Straight Outta Fangton

by C. T. Phipps

  “Which is why Renaud is going to start attacking Ancient Ones. He's sick of not doing enough damage to make a difference.”

  “Convincing them of that is the hard part.”

  “I can track him,” I said, staring at Thoth. “I can reach out to Melissa and she's connected to him. We can find this son of a bitch and end him.”

  Thoth stared at me, still standing in front of the door. “All right. I'll help you.”

  “What?”

  “Renaud came within inches of destroying everything we have. Not just you and me but vampiredom in general. Even if he terrifies me—and he does—I can't let him get away. Not when he'll just come back stronger and stronger thanks to that Elder God weapon he's got.”

  “You'll have to explain the whole Elder God thing some day.”

  “They're a bunch of really old gods.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Not helpful.”

  “They're bad. Don't wake them up or feed them or they'll eat the planet.”

  “We're living in Buffy?”

  “Closer than you'd think. Renaud is one of their puppets, like Lamia was in the old days before the Ancients overthrew her rule. They were the beings we worshiped before we realized the only people we should worship was ourselves or the small gods of humanity.”

  “Remember what I said earlier about withdrawing all questions? Yeah, I repeat that.”

  “Understood.” Thoth finally opened the door and walked out while I followed. The hallway beyond was long and dark with minimal lighting, the way vampires preferred it. The air was cool too, like a cellar, and devoid of toxins. Vampires didn't breathe, absorbing all the oxygen they needed from blood, but preferred their air as clean as possible for some reason. “We'll need allies for this, Peter. Also magic, something to drain away his power or otherwise weaken him. Which is difficult since he doesn't have any vampire weaknesses.”

  I knew approximately jack and shit about magic and jack had left town. “Your knife caused him pain when I stuck it into his heart. Not enough to incapacitate him, but it sure as hell hurt him.”

  “That's oddly reassuring.” Thoth then produced the kukri I'd left behind on the ground at Burgertown and handed it over.

  I took it. “It's about as useful as a slingshot, but I'll take it.”

  “Even those can defeat Goliath. We just need to figure a way to amp up its power.”

  “Or just find out where he is and convince the government to drop a few hellfire missiles on his head.”

  “That might slow him down, at least. Yes. Come, let us go speak to some Ancients.”

  The hallway opened up to a massive underground chamber that contained literal fountains of blood, buffets of hypnotized humans standing perfectly still in rows, and nude statues made of purest silver. The statues were enchanted to even my untrained senses, as everything became sharper and more potent around them. Somehow, they seemed to strengthen the very idea of vampirism.

  There were a hundred undead from all across the Vampire Nation in elaborate period clothes custom-tailored for tonight. It was like all those movies where they were frozen in their fashion sense from life, but here it was vibrant and alive (in a manner of speaking), like the Vampire Halloween. There were vampires from the Middle East, Africa, the Caribbean, Eastern Europe, and China. Strangely—and I couldn't make this up if I tried—the 70s Alicia Bridges disco tune “I Love the Nightlife” was playing.

  “Is that real blood?” I asked, staring at the fountains. “Won't that cause a riot?”

  “Artificial blood,” Thoth answered, surveying the party. “It doesn't have the same effect on vampires and is even less nourishing than animal blood. Everyone can sense it. It does, however, make an excellent party favor.”

  “Huh,” I said. “Learn something new every day.”

  “It's not exactly the most interesting party I've ever attended, but the Vampire Nation is a pyramid scheme and you have to suck up—no pun intended—to those above you if you're to get anything done.”

  “Is Dracula here?” I asked, figuring there was a decent shot.

  “That preening prima donna? Hell no,” Thoth said, wrinkling his nose. “He's too busy smiling for the cameras and delivering whatever ridiculous speech he thinks is doing the cause good from Romania's Supernatural Autonomous Zone.”

  “How's that working out for him?”

  “Turkey keeps trying to extradite him for war crimes.”

  “Damn, you'd think there'd be a statute of limitations for that.”

  “I agree,” a voice nearby said. “I destroyed Baghdad with Hulagu Khan and you don't see the Persians whining.”

  “There are no Persians anymore,” I said, turning to him.

  Greeting me was the oldest vampire I'd ever met, probably the oldest vampire most people would ever meet. The Second Eldest, Enil—or Eddie, as he liked to be called—was a full-on Orlock-looking vampire. Actually, he made Count Orlock look like People's Sexiest Man Alive.

  Eddie had skin so sunken and scaly it looked almost reptilian. All of his hair had fallen out. His nose had disappeared, only to be replaced with slits, and his fingers were twice as long as a normal human being’s. His teeth were sharpened to shark-like fangs, making him appear vaguely animal-like. I couldn't sense his strength at all, which was probably a good thing since he'd undoubtedly be able to be sensed across the state.

  The Second Eldest was dressed in a black sackcloth-like robe that resembled Uncle Fester's attire. It was covered in pockets and had no real fashion to it but gave a striking insight into Eddie's inner life. A Kindle, three different cellphones, an iPad, several sets of keys, and what looked like a pile of coins were all visible inside them. There was also a bookmarked copy of Salem's Lot. I'd say Eddie was an eccentric-looking vampire, but when you've outlived Christianity four times, you're really able to live however you want, even if you look like an exceptionally well-wired homeless man.

  If any vampire was capable of killing Renaud, it was the Second Eldest. It was something of a mystery why he'd chosen to live in New Detroit unlike most ancients, accepting only a position on the City Council versus ruling the entirety of the United States as his personal territory.

  “Really?” Eddie said, covering his heart. “Such a shame. They were such a sweet and tasty people.”

  “Right,” I said, trying to figure out how to broach the subject. “So, Eddie, how ya enjoying the party?”

  “It's dead,” Eddie said, laughing as if it were funny. “I swear, these kind of crappy parties are why I left the Old Country. I love this new artificial blood, though. When you reach my age, one rat is enough to sustain you for a decade, but I could drink this all day.”

  “Uh, Eddie, we need to talk.” I looked to Thoth.

  Thoth, clearly nervous, started speaking. “Second Eldest, we beseech you to aid us in a combating a dire threat to the whole of—”

  “I've stopped listening,” Eddie said, waving his hand. “Go away.”

  “We want you to help us kill Renaud,” I said.

  Eddie looked back up. “Okay, sure, that sounds fun. Why didn't you just say so?”

  “Fun?” Thoth managed to choke out.

  “Oh yes,” Eddie said. “We always used to host big Wild Hunts with the Unseelie Lords, Gods of the Dead, and Odin whenever we found Lamia's other god-botherer spawn. You newborns these days have no idea what's it like having to try and root out every Elder God cult in the world. Millions of dead, hundreds of destroyed civilizations, and all to make sure some asshole doesn't bring about the end of the world. At least with the Crucifixians, they're willing to wait for their god to come back and wipe out everything. There's got to be at least one religion not looking forward to the end of everything, right? Tell me one has arisen.”

  “Uh, Wicca?” I suggested.

  “Oh, good,” Eddie said. “There's hope for humanity yet. Yes, I'll help you kill Renaud. We'll need a couple of more Old Ones to help, though. He-he, Old Ones. I swear, you kids today and your nickn
ames to make you sound all badass. I can probably kill Renaud, but backup would be good. Who knows what the Dreamers have given him over the years.”

  “Thank you,” I said, nodding my head.

  Thoth just looked confused.

  “We black vampires have to stick together,” Eddie said, punching me in the shoulder.

  “Uh, right.” I had not known he was black.

  Eddie sauntered away, leaving the two of us alone.

  “You blew it, T,” I said, chuckling. “I don't think he's a big man for ceremony.”

  “He's as close to a human-shaped volcano as exists,” Thoth said.

  “Are you sure you're not projecting?”

  “Better to be safe than sorry.”

  The thought of getting Eddie on our side for hunting down Renaud gave me a sense of confidence we could pull this off. I could feel Melissa's distress in the back of my mind, horrible worry and self-loathing mixed with a desire to stop her creator no matter the cost. I was bonded with her now—it was something I couldn't deny anymore—and I was ready to do anything to save her. I just needed some more people powerful enough to help me do it.

  “So, we've got one member of our little vigilante posse,” I said, looking at Thoth. “Who else can we recruit?”

  “Fatimah is an automatic yes. Even if she wasn't my creation, she's been hunting Renaud for decades.”

  “Personal or professional?” I asked.

  “Both,” Thoth said. “Every one of Renaud's victims was someone loved by someone.”

  “I trust her,” I said. “We could try to get Mama Kali, but I don't know if she's up for violence against Elisha and her group.”

  “So you admit the Network is involved?” Thoth said. “And are no longer protecting them?”

  I frowned at him. “Is this an ‘I told you so’?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Yeah, they're a bunch of psychos now. Because you and the other Old Ones drove them to it.”

  “Evil is always a choice,” Thoth said. “Even if you're pushed into it, you still have to take the final step yourself.”

  “Thank you, Yoda.”

  “Eddie is closer to our Yoda.”

  “Hey, I think he looks great for eight thousand. But, seriously, we need another heavy hitter or two.”

  “Thoth, I need you to look at these shoes. Do they look like legitimate Jimmy Choos or imitators?” Voivode Ashura spoke from a few feet. “They feel slightly off. If they're knockoffs, heads will roll.”

  I turned to look at the spectacularly dressed red-headed vampire monarch of New Detroit. She was wearing an expensive crimson dress that managed to leave quite a bit to the imagination but was only more enticing for it.

  “She's our best bet,” Thoth said, turning around.

  “Are you kidding me?” I asked.

  “Not at all.” Thoth bowed before his fiancée. “My lady, we have a request to make.”

  Oh Lord.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “So, let me get this straight. You want me, the ruler of the richest city in the Vampire Nation, to join you on the battlefield against Renaud, the most powerful vampire hunter in the world. Because, in part, you think he's a continuing threat to New Detroit, but mostly to save your girlfriend.” Voivode Ashura's summation wasn't flattering, but it wasn't inaccurate either. “Do I have that right?”

  “She's not my girlfriend,” I said, trying to figure out if that made it better or worse.

  Ashura's eyes were pitying. “Given you had a whole evening with her after her creation, then you clearly were doing something wrong.”

  “Vampires really have some strange ideas about dating,” I muttered, ashamed.

  “If you're attracted to someone, fuck and eat them. What's so strange about that?” Ashura shrugged her dainty little shoulders.

  I had no answer for that. “So, you won't help us?”

  “Well, it's been a while since I was a magistrate, but I see no reason not to.”

  “You were a magistrate?” I believed Fatimah was one, but had difficulty imagining Turkish Milla Jovovich here as one of the Council's hatchet-men.

  “I was born in the harem of my father to a slave girl he'd purchased from Irish traders. I was sold then to a vampire who intended to make me a concubine for eternity. In order to escape that kind of life, you need to learn to fight and kill, because at the end of the day, that's the only way anyone gets out of the worst situations.”

  I'd have argued Doctor King, but I'd always been a Malcolm X sort of guy anyway. Plus I didn't want to argue with someone who was doing me a favor. “Well, thank you very much for taking this risk.”

  “Why wouldn't I do anything for family?” Ashura smiled and reached over to pinch one of my cheeks.

  I took a step back so she couldn't touch me. “Uh, I just thought—”

  Ashura paused. “I don't think I could ever convince you Eaton was once a good man after what he did to you.”

  “You're damned right.”

  Ashura looked down. “However, he made me happy once. Why he became so consumed with destroying those weaker than himself and toadying to those stronger is a mystery we will perhaps never solve.”

  “He tasted of the sun and life in your lips, my lady,” Thoth explained. “When he could no longer do so, blood became ash in his mouth and the night became a shroud of horror and loneliness.”

  “By which you mean it wasn't at all my fault and I should just move on, right?” Ashura said, sniffing a bit as if ready to cry.

  “Of course,” Thoth said.

  Ashura kissed him on the cheek.

  “If you'll excuse me, I have to go get my katana,” Ashura said cheerfully. “Also change into a pair of boots. These shoes are completely inappropriate for combat.”

  I watched her walk off, still not sure I'd actually seen anything that had just happened. “Please tell me I don't have to call her ‘Mom.’”

  “No promises,” Thoth said.

  “I swear, vampires just get weirder every day.”

  “It'll get worse before it gets better.”

  “When does it get better?”

  “I'll tell you when it happens.”

  I gave a short chuckle before looking over my shoulder suspiciously. There was a chill running up and down my spine. It was a sensation of dread I hadn't felt since my brother's death. I couldn't shake it and it was making me feel every bit as queasy as the sunlit room had.

  “Is something wrong?” Thoth asked.

  “Remember how the first half of From Dusk Till Dawn is a generic crime thriller and then bam, it's suddenly a vampire movie where almost the entire cast gets slaughtered?”

  “The only thing I remember from that movie is Salma Hayek dancing.”

  I grinned, remembering that myself. “Yeah, well, I can't shake the feeling we're all about to become lunch.”

  “Going after Renaud, even with the help we've got, is close to suicide. After all, we haven't told everyone about his army of Network spies you told me he wasn't assembling.”

  “Yeah, well … wait, you knew?”

  “Yeah, it's not like I can read your thoughts or anything.”

  I glared at him. “Why'd you go with it?”

  “You never will get that you're my family, will you?”

  I frowned. “Why is that, man? I surely can't be the first guy like me you've met over the centuries.”

  Thoth looked down. “I'm surprised you haven't figured it out by now, Peter. Doubye didn't take me to kill my family immediately after changing me. He kept me prisoner with his powers for a decade and a half. My son was a man by the time I killed him. He was a soldier and a defender of the weak like you, even if also a bit of a scoundrel.”

  It was something he'd never confessed to me before. “I know this is meant to be a touching moment and all, but does that mean I'm just your replacement goldfish?”

  Thoth stared at me. “I am never telling you anything personal ever again.”

  “M
an, I already know you Old Ones spend your mornings as lethargic insomniacs watching DVDs and playing video games. There's nowhere to go but up after that.”

  “I don't remember what vampires did before television, I admit,” Thoth chuckled.

  “I read,” Fatimah said, walking up to join us.

  Fatimah was still wearing attire that made her look like a hypothetical villainess in the next Underworld movie. She was wearing a mixed leather and Kevlar outfit that somehow was still practical despite being far, far too form-fitting. Was it magic, an illusion, or just ridiculously flexible for armor?

  “Oh, hey—”

  Fatimah raised her hand. “Not yet. I'm too busy dealing with the fact Dracu-Barbie has told me she's my mother now and we're going to kill Renaud.”

  “Yeah, that's about the size of it,” Thoth said. “Peter can sense Renaud through the vampire hunter.”

  “Her name is Melissa,” I said.

  My head started hurting as I saw flashes of cars driving across a road. It was territory I didn't recognize, but I sensed it was Melissa and Renaud. My connection with her had to have been strong because usually telepathy didn't travel very far.

  Fatimah frowned. “You don't understand what you're dealing with here, Thoth, Peter. Renaud is not the kind of vampire you can just gather a lynch mob to go kill.”

  “Please don't talk about lynching,” I said, rubbing my temples.

  “I can use it better than most since my father was hanged,” Fatimah said, continuing. “You need to let the professionals handle it.”

  “As you've handled it over the past seven hundred years?” Thoth said, frowning.

  Fatimah glared. “What the hell is that supposed to mean.”

  “I'm saying that the Council of Ancients has done an extremely poor job of actually dealing with Renaud. You're the only one, I suspect, who takes hunting him down seriously, and you shouldn't down any help you can get.”

  Fatimah glared. “Oh, is that how it’s supposed to be. I come back into your life and it’s back to being under your rules, is it? Do you know how many decades it took to establish my own identity after we parted?”

  Thoth frowned at her. “I can count the years from World War II, Fatimah. It hasn’t been so long since you, I, and Lucinda fought the Nazi Geistopo program.”