Straight Outta Fangton

by C. T. Phipps

  Okay, that was a story which needed clarification.

  “I am twice the warrior you ever were. Both you and Ashura have been out of the game for far too long to think you can just jump right back in. Besides, you were an assassin-for-hire, not a magistrate, and that is two very different skill sets.”

  The headache was blinding now and I couldn't see anything but Melissa's vision of the road they were taking … right to the airport.

  Oh hell.

  “We have the Second Eldest coming with us,” Thoth said, his voice overlaying the vision I was receiving.

  “Oh, because that's a brilliant idea. Let's put the vampire who absorbs the power of other vampires with his magic sword in the same room with the most powerful one alive!”

  “And he'll keep getting more powerful unless we stop—”

  “He's here,” I whispered. “They're all here.”

  I could sense more of the situation now. There was a convoy of Army Humvees moving down the road and parking on the tarmac right before an illusion-covered staircase that led to the underground compound where we were presently located. I saw a small army of Network forces present, and Renaud got through the wards on the steel door simply by pointing at it and saying, “Open.”

  Causing the door to explode.

  That was when the vision ended and there was a combination of noises happening at once. First, an alarm was going off around the room, interrupting “Once Bitten” by Three Speed (a.k.a. the theme song to a young Jim Carrey's vampire comedy with Lauren Hutton).

  This didn't seem to affect the Ancients and Old Ones around me, though, as they started moving around the room sluggishly. The second noise might have been responsible for the effect, as all the silver statues around the room started singing.

  “That's not normal,” I said, plugging my ears.

  I looked over to Eddie, who had fallen over on the ground, not dead but not moving. Thoth zipped to his side, then checked his cup of artificial blood.

  “Is it poisoned?” Fatimah asked, losing all of her earlier condescension.

  Thoth tossed it aside. “Worse. Enchanted. The spell only activates in combination with the statue. The artificial blood was delivered through trustworthy sources, though.”

  Fatimah growled. “Ex-Network.”

  “Like you said, revenge is a dish best served cold,” I muttered. “And we've been Worfed.”

  “How the hell did they find us?” Fatimah pulled out her cellphone and started calling someone before zipping to all the doors around the room, shutting them one by one.

  Thoth looked at me. “Apparently, while we were planning to use Melissa's mind to read his mind, he was using her to read yours.”

  I let that sink in. “Son of a bitch. He played us.”

  “He played you,” Fatimah said, appearing by my side. “We need to get everyone to the evacuation point.”

  Ashura arrived from a connecting room, having changed into a bouncy pink dress down to her ankles and a pair of bright red combat boots that made me wonder where the hell she'd kept a change of clothing. The fact that she also had a Muramasa katana (Thoth had taught me to tell the difference between types, and this was the Evil Excalibur type) completed the surreal image.

  “It may be too late for that,” Ashura said. “They're going through our defenses like—well, like you'd expect. We need to revive whoever hasn't been drinking the cheap-ass blood, presumably the non-Ancient of the group, and get them armed. Thoth, I know you're a fighter, but you're also the only mage in this group. I need you to try and break the spell on the statues if you can, or at least suppress it.”

  “Some explosives would be good for a start,” Thoth said.

  “Consider it done. We need to also get what Ancients we can away from the battlefield even if not evacuated,” Ashura said, pointing to a trio of young women and men with model-level looks whom I recognized as her other children. They were all armed, making it look like the Vogue militia. “Any Old Ones who see a prone Ancient might be inclined to take some revenge or create an opening in the power structure. I'm a bit tempted myself, but if you mention that to anyone else, I'll kill you. Fatimah, are you prepared?”

  “Who put you in charge?” Fatimah said, crossing her arms.

  “This is my city.” Ashura bared her fangs.

  Fatimah bared hers back.

  “Ladies, you're both pretty,” I said, trying to keep the peace. “Could we—”

  Both hissed at me and I wanted to hide behind Thoth. “Right. I'll just, uh, be over here. Crying.”

  One of the fashion model vampires, a devastatingly good-looking black man named Gerald, tossed me my shotgun. Apparently, they'd recovered that from where I'd been disabled at the Burgertown. I started moving bodies left and right down to the janitors’ closet even as I caught images from Melissa's eyes of Renaud slaughtering the PMC soldiers who were protecting the place. He was invading the place damn near single-handedly, but sometimes tossed guards back to his people or sent them to adjoining rooms to massacre everyone.

  I'd seen close, methodical, and efficient commanders before. Renaud was just a butcher.

  About halfway through, having managed to revive six or seven Old Ones, I felt a clawed hand grab me by the ankle.

  “Ah!” I shouted, turning my shotgun around.

  It was Eddie, using me to climb to his feet. “All right, now I'm pissed.”

  “You're awake,” I said, surprised, as all the other Ancients were dead to the world.

  “One second,” Eddie said, vomiting up a literal gallon of blood on the floor, utterly spraying my shoes and legs.

  “That's nasty,” I said, staring.

  He threw up some more and then wiped his mouth, surrounded by a gigantic puddle of blood. His clothes were covered in it.

  “I'm good now,” Eddie said. “What's going on?”

  “Siege,” I said. “Bad guys about to arrive.”

  Eddie nodded. “Good, good. In my day, it was always a dull party without at least three murders.”

  “You were Dothraki.”

  “Love that show!” Eddie said, cheerfully. “I watch it with my grandkids along with my morning soaps. Can’t watch at it at night, too scary for them. Did you see what happened to Stannis’s little—”

  Any further inane conversation was interrupted by the sound of a muted explosion echoing through the chamber. The lights in the room shifted from brilliant fluorescent white to an ominous shade of red.

  “What was that?” Fatimah asked, moving the last of the Ancients over her shoulder.

  “I had every explosive but the ones Thoth requested packed in the room before the entrance,” Ashura said, giving a black smile. “It required sacrificing the remainder of the security personnel, but that should weaken our foe.”

  “Those were our men!” Fatimah hissed.

  “And this is war!” Ashura snapped back.

  I felt a wave of nausea pass over me as I saw through Melissa's eyes the sight of a long metal hallway filled with choking amounts of human ash and flame. Renaud was little more than a fleshy skeleton standing up with his bone sword in one bony hand. Worse, I myself—or Melissa, in this case—had also been struck by the bomb. I should have been killed instantly, but Renaud was keeping her alive and holding back the pain. He was powerful enough to lend her his power even as both regenerated. as if being caught in the middle of a massive explosion was nothing more than an inconvenience.

  Ah, hell.

  Elisha, who had been at the back of the group, was unharmed. She moved up to join Renaud, only for him to backhand her away while his flesh returned to normal and even his hair regrew. He was soon a very large, pissed-off naked man with a bone sword. Worse, he was right outside the door.

  Renaud then pointed to it and commanded it to open.

  Which it did.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Renaud and his army poured forth like a plague from the door, the naked sword-wielding vampire slicing through a business-suit
-wearing Old One who exploded into ashes before Renaud bounded past him. Behind Renaud was an equally naked Melissa, man-sized werewolves, snake-headed lizardmen, and worse.

  There was also Elisha. She was wearing the exact outfit she'd been wearing earlier, only having added a Kevlar vest and carrying an anti-material rifle. I didn't know how to react to her, but I knew she'd come to kill me and everyone here.

  So I had to kill her.

  That was when the silver statues all around the room exploded, showering the attackers with pieces of silver. The eerie music vanished, only to be replaced by DJ BoBo's “Vampires are Alive,” which made me think the DJ for tonight's music had to be the lamest of all time.

  Thoth made an incantation, calling on all the suddenly released magic and unleashing a storm of black lightning that tore into the attackers as the remaining vampires on the ground stirred. Ashura and Fatimah leapt forward, cutting into the attackers one after the other with katana and a shadow formed into a battle-ax.

  Much to my surprise, I also saw Jumping Jack Flash and Mama Kali join the fray with a number of renegade (loyalist? our guys? I don't know what to call them) Network agents I recognized but didn't know well. Kali knocked away bullets as they sailed at her, only to turn the nearest of the Network attackers into bloody mincemeat with swords that sliced through bone like gelatin.

  “Sorry guys,” I muttered, watching one of the snake-things run up to me and go for my face, only for me to dodge out of the way and lift my shotgun behind its head before firing. It exploded into ashes when its head came mostly off. Another came after me and suffered a similar fate.

  I started fighting my way toward Melissa, firing my shotgun over and over. I pumped it, fired, fired, and fired again before re-pumping it. I never had to reload the weapon, as it fed the number of people I killed. I targeted those Network soldiers trying to feed on the Old Ones on the ground we hadn't evacuated. I usually wounded them rather than killing them, but I was able to prove a bit of a distraction before the next monster tried to kill me.

  I tried to take a couple of shots at Renaud, but the Network soldiers threw themselves in front of the blasts even though they wouldn't do much damage to the naked sword-swinger. His ritual to empower them with his blood had made them all but puppets. He was using them to strike out with impunity, and I had to wonder how much better this fight would have been going for him if he didn't just send them out to their deaths.

  Renaud charged at Enil, and the Second Eldest blocked the Tooth of Azazel with two hideous sword-shaped bone protrusions that jutted from the base of his elbows. The sword cut through them one at a time, only for the Second Eldest to regenerate and strike again. Ashura, Kali, and Fatimah carved their way to support him, but Renaud severed off the Ancient One's arm, then struck off Ashura's.

  As this occurred, the already-diminished army of fifty Network soldiers turned rapidly to an army of twenty-five, then twenty. Some of the Old Ones on the ground rose to do battle to defend themselves—lethargically. This only delayed the inevitable. I saw one of Ashura's children, a beautiful Spanish woman in a blood-splattered dress fighting with a pair of pistols, disintegrate as her head disappeared from a sniper rifle shot from Elisha.

  Elisha then aimed her rifle at Thoth.

  “No!” I shouted, knocking two werewolves feasting on a screaming Old One on the ground before shooting at Elisha.

  Much to my horror, Melissa leapt in front of the blow and took it head on. Most of her chest was destroyed and the sight that greeted me was a feral monster. Renaud had stripped away her dignity and sanity, using her as a weapon in this fight just as he was using everyone else. In her right hand was a polished metal stake, and I could tell she planned to drive it in me. Another night and I might have welcomed it, but she was standing in the way of me and Elisha.

  “I command you to be yourself again,” I said, not at all thinking that would work.

  Melissa stared at me, hissed, then turned around to stab Elisha right through the heart with the stake for the second time that night.

  “Bitch!” Elisha called out, coughing blood and dropping her rifle on the ground.

  I stared at the woman I once thought I might have loved, then waved my hand. “Bye Elisha.”

  Melissa snapped Elisha's neck for good measure.

  “I really hate that woman,” Melissa hissed through fangs that impeded her speech.

  I was too busy shooting the werewolves who tried to sucker punch me from behind to respond to that.

  “She had a good side, once.” I remembered when we'd met at the supernatural unemployment office, where she'd been working as a temp.

  “Where did she leave it?” Melissa asked, picking up the anti-material rifle and firing it into Renaud's back twice.

  Renaud seemed mildly perturbed by it.

  “Old Detroit,” I said, suddenly feeling a gale force wind's edge as Thoth summoned a powerful spell that sent all of Renaud's remaining soldiers flying through the air. They slammed against the wall, disabled, giving the remaining Old Ones on the ground a chance to rise.

  Which they promptly used to flee, abandoning us to Renaud.

  Thanks, guys. Really.

  The remainder of the renegade Network soldiers ran to the disabled attackers in order to finish us off, leaving Renaud and the few remaining individuals to fight. Much to my surprise, Voivode Ashura was still fighting despite having only one arm and a broken sword. She was covered in blood and had a thoroughly pissed-off look on her face.

  Fatimah looked exhausted, her body covered in bloody sweat even as she still had her shadow swords drawn. Kali was lying on the ground, unconscious with blood coming from the base of her head. It was probably a good thing the Old Ones had fled, since I couldn't imagine one wouldn't have taken advantage of her prone position.

  Jumping Jack Flash had the worst of it, as he'd been bisected by Renaud's sword. He wasn't a vampire, though, so he was trying to plug together his various severed organs so they'd regenerate. It was both comical and horrifying in that Herbert West: ReAnimator sort of way. I didn't see the Second Eldest and briefly thought he'd fled or been killed before I saw a horde of rats feeding on corpses.

  Eddie was regaining his strength.

  Renaud didn't look the slightest bit injured, his powers having allowed him to recover from everything Thoth and the others had dished out to him. Instead, the naked knight took a moment to look among us. “I must say, you are perhaps the most determined vampires I have ever met. I fully expected to meet heavy resistance, but only from the Old Ones and Ancients trying to fight for their lives. You actually seem like you're willing to risk yourselves for something else. It's tragic, really, that it's such an evil cause as this city.”

  Voivode Ashura stared at Renaud with pure hatred in her eyes. “Do you think I like living as a parasite? Killing to survive, moving from city to city, never able to stay too long? For centuries, I tried to create companions who would love me, but they always reacted with fear and hatred because they didn't know the consequences of what I was asking of them. This city represents a chance for our kind to move past the horrors and embrace the light, even if it's a neon casino light instead of the sun. I will not let you destroy it and my few friends in this world.”

  Wait, she had friends?

  Probably best not to bring that up.

  Fatimah also displayed her contempt. “Individuals like you know nothing of true suffering.”

  “What?” Renaud scowled, displaying his fangs. “How dare you! My suffering is beyond compare save the Lord's own son.”

  Strangely, his comparison of himself to Jesus didn't cause me any distress. Perhaps because the Lord knew it was horseshit.

  “Do you think murdering vampires makes up for your other sins?” Fatimah scoffed. “I have studied you for years and charted your course across Europe. You murder those you deem to be sinners, rape any woman who strikes your fancy, and use people before discarding them like refuse. Then you wrap it all in religion and cla
im you were doing the Lord's work. God Almighty, you live up to your Knight Templar brethren's example and exceed them.”

  Renaud sniffed the air. “I would not expect an apostate Moor to understand such matters.”

  “You use the fang of a damn demon god!” I snapped at him. “I'm pretty sure that's against one of the commandments.”

  “The first, actually,” Melissa said.

  “You hear her? The first commandment!” I snapped. “No coveting or shit. The first!”

  Why was I taunting the invincible super-vampire?

  This wasn't a good idea.

  Renaud just glared at me. “You? You will die first.”

  Yeah, that was a terrible idea.

  I shrugged. “I'd say Blade wanted his wardrobe back too, but you're kind of not wearing anything, Smalls.”

  He actually wasn't. I was even kind of jealous, but insulting a man's dick was the surest way to get him to do something stupid. Unfortunately, doing something stupid seemed to be charging up at me with his sword.

  I shot Renaud three times in the chest, to almost no effect, slowing him down only a bit before I managed to barely avoid his first strike. Melissa fired her weapon at point-blank range, only for Renaud to reach out and cut it in half with a single blow.

  “Die, Demon,” Renaud said, knocking me across the face with the pommel of his blade before knocking me to the ground and putting his foot on my throat. He was starting to bleed from his forehead, at last starting to look tired as he regenerated from the rifle shot in his chest.

  Thoth grabbed Renaud around the neck, shouting something in French, which probably was something like, “Get the hell away from creation, you bitch.”

  Renaud just ripped him off his back and then stabbed him through the chest with the Tooth of Azazel.

  Thoth screamed.

  I felt the pain as he started dying.

  Then time stood still.

  “Oh, now you kick in!” I said, shouting at the universe. “When it's worthless!”