Begin Again: Allie and Kaden's Story

by Mona Kasten

  Dawn laughed. “I don’t believe a word. The bro with 100 rules for proper cohabitation brought you to bed?” She made imaginary quote marks in the air.

  I nodded and told her what happened. Frowning, Dawn pulled her hair out of her face.

  “Will you tell me about your mom?” Dawn finally asked, her voice soft.

  I swallowed hard and shook my head. “Actually, I just want to forget this encounter.”

  “I’m good at that, believe me,” Dawn sighed. “My ex tried to call me many times.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “Watch out that he doesn’t show up at the door,” I joked. The color drained so fast from Dawn’s face that my smile disappeared. “It was just a dumb joke!”

  She clapped her hands. “I think we should indulge in a repression beauty program, with homemade facials and a trip to the movies. What do you say?”

  I agreed.

  The more time passed, the better I felt. It did me a lot of good to spend time with Dawn. It was like balm for my soul, and I felt like everything was going to be all right.

  When I came home that night, Kaden wasn’t there. Nor the next morning. He hadn’t texted me, hadn’t left a note on the fridge, saying where he was. I figured that he must have hooked up with someone and spent the night with her. I practically wanted to slap myself over the sting that these thoughts spread through my body.

  Still, the apartment felt empty without Kaden.

  Chapter 13

  Kaden had been gone for two days. But in the morning I had seen him from a distance on his way to a seminar on campus.

  “Did you see? The grades from the lit exam are in,” said Grace, who sat next to me in the Film and TV class. “I barely passed.” She wiped her forehead and grinned at us. Everyone took out their cell phones and logged into the university network.

  Dawn shouted and hopped up and down beside me. “Thank God. I made it!”

  I stared at my phone screen as the site loaded. Madison, sitting next to Grace, slumped down with relief. “Me, too.”

  Scott groaned. “Failed.”

  “Oh no, Scott.” Dawn patted his arm. “Don’t worry about it. You have two more chances.”

  He stretched out his arms and laid his head on them. “Damn.”

  I swallowed hard as I saw that the site had finished loading. I scrolled down.

  Literature—fail.

  A wave of disappointment overcame me, and I felt nauseated.

  But then I felt the expectant glances of my classmates on me.

  “And you, Allie?” Dawn ventured.

  I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. I didn’t want to show how disappointed I was.

  “I’m afraid we’re going to have to study together, Scott,” I said with a crooked grin.

  Scott held out his hand for a high five.

  “You’ve passed all the rest,” Grace said, encouragingly. “Right?”

  I nodded. I had passed all the other exams.

  Okay, the grades weren’t the best, but that was the case for many of my classmates, too.

  “You see?” Dawn elbowed me in the side. “Then we’ll work on it together. You guys will make it.”

  I nodded and forced out a smile.

  The rest of the day, I brooded. I could hardly concentrate in my other classes, because two words were louder in my head than any others.

  You failed.

  If I couldn’t make it through the first semester, how could I finish my degree? I kept thinking about my mother. She would be thrilled about my failure. Not only because she could hit me over the head with a satisfied, “I told you so.” But mainly because she wanted me back in Lincoln by Thanksgiving at the latest.

  I closed the apartment door and took off my shoes. As expected, Kaden wasn’t home.

  Morose, I went into the kitchen and took the ice cream from the freezer. I stuck the scoop into the hard mass and dug out a large portion.

  You’re letting yourself go, I heard the voice of my mother inside my head. I swallowed hard and slammed the ice cream container onto the counter.

  It wasn’t just that my mother had found me … No. Now I was slipping into old behavior patterns. The emptiness inside me was back, and I didn’t know how to fill it. Only with Kaden did I feel like myself. But he hadn’t even looked my way for days.

  A big lump formed in my throat.

  Maybe Mom was right.

  Maybe I’d made a huge mistake by moving. I could’ve had a good job with Dad’s company. He had contacts all over the world—maybe I could have lived abroad for a while. Instead, here I was in a shared apartment with a guy who hated me, and I’d failed a major exam, no less.

  Was that the freedom for which I’d left home and moved to Woodshill?

  Cut out this ridiculous rebellion.

  As if hobbled, I walked toward my room and stood in the doorway.

  The string lights, the throw blanket, the candles … I was just a stupid kid who’d just done what was forbidden for so long, without thinking about the consequences.

  I let out a whimper, which grew into a growl. I entered the room with determination.

  It had been a crazy idea. A failed experiment. Some things just couldn’t be escaped, no matter how hard you tried. If Mom wanted me to accept her fucking legacy, I had no choice. And probably I wouldn’t be able to become a teacher anyway, since I’d already failed an exam and my parents would be cutting off their financial support. What then?

  My cheeks burning, I tore my suitcase out from behind the dresser and started shoveling my belongings into it. First my books and the perfume bottles from the shelf. Then I tore open the dresser drawers. Some of my clothes poured out on the floor. I cursed. The heat in me was building.

  “What are you doing?”

  I didn’t stop. Who cared if Kaden found it appropriate to talk with me again?

  “What does it look like?” I shot back, without looking at him.

  “You look like a madwoman tearing her room apart.”

  I turned to glare at him.

  “I’m packing.”

  “What for?”

  “I’m going home.” I managed to squeeze out the words, though I could hardly call Lincoln, Nebraska home. Not after I’d learned what it felt like to be happy somewhere.

  “Why?” he probed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

  I had to pull myself together, not to yell at him. “Is this the Inquisition?”

  He lifted his shoulders, and a smile twitched on his lips.

  A fuse burned through in my brain. “I don’t know why you have to show up now of all times, when you’ve done everything in the past few days to avoid me.”

  Now he grinned.

  “Oh, admit it. You missed me.”

  Snorting, I turned back around and threw more of my stuff into the suitcase. Finding his sweater in my dresser, I threw it at him. To my surprise, he caught it. Now I was so mad that couldn’t do anything but stare into the empty drawer, panting.

  “Does your mother have you deeper in her claws?” Kaden came closer. “You don’t have to do what she wants, Allie. No idea what she did to you, but now you can do and be what you want.”

  I turned and paused for a second. “You might have this luxury. Not me.”

  “Why not?” He looked serious.

  “Can’t you just leave me alone?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Good, let me put it another way: Please leave me alone and find a girl who can deal with your shit! I don’t have the time or desire to deal with your mood swings.”

  He threw his head back and laughed. “Mood swings? Look who’s talking!”

  I wanted to stamp my feet.

  “I don’t really care what you think of me, Bubbles,” he said. His arrogant grin and the way he in
spected me with his eyes made me mad.

  “Don’t call me that,” I growled.

  “Shall I call you Crystal instead?”

  A bolt of lightning struck me, and I froze.

  You’re beautiful, Crystal.

  My lower lip began to tremble, I raised my arms and pushed them against Kaden’s chest. He staggered back, but quickly recovered. “Leave. Me. Alone.”

  Kaden didn’t even consider it. Instead, he made the mistake of coming closer. I drew back.

  “I know you’re used to keeping people away. But I’ll say it again: If I ask what’s up, I want an answer.”

  His gaze was fixed on my face.

  “I don’t care what you want,” I hissed. “It’s not about you, okay?”

  He raised a skeptical eyebrow.

  “Yeah, well, maybe a little. First my mother shows up, and you are so attentive that I have to ask myself if it’s really you, and that night you bring me to bed and tell me all these personal things until my head is buzzing.” I took a deep breath and shook my head. “That was just too much, Kaden. It’s not that I wanted to break your stupid rules. It just happened! That’s no reason for you to ignore me for days. For God’s sake, I’ve been worried about you!”

  He opened his mouth but I wasn’t done yet.

  “And then there’s my mom, your disappearance, my failed lit exam, and I get the feeling that everything is going downhill. All I wanted was freedom. And now I feel just as locked up as I did a few months back. I can’t breathe anymore, everything’s turning to shit, not to mention that I’ve gained weight and—”

  “Allie,” Kaden said, reaching for my shoulders.

  “No!” I cried, raising my chin. “You can’t just show up, make fun of me, order me to tell you about my problems, when all you want … ”

  I didn’t get any further.

  Kaden leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine.

  I froze. Words were still ready to pour out of me, but suddenly there was only Kaden, covering my cheeks with his warm, rough hands and pushing me against the dresser with his body. His hips ground against mine, and his lips barred any further word from me.

  He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs and then I felt his tongue on my lips. Not insistent, but cautious. Like a question that needed answering.

  I wrapped my arms around Kaden’s shoulders and gave him the answer he’d been waiting for. A low sound came from his throat. His hands traveled down to my waist. Of their own accord, my legs wrapped around him as he lifted me up and sat me on the dresser. He put one hand on my back and pulled me toward the edge.

  His tongue slowly stroked my lower lip. I sighed into his mouth as he gently sucked my lip between his teeth; I ran my hands down his back to his narrow hips. His body felt just like I’d imagined it would.

  Panting, he broke away from me. My eyes were still closed.

  The guys I’d kissed before didn’t know what they were doing—that I now understood. I’d never been kissed this way. So wild and so gentle, at the same time.

  Dazed, I blinked.

  “I should do this from now on, if you don’t stop talking.” Kaden gave me one of his crooked smiles.

  I no longer had the strength to punch him, though that’s what I wanted to do. Instead, I leaned my head forward, resting it on his chest.

  Kaden dug his hand into my hair. “How about you unpack, and I order pizza?”

  I murmured in assent, but didn’t budge.

  Suddenly Kaden’s hands were around my ribs. He lifted me from the dresser and put me down on two feet. But my legs wobbled like Jell-O.

  “Unpack,” he commanded, and went to the door. He turned around again to me, his gaze gliding from my flushed cheeks down my entire body. He shook his head and whispered, “Damn.”

  How right he was.

  “I hereby give you permission to cry,” Kaden said solemnly as I entered the living room. The pizza was already on the coffee table.

  I grinned in spite of myself. “How nice of you. But I don’t think it’s necessary.”

  “No?” He pointed to the pizza. “Are you sure?”

  I looked at him. “Where were you the last few days?” I whispered.

  Kaden leaned back on the sofa. “With Spencer.”

  “How come?”

  “The pizza’s getting cold.” He avoided looking at me, and reached for a napkin.

  “How come?” I asked again and sat down on the opposite side of the sofa.

  Kaden groaned. “Can’t we just leave it at that?”

  “No.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “You’re pretty sassy for someone who just got the best kiss of her life.”

  “And you’re pretty full of yourself for an average kisser,” I shot back.

  Kaden squinted at me, then stood up. “What did you just say?”

  Before he could get any dumb ideas, I grabbed a slice of pizza from the table and bit into it. “I think you’re a mediocre kisser.”

  Snorting, he sank back into the middle of the sofa. “I don’t believe you.”

  I just shrugged and grinned with my mouth full. To be honest, I had felt Kaden’s kiss in every nook and cranny of my body. But I wasn’t about to let him know that.

  We ate our pizza in silence.

  “So, why did you want to leave?” Kaden asked after a while.

  I stared at the wood grain of the table so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “Do we have to talk about it?”

  “Yes. That’s the price of the pizza,” he said.

  Now my ears pricked up. “So I don’t have to help pay for this if I tell you what’s up?”

  “Exactly.” Kaden fixed his eyes on me.

  “I failed my lit exam,” I admitted.

  “If my escape instinct kicked in each time I failed an exam, I’d be halfway around the world by now,” he said, his mouth full of pizza.

  I sniffed.

  “Most people don’t pass Professor Falcony’s exam the first time around,” he continued, lifting his shoulders. “I didn’t either until the second try. So that’s not a legitimate reason to disappear without a trace.”

  I pulled a long thread of cheese from my pizza slice and shoved it in my mouth.

  “Would you have left without saying goodbye? Without letting me know?” His voice had become soft.

  “I thought that … After Saturday night, you avoided me. I thought you wouldn’t want to have me around here anymore.”

  “Why do you always expect the worst? I’m not such an asshole, either.” He didn’t sound reproachful, just surprised.

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “Okay, I can be an asshole. But … ” He paused and shook his head. Then he leaned back and rubbed his face.

  “But what?” I frowned. “You stormed out of my room as if I’d tried to rape you.”

  “You could never rape me, Bubbles.” He shook his head and grinned. “Anything you do to me would be fine.”

  “You can’t say things like that and then insist on your stupid rules!” I exclaimed, frowning.

  “I can do what I like. If I want to be suggestive, then I do it. If I want to go hiking with you, I do it. And if I want to kiss you,” he leaned in with one hand on either side of me, “then I will do that, too, dammit. They’re my rules.”

  His nose was now only a few millimeters away from mine. I held my breath, but didn’t move back.

  “And I decide who can kiss me, Kaden.” My voice was a bit throaty, but firm. “You can’t act like a cave man, using sexual favors to shut me up. That’s not how it works.”

  For a split second, surprise flashed in his eyes. “I didn’t want to shut you up.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  He frowned. “I only wanted you to calm down. Your hysteria was freaking me out.”

  I h
ad to smile.

  Kaden noticed it, relieved. Then his eyes wandered from my mouth back to my eyes. “Talk to me.”

  “We are talking,” I retorted. My cheeks were growing hot, he was that close to me.

  “Tell me what put that strong, positive-thinking young woman into such a panic. Come on, you like to talk. What’s stopping you now?”

  My throat was dry as the desert. To avoid talking, I tried to take another bite of my pizza. But before I could, Kaden plucked it out of my hand and put it back on my plate.

  “Allie.”

  A shiver electrified my body. I couldn’t avoid his urgent gaze.

  “What do you care?” I asked, barely audible.

  Kaden tilted his head. “Don’t read too much into it. I just want to know what’s up with you.”

  His insistent look told me loud and clear that I shouldn’t even bother trying to hide myself from him again, in whatever way I might’ve done.

  “If it helps you to talk,” he murmured. “We’re kind of friends, aren’t we?”

  I shrugged. “Kind of.”

  “Okay! So friends talk to each other about stuff like this.”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I couldn’t tell Kaden the real reason for my fear. I’d been silent for so long … It was as if I wasn’t able to tell the truth anymore.

  My tongue felt heavy and my chest tight. I’d never told anyone before. Only mom knew the truth. And she’d forbade me from breathing a word about it. The longer I’d suppressed the truth, the higher the wall around my heart grew. Nothing and no one could penetrate it. And that included Kaden.

  “I can’t,” I pushed out the words. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

  Kaden sighed. He grabbed me firmly by my upper arms, and when he leaned back on the sofa, I had no choice but to move with him. My head landed on his shoulder, my body lay stretched out against his. I stiffened as I felt his grip around my hips, but then his other hand stroked my arm, up to my shoulder and down again, and I realized that he only wanted to hold me. I stopped fighting myself, and the tears came. All the words I couldn’t say ran silently from the corners of my eyes and fell on Kaden’s shirt, one tear after the next, until a huge wet spot appeared.