Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “Are you going to spy on Martha for the rest of your life?” I asked as we stood at the intersection where the pub where Martha worked on Thursdays was located.

  “Yup.” The subject seemed to be settled for Caro.

  “You can’t be serious.” We ducked behind a protruding wall, when Martha stepped outside to settle the bill with some people sitting in the sunshine.

  “I even considered creating a second Facebook page and writing to her.”

  “You need to see a therapist,” I replied incredulously. “Besides, I don’t think Martha is flirting on Facebook.” I pointed over to where Caro’s ex was engaged in a conversation with a slightly overweight woman.

  “See, this is exactly why I need to keep an eye on her,” whispered Caro excitedly, as if we were close enough for her to hear us.

  “Talking to guests is literally her job.” Suddenly, I felt the urge to defend our poor stalking victim.

  Caro fished her phone out of her bag. “She gets off in five minutes, let’s see where she goes next.”

  “How long do you want to keep this up?”

  “Another two hours. I’m meeting her after that, and if she does anything before then, I’m gonna throw it up in her face.”

  “That sounds like a great way to start all over again.” Oh, man, I would never tell anybody about this, not even my grandchildren.

  When Martha’s shift ended, she came out and turned right, heading toward the city wall. We followed her, hiding behind advertising pillars and billboards, squeezing along walls and ducking behind cars. If someone had put us in straitjackets and taken us to the asylum, I wouldn’t have blamed them. Especially since Martha was doing absolutely nothing suspicious. She entered a cell phone store, came back out carrying a small box, and treated herself to a smoothie. Just as I was about to tell Caro that we HAD to stop this nonsense, she grabbed me by my shirt and dragged me behind a silver BMW.

  “What are you doing? Let go,” I hissed. “She’s not even looking our way.”

  “Not Martha.” She nudged me with her elbow. “Look.”

  My gaze wandered in the direction she was pointing, and my heart skipped a beat. Ben had just crossed the street right in front of us. Luckily, he hadn’t noticed us.

  “Where’s he going?” I whispered. My heart started beating like crazy.

  “Maybe Ben’s incognito too.” Caro pointed to the black baseball cap covering his head.

  “Let’s follow him.”

  “What?” Caro cocked her eyebrows. “Why should we do that? We’re staking out Martha.”

  “It’s not like she’s doing anything exciting anyway; buying a phone and drinking some juice. Leave the woman in peace and come on.” I dragged Caro behind me by the sleeve, since Ben had just turned into a narrow alley. “What’s he doing in Nuremberg?” I wondered. “I bet Mr. Casanova has a date.”

  “Since when do you have a claim on him?” Caro followed me, sighing as I half-jogged in order not to lose sight of Ben.

  “Well, we live together,” I defended myself, because I couldn’t think of anything better to say.

  “That makes it completely different, of course,” Caro said, slapping her forehead. “So, you can stalk your roommates, but if I spy on my ex, I’m a psycho.”

  “Something like that,” I replied. “Come on.”

  I paused in mid-run when Ben stopped in front of a house with reddish lit windows.

  “You know what alley we’re in, right?” Caro put a hand on my shoulder.

  I gave her a questioning look. “Is this a special neighborhood?”

  “That’s a brothel.”

  “No!” My heart almost stopped. “You’re not seriously telling me that Ben just walked into a whorehouse?” I squeaked in horror.

  “It certainly looks like it.”

  “But why?” I touched my hot cheeks, as blood rushed in my ears. “He could’ve had me… I mean anyone else.”

  “Maybe he has fetishes,” Caro conjectured.

  “Like what?”

  “Well,” she elaborated, gesturing wildly. “Bondage, SM, or something. Maybe he’s in there having a hooker change his diapers.”

  “Change his diapers?” I repeated incredulously.

  “Some guys are really into that. They secretly wear diapers and…”

  “That’s a load of crap,” I interrupted her. “In fact, it’s the biggest bunch of bullshit that ever came out of your mouth.”

  “You’re right,” Caro agreed after a moment. “I don’t believe that either. He’d more likely play a little dom and get off on whipping escorts.”

  I leaned against the wall; my knees were shaking. “Maybe he just dropped something off, and he’ll be right back out. Let’s wait for a bit and see how long he’s in there.”

  “Alright. But after this, I don’t want to hear another word about my secret agent activities.” Grumbling, Caro accepted her fate and leaned against the wall next to me.

  “Maybe that’s why he stopped hunting.” It suddenly hit me.

  “Huh?” Caro stuffed some gum into her mouth.

  “He’s gotten tired of picking up women at night, or he wants to make me believe that he’s not sleeping around anymore. Instead, he pays for his pleasure with a hooker.” The epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s why Ben had seemed so chaste lately. He’d just been pretending to have sworn off his lifestyle, wanting us all to believe he’d changed. But why? It made no sense. At the beginning, he’d had no inhibitions about bringing a woman into the apartment. So, why was he seeing a prostitute now? I checked my phone—he had already been in this house of ill repute for thirty minutes, so the odds that he was only delivering a package didn’t look so good anymore.

  Caro put an arm around my shoulders. “Oh, sweetie. Don’t take it so hard. Maybe it’s a good thing that nothing happened between you two. In the end, you might have found yourself tied to a bed frame with him swinging a whip above you.”

  I just nodded. With the force of an avalanche, disappointment surged through my body. Had I really been so wrong about Ben? On the other hand, his private life was none of my business; if he wanted to spend time with a prostitute, he had every right to do so. There was nothing wrong with that. At least, that’s how I’d always seen it. But why did it hurt so badly to find this out about Ben? It was my own fault—I was a despicable snoop, spying on other people. Ben had disguised himself for a reason. He hadn’t wanted to be seen, and I had violated his privacy with my curiosity. An unforgivable breach of trust. With each minute that passed, I felt more and more miserable.

  “Let’s go,” I said after an hour of pointless standing around in front of the brothel, when Caro hissed, “He’s coming out.” We hastily ducked behind a parked car and waited until Ben was out of sight.

  My shock went deeper than I would have liked. Also, I had completely lost the desire to go on another foray. It was fundamentally wrong and reprehensible to dig into other people’s business. Since my confession, we hadn’t spoken a word to each other anyway. For Ben, I no longer existed. Maybe it was time for me to move out.

  49

  As night fell, I finally ventured home. To my relief, Ben seemed to be out. Ellen was watching TV, because Toby was still working on a paper with a fellow student in the library. Still feeling unsettled, I flopped down on the couch.

  “Hey, what’ve you been up to?” Ellen gave me a puzzled look.

  “I was in Nuremberg with Caro.”

  “I see.” Ellen turned her attention back to the finale of Germany’s Next Top Model. “If they only knew what they’re getting into, they wouldn’t try so hard.” Bored, she pointed to the TV screen, where one of the hopefuls sashayed down the catwalk in a ridiculous outfit. “I just got in from Rome, and I’m beat.” She yawned discreetly.

  “Awesome,” I murmured absently, pulling out a loose sofa thread.

  “What’s so awesome about that?”

  I startled. “What?”

  “You weren’t even
listening.” Ellen sat up and pulled in her knees. “Something on your mind?”

  “No, no,” I hastily affirmed, suddenly fascinated by the razor blade commercial that had just come on.

  “Leon says hi, by the way.” She started playing with a strand of my hair. “Sure, you don’t want to meet him sometime?”

  “You told him about the one-night stand.” I turned on her. “That’s not what we agreed to. Besides, I rather choose the guys I sleep with myself.”

  “Leon’s a big deal in the club scene. I introduced you to a hot celebrity. What more could you want?” Ellen asked with a biting laugh.

  “I—I might not be into casual sex, after all.” I couldn’t help feeling like Ellen expected a little more gratitude from me for her efforts. “Thanks for arranging this with Leon, but no more guys for me in the future, please. I’m comfortable with the way things are, really.”

  “Has Ben fed you this nonsense?”

  The cold tone of her voice made me prick up my ears. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Not to sleep with a random guy.”

  “No, he hasn’t. Can we please change the topic now, because I felt much more comfortable when all of you weren’t so worried about my sexual well-being.”

  “Of course, Ben put you up to this.” Apparently, Ellen couldn’t be dissuaded from believing her absurd theory. “He picked a fight with Leon because he couldn’t bear to watch him getting something he hasn’t had himself. Ben will drag you into his man-cave sooner or later if you’re not careful.”

  I noticed the simmering anger in Ellen’s expression, and wondered, not for the first time, why she always got so mad whenever the conversation turned to Ben. “Ben doesn’t want me, I’m 100% certain about that.”

  “He’s just pretending not to,” she spat.

  Ellen really was a tough nut to crack. Again, I wondered what Ben had done to her to make her talk so badly of him. I was tempted to ask her about it, but my curiosity seemed inappropriate. After all she was involved with Toby, and I couldn’t imagine Ben mistreating his friend’s girlfriend on purpose.

  “We’re not even talking. At the festival, he just wanted to save me from drinking something with gluten in it, so I wouldn’t get sick. Then Leon provoked him, and Ben freaked out. End of story.”

  “I don’t believe a single word you say,” Ellen insisted and shook her head. Why was she being so stubborn all of the sudden?

  “I know for a fact that he doesn’t want to sleep with me.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

  “But I am. I’m not even his type, he’s into something else.”

  “Don’t give me that shit.” Ellen sounded unusually irritable.

  “I really shouldn’t tell you this…”

  “What’s he into?” She cut me off. “What do you know about him?”

  I squirmed like a snake on the ground. How was I supposed to get out of this mess?

  “You’ve already banged him,” she threw out, rather bluntly for my taste. “And you had the gall to get me to introduce you to a really great guy? I can’t believe it.”

  “I didn’t have sex with Ben,” I stressed every single syllable. Ellen clung to her theory like a bull terrier. “He’s not into me, okay, and he never was. We didn’t sleep together nor will we ever, because Ben’s seeing prostitutes. I saw him going into a brothel.”

  “What did you just say?” Ellen sounded stunned, her jaw dropping.

  What had I, the idiot, just blurted out? I covered my mouth to stop myself from saying another word. My stomach contracted. I’d just done an abysmally stupid thing. Damage control! I needed damage control.

  “That was a joke.” I laughed shrilly, slapping Ellen’s thigh. “Got you, didn’t I, ha-ha.”

  “You’re just joking?” She looked at me skeptically. “Didn’t really sound like you were. At what point should I have laughed?”

  A sudden desire to migrate to a faraway country hit me. Could I get an expedited visa for Chile by tomorrow? My blood was rushing in my ears. Why couldn’t I ever keep my big mouth shut?

  “Ellen, I’m begging you, please don’t tell anyone what I said. Let’s keep it between us. Promise me?” I drew a shuddering breath while praying for an affirmative answer. Dammit, I was such a huge idiot. Ellen, however, appeared strangely appeased.

  “So, there’s really nothing going on between you two?” she asked again, to my surprise.

  “Nothing at all.”

  “Okay,” she generously promised, “I’ll keep it to myself. Ben’s life is none of my business anyway.”

  “Thanks.” I hugged her warmly, hoping she’d be true to her word, then I beat a hasty retreat to my room. I couldn’t help the feeling that I’d done something really terrible to Ben. If Ellen opened her mouth, Ben would never forgive me for my indiscretion. Why had I even mentioned his brothel visit in the first place? Was I out of my mind? I couldn’t even remember the words reaching my brain before they came out.

  I lay on the bed and put my arms under my head. Never again would I speak another word about Ben to anyone, I promised myself.

  50

  The following days, I worried constantly about running into Ben. Besides that, I couldn’t get the image out of my mind of Ben letting loose with a bullwhip on a paid sex worker. I’d never be able to look him in the eyes again, that much was certain. I’d been sitting in my room for a solid hour after sneaking into the apartment at six o’clock in the evening. And now, my bladder was about to burst, but I didn’t dare to use the bathroom, because I could hear muffled voices from outside—one of them definitely belonged to Ben. Why did he have to be home tonight? He had made himself scarce the past few days as well. Frustrated, I sat down at my desk to log onto Facebook and check yet again to see if Ben had unfriended me.

  The voices grew louder, as if they were right outside my room. I hastily clicked the browser window shut—the last thing I needed was for Ben to catch me staring at his Facebook page. I heard a “See you later.” from Toby, and Ben replying “See ya.” Then the front door shut, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Ben had left. I got up and tiptoed to my door. Better safe than sorry; I felt no desire to talk to Ellen anytime soon. She was staying with Toby for a few days. All clear, only the TV was on. I stole into the hallway, voices were coming from the living room, and I stopped in my tracks when I realized who was talking. Shit. Ben and Ellen, so Toby must have been the one who had left.

  “Why are you always so hard on me?” Ellen asked in a low voice, then the sofa creaked.

  My pulse was pounding. What should I do now? Under no circumstances did I want to run into either of them, let alone both of them at the same time.

  “I’m not hard on you. I’m simply neutral. You just interpret it that way, then you get all worked up and think I don’t like you and stuff.”

  “But you don’t like me.”

  I heard Ben take a deep breath, and I scampered to the door frame for a peek inside. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t help myself.

  Ben stood at the window with his back to me, looking outside, as Ellen moved to stand behind him.

  “Ellen, what are you doing?” Ben asked without turning around.

  “There was a time when you were totally into me,” she said softly.

  What?!

  “Yes,” he finally admitted. “But that was a long time ago, not anymore. You’re with Toby, one of my best friends.”

  Ellen leaned against his back. “And if Toby didn’t exist?”

  “But he does.”

  “But if I were no longer with him, would you want me then?”

  A heartbeat passed. Ben didn’t move, not even when Ellen slid her arms around his waist and leaned her cheek against his shoulder.

  “No,” he finally said in a firm voice, “not even then.”

  Abruptly, Ellen let go of him and took a step back. “You arrogant prick. No girl is ever good enough for you, huh?”

  B
en turned around, and I quickly pulled my head back. “That’s exactly why I could never get involved with you. You’re manipulative and selfish.”

  She laughed shrilly. “You’re the one who stomps on everybody’s feelings. What type of woman do you prefer? Let me guess… Naïve girls like Luca? She’s the one you want, at least admit it.”

  “What’s this got to do with Luca?”

  “You think we don’t notice you staring at her secretly and undressing her in your thoughts?”

  “You really have a screw loose. And yes, I’d choose Luca over you any day. At least she’s not devious.”

  Ellen snorted. “But she’s the one telling everybody behind your back that you’re into whores, you pervert.”

  The shock went through me like a jolt of electricity.

  “What?” Ben sounded dumbfounded. “Ellen, you’re out of your mind.”

  “Fine, don’t believe me,” she hissed. “But your precious Luca saw you walking into a brothel, and she’s blabbing it all over town.” Ellen’s voice was full of hatred. “Now everybody knows that you hang out in whorehouses and are into hookers these days. Could you sink any lower?”

  I peered around the door frame.

  “Shut the fuck up!” Ben yelled, grabbing Ellen by the collar. Then he pulled her in tight. “Don’t you ever talk to me again, you understand? I swear, the next time you talk to me in this apartment, I’ll throw you out, Toby or no Toby. I don’t give a shit.” He pushed her away, and I ran back to my room, leaning heavily against the door. My heart was thundering.

  Just as I had made it to safety, footsteps sounded in the hallway, and the front door slammed shut. For several minutes, I just stood there, pressing a hand to my mouth. Ellen had told him everything! Not only had she tattled on me, she had told Ben—in the ugliest way imaginable. I regretted nothing more than having stalked him. He had every right to hate me. I would completely understand if he kicked me out of the apartment as well. But before that happened, I needed to apologize to him. It was the least I could do.