Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “Thanks.”

  We toasted each other.

  “I’m only in Nuremberg for the weekend,” said Jessica, close to my ear. “I’m from Hamburg.”

  “You came just for the gala?”

  She nodded. “The most beautiful women are said to be here.” She gave me a meaningful look, which made me all nervous. I hadn’t really intended to flirt tonight, let alone at the gala. I quickly took a big sip.

  “It’s really good, not too dry.” I gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

  She came closer. “Would you like to dance?”

  The show had ended in the meantime, and the DJ was playing house music again.

  I hesitated for a moment considering whether I should actually bother getting to know Jessica. “I don’t really feel like dancing tonight,” I said lamely, which she acknowledged with a grin. “Then I’ll dance, just hold on to me.”

  I involuntarily snorted and finally shrugged. “Why not?”

  Jessica took my hand and led me onto the dance floor. On the way, I emptied my second glass of prosecco, before circling my hips like I’d learned at the Zumba class. My moves didn’t really match the beat of the house music, but they seemed to be the easiest thing to do. Jessica, on the other hand, was a great dancer. She was limber and reminded me of that Indian goddess with the eight arms.

  “Do you do Zumba?” she suddenly asked, without missing a beat.

  “I had a trial lesson. Can you tell?”

  She laughed and nodded. “Yes, but it looks good. Keep going.”

  Gradually, I loosened up. Jessica was actually a lot of fun. We joked about other dancers who were even clumsier than us, and just chatted nonsense. Eventually, I was ready for a break. “I’m exhausted,” I gasped running my hands through my sweaty hair. I didn’t even want to know what I looked like right now. “I need a break.”

  “Me, too,” Jessica agreed, even though she still looked fresh and energetic, although her red curls clung around her damp hairline. We wriggled our way through the people, and this time, I bought the next round.

  “Want to get some fresh air?” she asked, and I nodded. It was incredibly stuffy in the ballroom.

  41

  We walked out side-by-side. The crisp night air soothed my warm skin like a caress and gradually cooled my body. Still holding my glass, I toasted with Jessica, before we strolled to a nearby park bench and sat down. Countless stars glittered on the black canopy of the night sky above us, as a blinking dot slowly moved across the firmament.

  “That was fun.” Jessica tipped back her glass.

  “Yeah, that was awesome.” I also took a sip. “What made you decide to come all the way here just for the gala?”

  Jessica looked down at the ground, lost in what seemed like a painful memory. “I was invited. I met a woman on a dating platform, and we really hit it off. Unfortunately, I realized that I didn’t like her in real life as much as I did online.”

  “Did she look that bad?”

  “Let’s just say she didn’t look like her pictures at all, and she was twenty years older.”

  “Ouch!” I clapped my hand over my mouth.

  She shrugged her shoulders.

  We sat for a while, cooling down.

  “I’m going back inside. It’s getting chilly.” Jessica rubbed her arms.

  “I’d like to stay for a bit.” I was enjoying the quiet and wanted to rest for another few minutes before I threw myself back into the mayhem.

  “See you later.” Jessica went back inside, while I got up to walk a bit. Unexpectedly, Ben once again popped into my mind. I had to admit to myself that I missed him; he lingered in my thoughts longer than I wanted. Suddenly, I felt lonely—as if I were stuck in place watching time fade away. Ben didn’t want me, but I, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to move on and finally put him behind. Tomorrow I would go back home, tell Ben that everything was fine, and pretend I was not even remotely interested in him. Deciding to go back inside, I spotted two women a few feet in front of me standing close together in the shadows of a chestnut tree. Their voices sounded familiar, and I hesitated. One of them was definitely Martha.

  “I really don’t know what to do anymore. Caro is always mad at me,” she said in a frustrated voice. I stopped in my tracks, which was a bad idea because there was nowhere for me to hide. If they turned their heads, I was screwed.

  “Since when do you get so involved in relationships?” the other asked. Now, I recognized the platinum-blonde pixie cut—it was Sarah, Martha’s ex.

  “Caro is special. Somehow, she makes me really happy. Then again, she can get so annoying with her constant distrust.”

  As if in slow motion, Sarah extended a hand to stroke Martha’s cheek, before she pulled her close. “Forget about Caro for a minute—since you’ve been with her, all you talk about is that chick. I swear, I hardly recognize you. Relax.” Her hands slid down Martha’s back, as her lips searched for Martha’s. “Why don’t you let me distract you for a bit?”

  “Cut it out, Sarah,” Martha gasped, pulling back abruptly. “I love Caro.”

  “What’s the big deal?” Her hand wandered inside Martha’s shirt, and both of them moaned before they kissed passionately, and Martha pulled Sarah’s shirt up. Wow! What a cheat Martha was!

  At this point, I could finally move again, so I cleared my throat loudly. They turned in my direction. Martha’s jaw dropped, and hastily she pushed Sarah away, looking as if she were waking up from a trance.

  “The two of you are the worst,” I said disgusted. I really wanted to slap Martha right then and there; it felt as if she’d cheated on me along with Caro.

  Sarah on the other hand just shrugged; she obviously didn’t give a crap. “We were only making out a little.” Her indifference made my blood boil.

  “You guys are unbelievable.” I turned away to look for Caro and tell her what I’d seen.

  “Luca, wait,” I heard Martha call.

  I sped up, but she caught up with me and blocked my way.

  “I didn’t plan for that to happen. Please don’t tell Caro.”

  “You gotta be kidding me!” I volleyed back at her like a tennis ball.

  “Nothing really happened.”

  “Because I interrupted you.” I shook my head at their brazenness.

  “I love Caro, honestly. It was a slip-up.”

  I couldn’t believe it. “Martha, there’s no way I’m going to just sit here and watch you hurt my best friend, who happens to love you more than anything else.”

  “At least, let me tell her myself,” Martha rubbed her hands. “But not today, next week.”

  “You’re out of your mind.”

  “Luca. Caro’s test at the gallery is next Monday. They really liked her portfolio. If I tell her tonight, she’ll be a mess and ruin everything on Monday. We can’t do that to her. She’s worked too hard for this opportunity.”

  Grinding my teeth, I had to admit that Martha was right. Caro would certainly not get one straight brush stroke on the canvas on Monday if they broke up tonight. But the thought of having to pretend to my best friend for the next few days that everything was okay, even though I knew her partner was cheating on her, was unbearable for me. What was I supposed to do?

  “C’mon Luca. Just for a couple of days. I won’t tell her that you knew, either. Let me confess to her myself. I owe it to Caro.”

  “Alright,” I finally agreed with a heavy heart, but this was an awful predicament because I really struggled with this decision. “But if you haven’t come clean by next weekend, I’ll tell her.”

  Martha patted my shoulder. “I owe you one.”

  “You don’t owe me a thing,” I replied coldly, meaning what I said. “And now, just go away.”

  Martha walked past me towards the ballroom, and I followed her at a distance. Inside, I looked for Caro and found her standing next to Michelle—they were laughing and giggling at something. Caro looked so happy that my heart ached. Martha walked up to them and slip
ped an arm around her waist as if everything was just fine. Caro immediately snuggled up to her.

  Suddenly, I felt like I was the one ruining my friend’s happiness, even though upon closer inspection, that was completely irrational. Sighing, I headed for the bar.

  42

  A few days later, I was watching Sex and the City reruns with Toby and Ellen in the living room. Actually, Toby had wanted to watch something else, but we’d overruled him. He gave in with a sigh and could only shake his head every once in a while.

  “You girls are actually worse than us guys, you know?” he finally remarked, as Carrie gave her friends a detailed description of her sexual exploits from the night before.

  Ellen sat up. “Why?”

  “Men just do it, we don’t carry on afterwards for hours about our conquests with our buddies.”

  “As if you guys never boast to your friends,” I pointed out coolly. He couldn’t tell me that.

  “We might talk about it, you’re right, but not in full detail like that. All we might ask is: Did you hook up with her? Yes. Did she let you? Yes. How was it? Awesome. End of conversation.” He looked at me over Ellen’s head. “But you women tell each other everything. Every little detail, starting with the size of his penis up to his bedroom skills. You zoom right in, that’s just too much.”

  When Ellen nodded, which made Toby throw her a shocked glance. “You do that too? Does Selina know stuff like that about me?”

  “Course not.” She winked at me. “Just that you’re a crazy good lover.”

  Toby leaned back, a flattered grin on his face. “Am I?”

  “You’re the best,” she assured him, patting his chest.

  “Now that I know that, I can die happy,” I remarked dryly, and they both laughed.

  Ben appeared in the doorway. “What are you guys watching?”

  “Certainly not soccer,” I quipped.

  “They won’t let me,” Toby complained. “Instead, I’m being tortured by having to listen to stupid conversations about female sex fantasies. The women there,” he pointed to the TV screen, “are doing it all over the place. Imagine if we did that, put our sex lives on public display like them, we’d be called macho and chauvinist. But when they do that, it’s something totally different, of course.”

  Ben sat down on the armrest next to me, just as Samantha, naked, enjoyed a romp in a love swing with some guy. He nudged me in the side. “Are you into that?”

  “No,” I replied curtly.

  “Too bad, I haven’t tried that yet.”

  “You should watch more Sex and the City, maybe you’d learn a new thing or two.”

  “I prefer to practice in real life.”

  “Not lately, though.” I couldn’t help myself, but whispered it so the other two wouldn’t hear. Ben looked deep into my eyes.

  “No, not lately,” he confirmed just as quietly.

  A tiny shiver of happiness went through my chest and flashed right into my heart. When I looked to the side, I caught a cold stare from Ellen, which she aimed at Ben next.

  “Why shouldn’t women be open about their sexuality?” Ellen suddenly asked. “We have as much right to indulge our sexual needs as guys, if we feel like it.”

  “That sounds a bit clinical,” Ben observed.

  “When I was single, I had one-night stands every now and then.” She shrugged while Toby sat up to look her in the eyes.

  “Good to know.”

  “What’s the big deal?” She sat up too. “Don’t pretend that you didn’t have a sex life before you met me.”

  “Well, I did.” Toby scratched his chin “But it’s different with men. We need sex for stress relief.”

  I burst out laughing. Stress relief!!! Who was he kidding?

  “Dude, we don’t need sex for stress relief,” Ben stabbed him in the back. “We do it because it’s fun, because it’s satisfying, and because we’re happy afterward.”

  “It’s exactly the same for us,” Ellen agreed. “It’s the world’s favorite pastime.”

  “But not with a complete stranger.” I was appalled.

  “Why not?” Ellen seemed surprised.

  They all looked at me skeptically, and I got the feeling I’d just said something phenomenally stupid.

  “I mean, one-night stands are so impersonal,” I defended myself.

  I couldn’t help but throw Ben a sidelong glance.

  “What’s a one-night stand like for guys, Ben?” Ellen addressed him. “What do you think about during sex?”

  “I don’t think about anything. Men can’t fuck and think at the same time.” He put one foot on the seat and propped his forearms on his thighs. “But I honestly think if Luca doesn’t want to be with a guy for one night only, that’s absolutely fine.”

  Did I hear him right? When had this change of heart occurred? I could distinctly remember him expressing very different opinions on this matter in the past.

  “But she doesn’t even know what she’s missing,” Ellen pointed out. “For me, Luca’s just holding onto some very old-fashioned morals.” Now, she looked at me as if I were nuts. “How can you even exist without having sex at all? That’s just too weird.”

  “Yeah, Luca, how do you do that? How can you stand it?” Toby asked now as well. “Do you masturbate?”

  “Course she does,” Ben replied in my place, while I looked back and forth in bewilderment. “We all do it.”

  I felt myself turn bright red, while I hoped from the bottom of my heart that I hadn’t moaned out loud during my dream the other night. If Ben brought it up now, I’d throw myself straight out the window. Right now!

  “Um... Shall we switch to soccer?” I suggested cautiously and reached for the remote.

  “Don’t tell me we’re making you feel uncomfortable.” Ellen grabbed the remote out of my hand. “Girl, you definitely need a one-night stand. You just can’t die without having that experience.”

  “I’m not suffering from a terminal illness. I’ve got a couple more years ahead of me, there’s no need to rush into anything.” I was starting to feel a bit nauseous now.

  “Come on, you’re twenty-three and you’ve never had a single one-night stand. That’s so sad. We gotta get you one.”

  “Cut the crap. Are you out of your fucking mind?” Ben sounded angry.

  “You stay out of this,” she hissed.

  “C’mon, Luca.” She took my hands. “We’ll find you a hot guy. Next week, at the festival. Why don’t you come with us and see what happens? I know some very handsome men who could give you a run for your money.”

  “I... I don’t know,” I stammered. Dammit, I didn’t want to have sex with a stranger. That just wasn’t me.

  “Are you insane?” Ben backed me up. “You’re talking her into something she doesn’t even want. Leave her the fuck alone. Some people are a little more inhibited in that regard, so what? You need to back off.”

  Inhibited? He still thought I was inhibited? Wow, that one hurt. Ben thought I was frigid.

  “Why do you always keep butting in?” Ellen hissed. “Are you really worried about her, or does it just bug you that Luca hasn’t slept with you yet?”

  “I haven’t even tried,” he replied, getting up. “Otherwise she’d have had one long ago.”

  What was that supposed to mean?

  Ben turned and stomped out, slamming the door to his room with a loud bang.

  “Did you have to do that again?” Toby sounded upset.

  Ellen sank against the backrest. “He comes across as if he’s this man of principles, but he really only uses other people.” She turned to me again. “What about next Saturday? Are you coming to the festival?”

  “I’ll think about it.” I took a look at my phone. “So late already.” I got up hastily. “I really need to study for my exam tomorrow.” After a quick wave, I hurried to my room. Honestly, a one-night stand was the absolute last thing on my mind right now. I certainly wasn’t going to have a roll in the hay with some random wild
stallion.

  43

  I sat at my desk, staring at my notes and trying to concentrate, while the previous conversation kept playing in an endless loop in my head. Those three had talked about sex the same way other people talked about the weather, and I felt completely left out. Did I seem so desperate to others that even Ellen wanted to set me up? Was Ben secretly making fun of me? If he’d really wanted to, she would have had one long ago. What did he mean by that? Was he that sure of himself, or was he just messing with me, and I didn’t get it? Sighing, I flipped back a page, realizing with alarm that I hadn’t retained one single thing. Tomorrow’s test would end in a fiasco. The night was going to be a long one; I needed something to keep me awake. Why did I always wait until the last minute to study? After a thorough stretching, I got up to brew a pot of strong coffee and was startled when Ben entered my room without knocking. He closed the door behind him and walked up to me, seeming strangely agitated.

  “Don’t do it,” he said, almost imploringly.

  “What are you talking about?”

  He put one hand on his forehead and ran it slowly through his brown hair. “Don’t sleep with some random guy.”

  “Why do you even care?”

  “You’re not like that.” He paused and took a deep breath. “You have principles. Values. Sex means something to you. Please don’t do it.”

  I couldn’t believe it. Ben was worried about my morals?

  “I find it odd that you, of all people, a guy who has women lining up left and right, are advising me against a little casual fun.”

  Ben stared right through me. “Yes, me of all people. But this is different.”

  “Why is it different? Because you’re a man?”

  “No, goddammit!” he snapped at me, his eyes blazing. “Of course, that’s not why. I… Because… Because…” He pressed both palms against his eyes and stood still, then he let his arms sink. “I can’t tell you why, just please don’t do it.”