Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  So, for a while being intimate was careful, occasionally awkward, but they kept talking and then about six months in they had been at a party. It was Matt’s birthday and they had sat out in Matt’s backyard, watching David incinerating some poor chicken on the barbecue and Phil trying to wrestle the tongs away from him, feeling the warm breeze carry music and their laughter around the backyard. Halfway through the afternoon, they realized they felt relaxed around each other, physically, in a way they hadn’t experienced since arriving in Austin. They ducked out early, just as the real drinking was starting and barely made it out of the car before they were ripping at each other’s clothes, hot and heavy, Alec on his knees, sucking Jack’s dick like he was starving for it before the front door was even fully closed.

  Now the only thing that Alec thought about when Jack was fucking him was the size of him, how full and right it felt, and how the guy was a goddamn genius that he could hit that spot. Every. Single. Stroke. And how he could feel it when Jack started to come apart, his unsteady rhythm, the way all his filthy words dried up and became a meaningless crescendo of sounds that made his own orgasm blossom and scream out of him, his ass tightening so hard it made Jack cry out. His fingers digging into Alec’s flesh as the sensation forced out his orgasm, and he came inside Alec.

  They lay together, breathing hard until Alec made a small whiny noise and shifted, making Jack realize that he was indeed crushing the life out of him. Jack smiled against Alec’s neck, kissed it and rolled slowly off and out of him. He grabbed the t-shirt lying on the floor next to the bed and roughly wiped himself off before rolling a boneless and grumbling, still suited but disheveled Alec over and did the same. He was rough at first but then gentler as he bent to kiss him, soft and slow until Alec was almost purring into his mouth. Jack pulled away and looked down at him.

  Alec smiled, brushing Jack’s bangs back to hook behind his ear. “Y’know the dry cleaner thinks I’m a hooker, don’t you?” Jack laughed and kissed him, making Alec smile wider. “I’m fucking starving. Tell me dinner is ready by now.”

  Jack shook his head but smiled. “Christ, there’s no satisfying some people!” He glanced at his watch. “Quick shower and then yes, it’ll be ready.”

  Jack’s shower was quick. He ducked out, laughing, shortly after Alec soaping his back had become Alec’s fingers in his ass but before he was too distracted to forget dinner was in the oven. Alec had protested but Jack had reminded him that he was the one who complained about needing to be fed.

  When Alec made it downstairs, in a loose grey t-shirt and sweatpants, Jack was back in his jeans and spooning chili that smelt so thick and spicy it could had been made by angels into two bowls. He glanced up and smiled and then nodded at an envelope on the counter. “Did you see the note from Ethan? He sent pictures.”

  Alec pulled the letter out and the two photographs attached to it. With everything that had been going on between the two of them that last few weeks in Lubbock, Ethan and Kate had waited until Alec was settled to tell him that Kate was pregnant. But Alec had been the first one Ethan had called after Lucy was born.

  They’d been back to see them and even though babies weren’t exactly Alec’s thing, seeing the tiny girl curled up in Jack’s giant arms, made him feel strangely proud.

  In one photograph was Lucy smiling her goofy toothless smile at the camera, wearing the hat with pink ducks that Alec had sent a couple of weeks before. In the other, Lucy was in Kate’s arms, with Ethan holding them both close, while holding up the camera and taking the picture with his free hand.

  Alec scanned the short note and raised his eyes at the last part. “What tests?” He looked up at Jack and held out the letter. “What does he mean tests?”

  Jack smiled and rolled his eyes. “It’s just a routine thing, Babe, she’s fine.”

  Alec scowled at the paper. “So you say. She’s too tiny to have to deal with any of that stuff.”

  Jack scoffed and walked over to the far side of the kitchen to root about for napkins. “It’s just a hernia, Alec, it’s common. The tests and the surgery are routine. You worry too much.”

  “Yeah, I worry. Babies aren’t exactly sturdy you know—look at you and your—never mind.” Alec felt himself flush, damning his mind for even going there.

  Jack barely reacted, just sucked a splash of chili from the side of his hand, “Me and my what?” Alec shrugged but Jack pressed, “Alec, what?”

  “The thing—” Alec said, resigned and apologetic. “The thing when you ended up in the hospital when you were a baby.” Jack stared at him confused. Alec turned and leaned his hands on the counter. “The thing? You got an infection or something, and nearly died and were in the hospital?”

  Jack’s mouth turned down at the edges and shook his head. “Nope. Not me.” He placed the napkins on the tray and then nodded. “Oh, I know what you mean. No, that wasn’t me. That was Allie.”

  Alec felt an icy band slip around his chest. “No. Allie said it was you.”

  Jack laughed and started to pick through the cutlery tray for matching spoons. “No. It was always the allegorical ‘don’t run with scissors’ story when I was small. I was crying in my crib, Allie decided to run and check on me while holding a stick or pen or whatever she was not supposed to have at the time, managed to trip and cut herself. It seemed okay but by the next morning her temperature was so high she had a seizure. Dad—John rushed her to the hospital and she had an infection—” He waved his hand in a blahblahblah motion. “She was fine though. And anyway, this is nothing like that! Lucy is going to be just fine—”

  Alec knew that Jack kept talking. He could see his mouth moving, his easy body language cheerfully moving around their kitchen, in their house, making their dinner, talking about their lives together, but the icy band around his chest had clamped down so hard he could barely breathe, blocking out the sounds with the realization.

  As Jack turned and smiled and chatted, Alec could see it, he knew he had always seen it. The dark eyes, the chin, the broad smile, dimples and all, the broad shoulders. All John’s. Unmistakably John’s. Unmistakably his father’s son. He closed his eyes and wished it away, wished that he had never seen it, never thought it.

  “Alec? Are you okay?” Jack placed a hand over his.

  Alec opened his eyes and stared into Jack’s concerned face. “Yes—” he croaked out, “Yes, I just worry. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her.”

  Jack’s face fell. He leaned over the counter and pressed his forehead to Alec’s. “It’s not going to happen. Everything’s going to be okay. She’s tougher than you think. I promise.”

  Alec swallowed, fighting back the terror and tears and the memory of white skin on a carpet of red, his mind screaming over and over He can never know. He can never know. He tilted his head forward, placing a chaste kiss on Jack’s lips. “You know I love you, don’t you? And that nothing will ever change that. Nothing.”

  Jack kissed him and carded his fingers through Alec’s hair. “I know, Babe. I know. Which is why I’ve decided I’m going to finally get that tattoo of Lady Gaga on my ass.” His eyes sparkled with wickedness. “I just really think it’s time to proclaim my undying love for her, and as you won’t mind—” He grinned, and Alec couldn’t help but shake his head and smile back.

  Jack pushed off the counter and pulled off the tray of food and headed for the comfort of the couch. Alec could hear him as he flicked on the TV, still chuckling at his stupid joke, blessedly oblivious to Alec’s inner turmoil.

  Alec sat at the counter for just a beat, before he took a deep breath and stood, muttering, “I can live with that. I think I can live with that.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Alec kept saying the words. Repeating them like a mantra. But the more he said them the more he knew they weren’t true. He couldn’t live with it.

  Two weeks later, two weeks after he had realized that Alicia had lied to him; fourteen days after looking at Jack and realizing that the thing that h
ad come between them, the thing that Jack couldn’t live with, that he had tried to end his life over, was not resolved.

  Alec was barely holding it together.

  At first, he had been sure that he could just go on; take the burden of knowledge on himself, but it wasn’t that easy.

  He found himself over analyzing everything he said to Jack, thinking that maybe Jack would pick up on some clue that would give away his secret. Alec couldn’t sleep. He spent his nights wracking his brain to decipher every word Alicia had said to him, everything Jack had told him, looking for some clue that would negate the horrible truth.

  He couldn’t concentrate at work. Twice he’d come moments away from sending incorrect information to clients, and in one case, almost sending sensitive information to the wrong client. His finger was hovering over the send button before he realized that he was about to break about a hundred different confidentiality laws and get everyone sued.

  He held Jack a little closer, kissed him a little harder and tried not to appear too earnest but Jack looked at him sometimes like he knew something was up. He didn’t say anything until the night Howie decided he wanted to lie with his head on Alec’s lap, rather than Jack’s. Even then it was an ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ and Jack accepted the ‘Yeah, I’m fine’ without question.

  Jack was his usual self. He was cheerful and beautiful, and watching him go about his day hurt Alec’s heart. It wasn’t that Alec cared about—well, about sharing a father. He didn’t think it mattered at all. Neither of them had known John. Neither had a shared memories of family, of growing up together. There was never going to be any offspring to worry about, never any awkward family get-togethers. The only thing that connected them was genetics. And they had fallen in love a long time before knowing that was even a possibility.

  “When did you know?”

  Alec pulled his eyes away from the laptop balanced on his shins as he sat cross-legged on the sun lounger in the backyard. The sun was still high in the sky but it was cool enough to sit out and catch up on some work, and sticking to the shade and wearing a loose black shirt reduced the glare on the screen. It was rare that they had time together like this, both being so busy with work and college, and Alec was determined to not let his stupid anxiety ruin the day.

  Alec looked over at Jack. He was lying flat out in the full sun on another lounger a few feet away, bronzed skin glistening with sweat, wearing only an obscenely small pair of speedos, one hand dangling down, absently stroking Howie, who lay on his side, panting in Jack’s shade. “When did I know what?”

  Jack smirked and squinted one eye open, against the bright light. “When did you know you’d love me for all eternity?”

  Alec laughed and went back to filling in his spreadsheet. “Shut up. God, have you been watching that ridiculous soap again?”

  Jack smiled and settled back into the fabric of the sunbed. “No. And it’s not ridiculous, just—okay maybe it’s ridiculous, but no. I was remembering when I knew and I was curious.”

  Alec sighed and pressed delete on the last three entries he’d made. Jack was more than a little distracting at the best of times but with his cock bulging under that tiny piece of fabric—this was going to take him all night. “Oh really? And when was that?” he asked, absently.

  “The night I met you.”

  Alec laughed. It came out harsh and derisive and when he glanced over at Jack he immediately regretted it. Jack’s face wasn’t hurt exactly but he looked wary, and oddly serious. Alec opened his mouth to apologize but Jack went on, “I thought you were so gorgeous when you just appeared like that. Allie—Allie said you were cute but—and then you were helping me out of the car—”

  “You remember that?” Alec couldn’t help the surprise in his voice.

  Jack shrugged, “It came back to me, in bits and pieces, y’know? Anyway, you were just so—kind—what you said. I couldn’t quite believe you were real, and then when we were walking to the house, I slipped, and you put your hand on my chest,” without opening his eyes, Jack placed his own hand over his sternum and held it there, “and I knew. Anybody else would have let me fall; left my drunken ass on the walkway. But I stumbled and you caught me and I tried to touch you, to keep your hand there but you took it away and I knew it didn’t matter because I loved you.” Jack lifted his head and squinted at Alec again, his face breaking out into a massive smile. “But then I was utterly, utterly wasted.”

  Alec closed the lid of his laptop and slid down to kneel next to Jack. He placed his hand over Jack’s, still resting on his chest and kissed him, gentle and closed mouthed at first but then soft and wet, letting his tongue seek comfort between Jack’s lips. Then whispering, he said, “I will always catch you. Always. But if you don’t get your sweaty ass in the house right now so I can fuck you, I am going to have to do it in front of the neighbors and go to jail.”

  Ten minutes later, with the obscene trunks having been flung who knows where, and Alec’s shirt hanging from his elbows, Jack’s fingers clawed up his back to dig into his shoulders. Jack was deep inside as Alec straddled him, thighs burning as he raised himself up and down the length of Jack’s cock. Their hands slipping on each other’s sweat slick skin, Jack asked him again, breathless this time, “When did you know?”

  Alec almost choked, as Jack rocked his hips and scraped against Alec’s prostate. “That—uh—that night—undressing you—Jesus—wanting to kiss you, taste you, crawl in next to y—you—oh God, I love you, Jack—you know that I love you, don’t you?”

  Jack’s reply was one hand on Alec’s cock and the other around his waist, hips and hands taking Alec apart so perfectly. But even in that moment, so perfect between the two of them, all Alec could think was he can never know, he can never know.

  The following afternoon, Phil stuck his head around Alec’s office door just as he was leaning down to shut off his computer. “Matt says you’re taking off for a couple of days. Everything okay?”

  Alec shrugged. He wanted to say, No. No, nothing is okay. I’m terrified every minute of the day that the man I love is going to find out that his sister lied to him and he’s going to try and kill himself again because he can’t bear to be with me because we’re brothers. Instead, he smiled, and said, “Mom’s not been feeling too good. I wanna swing home and see her. And drop in on Ethan too. Lucy’s surgery is next week.”

  Phil nodded. He looked unconvinced. “So, you’re sure everything’s alright?”

  Alec pulled his jacket from the back of his chair and pulled it on. “Yes? Why wouldn’t it be?” Phil shrugged and looked at the floor. Alec scowled at him. “No way. Don’t do that. What is it?”

  Phil sighed, “I don’t know, man. It’s just these last few days you seem—off. I’m a bit worried about you.” Alec went to open his mouth and spill the thoroughly prepared I’m totally fine speech that he had been rehearsing in his head but Phil cut him off, “Jack’s been worried too. I know you’ve been going to your meetings but—”

  “Wait. You’ve spoken to Jack?” Alec was more shocked than upset.

  “Yeah—I needed to ask him something,”

  “What the fuck, Phil!”

  “Oh my God, you’re not serious.”

  “You two having cozy chats behind my back!”

  “Jesus, Alec!” Phil glanced out into the corridor and then quickly shut the door. He turned and held out his hands, in supplication, with a what the actual fuck! look on his face. “See. This is what I mean. What the hell is up with you?”

  Alec covered his face with his hands and took a breath. “Sorry. I’m—sorry. I just—I’m not sleeping. I think—It’s the fucking Williamson specs, they make no sense—I’ll be back Friday. Hopefully the break will do me good.”

  Phil let his hands drop to his hips but he still didn’t look entirely convinced. “Okay. But you promise you’ll talk to me. If you need to talk? And I can shift some of the workload, if you need me to.”

  Alec waved the suggestion away. “Thanks
man, but I think everyone else has just as much to do as me.” Phil nodded and turned to leave, as Alec picked up his bag and added, “So what was it you needed to ask Jack about?”

  Phil stopped with his hand on the door handle. He paused and then swung back around, looking anxious. Alec quirked an eyebrow at him, and Phil stumbled out, “Ah, well, you see I wasn’t sure about what to say, or if I should say anything at all but then you know what she gets like and so I thought I should just see what Jack thought—”

  “Phil. You’re freaking me out, man.”

  Phil stopped and looked him straight in the eye. “Stella is coming into town tomorrow. She wants to see you.”

  <•••>

  The drive went far too quickly. Alec tried to concentrate on driving and not thinking but it wasn’t easy. By the time he pulled up in front of Alicia’s house, he wasn’t sure if his legs would hold him when he got out of the car. He cursed them when they did.

  Walking up to the front door was much harder than he had imagined it was going to be. He trudged up the steps, trying to block out the memory of the last time he’d climbed them. The breath burning his lungs, panic screaming through him, Jack’s neat handwriting burnt onto his retinas—don’t hate me—and when he got to the front door, recalling the way his fingers had felt numb as he’d fumbled the keys, trying to bite back the thought that it was too late, that he was too late.