Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  That had been the most surprising thing when Alec had arrived at the unit. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting but seeing people walking around like normal, wasn’t one of them. When he’d realized that the only way to tell doctors from patients was by the laminate badges hanging from their necks, it somehow made Alec feel better. The night before he’d had some weird One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest related dreams and although he wasn’t anticipating stern nurses in weird white hats, it had been playing on his mind all day.

  Jack picked at the thick wad of bandaging on his wrists. “Did you talk to the doc yet?”

  Alec rubbed his chin and shook his head. “No. They said he’d come get me in a minute. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say.”

  “He’s a good guy, I think.” Jack glanced up, sheepish and nervous. “I—I told him everything. I hope—I hope you don’t mind.”

  Alec had been fighting the urge to throw his arms around Jack from the moment he’d walked into reception and seeing him now—looking up through his bangs, so worried on Alec’s behalf—Alec couldn’t stand it. He reached out his hand and clutched at Jack’s, intertwining their fingers. “Of course, I don’t mind. I’m glad. I’m glad you got to talk to someone about all this.”

  “I’m sorry, Alec. I really am sorry—” Jack’s voice was steady but Alec couldn’t take it. He lifted his free hand, stopping short of placing his fingers on Jack’s lips but it had the same effect.

  His own voice was less than steady when he said, “Please don’t. Don’t apologize. We did our best. I don’t think either of us handled this thing very well but that’s over now. Can we move on? Can we just get past this and move on?”

  Jack put his fingers over Alec’s and pulled them to his lips to kiss them, and nodded emphatically. They eased themselves forward into each other’s arms; faces buried tight in each other’s necks, the relief of skin touching skin flooding through them, hands fisting in each other’s clothes like they never wanted to let go. After a moment, Jack pulled back, and tentatively placed a chaste kiss on Alec’s mouth. Alec responded, running his hands up into Jack’s hair to pull him closer but both of them very aware of their surroundings.

  Jack pulled his mouth away and pressed his temple to Alec’s. “They said I could go home tomorrow.”

  Alec kept hold of him and nodded, forcing Jack to nod with him. “Is that what you want? To go home?”

  Jack reached up and dragged Alec’s hands from his hair to his lap, holding them there. He kept staring down and shook his head. “No—No, I want to be with you.”

  Alec smiled and tilted Jack’s chin up, so he could see his eyes when he said, “Then let’s do that. ‘Cause, me too Jack. Really. Me too.”

  Jack gazed at him and smiled. “Okay. But if we’re gonna do it we need to do it right. I know I need to square things with Allie and I have to sort out work—”

  Alec laughed. “Hey! Look, let’s —” He took a deep breath. “I have to leave tomorrow for Austin. I found a place. I don’t know what you want to do, if you want to stay here until you feel you’re ready to come or—”

  “I want to go with you. Tomorrow. I can’t go back to the house not after—Let’s go. Start over. Like we’d planned. I need some time before I can work again anyway, for my fingers to recover.” He stroked them absently as he talked. “And I think any bridge building with Allie might be best from a distance. She’s coming in later. I’ll tell her then. I guess you should really talk to your mom about it too if—”

  “I already did,” Alec interrupted. “That’s all sorted. She’s happy for us”

  “Really?” Jack sounded incredulous.

  “Yeah. Of course,”

  It may have been a slight exaggeration.

  His mom had just stared open mouthed until she blurted out, “She said what?”

  Alec had sat in the armchair; legs stretched out fully in front of him, leaning right back, his body straight, fingers laced on the top of his head. He had shrugged and repeated the salient points again, this time with more emphasis. “She said that Dad isn’t Jack’s dad. We’re not related. She’d been trying to keep us apart.” He sat forward suddenly, drawing his body in on itself, mirroring the way his mom was poised on the edge of the couch opposite. “As far as I’m concerned nothing’s changed, at least not in a way that affects me and Jack. We still want to be together.”

  “Has he told you that? Have you even spoken to him?” She didn’t sound angry, it was more desperation in her voice. It had made Alec’s gut clench. She had always been determined and prepared to do what it took to get her own way. It had worried him more though when she dropped her voice and muttered to herself, “I can’t believe this, why would she say something like that?”

  “She was upset, Mom. And she never actually said anything, we just assumed. And no, I haven’t spoken to him yet, but I know him. It’s what we want.”

  “Really. Did you know that he would try and kill himself, Alec? ‘Cause it sure as hell didn’t seem like he wanted to be with you then!”

  “Jesus Christ!” Alec leapt up, the fury at her words boiling over and he started pacing, “That was why he did it! We couldn’t stay away from each other! Even thinking that we were—we still—it was killing us both! He just had the guts to go through with it!” As soon as the words had come out of his mouth, he regretted them. His mom had looked like he’d slapped her. He had crouched down in front of her and grabbed hold of her hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean —”

  She shook her head. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. Losing your father was bad enough—”

  “I know, I know, I’m sorry—but I love him, Mom. Please. You have to understand—”

  It had taken two more hours, a bit more shouting and a lot more tears, interspersed with his mom muttering, “Why would she say that?” over and over, but eventually it was as fine as it was ever going to be.

  <•••>

  Helen waited until Alec left for the hospital. She gave it all of two minutes before snatching up her bag and heading out the door.

  Jack and Alicia’s house was only a few blocks away but by the time she got there, the sticky heat, had worked its way into her bones and she ached with it. Walking up the steps to the front door she almost changed her mind but she had to know.

  When Alicia opened the door, she did it slowly, almost as if she thought Helen might rush her if she moved too fast.

  Helen could see the bare splintered wood on the frame where Alec had broken the door down and tried not to think about the cut on his face where he’d snagged it on something in his rush to save Jack.

  Alicia didn’t speak, just looked like she might break into pieces any moment. Helen could hardly believe it was the same girl that had stood in her kitchen, what seemed like an age ago, screaming and yelling with such passion. This girl was empty. She looked broken and spent and like she was preparing to get cut down any moment.

  Helen cleared her throat. “I’m sorry for coming here like this, just turning up. But I need to know—for the love of God, why did you tell him that?”

  Alicia swallowed. “You know why. You saw them together. How disgustingly happy they were. I tried for years to get through to my brother and nothing. He meets Alec and suddenly he’s seen the light? And Alec? He wouldn’t even give us a chance, wouldn’t even let me get close but ten seconds with Jack and it’s all roses and kittens? Seriously! I couldn’t stand it except—”

  “Except they need each other.” Helen’s voice was quiet but it was loud enough. Alicia nodded and looked at her feet.

  They stood there in silence for a moment before Helen said, “I understand why you did it, I do. I just think it’s going to take a while to get my head around it.” Alicia nodded and tried to surreptitiously wipe at her eye.

  Helen looked at Alicia, at how fragile she seemed, and without knowing why, said hesitantly, “I wanted—after your mother’s accident—I wanted you and Jack to come live with us, with Alec and m
e. I don’t know if you knew that.” Alicia looked up, tears in her eyes. Helen smiled softly at her. “Maybe if I had been able to persuade your aunt, things might have been different.”

  Alicia shook her head. “Maybe, but it’s too late to think like that. We’ll make ourselves crazy with ‘what if’s’.”

  Helen huffed out a breath. “I think we’re crazy enough already.”

  A trace of a smile passed over Alicia’s face, and after a beat she opened the door an inch wider. “It’s hot. I’m having iced tea.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  One year later, and as usual, the sound of Alec’s key in the door sent 80 pounds of mastiff-cross pounding down the front hall and into Alec’s legs. He didn’t even try to be cross any more, just dumped his bag on the hall table and ruffled Howie’s ears saying softly, “Hey buddy. Yeah, I missed you too,” before Howie turned and pounded back the way he came.

  They had only stayed in what Phil had affectionately dubbed ‘the rabbit hutch’ for four months after they had arrived in Austin. After the company landed both of the big contracts they had bid for in the first two months, it made sense to spend at least some of Alec’s bonus on getting a place that was big enough to have a dining table. They still ended up eating off their laps in front of the TV most nights though, as the table had somehow unofficially been repurposed as ‘The Office’.

  Also, Jack had begged for a place with a yard like his life depended on it. The day after they moved in, he had dragged Alec to the animal shelter he had been volunteering at, and as Alec watched Howie leap into Jack’s arms, he realized that he’d been well and truly suckered. And probably not for the last time.

  Alec toed off his dress shoes, kicking them into the pile of footwear in the hall, then dragged his laptop out of his messenger bag and headed down towards the kitchen. Jack was sitting at ‘The Office’, a huge pile of papers and books spread out over the whole surface of the table.

  Jack had started looking for a job as soon as they arrived in Austin and, although it took a lot of persuasion on Alec’s part, he had eventually enrolled at UT to get his teaching certification. He’d picked up some part time work at the library and although he studied there often, working at home meant that they could be together even when Alec had to work in the evenings too.

  The level of clutter wasn’t usually this bad but tonight even the tiny space designated as Alec’s—that he could just about squeeze his laptop and a cup of coffee into— was gone. Jack was engrossed in reordering the pile of notes in front of him and didn’t look up when Alec said, “Dinner smells good,” just grunting and tensing in his way that said I’m concentrating. Give me a minute. Alec rested his laptop on the pile of books that looked the least wobbly and said, “Howie’s wired. Did you walk him yet?”

  Jack kept his head down, checking page titles and sliding them in between the fan of papers in his hand but smiled and said, “Yup. Twice. Took him for a run as well this afternoon. And we played Frisbee for an hour. My arms are going to drop off.” He put the final part of his puzzle into place and then looked up triumphantly. He smiled widely at Alec who had leaned up against the kitchen counter and was flicking through the pile of mail that was left out for him on the side. Jack ran his eyes up and down Alec’s body. “Damn. Did I tell you yet how hot you look in that suit?”

  Alec smirked and looked down at himself, his open collar and loose blue tie, the fitted pants that he’d paid extra for, the white shirt that was crisp this morning but after 12 hours it was slightly gray around the edges and a little lackluster under the navy jacket. He shrugged. “What? This old thing.” Jack rolled his eyes but Alec could see him palm his crotch, and smirked. “Every time I wear it.”

  Jack pushed his chair back and moved slowly to Alec. “Yeah, well, maybe I want to fuck you in it every time you wear it.”

  Alec shook his head without looking up and turned a letter over in his hand, muttering, “And you wonder why our dry cleaning bill is so high.”

  “And yet, “ Jack stood in front of Alec, pushing one knee forwards to brush the inside of Alec’s thigh. Jack reached up with both hands and grasped Alec’s tie, eyeing the dip of Alec’s throat, as he murmured, “You keep wearing it.”

  Alec put down the pile of envelopes and relaxed back into the counter, arms held wide, leaning on the heels of his hands, a smile pulling at the edges of his lips. “Hmm, funny that.”

  They made it upstairs this time. Jack’s hands reached up under Alec’s jacket, pulled his shirt from his waistband and found the hot skin beneath as he they took the steps two at a time. Alec spun around when he reached the top, desperate to get his mouth on Jack’s, kissing him hard and deep, letting himself be guided back down the hall, until the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed.

  There had been a few weeks after they first moved in when they hadn’t made it from the kitchen counter. Alec bent over it, face pressed against the cold laminate surface, grasping the opposite side, Jack’s hands covering his, crushing Alec’s fingers into the blunt edge as he pulled himself forward with all his upper body strength, pounding into Alec; the pair of them grunting hard and loud and filthy.

  It took longer than it should have to realize that they really needed to be more mindful of their surroundings. Leaving the French doors in the lounge open to give Howie free rein to the yard, although convenient, also put the neighbors in danger of a spectacular audio experience every afternoon, and made things profoundly awkward when bumping into Mr. Johnson on the front lawn when collecting the Sunday paper. They were lucky their neighbors weren’t the attentive type or at least hadn’t had them busted them for public indecency.

  Alec reached up to remove his tie and shuck off his jacket, but Jack grasped his wrists and slid his mouth away from Alec’s lips to his ear and rasped, “Leave it on.” Alec shuddered and grabbed Jack’s head, gripping his jaw and dragging him back into a harsh kiss. Jack’s hands slid down to Alec’s waist and unbuckled his belt. When the fastenings clinked free, he pushed his fingers down the back of the waistband, smoothing his hands over Alec’s ass, pushing his pants and briefs down in one motion until Alec’s cheeks were bare and his cock sprang out, slapping against the bottom of his shirt. Jack’s huge hand splayed across Alec’s chest and pushed him back to sit on the edge of the bed.

  Alec looked up at him as Jack pulled the Henley he was wearing over his head and threw it away, not caring where it landed. It almost hurt Alec to look at Jack like this, not only because of the miles of tanned beautiful skin over all that muscle that made his balls clench and his heart pound, but seeing the jagged white scars running up from his wrists almost to his elbows made him remember how close he’d come to losing Jack.

  They were better, certainly fading with time. The operation to repair the tendon damage in Jack’s left hand had gone well, although he would never have entirely all the strength back. The surgeons also managed to do a better job of sewing him together than the emergency doctors had done and the main wound was now straighter, thinner and looked less obvious among the other spidery pink lines. The damage to the right hadn’t been as bad. Neither of them wanted to analyze why.

  Jack was still self-conscious about them. He would spend far too long massaging in oils and miracle cures, trying to rub them invisible until Alec physically stopped him, pulling his hands away and kissing his wrists and telling Jack how perfect he was, until Jack cried and stopped saying, “I’m sorry.” He would occasionally wear something short-sleeved, if it was just the two of them, but those types of clothes were few and far between in his wardrobe now. Even at home, he almost always wore shirts with the sleeves rolled up so he could cover himself if anyone dropped by unexpectedly.

  Alec was pretty sure it was only him, the doctors, and Jack’s occupational therapist who had actually seen the scars. An accidental glance from a cashier or from a student if Jack was reaching for a book in the library, would make Jack quiet and morose for days, until Alec threatened to give him a giant hickey so
people ‘would really have something to stare at.’

  Jack pulled open the button fly of his jeans, just to relieve the pressure and then pushed Alec’s knees apart. He lowered himself to the floor in between them and licked a long wet stripe up the underside of Alec’s cock, the force of it pushing Alec back, leaning on his elbows.

  Alec let his head fall back between his shoulder blades and his eyes close as Jack swallowed him down, languidly rising and lowering, lips humming around him, Jack’s hands gripping his hips and holding him tight to stop him from bucking up. Unable to think or do anything, Alec gasped as Jack brought him closer and closer, until he was too close. He put a hand on Jack’s neck, pulled him up and kissed him, sloppy and breathlessly; tasting himself on Jack’s wet mouth.

  Even before Alec managed to get completely face down on the bed, Jack had his lubed fingers working their way inside him. Alec groaned and pressed back. He attempted to free himself from his pants, which were still bunched around his lower legs, but Jack crowded over him and whispered low in his ear, “I said, ‘leave them on,’” and then rammed his cock inside Alec in one smooth motion. Alec cried out and pushed back, taking all of Jack, but still wanting more, feeling Jack’s bare thighs against the back of his own, feeling hot naked skin through his sweat soaked shirt, the fabric of his jacket bunching up under his armpits, pulling uncomfortably at him as Jack rocked deeper. Jack’s arm was crooked over Alec’s head, his face buried in Alec’s shirt collar gasping and growling out, “God, Al, you feel so good, so tight. Ah! I wanna do this forever. Fuck you like this. Wanna come inside you until I’m all that’s inside you—Jesus!”

  “Yes—Fuck, Jack, yes!”

  Sex hadn’t always been so good between them since they moved to Austin. At first Jack had been fragile. Maybe not as fragile as Alec had believed, treating him like a china doll, reverent and so cautious it had infuriated Jack at times; but they agreed to go slow. The memories of what had happened and the guilt that swamped the both of them when Jack confessed that it was what had happened at the house when Alec had come to say goodbye—knocking Alec down, fucking him on the hallway floor, not giving a damn that he was blood, was his brother—that had pushed him over the edge. The realization that he wanted Alec no matter what and that they could never be together, had brought the despair down on him. And even after Alicia had confessed to him in the hospital that she had made the whole thing up, the guilt had lingered.