Shoplifting From American Apparel

by Tao Lin

  On New Year’s Eve Sam lay on his mattress in Brooklyn reading short stories. He heard fireworks outside. He stood on his mattress and stared out his window at a deli.

  Around 11:30 p.m. he got a text message from Kaitlyn: “2008 drunk by 8.”

  After midnight he got a text message from Mallory: “2008 feels insane.”

  Sam grinned and text messaged: “It does. Feels like 2040 or something.” He showered and dried himself. He lay on his mattress and thought about writing a novel about working hard and becoming rich and living alone in a giant house in Florida. Loneliness and depression would be defeated with a king-size bed, an expensive stereo system, a drum set, a bike, an unlimited supply of organic produce and coconuts, and maybe calmly playing an online role-playing game. Each day the person in the novel would lay in sunlight on the living room carpet listening to music in “surround-sound” while drinking iced coffee. At night the person would ride a bike around the neighborhood or drink smoothies while taking very long baths.

  A few days later Sam met Kaitlyn in Williamsburg to go to the annual work party for the organic vegan restaurant where he worked. Kaitlyn had a “Synergy” brand kombucha in her jacket pocket. She said she dropped it earlier and it made a very loud noise and people looked at her. “Drop it now,” said Sam. “No,” said Kaitlyn. Sam tried to take the kombucha and it went further into Kaitlyn’s jacket pocket. “I can’t get it, why is it sliding away,” said Sam. “Stop trying to grab my kombucha,” said Kaitlyn laughing. A few minutes later Sam gained control of Kaitlyn’s kombucha and dropped it and it made a very loud noise.

  The work party was at a taco restaurant with a bar. Keith looked at Sam and Kaitlyn and gave Sam four drink tickets. Sam and Kaitlyn put food on plates and sat at the bar and ordered mojitos. Kaitlyn drank hers quickly. Sam drank his slowly.

  There was a Magic 8-Ball on the bar.

  “Is Kaitlyn going to get drunk tonight?” said Sam.

  The 8-Ball said “doubtful.”

  “Is Sam going to get drunk tonight?” said Kaitlyn.

  The 8-Ball said “doubtful.”

  “Is the owner going to get drunk?” said Sam.

  The 8-Ball said “chances are good” the owner of the organic vegan restaurant Sam worked at would get drunk. The owner was in her fifties. Sam said the owner wasn’t a vegan because her doctor had told her to eat meat. Sam saw the owner walking alone about thirty feet away, taller than everyone else. “I got really drunk last week when I was home in Michigan,” said Kaitlyn. “I went into a park to go to sleep but then I got up and walked ten blocks to a hospital.”

  “What,” said Sam quietly while grinning.

  “Is corn in the same food group as grains?” he said.

  “Probably,” said Kaitlyn.

  “Tell the DJ to play rap,” said Sam.

  Kaitlyn went and told the DJ to play Lil Wayne.

  “He said ‘no,’ ” said Kaitlyn grinning at Sam.

  They left the bar and sat on a sofa facing the bar. “Do you think those two girls standing by that guy are going to make out?” said Kaitlyn.

  “That’s a man,” said Sam.

  Kaitlyn took out stationery she bought earlier that day. Sam waved at Paula who was talking to Matt. “Do you want stationery?” said Kaitlyn a few minutes later to Paula. “I want stationery,” said Sam. Briana walked by and knocked over Sam’s mojito which was on the floor. Briana walked away. “Did people get really drunk last year?” said Sam.

  “Ben got really drunk and fell down,” said Paula.

  “That’s funny,” said Sam. “I wish he would fall down now.”

  Paula looked at Sam with a concerned facial expression.

  “Ben is in Brazil right now,” said Sam slowly.

  “That’s right, Ben is in Brazil, so he isn’t here,” said Paula.

  “That’s funny,” said Sam. “Ben fell down.”

  Paula walked away. Sam took Kaitlyn’s hat and put it over his face. “Stop, you’re stretching it,” said Kaitlyn. They went to the bar and Kaitlyn ordered a Jack and Coke and Sam ordered another mojito. They went to the front of the restaurant and looked at everyone. Paula was at a table with tarot cards opposite Laura and Laura’s boyfriend. Let’s go back to the sofa,” said Kaitlyn. “It’s the best spot.” They went to the sofa then went to the bar. Sam introduced Kaitlyn to Matt. Sam looked at Kaitlyn’s face as she talked to Matt. Keith gave Sam and Kaitlyn two more drink tickets. Matt walked away. José-Manuel came out of a bathroom and looked at Kaitlyn then stared at Sam. “José-Manuel,” said Sam. “Sam,” said José-Manuel and patted Sam’s shoulder and walked away. Kaitlyn ordered a mystery drink. “Mystery drink?” said the bartender.

  “Is the bartender drunk?” said Kaitlyn.

  The 8-Ball said “chances are good.”

  “Look at the owner,” said Sam. “She is dancing alone, lost in her drunkenness.”

  Kaitlyn laughed and said “That’s sad.”

  “I think she’s just confused,” said Sam.

  They left the bar and sat on the sofa. Sam took Kaitlyn’s mystery drink and put some in his mojito and some fell on the sofa. The mystery drink was red. The man Kaitlyn thought was a girl looked at the sofa and said something. Sam made a guilty facial expression at Kaitlyn.

  They walked to where Paula was sitting with her tarot cards.

  “Am I next,” said Sam staring at the table.

  “You’re next,” said Paula.

  “What is it,” said Sam with Paula, Kaitlyn, Laura, and Laura’s boyfriend looking at him. “Should I,” he said with unfocused eyes. “Do it, get your reading,” said Kaitlyn. Laura and her boyfriend walked away. Kaitlyn and Sam sat. Paula moved the tarot cards around and said things.

  Kaitlyn was staring toward Paula but not at Paula.

  “Are you asleep?” said Sam.

  Kaitlyn said she wasn’t asleep just drunk.

  “What,” said Paula in a nervous voice.

  “Sam asked if I was asleep,” said Kaitlyn. “I’m just drunk.”

  Paula said the tarot cards said Sam would be rich if he sold out. “It said ‘sold out’?” said Sam. “Yes,” said Paula with a serious facial expression. “That’s funny,” said Sam. Someone said the restaurant was closing. Amy hugged Paula from behind and said everyone was going to a bar across the street.

  “It’s just a door,” said Amy. “You’ll find it.”

  “Where, though?” someone said. “I mean, I don’t know.”

  “We can find it,” said Sam. “We’ll just look for it.”

  Outside the taco restaurant a man was telling a policeman in a police car that someone around the block was 6′ 4″ and white and drunk. Paula said she didn’t know anyone that tall. Sam said it was Henry. Sam ran to the corner and ran back and said “It’s Henry.” “Really?” said Paula. “No, it’s not Henry,” said Sam. They walked toward the bar. Sam picked up a very long stick and said he was going to stir his drink with it. He hit Kaitlyn’s head with the stick. She broke the stick and ran away. “Stop running,” shouted Sam.

  At the bar they sat at a table and Kaitlyn put her arm around Sam’s waist.

  “I like Rufus Wainwright, is that okay?” she said.

  “What movie was he in,” said Sam.

  “He’s a singer,” said Kaitlyn.

  “Oh, is he really old?” said Sam.

  “No,” said Kaitlyn. “That’s his dad.”

  Paula and Matt were sitting opposite Sam and Kaitlyn. Sam called Paula’s cell phone with his cell phone. Paula answered and Sam hung up. Kaitlyn asked if Sam wanted a drink.

  “Do you want to share one?” said Sam.

  “Yes,” said Kaitlyn and left the table and came back with two glasses of vodka and grapefruit juice. “Did they give you one for free?” said Sam. Kaitlyn laughed and said “no.” Sam put out the flame in the candle. Kaitlyn got a lighter from people at another table and lit the candle.

  Later Travis was hugging Enrique near the bar and they stumbl
ed for about ten feet and fell down, knocking over a bench. Amy and Yvonne were kissing by the bar. Alex sat by Kaitlyn and looked at Sam. “It’s funny to see you in this environment, in a bar,” he said loudly to Sam. “I mean usually you’re so reserved at work. So it’s funny to see you here, in a bar.” Juan sat across from Kaitlyn with a very serious facial expression and talked about burns on his face from hot oil at work.

  Briana was taking photos of everyone using flash.

  “Are you taking photos for something?” said Sam.

  Someone said Briana was taking photos for herself.

  Sam saw that Juan was laughing very loudly.

  Kaitlyn was talking into her cell phone.

  “Are you taking photos for something?” said Sam.

  “Yeah,” said Briana. “I’m taking photographs for New York Magazine about famous writers getting drunk,” she said. “MySpace. Facebook.”

  “Flickr,” said Sam.

  “No,” said Briana.

  “Photobucket,” said Sam.

  “Yes,” said Briana. “Photobucket.”

  Sam took Kaitlyn’s cell phone and text messaged Kaitlyn’s sister: “I’m really drunk. I’m in trouble.” Kaitlyn took her phone back laughing and resent the text message by accident. “Fuck,” she said and pressed buttons and resent the text message again by accident while laughing. She called her sister and left a voicemail saying she wasn’t in trouble while Sam shouted “drunk” toward the phone.

  “Doesn’t it smell strange if you burn hair?” said Sam.

  “Take some of my hair,” said Kaitlyn.

  Sam took some of Kaitlyn’s hair and put it in the candle.

  “It smells like a corpse,” said Sam.

  “It smells like cereal,” said Kaitlyn.

  The candle went out and someone said “no.”

  “I’m with Sam in a bar,” said Kaitlyn into her phone. “I’m talking to Joseph,” she said to Sam. “He says you’re his favorite living writer. He said he found your book on the toilet in the house he’s living in or something and read it and liked it. Then he walked around and found another one of your books on a picnic table and read it and liked it.”

  “That’s funny,” said Sam. “Toilet. Picnic table.”

  Kaitlyn finished talking to Joseph and called someone else.

  “People hate you when you call them late at night drunk,” said Sam.

  “No they don’t,” said Kaitlyn very loudly. “I’m going to call whoever I want.”

  Sam looked at a text message from Paula: “I’m not good at drinking. Play Scrabble soon with me?” “Why the fuck are you guys open twenty-four hours now?” said Kaitlyn into her cell phone. Sam text messaged Paula: “We should watch the Scrabble movie and play Scrabble at the same time.”

  Kaitlyn and Sam went upstairs into an outdoor area and each did a cartwheel. Kaitlyn broke a glass and covered her mouth with her hand. Sam covered his mouth with his hand then tried to climb onto the roof.

  “You can’t climb that,” someone said. “And this area is closing.”

  Outside the bar Kaitlyn said something about the J train. “Unless you want to let me sleep on your sofa,” she said. They got on the L train and arrived at Sam’s apartment. Sam asked Kaitlyn if she wanted to see his new computer. They went in his room and sat on the floor with their legs on each other’s legs. Sam stood and looked down at Kaitlyn. “You’ll be cold without a blanket on the sofa,” he said.

  “That’s okay,” said Kaitlyn looking ahead. “Unless you want me to sleep in here. It’s up to you.”

  “You can sleep in here,” said Sam.

  “Okay,” said Kaitlyn.

  “I’m going to use the bathroom,” said Sam. “Do you want to use the bathroom?” Kaitlyn shook her head no. Sam washed his face and peed and went in his room. Kaitlyn was sitting on the mattress staring at the floor. “What are you doing?” said Sam laughing. Kaitlyn grinned and said she was drunk and laid down on the mattress. Sam jumped on the mattress. He sat on the mattress. He lay on the mattress. He took stuffed animals and put them around him and Kaitlyn. He said his ex-girlfriend Sheila made them.

  “What’s this one?” said Kaitlyn.

  Sam said it was a hamster.

  “No it isn’t, what’s this,” said Kaitlyn holding things which came out of the hamster’s head. Sam said “antlers” and threw the stuffed animals at the ceiling and they fell on him and Kaitlyn. Sam asked Kaitlyn to turn off the light. Kaitlyn turned off the light. Sam held an Eeyore stuffed animal above him and said Eeyore’s problem was that his tail fell off.

  “That’s sad,” said Kaitlyn. “It’s not true.”

  “What?” said Sam grinning.

  “Do you snore?” he said.

  “I don’t snore,” said Kaitlyn.

  “What if I snore?” said Sam.

  Kaitlyn said she would elbow him.

  “What if I say ‘Eeyore, Eeyore’ when I’m asleep?” said Sam.

  Kaitlyn said she would elbow him a lot. “Eeyore smells like coconut oil,” she said. “Everything here smells like coconut oil,” said Sam. “I rub it on myself then roll around in bed.” He put his arm under the back of Kaitlyn’s neck and she turned toward him putting her arm across his chest. They lay quietly without moving. Some light came in the window.

  “I saw Sheila on the street today,” said Sam. “It was really awkward. She was with her friend and she came toward me and I thought she was going to stop to talk to me but then only her friend stood in front of me and she was walking away and her friend said ‘hi, I’m Gerard.’ I said ‘hi, I’m Sam.’ Then I said ‘good night’ and went in the subway.”

  “Gerard,” said Kaitlyn. “Was it her new boyfriend?”

  “I don’t think so,” said Sam. “No, just a friend, I think. Yeah, just a friend.”

  “Do you still like her?”

  “I don’t know,” said Sam.

  “But you still love the things she made you, right?”

  “Yeah,” said Sam.

  “Then why don’t you like her anymore?”

  “I don’t know,” said Sam. “I do like her.”

  They were quiet for about a minute.

  “Why was she mean to you today?” said Kaitlyn in a confused voice.

  “I don’t know,” said Sam. “She wasn’t.”

  They were quiet for a few minutes.

  “I’m going to sleep now,” said Kaitlyn.

  “Okay,” said Sam and rolled over facing a wall. “Good night.”

  “Good night,” said Kaitlyn.

  The next week Paula and Sam played Scrabble in her apartment then watched a Scrabble documentary on her computer. A Scrabble player had sex with a prostitute in Mexico during a tournament in San Diego. Paula and Sam went to her room and sat on her bed. They kissed and Paula began to move around a lot. Paula was scratching Sam’s back. Sam thought “voracious” and felt confused. Paula crawled on the bed and gave Sam a condom and Sam put it on.

  “I don’t like condoms,” he said kneeling on the bed.

  “What should I do?” said Paula. “What do you want me to do?”

  “Nothing. It’s okay.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Paula.

  “Don’t worry,” said Sam.

  “Okay,” said Paula.

  They went to sleep and woke around 8 a.m. and ate leftover bread from the organic vegan restaurant where they worked. Paula put kimchee and vegan mayonnaise on her bread. Sam had read about her doing that on her blog. Sam asked if he could put Paula’s agave nectar on his bread. Paula said he could. Sam ate two pieces of bread. At her front door they hugged and Sam thought about one night at work when Paula stared at a wall at the back of the kitchen while eating rice pudding. Sam had walked to her and asked what she was doing. She had turned around with a shy facial expression and Sam had grinned at her for a few seconds. Sam liked shy facial expressions. “I feel good hugging Paula,” he thought.

  On Hester’s sofa in her apartment in Chelsea Sam said
he had sort of been seeing someone named Paula for a few weeks but didn’t think they would see each other anymore. Hester asked why and Sam said he didn’t know. Hester asked again and Sam said he didn’t know. Hester said she needed to pee and went to the bathroom and came back and sat on Sam’s lap and began to kiss him. Sam tasted mouthwash. Hester stood and walked around and said she shouldn’t be doing that. She said Sam was too young. She sat on Sam’s lap and they kissed and she stood and walked around.

  “I’m one year younger than you,” said Sam. “You aren’t making sense.”

  “I’m not going to have sex with you,” said Hester standing near her front door, almost out of view. “Should we go buy cigarettes and condoms?” she said not looking at Sam. “I’m out of cigarettes. I haven’t had sex in so long.”

  “I don’t know,” said Sam after a few seconds.

  “Why don’t you want to have sex with me?” said Hester.

  “What do you mean,” said Sam.

  “I don’t know,” said Hester quickly.

  “I don’t … not don’t want to have sex with you,” said Sam.

  About a week later they were on Hester’s sofa watching child prodigies on YouTube. They watched a video called “don’t hate me because i’m a child prodigy.” They began to drink wine. They lay stomach-down on her bed. Hester said she was engaged to a poet in Kansas when she was twenty and then ran away and the poet cried in a basement. Sam asked questions about the poet and Hester talked for about an hour. Sam felt very emotional thinking about the poet. Hester asked Sam if he wanted to go to an event where Moby was DJ-ing.

  “Yes,” said Sam. “Will you hang out with Moby?”

  “I usually sit in a room downstairs talking to Brandon,” said Hester.

  “That sounds good. I’ll just sit by you and look at things.”

  “Brandon is friends with Moby or something,” said Hester. “They talk on AIM like every day. Brandon is great. I love him. He can get really jealous though.” Hester said one time Brandon saw her kissing someone and then went upstairs and threw a chair and broke a table and banned her from a lot of New York City clubs for a few months. “I’ve told him I’m not interested in him like that, and I’ve never even kissed him or anything,” said Hester. “So he really doesn’t have any reason to act like that. I don’t understand.”