Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  He was hiding something, and I decided to find out what it was. “Why shouldn’t I have a one-night stand? Have some fun, no strings attached.” He looked at me more appalled with every word that came out of my mouth, I saw the consternation literally grow inside him.

  Slowly, he came up to me and took my face in both hands. His fingers were warm and pressed into my skin as if he were afraid I might break free.

  “Don’t do it,” he implored me.

  It took me a moment to sort out the chaos in my head and think clearly again. My heart started pounding restlessly in my chest as I realized why Ben had come to me. He wanted me—and I wanted him. I wanted to have the most wonderful and passionate sex with him I could imagine, then fall asleep by his side and nestle into the crook of his arm. And I wanted that every day. Cautiously, I put my hands on his hips. I felt his hip bones and stroked his back. Ben took a deep breath.

  “Then at least have it with me, Luca. I’ll make it a night to remember. I promise.”

  My chest constricted so violently that it almost hurt, only to erupt in an explosion of happiness. Ben’s hand was on my neck, pulling me against him. Trembling inside, I closed my eyes, exploring the muscles on his ribs with my fingers. Ben’s lips gently met my cheek, he blew a kiss on it before slowly moving his mouth to my ear. When he kissed me there, butterflies fluttered in my stomach, and I lost my breath for a moment. I gasped involuntarily as Ben breathed quickly and heatedly close to my ear. When he nibbled my earlobe, I clawed into his t-shirt, all dizzy. The feelings he evoked in me far surpassed those from my dream. Burning desire blazed from my stomach, over my chest, and seared down my back. I pressed myself against him, running my hands along his sides until they reached the waistband of his jeans and slipped under his shirt. Gently, I caressed his bare, soft skin. Ben moaned quietly.

  “I know all about you,” he whispered, short-winded. “I know your humor, your moods, your big heart, I even know your cycle, but I don’t know what you look like.”

  I circled his belly button with my fingertips and stroked his stomach up to his chest. If he ripped my clothes off now, I’d help him. His lips touched my neck, and a pleasant shiver ran down my spine. I raised my head, felt his body heat, and nearly passed out from desire. He reached for my breast, tenderly and carefully caressing it. My most sensitive parts were throbbing. Oh, heavens, I wanted Ben so much. Finally, I took his face in both hands and stretched up to kiss him. I had risen to my tiptoes and leaned in, when he turned his head. I ended up brushing his chin with my lips while he slid his hands down to my waist. I froze. My body was white hot. Ben Nowak would not kiss me on the mouth. He wouldn’t kiss me on the mouth! My heart broke as I realized I was just another one of his momentary conquests, nothing more. Of course, he had no deeper feelings for me. Abruptly, I pulled free and stepped back.

  “Get out.”

  He looked at me confused. “What’s wrong? Did I do something? Was I moving too fast?”

  “Just get out.” I swallowed back my tears. There was no way I was going to cry in front of him. Ben had screwed me over, just like Ellen had warned; he was only using me.

  He stepped closer again, but I backed away.

  “Find someone else, now go.”

  “Luca, can’t we talk about this?”

  “Talk about what?” I yelled, although Toby and Ellen could probably hear us. “About me being the next notch on your bedpost? About you using me like all the others?”

  “It’s not like that.” He spread his hands. “Let me explain.”

  I laughed bitterly. “I get the picture.”

  “I’m not trying to use you.”

  “Then why don’t you kiss me?”

  “I did kiss you.” He seemed confused.

  “On the mouth.”

  We stared at each other in silence. Ben looked like a caged animal, his gaze darting in every direction as I waited for an answer with trembling breath.

  “I can’t kiss you,” he finally said. It was the absolute worst rebuff anyone had ever given me.

  “And why not?” My voice shook.

  “I just can’t, okay?” The tendons on his neck tightened, his arm muscles tensed.

  “Then I can’t sleep with you.” He was crazy if he actually thought we could have sex under these circumstances. A quickie before we got back to business as usual. What he did to me hurt so, so bad.

  “It’s for the best,” he finally said in a flat voice. “Better stay away from me, or you’ll end up regretting it.”

  “I already do,” I threw out, only to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Even though every single word was a lie. I didn’t regret it; I was completely devastated.

  Instead of giving me an answer, or finally an explanation, he turned around and stormed out of my room.

  “Ben!” I yelled after him. “Wait!” But he’d already gone to his room, slammed the door, and turned the key in the lock, while I sat down on my bed and let my tears flow. For many minutes, I just sat there and watched my heart drown. The pain in my chest became overwhelming and threatened to break me into pieces. Ben would never kiss me. How could I have thought even for a second that a man like him would take a serious interest in me? I pressed both hands to my face and wept. More than anything in the world, I wanted to go after him now and throw all my bitter feelings right into his face. Ask him whether he even realized what he was doing to me when he trampled over my soul with his selfish manner. Tell him how shabby he had behaved by treating me as if I wasn’t worth his love. I wanted to tell him all this so that he would finally understand; so that for once, he could feel what was going on inside of me. Instead, Ben was drowning in his own self-pity, pretending I could count myself lucky to be scorned by him. How abysmally stupid I’d been making myself believe things that had never been real. I let myself be blinded by his sweet talk until he had me right where he wanted me. I desired him, wanted him with every fiber in my body. Even worse, I loved him with all his flaws and weaknesses. Why did he do this to me? Once again, I had to admit that he was just out of my league. I had attributed even the slightest change in his character, in his behavior, to myself – that he had stopped hunting because of me. I’d misinterpreted his glances and words, and had hoped he felt something for me too. Now, I was sitting here and realizing the exact opposite was true. And yet, there was still the one thing he wanted so badly, but didn’t get from me. Apparently, he didn’t want anyone else to have me either; for whatever reason. So, I made a decision. I would go to the festival on Saturday, find myself a one-night stand, and bring him home with me to our apartment.

  * * *

  My phone rang in the middle of the night. Dad glowed on the display.

  “Hello,” I said sleepily.

  “Hi, sweetheart,” I heard my father’s deep voice. “Did I wake you up?”

  “No, what’s up?”

  “I have to tell you something.”

  Silence.

  “What is it?” I finally dared to ask. An uneasy feeling joined my already desperate mood.

  “You won’t believe what’s happened. I met somebody, and I like her a lot.”

  His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He hadn’t had any relationships since my mother died. He couldn’t just... I had no words. I just listened in silence, not knowing a single thing to say.

  “Sweetheart, please. You have to understand. She makes me really happy. You’ll meet her when you come over summer break. I’m sure you’ll like her.”

  “And what about Munich? I was going to move there too, mainly because of you. What am I supposed to do there all by myself?”

  “Can’t you find a job in Erlangen for two years until…”

  “Until you don’t come back at all,” I bitterly ended the sentence for him, although I knew that I was being unfair and possibly taking out my frustration with Ben on him.

  Silence spread on the line.

  “You’re not a child anymore,” he finally said. “I do want you close too. But sooner or la
ter you’ll get married and have a family of your own. Your old man will be nothing but a burden to you then.”

  “It’s okay,” I relented. A bittersweet feeling rose inside of me. On the one hand, with all my heart, I truly wished him a second chance at love with a woman who made him happy. On the other, however, a childish feeling of jealousy gnawed inside my chest. After wrestling with myself, I decided I would give his new lady love a chance. Who knew how things would turn out? Besides, I couldn’t deal with my father right now. Ben’s barging into my room earlier had devastated me. I still couldn’t think clearly. Luckily, my father couldn’t see that tears were streaming down my face.

  “When we meet in August, we’ll talk more, okay? I am happy for you.” I wiped my cheeks. “Can we talk again this weekend? This is all a bit unexpected.”

  “Thanks for understanding. Of course, we can. You’ll like her, I’m sure of it.”

  “I’ll talk to you soon.” I hung up and let my tears flow freely. Suddenly, I felt abandoned by everyone I loved.

  44

  “You don’t seriously want to go through with this?” Caro asked, aghast. We were at the Havana Bar for happy hour, enjoying melon daiquiris. Caro had made it to the final round at the gallery, even though she hadn’t even known there was another evaluation round. The final decision would be made on Saturday.

  “Why not?” I sipped on my straw, letting the melony goodness melt on my tongue.

  “Because you can’t sleep with a guy just to get back at Ben. Luca, that’s sick.”

  Of course, my plan was sick, I knew that. After all, I had spent days trying to talk myself out of it. Until I realized it wasn’t only about Ben. I didn’t even know whether Ben would feel hurt. It was much more likely he’d find a bed bunny to bring home on Saturday night.

  In fact, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Ben had put the whole thing behind him, because he was behaving strangely indifferent towards me. Although he talked to me as if nothing had ever happened between us, our conversations never went beyond small talk. As if I were an acquaintance he’d run into sometimes in town. The gorge between us was as deep as the Mariana Trench.

  “It’s not just about Ben.” I lifted my glass off the table and leaned back. “It’s about me too. Why shouldn’t I let loose a little? Obviously, everyone around me does. I’m the only dummy who’s stupid enough to let outdated moral standards stop her from experiencing new things.”

  Caro leaned across the table. “Because you’re doing your best to talk yourself into it, that’s why. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having casual sex when you’re single. But you have to actually be ready for it, and you’re not. Not the way you’re overthinking it. Either you do it and stand by it, or you don’t. At least, that’s what I think.”

  I slipped on my white cardigan; it was getting a bit chilly. “But maybe I just need to do it once. How else will I know whether I enjoy quick, uncomplicated sex if I don’t give it a shot? And, who knows…” I twisted the black straw between my thumb and forefinger. “In the end, maybe I’ll be a natural. Maybe a one-night stand is just what I need right now.”

  Caro blew a strand of hair from her face. “And what exactly do you plan on doing with your hookup? Lie down and say, ‘Let’s see what you’ve got, big guy’.”

  We giggled.

  “Sounds about right, yeah.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “Why?” I put my now empty glass back down.

  “Honest opinion?” She looked at me very piercingly.

  “Don’t hold back.”

  “Then you could’ve slept with Ben; who already promised to give you the night of your life.”

  My shoulders tensed. “Ben’s a completely different story.”

  “Why, though? If all you care about is sex, then he’s as good as anyone else.”

  “But it wouldn’t be all about sex with him.”

  “I see.”

  “Nothing, I see,” I hissed and waved the waitress over. “It’s over with Ben.”

  “Talk to him,” Caro said earnestly, “I find it hard to believe he’s that much of a jerk. He’s always so nice at the gym. I’m sure he is a good guy. Maybe there’s a reason behind his strange behavior.”

  “No way,” I snapped. “Ben is history. Saturday, I’m going to the festival, and if I like somebody there, I’m taking him home. This has nothing to do with Ben.”

  Caro snorted. She seemed upset, and I didn’t quite get why. Why was she all up in my business? Even worse—why on earth was she defending Ben?

  “Why would you take your conquest home with you? So Ben sees him?”

  That’s exactly why. “I’m not set on that,” I said breezily. “There’s a chance we might end up at his place. Now, let’s not talk about this anymore, please.”

  The chubby waitress finally made it to our table. “What can I get you?”

  “Two more, please,” I ordered. “Are you going to the festival on Saturday?” I didn’t feel comfortable going into this battle by myself. Actually, I felt like I was about to walk the plank.

  “Of course, we’ll be there. I’ll have to check out the guy that you’re planning to hook up with first,” she threatened me.

  “Who’s we?”

  “Me and Martha,” she explained, as if I was a bit dimwitted.

  Oh, apparently Martha didn’t intend to fess up any time soon. What was I supposed to do now? If I told Caro about Martha’s infidelity, I would have to admit that I’d known about it since last weekend. And she would never forgive me for that. Never ever, for sure. Caro’s phone rang. She took the call, and chirped into the phone for a bit. “Martha’s on her way,” she announced after ending the call.

  The waitress came back with full glasses and put them on the table.

  I took the melon slice off the glass and bit into it. How was I supposed to act around Martha? As angry as I was at her, Caro would immediately notice with her x-ray vision that something was off. I silently cursed Martha; the cheater.

  “Something wrong?” Caro asked, but then a bright smile lit up her face. Immediately, I discovered the reason for her dazzling mood. Martha sauntered towards us and gave Caro a kiss on the lips without batting an eyelash before sitting down as if everything was just fine.

  I hadn’t seen such impertinence for a long time and glared at her.

  “Hello,” I growled as she blinked in my direction.

  “Hi… How’d it go?” She turned hastily to Caro, and—completely ignored me. Unbelievable.

  “Friday is the final round. Three candidates remain in the running. We have to create a painting, and they’ll decide on Saturday.”

  “You’ll get the job.” Martha leaned an arm on the back of her chair at a slight angle away from me. That was the last straw. I drummed on the tabletop with my fingernails. How I would have loved to take out my frustration on Martha. At least she’d deserve it.

  “I have to.” She put a hand on Martha’s thigh. “But I’m so nervous.”

  “Fingers crossed,” I promised. “And Saturday, we’ll celebrate at the festival.”

  “Which festival?” Martha raised an eyebrow when she noticed me shooting daggers at her with my eyes.

  “Yeah, we’re all going to the annual spring festival,” I said sweetly. “Caro’s final round will be over—something we can all look forward to.”

  A sudden coughing fit shook muscle-bound Martha.

  “Are you alright?” I asked pointedly. Having to maintain this charade in front of Caro was really hard. What Martha did was inexcusable, but even worse, she’d made me her accomplice.

  “It’s okay,” she gasped, but Caro quickly held the cocktail glass to her lips, and her sweetheart took a big sip.

  “What the hell is this?” she asked, wiping her mouth in disgust.

  “A melon Daiquiri.”

  “I’m gonna get a beer.”

  “I’ll get you one.” Caro stood up, but Martha held her by the wrist.

  “I ca
n go myself.”

  “I don’t mind.” Caro blew a kiss on her lips before she wriggled past the tables.

  It hurt me to watch Caro being taken for a fool, especially since I knew exactly how that felt.

  “Now that we’re finally alone,” I said in a saccharine-sweet tone. I was pleased to notice a single bead of sweat run down Martha’s temple.

  “Hey, Luca, you heard her. There’s another round at the gallery on Friday. You’ve given me until the weekend.”

  “How can you sit here without a guilty conscience, have Caro bring you a beer, and pretend everything’s fine?” I didn’t understand Martha at all.

  “I just want to enjoy our last days together.” Martha took a coaster from the stack on the table and fiddled with it.

  “You’re really sick.” Only she could make me as mad as Ben did.

  “What?” Martha sounded upset. “You two are way too emotional. The one has nothing to do with the other.”

  “Don’t give me that crap again.”

  “Just because I make out with someone else doesn’t mean I don’t love Caro anymore. Honestly, a little fling is no reason to throw it all away. So, I tripped up one time over one woman…”

  “That’s a nice way of putting it,” I interrupted her furiously. “So, you tripped over Sarah and landed right in her blouse.”

  Martha folded the coaster in half as if it were my neck. I swallowed.

  “I’m going to tell her everything, but you’ll have to live with the consequences.”

  “So, you’re going to tell her I caught you guys.”

  “No.” She threw the broken coaster back on the table. “But you won’t keep your mouth shut, I know you. You never can.”

  I gasped at the insult.

  “Because, I still have a conscience,” I snapped, but Martha was wrong. There was no way I was going to ever tell Caro about this. On the contrary! I intended to take this secret to my grave.