The Hidden Women

by Kerry Barrett

  I wanted to cry, thinking about how desperate these women had to have been to go through that. But Lil wasn’t finished.

  ‘Some of them used knives,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘To puncture the sac. That was riskier because of the infection.’

  ‘Did anyone die?’

  Lil nodded. ‘We lost one early on,’ she said. ‘Bet, her name was. I’ll never forget that. She was nineteen years old.’

  Now I was crying, one tear after another sliding silently down my cheeks.

  ‘And there was another. Emily Page. She lived in Edinburgh and I was there when she haemorrhaged. That’s another thing I’ll never forget. The sight of her sheets, soaked in blood.’

  ‘Did she die?’

  Lil shrugged. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, a slight crack to her voice. ‘We took her to the hospital but we never heard what happened after that. I wish I knew.’

  ‘There were a few of you?’ I asked. ‘It wasn’t just you alone?’

  She nodded. ‘There was me, and my friends Flora and Annie,’ she said. ‘We organised things. We had another friend in Scotland, Jemima, who helped a lot. There was a midwife up there called Katie, who was wonderful. And Flora’s contact in Manchester was a big help. Every time we helped someone we made new friends and new contacts. It grew so fast, it almost had a life of its own.’

  ‘Why did you do it?’ I asked. ‘Why did you help?’

  I wondered if she’d tell me that someone had helped her in her lowest moment and that was why, but she didn’t.

  ‘It was the right thing to do,’ she said. She looked directly at me again. ‘That’s why I did it.’

  There was a pause as I wrestled with the idea of asking her straight out if she’d had a baby. And then I chickened out. ‘What happened with the court martial?’ I asked instead.

  Lil’s expression darkened. ‘A couple of folk at the base had a bit of a grudge against me.’

  ‘And they grassed you up?’

  She nodded. ‘One was a girl I knew from school. She just disliked everyone. She was one of those types who always feels hard done by, you know?’

  It was my turn to nod. I’d met plenty of people like that.

  ‘And the other was someone I’d thought was a friend.’

  ‘They knew what was going on?’

  ‘We’d not told them of course, but Rose Smythe – she was the one who thought the world owed her a living – she’d always had a particular bee in her bonnet about me. I tried to ignore her most of the time, but she just wouldn’t leave it alone. She’d watched us round the base, chatting about arrangements. She’d listened in to conversations, and spied, and she’d got it in her head that I was selling stuff on the black market – cigarettes, gin, that sort of stuff. Then she roped Will in.’

  ‘Will?’

  Lil’s frown deepened. ‘He was a friend,’ she said. ‘At least I’d thought he was a friend. But he went along with Rose. They followed me to a meeting.’

  ‘They thought you were smuggling, and instead they found out you were arranging an abortion?’

  ‘Exactly,’ Lil said.

  ‘Rose went straight to an officer and accused me. But we’d been careful. We’d always tried to cover our tracks. There was very little evidence against me, but Rose’s accusations were all that was needed to court-martial me. It wouldn’t have stood up in a civil court. I didn’t get into trouble with the police, thankfully. I admitted arranging one termination and I was dishonourably discharged.’

  ‘And what about Flora? And Annie? Did they get into trouble?’

  Lil gave a slight smile. ‘Not one bit,’ she said. ‘I knew if I took the rap, then they’d not do any more digging. I fell on my sword; Rose was satisfied, because she just wanted rid of me. And the officers were happy because it was all dealt with neatly without any scandal really …’

  I could barely take in the enormity of what she’d done.

  ‘Did Flora and Annie carry on?’

  ‘They did,’ Lil said.

  She paused.

  ‘That was the plan at least. And I heard bits and pieces, from Jemima in Scotland. But we’d agreed not to stay in touch – if anyone got wind of us being friendly then the network could be at risk. They even carried on after the war, I believe. And Flora in particular was a campaigner for abortion to be made legal back in the 1960s. I remember seeing her name in the papers at the time.’

  ‘But you weren’t tempted to get in touch?’

  Lil shook her head. ‘Too much water under the bridge,’ she said.

  ‘Why do you think they did it? Why did Rose and Will follow you and get the proof about what you were doing?’

  Lil shrugged. ‘They both told me I was doing a terrible thing,’ she said.

  ‘But you think they were really doing it to get at you?’

  ‘I know that’s why they did it,’ Lil said. ‘Rose even said as much. She told me I needed taking down a peg or two.’

  ‘And Will?’

  Lil took a breath. ‘Will had been sweet on me,’ she said. ‘He asked me out to a dance and I went along and we had a great time. But I wasn’t one for romance back then.’

  Or ever, I thought. As long as I’d known her, Lil had never had a partner.

  ‘I let him down gently, and I thought he’d understood. I explained …’

  She trailed off and I waited, wondering again if she’d mention anything about having a baby.

  ‘I thought he’d understood,’ she said again. ‘But he betrayed me.’

  I reached out to cover her hand in mine, but she pulled away from me.

  ‘And now you’ve done the same,’ she said sharply.

  ‘What?’ I said, confused.

  ‘You betrayed me,’ she said. ‘You dug around in my life, in my memories, without thinking of the consequences.’

  ‘I didn’t do it for myself,’ I said. But I trailed off. I couldn’t tell her I’d done this for Dad. I couldn’t put the blame on to him. If Lil was angry with him, she’d never tell him the truth.

  ‘You’re not the person I thought you were, Helena,’ she spat.

  I looked at my feet.

  ‘I want you to go now,’ Lil said. ‘And I don’t want you to come back. Not ever.’

  She ruffled Dora’s hair. ‘Maybe you can come and see me with Granny,’ she said.

  ‘Granny,’ agreed Dora. ‘Love Granny.’

  ‘But, Lil,’ I said, horrified at how blunt she was being. ‘Lil …’

  ‘Goodbye, Helena.’

  Chapter 40

  Lilian

  November 1939

  A couple of days after I’d climbed the hill and seen the airfield far below, gripped with cabin fever because Ruth was watching me like a hawk and wouldn’t let me out of her sight, I crept into the hall and started pulling on my thick coat. The sky was steel grey and I knew snow was on its way, so I wanted to hike up the hill and have a look at the planes once more before the weather got too bad. I wound my scarf round my neck and lowered myself on to the stairs to pull on my boots.

  ‘Oof,’ I gasped as I squished my bump and the baby kicked me in revenge.

  ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ Ruth stood in the doorway to the living room, holding a bundle of clothes. I groaned inwardly. I’d thought she was in the garden, digging up the last of the potatoes before the ground froze completely. I’d obviously been wrong.

  ‘Walk,’ I muttered.

  Ruth smiled at me. ‘I know you’re bored,’ she said. ‘But Katie is coming in half an hour to check on you. Remember, Jemima’s friend? The one who’s going to help.’

  Defeated, and with only one boot half on, I slumped against the stairs and wiggled my foot until the boot came off. ‘I forgot,’ I said.

  Jemima was a funny one. She kept herself to herself most of the time. Ruth had told me that her marriage hadn’t been a very happy one and her husband had been a lot older than her. I thought maybe it had been hard for her, coming from down south and starting again
in a place where her husband was local. She knew everyone in Kelso but she was very particular about who she spent any time with. She’d opened my eyes to a sort of underground network of women who could and would help each other out, no matter how much risk there was to themselves. Katie, her friend who was coming to visit, was one of those women.

  We didn’t have to wait long. Jemima drove up in her battered farm van, and opened the door to help Katie out. Jemima was as tall and Amazonian as Katie was slight and pale. She looked like a little girl clambering down from the van and I felt a moment of fear as I watched. Was this who we were relying on? Had we made a terrible mistake?

  But when Katie and Jemima came into the kitchen I realised I’d been wrong. Katie was older than I’d first thought. Probably in her late forties or even her fifties like Jemima. Her pale hair was streaked with grey and her light blue eyes were kind.

  Jemima made the introductions, then busied herself making tea. Ruth and I sat in the living room, waiting awkwardly for Katie to speak.

  ‘Right then,’ she said, realising we just wanted her to get on with it. ‘Let’s have a look at you, shall we?’

  She opened her bag and pulled out a stethoscope and slung it round her neck. Then she rubbed her hands together to warm them up.

  ‘It’s bitter out there,’ she said. ‘Lie back.’

  Obediently Ruth stood up and I lay back on the sofa. Katie lifted my top up and gently felt my bump.

  ‘There’s baby’s bum,’ she said, prodding the top. ‘And his or her head is down, which is good.’

  The baby wiggled at her touch and she smiled.

  ‘Ooh he’s not happy about me poking him,’ she said in her soft borders accent. ‘But he’s a good size. Everything looks fine. Shall we have a listen?’

  Ruth was watching, an odd expression on her face. I thought again how hard this must be for her. After all, she’d been pregnant too. Her baby would have been almost the same age as mine.

  ‘What will happen?’ she said as Katie put the stethoscope in her ears and breathed on the end so it wasn’t so cold. ‘When the baby comes?’

  Katie held up her finger to indicate that Ruth should pause while she listened. She moved the end of the stethoscope around my tummy a little bit then nodded and listened for a few seconds.

  ‘Good strong heartbeat,’ she said. ‘Do you want to hear?’

  Did I? I shook my head. ‘Ruth might.’

  Holding the end of the stethoscope against my skin, Katie pulled the earpieces out with one hand and held them out to Ruth. She knelt down next to me, put them in her own ears, and gasped as she heard, I assumed, the baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

  ‘Oh, Lil,’ she said. ‘That’s the baby.’

  ‘Your baby,’ I said. ‘It’s your baby.’

  Her eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t tell if it was with happiness that she was going to be a mother, or sadness that I wasn’t.

  Katie smiled. ‘First babies are tricky to predict,’ she said. I winced just a little bit at the implication that there would ever be a second baby.

  ‘You’re sixteen?’ she continued and I nodded. ‘My instinct is you’ll go early.’

  I closed my eyes briefly as I heaved myself back to sitting. The very thought of giving birth made me want to vomit, but I couldn’t wait for all this to be over. To leave the house whenever I wanted. To be able to put my own boots on. To go home, even. Back to Kent. Though the thought of coming face to face with Mr Mayhew, or Mrs Mayhew, was even worse than the thought of giving birth, so perhaps not. Maybe, I thought, I could sign up. Or volunteer at the airbase. Maybe I could even learn to fly.

  ‘Lil,’ Ruth was saying. ‘Katie’s explaining what’s going to happen.’

  I forced myself to concentrate.

  ‘When you think the baby’s coming, get Jemima to fetch me,’ Katie was saying. ‘I’ll come as soon as I can.’

  A thought occurred to me. ‘Who are you?’ I asked, almost rudely. ‘Why are you helping us?’

  ‘Lilian,’ Ruth chided, but Katie, who’d been kneeling down packing away her stethoscope, stood up again and then sat down next to me and took my hand.

  ‘I think that as women we get a rough deal,’ she said, half to me and Ruth, and half to herself. ‘Men can make as many mistakes as they want, do as many wrong things as they like, and there are no consequences. But we’re left holding the babies.’

  I shifted on the saggy sofa, slightly uncomfortable at the way she was talking.

  ‘The way I see it, no man is ever going to put himself on the line to help a woman.’ She looked at me, her pale blue eyes sharp. ‘Where’s the dad?’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘Your baby’s dad? Where is he?’

  I flushed. ‘He signed up,’ I said, staring at her in defiance.

  ‘And did he want the baby? Did he offer to help?’

  Slowly I lowered my eyes. ‘No,’ I said. ‘He’s married.’

  She shrugged as if I’d made her point. Which I supposed I had.

  ‘We have to help each other,’ she said. ‘There are women like me all over the place.’

  ‘Midwives?’ Ruth said.

  Katie nodded. ‘I’m a midwife but I know some nurses do it too, and a couple of doctors.’

  ‘Women doctors?’ I was impressed.

  ‘And men,’ Katie said. ‘And people like Jemima, helping us find each other.’

  ‘And they all deliver babies and register them to a different mother?’ Ruth seemed torn between awe and disgust.

  ‘They do,’ said Katie. ‘And sometimes we do other things too. If a woman really can’t have a baby.’

  I looked blankly at her, not understanding, until I saw Ruth’s expression and the penny dropped.

  ‘You help them get rid of the babies?’ I said quietly. ‘That’s illegal.’

  Katie nodded. ‘But it shouldn’t be, in my opinion. We do things properly, though there’s always a risk to the woman of course. But there are some butchers out there. I’ve seen girls die because of it.’

  I felt bile rising in my throat. That could have been me, if it hadn’t been for Ruth and Bobby.

  There was an awkward pause, then Ruth gave an overly bright smile. ‘So, when the baby arrives, you’ll sign all the paperwork as though I am the mother. And we’ll put my name on the birth certificate.’

  ‘If that’s what Lilian wants,’ Katie said. ‘There’s no going back so she has to be sure.’

  ‘What about Lil’s health?’ Ruth said, before I could answer. ‘I don’t want her in danger. What if she needs stitches? Or if she loses too much blood?’

  ‘There is a doctor nearby who I can call in an emergency,’ Katie explained. ‘He doesn’t ask questions. And he’s not interested in the paperwork anyway.’

  ‘And afterwards?’ Ruth was chewing her lip in concern. ‘What about afterwards?’

  ‘Feeding?’ Katie said. ‘That’s up to Lil.’

  I turned my head away, not wanting to think about breastfeeding.

  ‘No need to decide now.’ Katie squeezed my hand. ‘About anything. You don’t even have to say if you want to put Ruth on the birth certificate yet. Think about it for a while.’

  But I didn’t have to think. ‘It’s what I want,’ I said.

  Katie nodded. ‘Then that’s what we’ll do.’

  Chapter 41

  Helena

  July 2018

  I was in a state of disbelief mixed with shock all the way home. I couldn’t quite take in the fact that Lil had told me she never wanted to see me again. Surely she didn’t mean it? But then I’d think about her face, and I’d realise all over again that she’d absolutely meant it. I was furious with Dad, and with Greg, and with the world.

  My mind in a fug, I rang Miranda from the train on the way home and told her what had happened.

  ‘Shit,’ said. ‘He just turned up? No warning?’

  ‘No warning,’ I said grimly.

  ‘And Lil threw you out?�
�

  ‘Well, not literally,’ I said. ‘But yes, she asked me to leave and never come back.’

  ‘I’ll come round,’ she said.

  I managed a smile. ‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s fine. Jack’s coming.’

  But as I was making some pasta for Dora’s tea, Jack phoned.

  ‘We’re doing a bloody reshoot,’ he said. He sounded annoyed.

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘It means that bastard Brice who’s playing my right-hand man has groped too many women on set and he’s been sacked.’

  ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Sounds like he should have been sacked before now.’

  ‘He definitely should have been sacked before now,’ Jack agreed. ‘But now he’s been replaced, and we need to reshoot all the scenes he was in.’

  ‘Shit,’ I said. ‘So I won’t get to see you?’

  ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘We should be done by the middle of the week but until then it’s long days and lots of early starts. They’re putting us up in a hotel nearby.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, forcing myself to sound much brighter than I felt. ‘It’s not your fault. We can catch up when you’re done.’

  ‘Are you okay? You sound a bit funny.’

  Where to begin? Was I okay? Considering my daughter’s father had just announced he wanted to see her after being away for more than a year, and I’d just upset my favourite aunt on behalf of my dad?

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said.

  I gave Dora her tea and together we watched an actor who wasn’t nearly as good as Jack, in my opinion, read the bedtime story on CBeebies. Dora obviously thought so too because she turned to me at the end, her little face creased in a frown.

  ‘Where is Jack?’ she said.

  ‘He’s at work, darling.’

  ‘Jack read the story?’

  ‘Not today.’

  I put her to bed and tucked her in. On the wall next to where she slept, she had photographs of my parents, one of my sister Imogen and brother Andy – who was away so often she’d barely met him – one of Miranda and Freddie, and one of Greg. I’d put it there after he’d gone to Canada, even though we’d not parted on particularly good terms.