized first her impulse to volley back with a joke of her own, but then her expression turned serious. “You were pretty amazing. Fearless. Are—you are amazing.”

  “Nice save.” Casey grinned. “But lately, it seems, I go through my days feeling numb—detached—like I’m watching my life happen to someone else.”

  “What can we do about that?”

  Casey shrugged.

  “I’m serious. You’ve been a rock for me with Dad. Let me do something for you.”

  “It’s fine—I’m fine.”

  “Okay. I have an idea. Are you free Sunday morning?”

  She shook her head. “I have a shoot scheduled. But Saturday could work.” She’d have to get some billing and editing done on Friday in order to justify some playtime. Even without knowing what they’d be doing, she couldn’t resist the offer to spend a day with Jacqueline. During their relationship she’d grown to resent the part of herself that seemed to sit around waiting for Jacqueline to have time for her.

  “Okay. I’ll pick you up.”

  “What are we doing?”

  “You’ll see.”

  “How will I know how to dress?”

  “Wear comfortable shoes. Bring your camera and your longest lens. I’ll take care of everything else.”

  “You’re really not going to tell me.”

  “Nope.” Jacqueline kissed Casey’s temple, then released her hand and rolled onto her side. “Now, go to sleep. I didn’t come over here for you to keep me up all night.”

  *

  Casey stepped out of Jacqueline’s car in the lot beside the park office at Bledsoe Creek State Park. She’d been here once before but hadn’t recognized the route until she saw the sign as they turned off the main road. Jacqueline had refused to divulge their destination, even when she’d called last night on her drive home from Louisville. She’d been pulled into a meeting late yesterday in Louisville and had gotten a very late start on her drive back. So she’d phoned and asked Casey to talk for a few minutes to wake her up behind the wheel.

  Now, she suspected Jacqueline hadn’t wanted to tell her where they were going for fear Casey might not come along. Though the park was known for having several nice trails and lots of wildlife, Casey had avoided it when she’d started hiking recently. She hadn’t wanted to resurrect her disastrous first visit.

  “It’s such a gorgeous day.” Jacqueline rounded the car and opened the trunk.

  Casey pulled her hair through the back of a baseball cap and settled it on her head. The sun was rising quickly in the sapphire sky, and she’d need the shade before long.

  She tilted her head, looking up at the trees around her. But her attention drifted again to Jacqueline, who provided much more beautiful scenery. Jacqueline wore a long-sleeved thermal shirt and dark jeans that looked almost new. In fact, they probably were. She’d always gone from business to totally casual, skipping almost everything in between. As soon as she got home from work, she’d strip off her suit and put on sweats and a T-shirt. She’d said she spent way too many hours of her day in uncomfortable clothes to do so when she didn’t absolutely have to. Today, she’d left her hair unrestrained but pushed a pair of sunglasses up on her head to act as a hair accessory, which Casey found unexplainably sexy.

  “I know these trails probably aren’t up to your normal workout.” Jacqueline pulled two bottles of water from a cooler and shoved them into her backpack. She fidgeted with the zipper and didn’t meet Casey’s eyes. Was she nervous about Casey’s reaction to coming here?

  “It’s not so much about the exercise as it is clearing my mind.” She decided to keep her answers neutral until she figured out Jacqueline’s plan for choosing this particular place.

  Though she’d had a busy week, she’d looked forward to the weekend. Given that she’d shared a bed with Jacqueline Wednesday night, she expected to be a bit more conflicted about spending the day with her. The alarm on Jacqueline’s phone woke them both too early Thursday morning, but there’d been something comforting about feeling Jacqueline’s weight against her side as she opened her eyes. Jacqueline had thrown on her clothes from the night before and headed home to get ready for her trip. Casey had walked her to the door, and Jacqueline had hugged her and thanked her for putting up with her the night before. Maybe they were both far too good at pretending they weren’t crossing any lines, but the entire exchange had felt civil—perhaps even friendly.

  “Sure. But you’re used to more challenging hikes.”

  “I’ve been working my way up, yes.” Casey slipped one of her light sling bags containing her camera over her head and around her body.

  “I can tell.” Jacqueline glanced down at Casey’s legs.

  “Why here?” If she had any hope of enjoying this day, she might as well get this conversation out of the way first.

  Jacqueline shrugged. “My way of turning back time.”

  “What does that mean?”
<
br />   “Last time we were here, I screwed it up.”

  When he was about nine years old, Sean had begged them to take him camping. One of his friends had gone several times with his father and bragged about what a great time he had. Jacqueline wanted to rent an RV, but Casey had insisted that in order to get an authentic experience they had to rough it in a tent. It poured down rain for most of the weekend, and instead of making the best of it, Jacqueline spent two days telling Casey how much better their trip would be if she’d listened to her about the RV. Eventually, Casey gave up on salvaging the trip for Sean, and they’d packed up and left a day early.

  “I think we find enough to disagree on without rehashing old arguments, so if that’s what you brought me out here to do—”

  “It’s not.” Jacqueline grabbed Casey’s hands. “I remembered there were trails here. And we didn’t exactly get to explore them last time.”

  “I don’t want to do this.” Casey pulled her hands free. She’d forgotten how angry she’d been at Jacqueline after that weekend. She turned back toward the car, intending to insist Jacqueline take her home.

  “Wait.” Jacqueline caught her hand as she tried to spin away. “When the weather didn’t cooperate, I handled things badly. But there was a lot of pressure on that trip, and I couldn’t stand to see you so disappointed.”

  “Me? I was worried about Sean. He had a tough beginning. I was trying to give him everything he’d never had.”

  “That’s just it.” Jacqueline stroked her thumb over the back of Casey’s hand. “You needed it to be perfect. And when it wasn’t, you got mad at me. And, yes, I made you feel bad for not having done things my way in the first place. That was wrong. But I got tired of trying to overcompensate for his crappy biological family.”

  “What?”

  “Do you know what I remember about that weekend?”

  Casey shook her head.

  “I remember how cute you looked when we got caught in that first rainstorm while we were setting up the tent. Your hair got wet and your T-shirt clung in all the right places.” She winked. “And when I laughed at you, you kissed me. Then there was that big clap of thunder, and—”