Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “You’re arrogant, that’s all.” Martha gnashed her teeth. “What do you even know about Caro and me? Nothing. You’ve made up some shit about me in your head. You believe I’m cheating on my partner because all I care about is myself.”

  That was exactly what I thought of her. It was unbelievable how alike she and Ben were, in terms of selfishness—they definitely played in the same league. On top of that, she had cheated on my best friend, and now she was pretending to be the love of Caro’s life.

  “You’re behaving just as badly as guys do,” I yapped, thinking about Ben, that miserable narcissist.

  “And you take a one size fits all approach! What does this have to do with guys? I know men who have been with their partners for years, and women who take what they need. You like to file people away according to their crimes.”

  I stared at her speechlessly. My motto had always been: “Live and let live,” and “Everyone as they please.” Still, Martha’s accusations gave me pause for thought. Was I perhaps not as open-minded as I’d always believed?

  “Maybe there is something to that,” I admitted. “I have my own flaws, but Caro is my best friend, and I don’t want her to get hurt. I am always there for her, and I’ve got her back.”

  “And that’s awesome,” Martha said softly as she grabbed Caro’s cocktail. She took a big sip straight from the glass and grimaced again in disgust. “I grew up in an orphanage and in foster care; my childhood wasn’t pretty,” she went on. “I was always being moved around, got in trouble with my teachers and my foster parents. So, the best thing for me to do was not to allow myself to develop feelings for anybody, because I never knew how long I was going to stay in one place.” She looked down, and my heart sank. “When I was sixteen, I had a counselor at the group home who really spent a lot of time with me. She took care of me and listened to my problems. She was my first love.” Martha laughed softly and somewhat painfully. “It was unrequited. I never told her about my secret crush on her, but every time she hugged me, it was like the sun came up, and a warmth spread in my heart that I didn’t know I had. For the first time in my life, someone gave me affection, and I clung to this woman, hoping she’d eventually love me back. One day, she came in with this huge smile on her face and told me she was going to have a baby and was getting married. And I completely lost it. I trashed her room and smashed everything into little pieces, before I slashed my wrist open.” Martha pushed up her sleeve to show me a long scar that ran up her forearm. She blinked a couple of times. “Afterwards, I swore to myself I would never again allow anybody to do that to me. Do you understand? I’m doing great today. I’ve built a life for myself; I know hundreds of people, have business connections, and a good job. And I’ve achieved all of that by myself. I didn’t have parents to give me a leg up, and I never ever want to go back to that point in my life, even if it means letting my emotions run low. But Caro really means a lot to me. I’m not lying.”

  My heart sank to my stomach. “I had no idea, Martha, I’m really sorry. I didn’t know anything about you having a difficult childhood—it would have made me see things differently if I’d known.” I clamped a hand to my mouth and felt as if I’d personally inflicted that deep cut on Martha’s forearm.

  “And there you go again with the emotional crap,” she grumbled and was back to the tough old Martha. “Don’t always pretend like you’re responsible for all the injustices in the world. I will talk to Caro this weekend. In my own way. Can we leave it at that?”

  I nodded. “Okay.” I was at a loss of words. Me and my stupid big mouth. In order not to have to look Martha in the eyes any longer, I gazed past her. “Caro is coming back.” To be honest, I’d never been so glad to see my best friend.

  Caro hugged Martha from behind and held the brown beer bottle in front of her face. “Here you go, darling.”

  Martha turned to her, and her features softened and appeared almost wistful. For the very first time, I recognized deep emotions in Martha’s eyes and felt torn. On the one hand, I didn’t want my best friend to be betrayed; on the other, I truly hoped they would get their relationship back on track after this incredible confession.

  45

  I spun around in front of my mirror so that my skirt flared out. For the first time, I was wearing my green dirndl dress with the red checked apron. I had originally bought it for the festival last year, but then stuck it back in my closet and wore baggy jeans and a loose-fitting top instead, because the dirndl had emphasized my bust too much. Today, however, I felt comfortable in it, even though I rarely wore dresses. Over the past weeks, I had started wearing tighter clothes and, to my surprise, nobody had made fun of my breasts. Now and then, I registered a flattering look from a guy, but that was about it. And tonight, I wanted to look hot. Tonight, I was on the prowl.

  I stepped out into the hallway where Toby and Ellen were already waiting for me. Toby was wearing a blue checkered shirt that really looked good on him. Ben also planned to join us.

  Toby gave a whistle. “Wow, Luca. Now, that’s what I call a rack!”

  I rolled my eyes and stole a glance at Ellen’s cleavage. She must have been wearing a padded push-up, because her breasts looked bigger than usual, though altogether she looked ravishing. Her dirndl wasn’t a simple off-the-rack dress like mine—hers was black and red, with intricate orange-red flames embroidered on the apron. Her hemline ended a good bit above her knees, which accentuated her long, slender legs. Without a doubt, Ellen knew how to draw attention to herself.

  She stepped towards me. “You look great. Ready for your big night?” she asked ambiguously.

  “You know what?” I tried to brush it off. “I’ll just let things run their course. If something happens, okay, if not, whatever.”

  At exactly that moment, Ben joined us. He wore a red plaid shirt with his jeans and had definitely heard what I said, though he ignored me. Instead, he turned to Toby without paying any attention to me or Ellen. Crap, he was obviously still mad.

  “We can go. Erdie is already there.”

  “Let’s roll.” Toby opened the door and let us file out, before he locked up after us.

  Toby and Ellen held hands as they strolled along the narrow sidewalk, so Ben and I had no choice but to follow behind them side-by-side. I racked my brain for a harmless topic to start a conversation.

  “New shirt?” I smiled, but he remained impassive.

  “Yes, even I buy new clothes from time to time.”

  Once again, he was showing his most amiable side. So typical. Idiot. “Do you have to be so snotty?”

  He snorted. “Did you join the Wardrobe Monitoring Commission?”

  “Did you join the I-Act-Like-An-Ass Commission?

  “In your eyes, I always am.”

  “Right now, you are.”

  “So sorry, if I’m spoiling your big night.”

  “You’re such a jerk.”

  “You’re gonna meet even bigger ones tonight. Trust me.”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  He waved me off. “I really don’t give a shit.”

  Toby turned around. “Guys, be peaceful for once.”

  With my crossed arms, I kept on walking beside Ben in silence. And they say that we women are complicated…

  Finally, we reached the fairgrounds, which were already overflowing with people. We pushed our way through the chattering masses while Ben talked to Erdie on the phone and got directions. I had no choice, but to follow Ben and had a hard time not losing him in the crowd, because he stubbornly hurried along without a thought for his companions. Ellen took my hand and pulled me behind her. At least I wasn’t going to lose her. Finally, we found the new lovebirds at a bar table with a group of other people.

  “Hey.” I hugged Rhashmi, who was also wearing a traditional dirndl, which complimented her dark complexion.

  “Hey, what a crowd,” she said.

  “It’s crazy,” I agreed, as a young guy bumped into me from behind, pressing me up aga
inst Rhashmi.

  “Hey, Shorty, what’s up?” Erdie greeted me with his signature fake punch.

  “Nothing much.”

  “What did you do to Ben?” Rhashmi whispered in my ear.

  “Nothing. Why?”

  “He looks pissed.”

  “And how is that supposed to be my fault?” I defended myself. “Maybe he’s got a beef with Erdie.” But then I noticed the two of them talking to each other, laughing quietly. Well, I guess that excuse didn’t work. To escape from the inquisition, I pretended to be thirsty. “Hey, I’m getting a drink. Be right back.” I took off before she could ask any more uncomfortable questions. Why did Rhashmi immediately assume that I was responsible for Ben being grouchy?

  After a half an hour, I finally had a glass of prosecco in my hand. At least, I had bumped into a couple fellow students in line and had someone to talk to, thankfully. But after looking everywhere, I couldn’t find my friends. Crap. Wherever I turned, there were throngs of people. I didn’t see any of them. Every other person was wearing either a checked shirt or a dirndl; obviously, searching for my friends by their clothing wasn’t going to help. Sighing, I got out my cell phone and dialed Toby’s number. I had briefly considered calling Ben, but quickly changed my mind. He’d probably ignore me when he saw my name show up on the display. The call connected, and at the same time, I heard the Darth Vader theme behind me, the one that always plays whenever he appeared in the movies. When I turned around, I spotted Toby and the others crack up laughing. Even Ben joined in!

  “You gave me the Darth Vader ringtone?” I snapped at Toby, while the boys laughed some more.

  “I still have it saved from the day we met,” Toby affirmed, “Remember, how you wanted to strangle Ben with the power of the Force that night?” He mimicked Vader’s stupid death grip with his hand.

  If I’d only succeeded. “How funny.”

  Ellen came to stand beside me. She also had a glass of Prosecco in her hand. How did she get a drink so quickly?

  “Forget those idiots. I’d like to introduce you to someone, if you want.” She pointed to a slender man about my age, with wavy brown hair that reached the base of his neck. No doubt he was handsome, but his hairstyle made him look slightly too feminine in my eyes.

  “Not now,” I decided hastily, because the guy was openly ogling me. Ellen wouldn’t have let him in on my plans, would she?

  “This is Leon. He’s cool.”

  “Later.” To my delight, I discovered a few bottles of alcohol on the table next to Erdie. The boys had stocked up. He waved me over with an open prosecco bottle and, without asking, topped off my glass. Rhashmi was really lucky; the guy had good manners.

  “Afterward, we’ll go for a ride on The Twister,” Rhashmi announced, pointing at the roller coaster.

  “Don’t count on me,” I declined, finishing my second glass. I needed to slow down if I wanted to get through the evening—the alcohol was already going to my head and the sun beamed down on me mercilessly.

  Erdie filled up my glass again. That was incredibly practical. In a second, I decided to stay with them so I wouldn’t have to stand in line for drinks again.

  “Where’s the beer, bro?” I heard Ben ask next to me.

  “Damn it, I forgot.” Erdie scratched his neck. “Just went to the wine booth.” It was unbelievable how forgetful that man was. “Want some of this?” He showed him the prosecco bottle.

  Ben glanced at my full glass. “No, thanks.”

  “I didn’t drink from the bottle, so you have nothing to worry about. My lips didn’t even come near it,” I blurted out. He was such an arrogant prick.

  Ben looked at me like I was nuts. “What?”

  “You’re not having prosecco because I am?” I spelled it out for him.

  “I’m not drinking prosecco because I don’t like it. What’s that got to do with you?”

  What should I answer now? That my imagination had played a trick on me? I decided to go on the defensive. “Forget it,” I replied haughtily and turned away, before I took a big sip from my glass to calm back down.

  Ben walked away in a huff, leaving Rhashmi and Erdie to stare at me in confusion. Luckily, my phone rang. It was Caro calling, and I guided her towards us. A short time later, she appeared along with Martha. I ran towards them.

  “Looks like you’ve had a few already,” Caro remarked, when I gave her a really big hug, but I was just so happy to see her. “It’s not even five yet. Slow down, or you won’t live to see the night.” She poured water from her bottle into my empty glass. “Have some water in between.”

  “Thanks. How did it go at the gallery?” I wavered a little. I really needed to slow down, otherwise the festival would end badly for me.

  Caro beamed. “I got the job.”

  Cheering, we hugged each other. “We need to celebrate,” I shouted exuberantly and gulped down the water to make room in the glass.

  46

  Three hours later, we were still partying at the same spot. In the meantime, I had eaten half a grilled chicken, one of the few things safe for me to have at festivals like this, and thankfully, the delicious bird soaked up some of the alcohol in my system. I felt good. A little tipsy maybe, but I wasn’t falling-down drunk. Meanwhile, Caro drank with me, which increased the fun factor immensely. From the corner of my eye, I noticed that Ben and Martha were having a really good conversation. They stood close to each other, sipping beer out of their steins, and they didn’t seem to be partying quite as hard as Caro and I were.

  “What about your plan? Are you gonna go through with it?” Caro took a sip of her prosecco. She was wearing traditional Lederhosen and a red checkered blouse, which looked really cute on her.

  “Nah,” I declined. “I’d rather drink with you.”

  “An excellent plan.” She patted my shoulder. “Martha’s acting so weird tonight, like something’s bothering her. You don’t think she’s gonna break up with me, do you?” she added with an anxious frown.

  What was I supposed to say? Again, I silently cursed Martha. “Forget about your worries for one night. Let’s have a good time.” I clinked my glass against hers. “Cheers.”

  “Luca, I’d like you to meet Leon.” I suddenly heard Ellen beside me and turned around.

  Caro raised an eyebrow.

  “Hi there.” Leon flashed me the whitest toothpaste model smile I’d ever seen.

  “Um, hi,” I stammered embarrassed while he unashamedly stared at my neckline.

  “Can I get you another prosecco?” He reached for my glass.

  “Um, sure,” I agreed hesitantly, whereupon he went off to the bar.

  “You haven’t told him anything, have you?” I double checked with Ellen, who was nursing a glass of water.

  She acted astonished. “Course not, what do you think of me? I just told him I had a cute friend he should meet.” She put an arm around me. “Leon’s a good guy. I’ve known him for a while. He’s a DJ.”

  A DJ. DJs didn’t usually take much interest in me; they seemed to prefer hanging out with blondes in hot pants. I couldn’t shake the feeling that Ellen wasn’t being straight with me, but then Leon came back balancing two full glasses. Obviously, I was the only one who had to stand in line to get a drink.

  “Here we go.” Leon handed me a full glass, before he took my other hand and pulled me over to the tall table where Erdie and Rhashmi had been standing earlier. They had moved on to a bench and were wrapped around each other, murmuring.

  Leon and I clinked glasses.

  “So, you live with Ellen’s boyfriend?” he remarked, sipping his drink.

  “Uh, yes. We share an apartment in the dorm.” Suddenly, I felt unsettled. I actually wanted to party with Caro rather than talk to this hipster. Leon seemed way too cool for me. His unbuttoned, gray Henley shirt showed off his hairless chest. Traditional Bavarian clothing didn’t seem to be his thing.

  “And you’re a DJ?” I asked, trying to keep up my side of the sluggish conversation.<
br />
  “Yes, I play house clubs all over the country.”

  “That’s amazing.”

  Silence. My head was spinning, and I was sighing inside. If you had to go through all this build-up to get a one-night stand, I was just fine without it.

  “I’ll be at Mach 1 next Saturday. You should drop by.”

  I clung to my glass. “I’ll think about it. So, I guess all this probably isn’t your scene?” I pointed to one of the tents where oom pah-pah music was playing.

  “I’m only here because Ellen asked me to come.” He looked deep into my eyes, and I swallowed hard.

  “Where did she go?” I turned around, but couldn’t find her anywhere. Even Caro had left me to join Martha and Ben. Why wasn’t she helping me out of my dilemma?

  “I don’t really care.” He took my hand and stroked it.

  “Umm… I’m not sure what Ellen told you about me, but…”

  “Not much. She just mentioned you’re looking for a one-night stand,” he finally admitted, and my knees went weak.

  “She really told you that?”

  “Listen, I’m not here to hook up with you. I just wanted to talk to you. So, take it easy. If something comes up, I’m all for it. But I’m not gonna push you into anything you don’t want to do. Relax,” he said in a hoarse voice that gave me goosebumps.

  At least he seemed honest. I should really loosen up if I didn’t want to end up an old maid. Here was a good-looking guy in front of me, trying to get to know me, and I was acting all weird. Erdie strolled over to give Leon a thorough once-over.

  “You okay, Luca?” Erdie put an arm around my shoulder. “You look like you’ve had a few too many.”

  “I’m doing great,” I quickly assured him. “This is Ellen’s friend.”

  Erdie raised to his impressive 6’3” next to me, all the muscles in his body tense. I didn’t even have that many.

  “If you need anything, we’re sitting over there.” He pointed to a row of picnic tables. Unimpressed by Erdie, Leon grabbed a pack of cigarettes from his pants pocket and lit one.