The Hidden Women

by Kerry Barrett

  There was a celebratory feel to the lounge today. There was bunting up on the walls and the remains of a cake on the table – and Lil was playing the piano. I grinned to see her sitting straight-backed on the stool, bashing out some boogie-woogie with all the energy of someone half her age.

  Watching her with barely disguised adoration was the old sitcom actor. He winked at me when I walked in, and said something to Lil, who stopped playing and turned round on the stool to see me.

  ‘Darling Helena, and my gorgeous Dora, how nice to see you,’ she said.

  ‘Are we too late for the party?’

  ‘We had cake for Jeanie’s birthday,’ Lil said. She got up from the stool and I offered her my arm as support. ‘She’s ninety-five.’

  ‘Ooh, she’s older than you are,’ I said. ‘Will you get cake for your birthday?’

  ‘I bloody hope so,’ she said. ‘Shall we go to my room? It’s a bit raucous in here. Jeanie used to be a Tiller girl – she’s been threatening to show us all her high kicks.’

  The lounge was indeed more lively than I’d ever seen it. Clearly a birthday was the only excuse all the residents needed to unleash their inner performers. I giggled at the sitcom actor, who was beginning to tell an anecdote about the time he charmed Judi Dench.

  ‘Oh, he’s not so bad, you know,’ she said, seeing me look. ‘He’s got a good heart.’

  I raised an eyebrow at her, and she ignored me as we walked down the corridor, Dora running ahead, and into her room.

  ‘Chair or bed?’ I asked.

  ‘Chair today. I’m feeling good.’

  I helped her into her chair and arranged the cushion behind her, then I sat down in the chair facing her.

  She showed Dora the little pony that Dora had given her.

  ‘I keep it next to my bed,’ she said. ‘To remind me of you.’

  ‘So,’ I said, casually. ‘Greg showed up this morning.’

  ‘He never did?’

  ‘Just bold as brass on the doorstep, with his Canadian fiancée.’

  Lil shook her head. ‘The cheek of that man,’ she said.

  ‘He wants to reach out to Dora.’

  Lil snorted. ‘What did you say?’

  I smiled, slightly. ‘I threw him out.’

  ‘Ha!’ Lil gave a bark of laughter, but then she looked serious. ‘You should give him a chance though. Family is important.’

  ‘I know,’ I said, feeling wretched. I looked at Dora, prancing her little horse along Lil’s bedspread. ‘What if she likes him better than me?’

  Lil took my hand. ‘She won’t,’ she said. ‘Children know who their real parents are.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Lil,’ I said. ‘I’ve got a bit of a confession.’

  Lil gave me a fake shocked glance. ‘Been naughty, have you?’

  I chuckled. ‘Yes, a bit,’ I said. I took a breath. ‘When I said I wasn’t going to look into your past any more, I did mean it, honestly. But there was a mix-up at work and my colleague requested the court papers and well, I read them.’

  Lil stared at me, all smiles gone.

  I carried on, babbling a bit now because Lil hadn’t really reacted in the way I’d expected.

  ‘I read about what you were accused of doing during the war and I think you’re wonderful. What you did for those women? If you did it, that is. That was amazing. And I know you were punished back then, and I understand why you might not want to talk about it, but you should be celebrated, Lil. You did good things. And I want to hear your side of the story.’

  Lil looked at me with such disappointment in her eyes that I stopped talking straight away. ‘You researched me?’ she said. ‘Even though I’d told you I didn’t want to remember those times?’

  ‘Accidentally,’ I said, knowing I was stretching the truth a bit. A lot.

  Lil nodded. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘I’ll tell you what we did. And then I want you to leave.’

  Chapter 38

  Lilian

  July 1944

  Flight Captain Rogers was a small woman in her forties, with a large bottom and an enormous chest. She was much shorter than me and I could look down at the top of her salt and pepper hair, but she still terrified me.

  ‘Miles,’ she barked at me as I knocked on her open office door. ‘Come in or go out, don’t lurk.’

  I sidled in. ‘Someone said you needed to speak to me?’ I said, annoyed at how my voice quivered.

  She nodded her head towards the chair opposite where she sat and I lowered myself into it. My heart was beating faster; I’d never been asked to sit before.

  ‘Is something wrong?’

  She looked at me, her face stern. ‘Something is very wrong,’ she said.

  I breathed out nervously and waited.

  ‘Someone has made an allegation about you,’ she said. ‘A very serious allegation. Depending on what you tell me, I may have to inform the civilian police.’

  I started to sweat. Bloody, bloody Rose. Bloody Will.

  ‘One of the pilots came to see me; she was very upset,’ Rogers began. ‘She confessed that she and one of the mechanics had sneaked into the back of a plane for a bit of a cuddle. I shall, of course, deal with that in my own time. Though she will not tell me the name of her partner in all this.’

  I snorted and turned it into a gasp.

  ‘They fell asleep, and when they woke up, they discovered the plane had taken off. You were the pilot,’ she carried on. Rogers pursed her lips. ‘When the plane arrived in Lincolnshire, the pilot in question tried to find you to explain what had happened. She saw you going into town and she followed.’

  I tried to look shocked and surprised. ‘She followed me into town?’ I said carefully. ‘Then she’d have seen that I met an old friend there. I don’t remember seeing any of our girls, though.’

  If Rogers pursed her lips any tighter they’d disappear altogether.

  ‘Indeed,’ she said. ‘For reasons that remain unclear, the pilot decided to eavesdrop on your conversation with your friend.’

  ‘We were just talking,’ I said. ‘We weren’t doing anything wrong.’

  ‘No,’ Rogers said. ‘But this pilot alleges you were discussing the friend’s unwanted pregnancy and that you had made arrangements for her to seek an illegal termination.’

  ‘Goodness me,’ I said, forcing a laugh. ‘How silly. We did chat about pregnancies – that’s true. My friend had been worried she had been caught, but she was telling me she had been mistaken.’

  I looked down at my feet. My boots needed polishing. ‘She was very ashamed of herself,’ I added for good measure, thinking of Mary’s unapologetic manner. ‘She won’t get herself in that situation again.’

  Rogers watched me carefully. ‘You are saying the pilot is mistaken?’ she said.

  ‘I am,’ I said, pleased that my voice wasn’t quivering any longer. This was far too important to show any weakness.

  ‘Does Ro – erm, the pilot, have any proof? Because I really think she must have misunderstood what we were saying.’

  Rogers nodded. ‘That’s what I said. But she was adamant.’

  ‘So there is no proof?’ I said, thanking God we’d always been so careful. ‘There can’t be, because I wasn’t doing anything wrong.’

  I was thinking fast. Annie had the letters women wrote us, safely locked in the PO box in town. There wouldn’t be any in any of our belongings, because we never left anything lying around. And from the sound of it, Annie and Flora were in the clear anyway.

  Confident there was nothing to be found, I raised my eyes to Rogers’ face. ‘Search my locker if you need to,’ I said. ‘You can even have a look in my billet. I have nothing to hide.’

  ‘We will,’ she said. ‘At the moment you are free to go. Please remain on base for now. I will alter the flight schedule accordingly.’

  Heart thumping, I nodded and turned to go.

  ‘Miles?’ Rogers said.

  I looked back.

  ‘If
you’ve got nothing to hide, there is nothing to fear.’

  I nodded again and left the room, forcing myself to walk and not run as I wanted to.

  Outside, it had started to rain and I was glad because it meant no one would see I was crying. Was I in the clear? Or was this the end of my time in ATA?

  And then I saw Rose. Hurrying along ahead of me. Had she been eavesdropping? Listening to my conversation with Rogers?

  Filled with fury, I speeded up and caught her shoulder. ‘Rose,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, Lilian,’ she said, feigning surprise. ‘Is everything all right?’

  I was almost spitting with rage. ‘No, it bloody well isn’t all right,’ I said.

  ‘I’ve just done my duty,’ she said dripping with piety.

  We were about the same height, Rose and me, though I was scrawnier than she was. We were almost nose to nose, squaring up to each other like prize fighters. I had never wanted to hit anyone more than I wanted to hit her at that moment. Never.

  ‘Why do you care?’ I hissed.

  ‘Because you’re doing a bad thing,’ said Rose. ‘And you shouldn’t. What you’re doing is immoral and dangerous.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘But it’s necessary. These women are desperate, Rose. They are bloody desperate and God knows what they would do if we weren’t there to help them. Kill themselves, perhaps. Go mad. I don’t know. But this is important.’

  Rose shrugged. ‘It’s against the law,’ she said simply. ‘I don’t see why women like you should swan around, acting like butter wouldn’t melt, and being all holier than thou, when the rest of us are playing by the rules.’

  I stared at her, bewildered once again by the vitriol she felt towards me.

  ‘Seducing men whenever you like, breaking the law whenever you want – it’s not right and you shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.’

  I shook my head. ‘You’ve hated me since school,’ I said. ‘What did I ever do?’

  Rose didn’t speak. She just looked at me, hatred burning in her eyes.

  ‘Is this all about Will?’ I said, almost laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. ‘Is this all because you’re sweet on some man?’

  Rose looked slightly shame-faced. Only slightly, mind you.

  I couldn’t believe that she was going to bring the whole thing down, and ruin countless women’s lives, because she liked Will and he liked me. Ruth was watching me, waiting for me to act but I couldn’t speak; my mind was racing as I tried to work out a way to rescue our network. To save everything we’d worked so hard to put in place.

  I’d been completely confident when I’d told Rogers she could search my locker. I knew we’d not been silly enough to leave any evidence lying around.

  And yet.

  I narrowed my eyes as I stared at Rose.

  Her accusations may come to nothing, but the whiff of suspicion would remain. Rogers, and the other officers, would watch us like hawks. Me and Flora and Annie. It would be impossible for us to carry on. Rose would have got her revenge, though in a very different way to how she intended. I shook my head. This couldn’t happen. Not after everything we’d done.

  Rose laughed. But it was more like a bark. ‘You can shake your head all you like,’ she hissed. ‘It won’t change anything. I’ve got you bang to rights, Lilian.’

  I met her hate-filled gaze as an idea took root. Rose was determined to get her ridiculous revenge on me; that was clear. But perhaps I could somehow make it all about me and not involve the others. If I confessed to helping Mary, made it all about that one mistake, then this might not be the end. Annie and Flora would be off the hook and the network could carry on.

  I took a deep breath.

  ‘You’re right,’ I said simply. ‘I was helping Mary get rid of her pregnancy. I knew someone who could help her and I put them in touch. That’s all it was.’

  Rose eyed me suspiciously. ‘I heard her ask you about others,’ she said.

  I shrugged. ‘You must have misheard,’ I lied. ‘There are no others. Mary is an old friend and I wanted to help her.’ I lifted my chin. ‘Just her.’

  Rose narrowed her eyes. ‘What about Flora and Annie?’ she said. ‘Are they involved?’

  ‘God, no,’ I said. ‘Flora? Never. She’s a Presbyterian.’

  ‘And Annie?’

  I shrugged. ‘She’s a good person too. She’d not break the law. Not like me.’

  ‘It sounded like you’d done this a lot,’ Rose said, frowning. ‘It sounded professional.’

  ‘Professional?’ I scoffed. ‘I was just helping out an old friend.’

  ‘I think you’re lying.’

  ‘Think what you like,’ I said. ‘You can’t prove it.’

  Rose started to talk and I stopped her by holding up my hand.

  ‘Listen,’ I said. ‘I will fall on my sword if that’s what you want. I will go back to Rogers right now and admit that I arranged the termination for Mary, and that I was wrong. I expect I will be discharged and my career in the ATA will be over.’

  I swallowed the sob that rose up in my throat at the thought of never flying again.

  ‘You and Will,’ I said the name like it made me sick, which it did a bit. ‘You and Will can live happily ever after together for all I care. You’ve won, Rose.’

  ‘You’ll go and confess, right now?’ Rose said.

  I nodded. ‘Right now.’

  Rose nodded, triumph gleaming in her eyes. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Good.’

  Shaking like a leaf, I turned away from her and headed back to find Flight Captain Rogers.

  Chapter 39

  Helena

  July 2018

  ‘I want you to go,’ Lil said again.

  I stared at her, not understanding. ‘If you’re tired, we can come back another time,’ I said.

  ‘I don’t want you to come back,’ she said, her voice calm, but determined. ‘I will tell you what you want to know, and then I want you to go.’

  I wasn’t sure what she meant. Did she really mean she wanted me to go and never come back? Surely not. I knew I’d not done as she asked, but refusing to see me again was overkill. That couldn’t be what she meant. And she was offering to tell me what had happened so she couldn’t be too upset …

  I took her hand. Her fingers lay limply in mine.

  ‘Please tell me what happened,’ I said. ‘It all sounds incredible.’

  ‘It wasn’t,’ she said. ‘It was frightening and dangerous and it was horribly necessary. But it wasn’t incredible.’

  I didn’t speak; I didn’t want to interrupt her.

  ‘I lived near an airfield at the beginning of the war,’ she said. ‘Near Kelso.’

  I nodded.

  ‘I was bored and lonely, and interested in the planes. I started hanging round and asking questions and generally making a nuisance of myself. I was determined to learn how to fly, but of course I wasn’t allowed.’

  I smiled. That sounded like Lil.

  ‘The ATA was mostly well-to-do girls at first,’ she carried on. ‘But in 1943 they expanded and one of the pilots saw an ad in Aeroplane magazine and suggested I apply. And that was that. I loved flying. I really loved it.’

  She paused.

  ‘But then there was the other side of my life in the ATA.’

  I leaned forward a bit. I didn’t want to miss anything.

  ‘That all started when a girl from the base had a fumble with a soldier,’ Lil began. ‘Well, it was less of a fumble and more …’

  She looked right at me, but it was like she wasn’t seeing me. I bit my lip.

  ‘Anyway, a few weeks later, she realised she was pregnant. She couldn’t have a baby. Not then. Not like that. My friend Flora knew someone in Manchester who’d helped a friend of hers. We did a bit of digging. We got it sorted. And because of that, and …’ she paused ‘… some other things that happened, we realised there were women all over the country, helping other women.’

  ‘An underground network,’ I breathe
d. ‘Just as they suspected.’

  ‘Exactly that. We tapped into it. We knew we were in a position to put women in touch with people who could help them because we travelled all over the country and met all sorts of people. We could arrange transport. We even arranged adoption for those who were too late to sort things out another way. The adoptions were great. We loved those. Finding families that wanted a baby and giving the woman a way out. I’d have liked to have kept in touch with those ones, found out how it was all going.’

  ‘But you didn’t?’

  She shook her head. ‘Too risky,’ she said. ‘These weren’t legal adoptions. It was fraud, I suppose. But during the war, people lost everything. Family, homes – and all their paperwork. It was easy to say someone was someone else, or a baby belonged to another family. And the women we helped – they were desperate, Helena. They couldn’t do things properly. They had no choices left.’

  ‘Lil,’ I began. ‘This is wonderful. Do you see how wonderful it is? You saved those women.’

  ‘Not all of them,’ she said.

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘There were some we couldn’t help. If they contacted us too late, or we couldn’t get to them, or I remember one girl just never showed up to the meeting point – I don’t know what happened there.’

  She paused and looked up at me.

  ‘It was dangerous. The girls with money, they could pay for real doctors. But in all the time we were doing it, I only remember one girl having enough to fork out for a man in Harley Street. Mostly it was older women, you know the types? They’d delivered all the babies round their way, they knew how things worked – and how to stop them.’

  I shuddered. ‘What did they do?’ I whispered.

  ‘Depends,’ she said. ‘Mostly they’d use a sort of douche, to wash them out.’

  ‘Christ.’

  ‘I think they all had their favourite concoctions,’ Lil said. ‘Soap, often, sometimes other things if they couldn’t get hold of soap – it was rationed of course, which made it harder to come by. I heard about someone using turpentine. Cod liver oil. They’d pack them with gauze and send them home – but sometimes the bleeding was too heavy.’