Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  Alec didn’t think the way he felt when he was around Jack really meant anything and even if he was inclined to deconstruct it, he wouldn’t. Because he liked it and the thought of rationalizing the feeling away wasn’t something he was eager to do.

  As he approached the church, he could see Ethan in his usual spot, obscuring Jack, who sat on the wall next to him, his long legs dangling down, sneakered heels kicking the wall. He was wearing his blue work overalls, the top half rolled down and tied around his waist, his tanned arms looking darker against his white t-shirt. There was something about that combination that made Alec forget how to put one foot in front of the other for a second, and he stumbled a little.

  Jack peered around from behind Ethan, spotted Alec, hopped down off the wall and closed the gap between them, throwing his arms around Alec in a bear hug. Turned out Jack was more into hugging than Steven, which was pretty disconcerting for some of the group; being that Jack was the size of two Stevens stuck together.

  “What time do you call this?”

  Alec thumped Jack on the back, smiled and pulled away. “What are you, my mother? Interview ran late.”

  Jack looked confused and rather worried. “Interview? What interview?”

  Alec opened his mouth to speak but Ethan was already at his side, tugging at his elbow, urging the pair of them inside, so he just made a face that said, I’ll tell you later and Jack had no choice but to follow them inside.

  The meeting ran a little long and Jack made his apologies to them both at having to rush back to work. “I’m sorry, it’s just we got this last minute job from a regular client and Mike couldn’t say no,” he said as he pushed his way out into the sunlight.

  “No worries, man. I’ll see you tomorrow anyway?” Alec asked placing a hand on Jack’s shoulder. Jack smiled, “Sure. You wanna meet me at the garage? You can buy me lunch first, if you like.”

  Alec huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, okay. Being as you asked me so nice.”

  He smiled and shooed him away. Jack laughed as he went, looking back over his shoulder when he was halfway down the road, still smiling. Alec didn’t stop grinning either or take his eyes off him until he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. He looked around into Ethan’s glowering face.

  “I’m taking you to lunch,” he informed Alec, somehow making it sound more like a threat than an invitation.

  Alec swallowed. “You don’t have to do that —”

  “I’m taking you to lunch.” Ethan interrupted and started walking in the direction of Blake’s. Alec took a deep breath and trailed behind him.

  They sat at their usual table, ordered their usual meals and nothing seemed out of place until the waitress walked away after bringing their drinks.

  Alec wasn’t nervous exactly. He’d known Ethan long enough to know that he had something on his mind but that wasn’t anything to be scared about. Ethan was one of the most laid back people he’d ever met in his life. The fact that he was glaring at Alec was a little disconcerting, but he was sure it was probably nothing.

  Ethan took a sip of his mineral water and cleared his throat. “So. How is it going with you and Jack?” His voice was calm and Alec felt genuinely confused for a second.

  He figured Ethan was probably just trying to soften him up before they got to whatever it was that was bothering him, so he shrugged. “Fine.”

  Ethan leaned back in the booth, folded his arms across his chest and raised both his eyebrows.

  Alec looked puzzled and shook his head. “I don’t—it’s fine. He’s doing well. He’s had a couple of times where he’s felt unsteady but he called me and we talked it out. I know I should speak to him about getting an actual sponsor and I will but—”

  Ethan’s hands rubbed hard over his face. His fingers lingered at his temples before they dragged down to his mouth.

  Alec watched and his stomach flipped. He could see a question on Ethan’s face and he wasn’t sure why but he felt like he was standing in front of the Principal, about to get a month’s worth of detention.

  Ethan stared at him for an uncomfortably long time before he lurched upright and burst out, in a harsh whisper, “Fuck it. I’m sorry Alec but— Kate thinks I should keep my mouth shut but I just—” He fixed Alec with his blue eyes and leaned forward on the table. “Do you seriously not see it?”

  Alec was struck dumb for a moment. He huffed out a laugh and mirrored Ethan’s posture, saying in the same whispered tone, “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

  Ethan’s eyes widened in disbelief, and he shook his head. “Seriously? You don’t see the way he behaves? The way he looks at you?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “All the hugging and stuff? You know that only happens when you’re there right?”

  “Ethan, seriously, I don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “And you’re as bad, with the sneaky looks and constant touching—”

  “Ethan, stop. I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

  “And every other word out of your mouth is ‘Jack’—”

  “Ethan!”

  Alec flinched even though the word came out of his own mouth. Came out far too loud and the silence that followed was filled by a diner-full of awkwardness, the clanking of cutlery and the tinny voice of a radio DJ introducing the next song.

  Alec shot an unconvincing smile at the elderly couple, who were glaring at him from across the room like he’d totally ruined their fried chicken with his outburst, before turning back to Ethan, and hissing out in a whisper, “I have no fucking clue what you are talking about.”

  Ethan shook his head and looked utterly shocked. He turned his palms up in despair and whispered, “I’m talking about you—and Jack—and the fact that you want to fuck each other’s brains out.”

  Alec sat there, open-mouthed, feeling the blood drain from his face, unable to move or speak or think. He wanted to laugh it off, pretend that Ethan had made the best joke and it was all on him ha ha but he couldn’t. He was paralyzed by the truth of it.

  Luckily, Ethan was able to acknowledge the waitress when she arrived with the food. By the time Alec could function again, there was a huge burger with fries in front of him. He pushed it roughly to one side and violently shaking his head, managed to croak out, “No. No, that’s not—”

  “Alec.” Ethan looked at him and all Alec could see was Ethan’s soft eyes, all concern and worry, without an ounce of blame or hate or disapproval. “Alec, please.”

  “It’s not like that. He’s—” Alec thought he might choke on the words but kept going, managing to murmur, “He’s not like that. I don’t even think I’m like that.”

  Ethan scoffed and crammed a spoonful of chili into his mouth, smirking and chewing until he swallowed and laughed in Alec’s blank face, “You’re joking.”

  Alec shrugged and pulled his burger back in front of him. Ethan looked horrified, wiped his mouth roughly with a napkin, and went on, “Oh, God, Alec! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize. I’m so sorry. I thought that maybe you were coming to terms with it, staying sober for this long—I’m sorry I didn’t even think that—”

  “You think I’m gay?”

  Ethan huffed, and nodded. “Well, you want to fuck a guy so—oh hell, gay, bi—labels are just—does it matter? Can’t you want who you want, just because?” He saw the disbelief on Alec’s face and added, “You’re not flaming or— whatever, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

  “There’s a difference!” Alec didn’t mean that to sound so bitchy but the words came out snide and hateful, and he could measure just how hateful by the annoyance on Ethan’s face.

  Ethan leaned forward, genuine anger brimming underneath the calm. “Don’t do that. Not facing up to who you are, how you feel, is probably one of the reasons you started using in the first place. Don’t start coming off like an asshole thinking it’ll make you feel better. It won’t.”

  “I’m sorry, it’s just—I just don’t think it’s—that.”


  Ethan rolled his eyes and prodded at his chili. “Fair enough. Although just out of curiosity—if you felt about a girl how you feel about Jack, what would you call it?”

  Alec didn’t even have to think about it, the word popped straight into his head and he shook it away, feeling the enormity of it sting tears into his eyes. He swallowed and mumbled, “You don’t seem—shocked. Surprised, even?”

  Ethan laughed, “The most surprised I’ve been was when you were so pleased about getting Allie’s number, rather than the guy you couldn’t keep your eyes off that night.” The laugh died quickly and they both shifted in their seats.

  Alec rubbed his hand over his head. “God. What a mess.”

  Ethan nodded in agreement and pushed Alec’s plate closer to him. Alec didn’t feel like eating but he got the distinct impression that Ethan would force-feed his lunch to him if he didn’t eat it himself. He wrapped his hands around the burger and picked it up.

  “It is pretty Shakespearian. Falling for the brother of the girl you’re sleeping with.”

  Alec was about to take a bite but the words made him pause until Ethan’s eyes fell on him and he couldn’t meet them. He took the biggest bite he could without choking and set to chewing as slowly as possible to prolong his silence. But it was pointless.

  Ethan’s eyes grew wide. “Huh. So not sleeping with. I think that’s supposed to make it better but somehow—really? And that didn’t make you think that maybe you weren’t that into her?”

  Alec chewed a couple more times and then swallowed with difficulty. His mouth was still half-full when he said, “We were taking it slow.”

  Ethan nodded, thoughtful. “And given half a chance with Jack, would you ‘take it slow’?”

  Alec swallowed again and hoped the sudden heat he felt in his belly didn’t extend to his skin.

  Ethan raised his eyebrows and mumbled, “Yep, that’s what I thought.”

  They both ate in silence for a while, Alec trying to get his head around the fact that his sponsor had just outed him—to himself—and what in the hell he was supposed to do now, but one thing Ethan had said kept rubbing on the inside of his skull.

  He tried to sound casual, “So—”

  “Yes.”

  Alec’s hands dropped to the table and he glared at Ethan’s smug face. “I haven’t even asked you yet.”

  Ethan smirked. “Well, let me save you the trouble. Yes, yes I do think he likes you as much as you like him. The poor boy lights up like a fucking lighthouse beacon every time you walk in the room!”

  “But you don’t think it could just be because—”

  “Nope.” Ethan interrupted, pointing his fork at him. “Whatever you’re thinking, it’s you. He likes you,” he smiled, wickedly, “even if you are a 12 year-old girl at times. Just accept it”

  Alec picked at his burger and mumbled, “I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I don’t know what I want.”

  “Well, you better figure it out soon, Son.” Alec looked up at Ethan’s harsh tone. It would have sounded stern even without the added emphasis of the fork being jabbed in his direction. “You let this go on much longer, it’s going to get a whole lot messier.”

  Chapter Ten

  The following day when Alec woke up, he was surprised to find that he had slept at all. He had lain in bed so long the night before, staring at the ceiling, eyelids seemingly pinned open, he couldn’t imagine that he would ever fall asleep again and resigned himself to wait for the sun to rise.

  His mind had been reeling since his conversation with Ethan. He had spent most of the rest of the day wandering around in a thick haze, thinking back to every relationship he’d ever had, every girlfriend who had questioned his preferences, every time he’d found a guy vaguely attractive or developed what he thought of as a man-crush. In hindsight, there may have been more occasions than he had acknowledged where his preferences skewed toward the same team.

  And the more he thought about it—the way he was never as interested in discussing the sexual attributes of women as his guy friends, how his ventures into internet porn could easily end up on a site that had no women at all—hell, the fact that he still thought about the boy that he’d met on his summer vacation when he was fourteen, putting the deep longing down to out of control hormones and not something real—the more he was bewildered that he hadn’t accepted himself as being bisexual before now. Alec had always figured he wasn’t gay but he certainly wasn’t as straight as he’d always tried to convince himself he was.

  Eventually, Alec dragged himself out of bed and the thoughts that had kept him awake half the night followed him into the shower. He thought about how he’d loved Stella—truly loved her—but the others, Becky, Sarah, as much as he wanted to be with them, they didn’t compare. He had never loved them, never wanted them as much as he had loved Stella.

  And then there was Jack. And the way Alec felt about him completely eclipsed how he had felt about even her. Which was crazy. He’d only known Jack a matter of weeks but already he was ready to give him the same level of commitment it had taken years to get to with Stella. It was insane. And he told himself so. Out loud. The sound of his voice suddenly loud in the quiet room, as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. “You’ve lost your fucking mind.”

  “Did you say something, Hon?” His mom glanced in through his open door as she passed. Alec flipped around and gasped, shaking his head too hard. She scowled at him and kept moving.

  Alec flopped down onto the bed, his head swimming with gonna have to tell her, gonna have to tell everyone, what will they think? What if they hate me? Why would they even believe me? I’m twenty-six years old and now suddenly I’m into guys?

  And that’s the way his brain continued, through breakfast, replying to emails, cleaning the grill ready for the planned cookout on Sunday until it got closer to lunchtime and Alec set out for the garage. For Jack. He spent the drive there trying to persuade himself that he could do this, be cool, not be awkward, not be—well, gay. Because no matter what Ethan said there was no way that he could know for sure that Jack felt the same about him and there was no way he could say anything without screwing up his relationship with Jack for good.

  He rehearsed saying Hello, Hi, How you doing, What’s up and a thousand other stupid things as he drove, forgetting once or twice that people could actually see in the car and that he shouldn’t be making random facial expressions. He felt like an idiot and tried to persuade himself that this was just like any other day. No big deal at all.

  Alec felt a little giddy when he parked up and crossed the street towards the workshop. He peered inside but couldn’t see Jack. But as he drew closer, he could hear his voice, just not from inside the building. Alec followed the sound of Jack speaking and then another unfamiliar voice, down the side of the adjacent building to the alley behind.

  When he got close enough to hear words and not just sounds, Alec slowed not wanting to eavesdrop exactly, more not wanting to interrupt, but Jack sounded so upset he didn’t feel like leaving him alone either.

  “I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve told you already—” Jack’s voice was strained.

  “You’re full of shit, Jack—” the other voice interrupted, angry. “I know you. This isn’t you!”

  “For Christ’s sake, Dorian, what the fuck do you know, huh?” The name hit Alec like a blow to the chest and his body tensed, eyes closed against the jealousy that surged irrationally in him. The only redemption was that Jack was using the name like a weapon. “Seriously? You think I want this? Want to work in this crappy job? Stay living with my fucking sister? Drink myself half to death with you every night—”

  “That’s not fucking fair and you know it! I never made you do anything you didn’t want to do. We’re supposed to be friends, Jack—”

  “Exactly! So why can’t you be happy for me that I’m getting straightened out?”

  “Bullshit! This is you running, like you always do, trying to pretend that you’re s
omeone you’re not—”

  “Oh my God, is that what this is about!”

  “—you’re not one of them, Jack. You don’t need them—”

  “Just drop it, Dorian!”

  “—You need me! You know you do!”

  “Dorian! Jesus, get off me!”

  The sound of feet scuffling in the dirt sent Alec, not running, but walking as quickly as he could without looking too freaked out around the corner.

  Jack was backed up against the wall, the shorter, blonder, wiry Dorian right up in his face, fists bunched in the collar of Jack’s overall, both of them red-faced and pissed off.

  Alec tried to keep his voice neutral when he said, “Jack? You ready to go?”

  Both men snapped their attention away from each other’s faces to Alec’s at the same time, both shocked by his sudden appearance. Jack huffed out a relieved breath, but Dorian’s face crumpled into a nasty snarling grin. Keeping his eyes on Alec, he slowly let go of Jack, saying, “Oh, I get it now.” He took a step away and turned back to Jack. “I should have known.”

  Jack huffed out an exasperated breath. “No, it’s not—he’s—it’s not like that.”

  Dorian laughed bitterly and wiped a hand across his mouth. “Sure, sure—Jesus, who are you kidding, Jack? When is it not like that with you!”

  Jack’s eyes flashed hot and he took a step forward. “Fuck you, Dorian! That’s not fair.”

  Dorian backed up but his words kept attacking. “No, fuck you, Jack! Or let him do it, until you get bored and then come crawling back to me, like always!”

  Jack tensed and seemed to start to raise himself up. Dorian and Alec both saw it: Dorian taking another quick step away and Alec striding forward to take hold of Jack’s bicep.

  As soon as Alec’s fingers wrapped around his arm, Jack looked toward him, at first with the same rage he was directing to Dorian, but then it softened to deep concern. Alec gave him a pointed look, and said softly, “Jack. Come on. Let’s just go.”

  Dorian smirked and straightened his leather jacket, as he opted to walk away, waving a hand back over his shoulder. “Yeah, you go on like a good boy, Jack. I’ll see you later. When your fucktoy is all fucked out.”