Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  Alec took a breath and rang the doorbell, stepping back and looking out, looking for the differences rather than the familiarities. It had been a year and things were different. The house had a new coat of paint, and the planting out front was taller and fuller. The street seemed quieter somehow, fewer parked cars; the only people out on the street were two women pushing strollers.

  The door creaked behind him and Alec whipped around, tension gripping tight in his chest. Alicia swung the door open and for a moment they stared at each other. She looked good, her skin golden and clear, accentuated by the light blue summer dress that skimmed her curves and fluttered around her knees. She looked nervous, her lips trying to curl into a smile. “Hi, Alec.”

  Alec swallowed. “You cut your hair.”

  Alicia looked down self-consciously and put a hand to the nape of her neck where the pixie cut ended. “Um, yeah.” She blushed.

  “It looks—good. You look good—I mean—” Alec stumbled. He really wanted to be able to compliment her without thinking about everything that had happened between them. No matter what, Jack was still her brother and they had hurt her. Despite whatever else went on, he still felt he had treated her unfairly.

  “Thanks,” she said and stepped back. “Come in. You want some coffee or iced tea or something?”

  Alec trailed after her through the lounge, taking in the way everything seemed the same underneath despite a thousand tiny changes. The cushions were a different color. She had moved all her DVDs onto the bookshelf that used to hold Jack’s console and games. There was a new rug and a cat scratching post in the corner.

  “Water’s fine. Did you get a cat?”

  “Um. Well, I got a boyfriend. The cat kinda came with.”

  Alec opened his mouth to let forth the thousand protective questions that sprang into his mind, but his mind went blank when he stepped into the kitchen and saw his mother sitting at the table nursing a tall glass of ice tea. He halted in the doorway, his blood turning a similar temperature, as a sheen of perspiration broke out on his upper lip. “Mom? What the hell are you doing—?”

  “Allie called me. Told me you were coming.” She glanced at Alicia who was pouring water from a filter jug into a glass full of ice. The women’s eyes met and all the air went out of Alec’s lungs, when his mom continued, “We had an idea what was so important you had to drive all this way to ask it, and figured I should be here too.”

  Alec didn’t say anything. He could feel his knees losing their integrity and managed to step forward, pull out a chair and slump into it before they did. He stared at nothing, until Alicia put the glass of water on the table in front of him and took a seat next to his mother.

  “You know.” He wasn’t sure if he meant the words as an accusation or affirmation but they were barely audible. Alicia’s hand went to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears and His mom took hold of her other, squeezing it hard. “Oh God. You knew this whole time.”

  “Oh, Alec, sweetheart—” His mom’s eyes were glistening too. She reached out her other hand across the table, palm facing up. Alec stared at it before covering his eyes. She pulled her hand back, recoiling from the rejection.

  Alicia took hold of it instead, saying, “Actually, we don’t know anything.”

  Alec pulled his hand down far enough that he could glare over the top of his fingers at her before pulling it away and placing it flat on the table. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “What happened, Alec? What made you come all the way up here?”

  “What happened? Jesus. What happened was I found out your bullshit story about Jack not being my brother because of your mom—because of that other guy, is just that. Bullshit. And if Jack—if Jack finds out—” Alec felt like he was barely keeping it together and having to say the words out loud like that, it made them too real and he had to clamp a hand over his mouth before he started to blub like a baby.

  Alicia shook her head. “It’s not bullshit, it’s just—what I said happened just—”

  “Just that it was you, not Jack, right? Yeah, he told me.”

  “Yes, but you don’t get it.” There was a hard edge to Alicia’s voice that made Alec look up. She was glaring at him. “They tested me, tested my blood. There’s no chance that John is—was my father,” Alec’s mom squeezed her hand even tighter, trying to will her to keep going even though Alicia’s voice seemed solid and sure, “But they never tested Jack.”

  She stared at Alec, expectant. But all Alec could think about was how he wished he could go back to that first morning, sitting here, listening to the shower running in the room above, imagining how the water moved over Jack’s unblemished body, their want for each other still unspoken and unsullied.

  He came out of his stupor when Alicia turned to Alec’s mom and said, “Maybe I should call Jack, get him to—”

  “No.” His mom was quiet but firm. “He has to do it himself.”

  “Do what?”

  Both women turned to look at him. His mom leaned on the table with both elbows and bent towards him. “Talk to Jack. You have to talk to Jack.”

  Alec felt his body spark with horror and he couldn’t stay seated. He jumped up and stepped away from them. “No! No. Are you crazy!” I thought he was dead “There’s no way” All that blood “Don’t you remember what happened last time?” I can’t lose him, I can’t.

  Alicia looked distraught. “Helen, please, can’t we—”

  But Helen put a hand on her forearm, hushing her, not taking her eyes off her son. “Alec, if you love Jack, if you want to have half a chance at happiness with him, you have to talk to him!” Alec turned away from her, putting his hands on the top of his head as if it might stop his brain from exploding, but she went on, “The reason he— the reason it all went so wrong last time is because you didn’t talk to each other. Didn’t say the things you were really feeling. If you think not talking is going to turn out any better this time, you’re wrong, Alec. Really wrong.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Alec drove back to Austin that night.

  He had fully intended to stay, to see Ethan and Kate and the baby, maybe head back the following day after hitting the meeting, catching up with Steve and the old crowd. But after the shock of seeing his mother and getting nothing from Alicia other than her mother’s affair had come out after Jack was born, so there was a chance and she had just taken it—he couldn’t stay. He’d jumped straight back in the car and headed for home.

  But the closer he got, the less able he felt to face Jack. He was a mess. His head was swimming and he was swinging between tearful and full-on rage. Jack would know instantly that something was really wrong and then he would have no choice but to talk to him. Alec had texted him before he left Lubbock to say that he was running low on battery so he’d call him tomorrow, and then turned his phone off just to be sure he didn’t call. When he got to the freeway exit that would take him home, instead of taking it, he just kept driving.

  Twenty minutes later, he sat looking at the fingers twisting in his lap, in a parking lot on the other side of town from Jack and Howie and his life and he didn’t know how the hell he was going to get back there without ruining it all for good.

  Alec glanced at the time flashing blue on the dash. 10:02pm. It was late. He pulled the wallet from his pocket and slowly unfolded the scrap of paper Phil had handed him the day before. He paused for a moment to look at the time again. 10:03pm. He turned on his phone and dialed the number scrawled on it, and didn’t have to wait long before he heard a voice on the other end. It made his chest hitch and he stammered out, “I-I know it’s late, I just—I didn’t know who else to call.”

  The all-night diner smelt of stale coffee and lemon-scented disinfectant. The table was still tacky from where the waitress had wiped it clean after he sat down when Stella came in. She stood by the door and looked around for a long moment, before Alec had the presence of mind to raise his hand and wave to her.

  The place was nearly emp
ty but he’d chosen a booth near the back, with less chance of someone wandering by to overhear them. She looked good, a little older, a little thinner, with a veneer of tired and worried barely obscuring it. Alec wanted to punch himself for doing that to her. Again.

  But when she saw him, she smiled and she was his Stella again, same smile, same bouncing walk, just the same, just as beautiful—“So, I don’t even get a fucking ‘hello’ after you drag me out here in the middle of the fucking night?”—and just as blunt, it seemed. She was beaming when she said it but when she saw Alec’s eyes well with tears, she shook her head and slid into the booth opposite him, taking tight hold of his forearms. “Oh God, Babe, I’m—it’s okay, Sweetie. It is. I promise.”

  Alec looked at the table and managed to keep it together when the waitress came to take their order but once she was gone, he closed his eyes and all he could say was, “Oh God Stella, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” She tried to shush him and soothe him but he only stopped repeating it when the waitress returned with their drinks. Alec opened his eyes and took Stella’s left hand in his. He turned the diamond back and forth on her ring finger, making it glint in the harsh diner light.

  “His name’s Mark. He’s a graphic designer. You’d like him. Will like him, hopefully.”

  Alec nodded. “How long?”

  Stella sighed but he could hear the smile in it, even if he was too chicken to actually look at her face. “A year. Wendy introduced us. You remember Wendy? Anyway, he asked me last week and I thought—I thought it was time, y’know?”

  Alec dragged his eyes off the engagement ring and looked at her. She looked happy. He couldn’t really remember the last time she had looked like that. They had emailed a few times but never with much detail about their private lives. He didn’t really want to hear about her dating and had nothing to tell in that arena himself. It made him feel equal parts happy for her, and jealous that she was with someone other than him, but also that she had moved on and was doing great, while he was still managing to fuck everything up. Alec opened his mouth to apologize again but she held up a hand between them.

  “If you say you’re sorry one more time, Al and I’m going to slap you. Understand?”

  Alec smiled despite himself. “Yes ma’am.”

  Stella let the corners of her mouth turn up and jostled the arm she was still gripping. “And what about you? What the hell is going on? From what Phil has said you’ve found the perfect guy and everything is going —” She stopped when she saw his eyes fill with tears again. “Oh Lord. Tell me everything. Start at the beginning and tell me. We’ll figure it out.”

  Alec took a deep breath and blew it out hard. “Okay, but—okay. I guess it started when I was out with Ethan, my sponsor, I wrote you about him?” Stella nodded, “Well, we were out and I got talking to this girl. Alicia—”

  “I think I’m going to need pie for this,” Stella interrupted. “Do we need pie?” Alec nodded and took a big mouthful of coffee while she signaled to the waitress.

  Stella was always good at this. She sat and nodded and asked short, to-the-point questions at the right moments to clarify who said what to whom and when. She didn’t berate him when he admitted sleeping with Jack behind Alicia’s back and she didn’t say anything at all when he told her about finding Jack lying in a pool of his own blood. She just covered her mouth and let him keep going. He told her everything, every feeling, every doubt, everything.

  The clench of pure happiness that seized him at the way Jack squeaked when they had walked Howie to the car the day they had picked him up from the shelter, and he’d thought We’re a family now. Alec told her of the crushing pain of holding Jack as he wept, after some religious nut had gone off at him about the sacredness of life when he had seen Jack’s scars, and how Jack had run out, leaving the dry cleaning at the counter in his hurry to get away. It all just flowed out of him, like he’d been holding it all in one gelatinous lump and once he’d started he couldn’t stop, it all had to go.

  He talked and talked, and at some point he realized that this felt like the first real conversation he’d had in a long time even though he was the only one talking.

  When he got to the conversation with his mother and Alicia that morning, Stella nodded, and Alec said, “And I drove home. Except, I couldn’t go home. I didn’t know what to do. So I just sat in the car and I was trying to think who would know what to do, and who was the smartest person I knew—”

  “And so you called them.” Stella smiled and leaned back in the booth.

  Alec nodded solemnly. “Yes, yes I did. But they didn’t pick up so I called you instead.”

  Stella huffed out a laugh and her mouth curled up but there was no weight behind either action. She turned the dregs of her chamomile tea, making shapes on the table with the sweat from the mug and thought for a moment. Alec sat back and watched her. His eyes fell on the thin white scar that crept out from under a clump of hair at her temple and he felt something break inside him.

  Stella shrugged and looked up. “Well, if you really want my advice?” Alec nodded. “Well, three things, I guess.

  “First, Alicia is right. You don’t know anything for certain so surely that has to mean something to Jack. If he’s the kind of person you think he is—that you just described to me—then he’s not an idiot. Plus, he’s not in the same place emotionally as he was a year ago. Neither of you are.

  “Which I guess leads to point two. I know you don’t like it—but your mom is right. You need to talk to him. I know you think you had some kind of communication with him last year but I’m telling you now, you didn’t. You really didn’t. You need to sit down with him and talk. Like this. Tell him every stupid detail of what you’re thinking and how you feel and I swear to you, it won’t be as bad as you think it’s going to be.”

  She sat back in her seat and held out her palms for a second before shrugging again. Alec didn’t take his eyes off her. He kept his arms resting on the table and regarded her for a moment. He felt like he should have known. When they were together he could never figure out why she and his mother didn’t get along better, they agreed on every fucking thing.

  “You said three things.”

  Stella smiled. “All the years I’ve known you—I think that’s the most words you’ve ever said to me. Ones that counted for something, anyway.”

  He slumped back in the booth smiling at the joke but when Stella leaned forward, her face serious, Alec realized she wasn’t kidding. “Alec, you keep everything in. Too much. I think it’s why things went bad between us—not that it was all you,” she added quickly. “I just mean that you never talked about anything that bothered you and I was—I didn’t think to ask. And look how that turned out.” She gave him a pointed look but there was no malice or recrimination in it, only fact.

  “Go home, Alec.” Stella slid out of the booth, dragging her coat along the seat behind her. Alec sat up and started to protest, but she shook her head. “Go home. It’s—” she checked her watch, “Christ, it’s one in the morning. I have to drive back to Dallas in a few hours.” She shoved her arms into the sleeves of her coat, freeing her long hair from the collar with the flick of both wrists. “Go home to your man and talk to him! I’m back in a couple of weeks with Mark. I’ll call you and let you know when, and then the four of us can go out and have a very awkward, very expensive dinner—on you! You owe me, Clark.”

  She smiled down at him and he felt overwhelmed by it. She was only just close enough but Alec reached out and grabbed her, throwing his arms around her waist and pulling her in. He buried his face in her waist and mumbled, “I know I do. I really, really do.”

  She bent and kissed the top of his head, and Alec released her. “Very expensive dinner. See you later, honey. Go home!”

  And then she was gone. The waitress came over to pick up the empty plates and when she started to refill his coffee mug, he didn’t stop her.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  There was a hint of light i
n the sky by the time Alec put his key in the lock. As usual, Howie pounded down the hallway to greet him. Less usual was Jack doing the same right behind him.

  “Oh thank God! Where the fuck have you been!” He launched himself at Alec, words and actions violent with worry and relief. “Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me.”

  Alec let himself be smothered in Jack’s embrace, feeling safe pressed against his heaving chest until he started to feel like Jack was actually going to crush him to death.

  “Jack, I’m fine. What’s gotten into you?”

  It wasn’t until he took a step back that he could see his amazing plan to prevent Jack from worrying was, in fact, a spectacular failure. Jack’s face was drawn and pale and Alec didn’t want to think about what the red rings around his eyes meant.

  “I’ve been trying to call you all night and I couldn’t get through, so I thought I’d call Ethan so he could give you the message but then he said you didn’t show and I had no idea where you could be and I rang and rang—”

  “Holy shit, Jack. I’m so sorry! Oh God, I’m an idiot.”

  “I just kept thinking maybe you got into an accident on the way back or—”

  “Oh Jesus.” Alec stepped back into Jack and yanked him in, holding him tight. They stayed that way until Howie gave out a melodramatic yawn and Jack huffed a laugh into Alec’s neck. Jack kissed him on the mouth and despite his better judgment, knowing the things he would have to say—the truths that were about to come out—he opened his lips and let Jack slide right in. Alec clutched the sides of Jack’s head, fingers wound tight in Jack’s long hair, as teeth and tongues and the whole hard line of their bodies grinding against each other until it was all too much, too close to it ending with them falling naked to the ground.

  Alec pulled away. “Need coffee,” he mumbled.

  Jack nodded and pushed away, smiling. “And to brush your teeth. You taste like you drank a Starbucks already.”