Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  With shaking hands, I reached for my phone, but put it back down on the desk. Ben had been so angry when he stormed out, today wasn’t a good time for remorseful repentance. Maybe I should leave him a message on Facebook? How I wished I could turn back time. I wanted to hide behind that car in Nuremberg again, see Ben passing by without giving it another thought, and continue following Martha. No! I should have never gone to Nuremberg in the first place. Instead, I should have talked Caro out of her stupid plan, and the world would still be in perfect order.

  51

  Time stretched on like sand on a dune. I sat on my bed and stared into nowhere. The sun had already set, and only the faint ray of light from my bedside lamp lit my room. The sudden ringing of my phone tore me out of my trance. Reluctantly, I got up to answer it. Caro’s name lit up on the display. Sighing, I took the call.

  “What’s up?” I asked in a depressed voice, hoping that Caro would instantly know that something was wrong with me.

  “Luca, where are you?”

  “Home. Why?”

  “I’m in Erlangen.” She sounded excited.

  “Then come over, I could really use someone to talk to right now. Something terrible…”

  “Not now,” she interrupted me harshly, and my heart fell as I realized that my best friend wasn’t interested in my depression. “I’m following Martha. She texted me that she can’t come over because she has something to do in Erlangen.”

  Of course, that was more important! I sniffed loudly before I weakly admonished, “You’ve got to stop these wild goose chases, nothing good will come of it. You’ll never guess what happened…”

  “I couldn’t find Martha anywhere,” she cut me off again. “I’ve checked all the bars, looked in every window, but she’s nowhere to be found. Right now, I’m in front of the Havana Bar, and Luca, you won’t believe…”

  “That’s why you called me? I’m definitely never gonna stalk anybody again, and neither should you. It is vile and despicable,” I raged.

  “Listen to me,” she cut me off again. “Ben’s in there,” she said pointedly.

  “So what?”

  “He’s with Erdie and two other guys just as muscle bound as Erdie, they look like triplets…”

  “Those are Erdie’s brothers. So what? Get out of there. I don’t wanna know what Ben does in his free time, it’s none of our business. And don’t even think about spying on him, you hear me?”

  “Konstantin’s with them.” I heard Caro say softly, and my hand clenched around my cell phone.

  “What—what did you just say?” I could hardly breathe.

  “They are sitting with Konstantin in the Havana Bar. What does that mean?” Caro asked.

  Suddenly, I felt sick with fear. “I don’t know,” I pressed out. “Please go away, don’t let them discover you.”

  “Oh, there’s Martha,” she said excitedly. “I’ve gotta follow her. I’ll call you later. At least you’ve been warned.”

  I sank back down to the edge of the bed. Ben had joined forces with Konstantin? Surely to take revenge on me. Why, for goodness sake, had I told him that old story? I was the dumbest person in the world for handing him this trump card. What was I supposed to do now? It was a challenge just to breathe. The mere thought of those five broad-shouldered guys ambushing me in my room made me shiver and stirred up the worst fear I had experienced in years. Now, I knew for sure that Ben would never forgive me. Should I lock myself in my room and call the police? My fingers were shaking so pathetically that I couldn’t even hit the numbers on the display. I went through all my options, but couldn’t come up with any solutions. What would I even tell the cops? That I had stalked my roommate during a brothel visit? A loud sob escaped my lips. I had no proof; nothing. There was only one thing to do. I had to go to the Havana Bar myself and talk to Ben in person. At least in a public place I wouldn’t be alone with them; they couldn’t do anything to me in front of the other guests. Maybe I would be able to talk some sense into Ben. I would apologize to him and swear to move out right away if he promised to leave me alone.

  The very next moment, I grabbed my phone and keys, and rushed out of the apartment. I almost flew down the stairs, left the dormitory, and ran through the dark empty streets while countless adrenaline rushes made my pulse race uncontrollably. My heart was beating wildly in my chest. I shivered in my denim miniskirt and short-sleeved, dark-red blouse. I hadn’t even thought of a jacket, but I didn’t want to turn back either. Panting, I finally arrived at the Havana Bar and held my stabbing side. I peered through the window, pressing both edges of my hands against the glass to block the light from the street lamps. Not much was going on inside. Only a few people were sitting at tables. Ben and the others were nowhere to be seen; they must have already left. Dammit!

  Suddenly, I realized that I was standing all by myself on an empty street, and a cold shiver ran down my spine. I spun around, breathing shallowly. If they waylaid me, I wouldn’t be able to defend myself. I quickly dialed Caro’s number—she had to come immediately so that I wouldn’t be alone, but she didn’t answer. Now what? Cautiously, I peered in all directions, my pulse pounding in my throat. Up ahead, two women were standing and talking, and from the other side, a car approached and drove past me. My hands went numb, I decided to return home, pack my things, and leave before Ben came back. Caro’s spare key, the one she had given me for emergencies, was in my desk drawer, so I definitely had a place to hide from him. I rushed back toward the dorm while I kept looking over my shoulder.

  Fortunately, everything remained calm. Every now and then, some passers-by or small groups of people crossed my way, but Ben and his companions were nowhere to be seen. Just as I turned the last corner, my phone rang. It was Martha, as I recognized after a quick glance at the display, and my blood pressure slowed down somewhat. Oh, thank God. In the pitch darkness, I was thankful even for her, and took the call.

  “Martha, what’s up?” I asked breathlessly, as I stopped walking to lessen the stitch in my side.

  “Is Caro with you?”

  “No, I have no idea where she is.”

  Martha gave a laughing snort. “So, you haven’t talked to her?”

  “Earlier on the phone, but I really don’t know where she is now. Maybe she’s at home,” I lied.

  “She’s not. Kira called me. She spotted Caro in Erlangen earlier. Apparently, she’s sneaking up on me, and now she’s not even answering her phone.”

  It was unbelievable how small the world really was. Caro had been busted. The poor thing didn’t even know about the trouble she was in, but I couldn’t deal with her problems right now. “Listen, this isn’t a good time. I have to go.” A church bell rang nearby, making me flinch. My eyes involuntarily flitted to all sides.

  “Where are you?” Martha sounded suspiciously. “You’re out somewhere, right?”

  Perfect, now I had Martha on my heels. Just what I needed. “Yes, I’m out,” I admitted. What else could I say?

  “Where are you exactly?” she asked again.

  Why were all the people around me so insistent all the time? “At the Neustädter church, waiting for a friend,” I fibbed in the hopes that she’d accept my not very ingenious excuse. Could Martha please just leave me alone? Right now, I had more serious worries. I resumed walking to get away from this gloomy place as soon as possible. “Listen, my friend’s here, okay? Gotta go.”

  “You’re lying,” Martha said calling my bluff. Then I heard someone say my name and turned around briskly.

  “Hello, Luca, what a lovely surprise!”

  52

  I had to look twice before I realized who was standing in front of me. Johanna. Martin’s girlfriend. Everybody seemed to be coming out of the woodwork tonight just to make my life more difficult. Unbelievable. Martha was still yakking in my ear.

  “Gotta go, Martha.” I ended the call and aimed for a polite facial expression. “Johanna, what a coincidence. What brings you here?”

  “What a co
incidence indeed,” she replied in an icy voice.

  It took me some effort not to roll my eyes. There was no way I was going to deal with this strange nerdy girl right now. I had more important things on my agenda, like packing my bags and leaving town.

  “Listen, I have to go, I’m in a hurry. See you later.” Without waiting for an answer, I turned to go, but she yanked me back by my hair.

  “Ouch, are you crazy? Let go of me!”

  Johanna pulled me closer. “Who are you waiting for?”

  “Nobody, I’m on my way home.” I cocked my head to relieve the painful pull on my scalp since Johanna wouldn’t let go. With both hands, I tried to free myself, which only made her yank my hair even harder.

  “You’re waiting for Martin. Admit it, you stupid, horny slut!”

  “You’re insane—I don’t want a single thing from Martin. Now, let me go.” Johanna really belonged in a padded cell. But wait a minute, what had she just called me? Stupid, horny slut? Something about that combination sounded familiar. She still wouldn’t let go of me.

  “It just so happens that Martin is taking a pottery class over here right now.” She pointed at an illuminated building behind us. “And you seriously expect me to believe that you just happened to be loitering outside this very building by pure coincidence?”

  Again, she roughly tore at the strands of my hair while I tried to wrestle her fingers open.

  “Ouch, let go! I had no idea Martin’s into pottery.”

  “You’re so going to get it, you filthy liar.” She shoved me against the wall and pulled my head down.

  “Since you don’t pay attention to well-intentioned letters, I need to change my tactics.”

  Letters? I pulled at her arm to get rid of this lunatic, when I suddenly remembered where I knew the phrase stupid, horny slut from. “It was you! You sent me that anonymous letter,” I cawed. “You’re really psycho.”

  “I’m really pissed off.” She pulled my hair even harder. I was going to end up bald.

  “Martin told me that you wanted to go out with him again.”

  I couldn’t believe it. That nutcase.

  “No, I don’t. You can have that dumb-ass all to yourself.” I moaned in pain, because the crazy woman was now bending my head backward.

  “You’ll never ever come on to my boyfriend again, I can promise you that.” Johanna took a swing. I ducked as well as I could, protecting my face with one arm, and squeezed my eyes shut in anticipation of the blow, when the pressure on my scalp suddenly vanished. I opened my eyes and saw that Martha had Johanna in a headlock.

  “You’re threatening my friend?” she asked in a deadly calm voice, adding a little more pressure to Johanna’s neck. “I don’t like that at all.”

  And with that, I could breathe a sigh of relief. That was a close call. Meanwhile, Johanna’s face turned red, and she gasped.

  “I was just kidding around,” she croaked.

  “So, you weren’t threatening her?” Martha asked.

  “No,” Johanna rasped weakly.

  “She sent me an anonymous letter,” I blurted out, still having a hard time processing. Johanna definitely had what it took to be another Annie Wilkes from Misery. All this time, I had suspected Konstantin. I’d hardly been able to sleep for fear. What a bitch!

  Martha let go of Johanna, and she gasped furiously for breath.

  “Threatening people is a crime.” Martha crossed her arms, her biceps bulging as she made fists, which made her arms look even more muscular. Her hands held out in front of her chest, Johanna took a step backwards.

  “It was just a joke.” She forced a laugh. “I wasn’t really threatening Luca, I just wanted to give her a little scare. You guys don’t really want to run to the police just because of this little slip of paper?”

  “Maybe I will, though.” Suddenly, I was furious, thinking of all the anxiety that letter had caused me. “That was a real threat, not just some little joke. Who knows who you’re going to mess with next if anyone even dares to talk with Martin.”

  “I won’t do it again,” said Johanna, close to tears now. “I swear. I’ve never been in trouble with the law before. I’m begging you.” She pleaded, wringing her hands.

  “Alright,” I finally agreed. “But on one condition: you and Martin both have to stay away from me. Consider this your restraining order. Keep at least a hundred yards distance from me. Be sure to tell Martin as well.”

  “Now get lost.” Martha faked a lunge, and Johanna dashed away like a scared rabbit.

  I turned to my savior, still trembling inside. “Thanks for coming to the rescue. That really could’ve turned out badly for me.”

  A smile blossomed on Martha’s lips, and for the first time ever, I detected a hint of sympathy for me on her face. “You do like me,” I accused her, tapping on her shoulder.

  “Busted.” With a grin, Martha held up her hands, as if surrendering. “Of course, I like you, you’re just as crazy as Caro. Never a dull moment with you two around.”

  We hugged each other; I didn’t want to ever let her go.

  “Enough,” Martha finally said.

  “Enough what?” I snuggled up to her muscular chest and let all my gratitude flow into her.

  “Let go, girl. I can’t breathe.”

  “Oh.” I instantly took my hands off her strong neck.

  “Well, I’ll go find Caro. Seems like she really isn’t with you,” she said with a searching look around.

  “Nope.” I shook my head. “What will you tell her when you find her?”

  “That I love her and don’t want to lose her again.”

  “I really hope you two will work things out,” I replied as my phone started ringing. “Maybe it’s her.” I fished my phone out of my skirt pocket, looked at it, and flinched. Ben. The display lit up the dark like a white emergency light. He was calling me. Now what?

  “Are you going to get that?” Martha asked after the third ring.

  “Yeah.” I swallowed thickly before I finally took the call. “Hello?” I asked timidly.

  “Luca, it’s me, Ben.”

  “I know.” My temples were throbbing.

  “I really need to talk to you, can we meet?”

  “About—about what?” I closed my eyes involuntarily. Hearing his voice almost blew me away, but I didn’t feel up to a serious heart-to-heart with him. Instead, I wanted to apologize for all I had done, but not even one word came out. Just the thought that he might hate me was unbearable.

  “Not over the phone. Could you come by the copy shop?”

  “Why not at home?”

  “I’m working. I’ve a huge order to copy for the university, and I’ll probably be here all night. Could you come over here? Please? Can you do that? It won’t take long.” He sounded perfectly normal, not like he was about to murder me or something.

  “I don’t know.” My thoughts were running circles, but at the same time I felt a powerful longing to see him.

  “I need you.” I heard him say, and melted on the spot.

  Should I really risk meeting him? But then again, Ben sounded like nothing was wrong, as if I hadn’t destroyed his life. Maybe he hadn’t taken my betrayal so badly after all, and this was about something completely different. Apparently, he needed my help. Maybe he didn’t care if the whole world knew that he was into hookers. Back when I caught him having sex, my spying hadn’t bothered him much then either. If I met with him now, it would be a good opportunity to explain everything that was bothering me. We could talk things through rationally and settle this once and for all. Who even knew what Caro had seen, if the guy in the Havana Bar really was Konstantin—or maybe they had run into him by accident. Despite everything, I longed to see Ben; I just wanted to be with him. “Okay, see you soon.” I hung up and bit my lower lip.

  “Where are you going?” Martha asked. She was still standing next to me, a quizzical look on her face.

  “Ben says he needs to talk to me.” I was in emotional turmoil. Al
l I knew was that I wanted to be with Ben, ask his forgiveness, and for everything to go back to normal between us.

  “Want me to come with you?” Martha offered, and I considered it for a minute. Actually, that wasn’t a bad idea. My phone went off once more, it was Ben again. “What’s up?”

  “Um, Luca, please come alone.” He hung up before I could ask why.

  A weird feeling crept through my stomach—yet I decided to agree to Ben’s request.

  “I’m going alone, sounds like it’s private.”

  “Alright.” Martha put her thumb and little finger to her ear and mouth. “Call, if you need me.”

  “Okay, bye,” I said and took off.

  * * *

  For twenty minutes now, I’d been standing on the street corner near Ben’s copy shop, unable to make up my mind. It was directly across from the student services office, where we had met for the first time many weeks ago. The moon dimly lit up the gloomy street, contrasting sharply with the beam of light from Ben’s shop that shone brightly on the black asphalt. The glass door of the shop next to it was adorned with an oversized red and white key; everything in there was dark. Konstantin’s workplace; just thinking about that made me shudder. I looked at my phone again without a clue of what I was actually waiting for. By now, it was already midnight, and the campus was deserted. I tensed my back before I started walking over there, woodenly. Then I saw Ben inside the shop, leaning against a copy machine and staring at the floor.

  My heart was pounding like crazy as I watched him. Dark brown strands of hair hung over his forehead, and he looked tense. What was he thinking about right now? About what Ellen had told him? I was going to go in there now and apologize, swear to him that I was infinitely sorry for my stupid indiscretion, and that I would bear the consequences for my big mouth. I would leave. Move out. Even if it could never make up for what I’d done, at least he would be rid of me and no longer have to deal with a traitor. Then, I’d clear out my room and leave our shared apartment for good, right away. I took a deep breath before I pushed the door open and entered. Ben looked up and studied me impassively, only a hint of emotion in his eyes.