Begin Again: Allie and Kaden's Story

by Mona Kasten

  I heard a few people laugh. I turned to them and Brix was grinning broadly at me. I waved back.

  “Didn’t know you had a boyfriend, Allie,” Brix said.

  “What?” I almost laughed. “Kaden isn’t my boyfriend.” My tongue suddenly felt heavy, and I could barely stand. “He’s just my roommate. And he has rules. ‘Cause it’s the only way that living together can work.”

  “Rules?” repeated Brix, amused, taking a sip from a beer bottle.

  “Rule one: Don’t bother me with girly stuff,” I mimicked Kaden’s deep voice. The others laughed again. “Rule two—Hey!”

  Kaden had grabbed my arm. “Cut the shit.”

  “Cut your own shit.” In my drunken state I was no competition for Kaden.

  “I’m sorry I called you,” I heard a small voice next to Kaden. “I was worried about her.”

  “Don’t talk about me as if I weren’t here, Dawn,” I hissed and tore my arm away from Kaden. “You asked him to come?”

  With a guilty look, Dawn bit her lower lip. Great.

  “We should go home,” Kaden whispered. I could feel eyes on us from all around, but Kaden didn’t care. “You had a long day.”

  I glared at him. “That’s why I’m here.”

  “Dude, I think you should let her decide for herself,” Brix intervened. “If she wants to stay here, let her.”

  “Keep out of it, buddy,” Kaden spoke firmly.

  Brix raised his hands and took a step back. What a loser.

  “You’re not going to push me around.” I turned my back to Kaden and headed for the bar. But before I could lift one of the bottles, I was grabbed by the hips and pulled back against a hard chest.

  “You’re coming home with me. Now.” Kaden’s eyes were blazing in anger.

  “Or else what?” I demanded. I raised my hands and put them on his chest. When I touched him, he exhaled. Then he grabbed me by the hands. His grip was gentle.

  “Don’t do it,” he murmured.

  “What shouldn’t I do?” I asked in all innocence.

  “Allie.”

  Chills ran down my spine. I loved it when he said my name. If his voice alone could trigger this response in me … what else could he do with me?

  “I can’t go home, Kaden.”

  “We don’t have to go home, if you don’t want to. But what I see going on here,” he gestured toward the table on which I’d just been dancing like a fool, “is not right.”

  “How do you presume to know what’s right and wrong for me?” I demanded. By now my good mood had evaporated. Instead, a thick knot had grown in my stomach.

  Kaden tipped his head and gave me a crooked smile. “Because I know you. I know how you really are, Bubbles. And the girl who just danced on the table? That’s not you.”

  The knot moved up into my throat. “You don’t know me at all.” My voice broke. I sounded as weak as I felt.

  “Unfortunately,” he retorted and rubbed his forehead in frustration. He took a deep breath and held out his arm to me. “Now I’d feel very connected with you if you’d cut the shit. Come with me now, or I will haul you out of here. Your choice.”

  “Good. My decision,” I said, turning around to grab a random bottle of wine that I’d just spotted.

  Kaden growled and made good on his threat without another word. He lifted me as effortlessly as he’d done at the waterfall. I let out a shrill scream and pounded his back, but he just clapped his free hand on my butt.

  “Kaden, I swear, when we’re home I’m going to tear you to pieces!”

  He laughed, and I felt its rumble pass through his body and into mine. “Let out your claws. I can hardly wait.”

  The alcohol that I’d consumed at the party took its full effect on the way home. It took me several tries to get out of the Jeep, and when I’d managed it, I twisted on my high heels and nearly fell—which I found so funny that I couldn’t stop giggling.

  “My God, you’re unbearable when you’re drunk,” muttered Kaden, throwing an arm around my waist.

  “At least I’m only unbearable when I’m drunk.”

  Kaden threw me an angry look, but I saw the hint of a smile. “Can you manage the stairs?”

  I gave a haughty laugh and removed my shoes. “Good one.”

  Easier said than done. I didn’t even get up the first three steps before I lost my balance and slumped to the side. With all my strength, I clung to the railing, but everything was spinning. Kaden gave an annoyed snort and held out his arm so I could catch myself. In his other hand he held my shoes. I thought it was cute how he helped me up the stairs with this somewhat remorseful expression on his face.

  Once inside the apartment, he pointed me toward the bathroom and even brought me my pajamas. Very thoughtful, I found.

  While I washed my face, I held on to the rim of the sink so as not to tip over.

  The cold water brought me out of the fog a bit. And suddenly I saw everything much more clearly than I’d wanted to.

  My mom had found me. She wanted me to return. And worst of all: She still didn’t respect my wishes. She even had the nerve to demand my gratitude for the money in my own savings account. After all that had happened.

  I swallowed hard and tried to shut down my thoughts. It didn’t work. My eyes were burning, but I kept on splashing cold water on my face until I had washed all the tears away. Then I brushed my teeth and slowly peeled off my dress. Once my pajamas were on, I sat on the toilet seat and buried my face in my hands.

  Everything was spinning, and I heard Mom’s voice repeating in my ears.

  I couldn’t leave this room until I was under control. Otherwise Kaden would see me, and there was no way I wanted him to know how messed up I really was.

  As if he’d read my mind, he opened the door. I stayed where I was. Maybe he just wanted to brush his teeth.

  “Bedtime, you boozer.” Only Kaden could manage being thoughtful one moment, and rude the next.

  I staggered out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. The trip to my room seemed endless. When I finally made it, I dropped onto my sofa bed and buried my face in one of the pillows.

  Don’t worry.

  It was nothing serious.

  You can’t throw it all away over such a petty thing, Crystal.

  Think of your father.

  What I wanted to do was hit something hard, to get rid of my anger. This afternoon, when my mother saw and spoke to me, it felt like she still had absolute power over me and my life. But she didn’t! I wasn’t their prisoner anymore. I had to repeat this to myself over and over again.

  My door opened.

  “Here.”

  I lifted my head. He held out his outstretched hand. Groaning, I reached for the two aspirin on his palm and took the glass of water in his other hand.

  After popping the pills, I wanted to set the glass on the windowsill, but Kaden shook his head. “Drink up,” he ordered.

  I cursed at him, but did what he said.

  “That’s a good girl,” he praised me with a self-satisfied grin.

  “Can you leave me alone now?”

  Instead of answering, Kaden plopped down on my desk chair, crossed his arms behind his head, and eyed me with suspicion.

  “Good, then you can watch me sleep,” I said as if I couldn’t care less. I turned to my side and looked at him.

  “Do you want to talk?” he asked abruptly, frowning.

  “Rule one,” I spouted back at him.

  “I make the rules. If I ask, then I also want an answer.”

  I sighed. “I don’t want to talk, Kaden.”

  He nodded, but kept his eyes on me. “Should I go?”

  I thought about it. Then I shook my head. “No.”

  His face softened. “What was that all about? At the party, I mean.”

>   I looked at him, and his eyes were warm. Not demanding, just offering. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol working on me, or if it was Kaden, but I suddenly felt the need to tell him a few things. Not everything, but at least a part of what had made me do what I’d done this night. I sighed. “I wanted to shut off my thoughts.”

  “It looked as if you’re an old hand at that.” He didn’t sound curious, but I heard his underlying question.

  “I used to drink a lot, to silence my head. I stole liquor from my parents. I had friends hook me up. I guess tonight was a kind of relapse,” I said, shrugging.

  “Sounds as if it was loud up there pretty often,” said Kaden, nodding toward my forehead.

  I smiled. “There’s pure chaos in my head.”

  He returned my smile.

  “Tell me something,” I said. “Anything. So I don’t go nuts.”

  “What do you want to hear?” he asked and rubbed the back of his head.

  “Your tattoos.” I pointed to his crossed arms. “I’d like to know what they mean. Especially the written parts. I’ve always wanted to know about that.”

  There it was again, that crooked grin. “Slide over a bit,” he murmured and sat down beside me on the bed.

  “Where should I begin?” he asked, as if the situation we were in was completely normal.

  I needed a moment to collect my thoughts; then I pointed under his left arm. “With this one.”

  Kaden slid closer to me and lifted his left arm to reveal the tattoo in cursive script. “I had this one done when I was sixteen. I drove all the way up to Vancouver to get it done, since no one around here can ink a minor.”

  With great power comes great responsibility.

  “Spider-Man?” I asked grinning.

  Kaden blinked at me, surprised.

  “My mom lost it when she saw the tat. I was grounded for at least a month.”

  He rubbed his finger over the words.

  “Which one’s next?”

  “The rings,” I said, and ran my finger over the topmost pattern encircling his biceps. For the first time I noticed that there were a few very finely drawn points and lines above it. As I traced the pattern, Kaden seemed to hold his breath.

  “I was between eighteen and nineteen when I had that one made.” He rubbed his thumb over the spot. “I was in a difficult phase. But I got over it. Every ring stands for a month that I survived.”

  “Why are they different widths?”

  He swallowed hard and avoided my gaze. “The first are wider because I was in the most pain. At some point things eased up, so the circles are thinner.”

  “The top one above the rings looks like a kind of code,” I murmured.

  “Damn.” Kaden gave a half smile. “I didn’t think you’d notice.”

  My eyes grew round. “Please don’t tell me it’s the name of your ex, Kaden.”

  “Would that be so bad?”

  “You poor boy,” I said and patted his arm. “And this reminds you of her every day?”

  He shook his head. “I’m not that crazy.”

  “No?” I teased, which made him cuff my knee through the blanket. I screeched but Kaden didn’t react.

  “It says ‘Rachel’ in Morse code.”

  “I hope you didn’t break Rachel’s heart,” I said, looking at the points.

  “Yes, I did. With every single tattoo. My mom doesn’t like them.”

  “Wait—you got your mom’s named tattooed onto you?” I asked, in surprised.

  “What of it?”

  I held my hands to my heart.

  He made a face. “What’s next?”

  I wanted to save the multi-lined text on his other forearm for last. “The feather on your back.”

  “You little spy.”

  “How can I help it if you drag me to a waterfall and strip in front of me?”

  I’d ever seen Kaden smile so much. This whole situation was surreal—I was probably just hallucinating. Or drunk. Definitely drunk.

  “I told you about my dad,” he began, and I nodded. Of course, I remembered what he said about this awful man. Kaden looked away and slid back on the bed until he could rest his back on the wall. “The feather is my newest tattoo. This might sound ridiculous … but it stands for freedom. It took me a long time until I managed to split from my father. But ever since I did it, I’ve finally felt free. The feather is there so I never forget.”

  At that moment that lightning struck.

  “You have no idea just how well I can imagine that. I wish I had a feather somewhere on my body,” I murmured.

  He looked down at me and smiled. “After having the honor of meeting your mother, I believe it.”

  I stiffened. I didn’t want to think about my mother. Not now. I pointed to the last tattoo. “What does this writing mean?”

  Kaden twisted his body and showed me the inner side of his arm. I squinted.

  It’s time to forget about the past

  To wash away what happened last

  Hide behind an empty face

  Don’t ask too much, just say

  ‘Cause this is just a game

  I held my breath. It couldn’t be true. Kaden couldn’t have these exact words on his arm.

  “Oh my God,” I exclaimed in disbelief.

  It was the second stanza of A Beautiful Lie by Thirty Seconds to Mars. The lyrics of my favorite song were tattooed on Kaden’s arm.

  I blinked several times, but the black letters remained.

  “I think we have more in common than you think, Bubbles.” Kaden lowered his arm and slid down a bit so we were lying next to one another. I turned on my side. My heart was pounding wildly.

  I looked up. His caramel-colored eyes were gleaming.

  “I should go,” he murmured.

  “You should.”

  Neither of us made any attempt to get up. Instead, we looked at each other until my eyelids became heavy. Enveloped by Kaden’s spicy fragrance and the warmth of his body, and with his stories in my ear, I fell asleep.

  Chapter 12

  Bright light pierced through the curtains and blinded me. I blinked and stretched lazily until I felt something heavy on my stomach. I turned my head and held my breath.

  Kaden.

  Kaden White was in my bed.

  And he had an arm draped over me.

  Judging by the pounding in my head, last night hadn’t been a dream. Nor a hallucination or delusion. Smiling, I observed my roommate and decided to make this moment last as long as possible.

  Then I felt his fingers on my naked belly. And froze. I didn’t dare move when Kaden stroked my skin again. A shiver spread over my entire body. I felt the urge to press myself against him, to wrap my arms around him, to bury my nose in his chest so that I could breathe in his smell.

  This wasn’t good.

  I gingerly removed his hand from my belly and sat up. Then I crawled as quietly I could to the end of the bed and swung my feet over the edge.

  On tiptoes I snuck out of my room into the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. Then I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I washed the last traces of the night before from my face, I decided to make scrambled eggs and pancakes for breakfast. My stomach might be queasy, but I knew from experience that a good breakfast was one of the best cures for a hangover.

  I had just taken the eggs out of the fridge when I heard my bedroom door open. With the carton in my hand I turned toward Kaden. I didn’t know what to expect, but …

  In a few steps he’d crossed the living room and closed his bedroom door behind him. I pursed my lips and stared at the closed door. Something banged. As if he had thrown a shoe against the wall.

  He’d probably thought last night was awful. First my mother showed up, then he had to cancel his own plans for the evening and bri
ng me home in my inebriated state. And then, the intimate moments in my room … That was definitely too much for him.

  But it was too much for me, too. I was hoping we’d have closed the gap between us by now. Maybe we weren’t really friends yet. But we had at least worked out how to live together like two normal people.

  Another bang.

  I guess I was wrong about that.

  Sighing, I finished my breakfast and dragged myself back to my room. The entire bed still smelled of Kaden. I lit my candles and opened the window. Less than a minute later I heard him in the kitchen.

  Great.

  Back to square one.

  That afternoon I went to see Dawn, to apologize. Luckily her roommate wasn’t home.

  “Hey,” I said, as Dawn opened the door.

  She looked at me just as guiltily, but she had no reason to feel that way. I was the one who’d screwed up last night.

  “I’m so sorry, sweetie,” I blurted out and raised my hands. “I didn’t want to leave you in the lurch. I don’t know what I … ”

  I didn’t get any further. Dawn threw her arms around me and hugged me hard. “Kaden told me that your mom just showed up on your doorstep.”

  I stiffened. “Oh, did he?”

  “Only after I called to ask him to pick us up. He didn’t give me any details, so don’t look so pissed off,” she said and dragged me into her room. “I was just worried about you. You had so much to drink, and then those weird guys were all over you.”

  “It’s okay. You were just being a good friend. And I on the other hand was an idiot.” I sighed. “Dawn, I’m sorry. I should have talked with you or someone else, instead of losing it like that.”

  She nodded. “Don’t worry about it. Everyone has something that weighs on them that they don’t like to talk about. For me it’s my ex.” She shuddered. “So no worries. I just hope Kaden wasn’t too nasty.”

  My expression must have changed radically, because Dawn sat down immediately and stared at me, eyes wide.

  “Wait a minute. You didn’t …?”

  “No!” I cried, indignant. “He … he just brought me to bed. And then stomped off to his room in the morning, as if I’d tried to rape him.”