Begin Again: Allie and Kaden's Story

by Mona Kasten

Kaden just held me tight. He didn’t say a word about my state, didn’t crack any jokes about me, didn’t pressure me to tell him more.

  He was just there for me. And that was more than I’d ever expected from him.

  Chapter 14

  I studied like mad for the make-up exam. Scott, Dawn, and I met every evening to cram, though Dawn was already studying for the next test.

  Tonight, Kaden had even let us study in the living room, though Spencer, Monica and Ethan had come over.

  I’d already spotted Spencer staring at Dawn more than once. When I nudged her to call this to her attention, she wrinkled her nose and blushed.

  “So what are you all doing for Thanksgiving?” asked Spencer.

  “We’re already arguing again about which family we should visit first,” Monica sighed.

  I stared at my notebook. The letters danced in front of my eyes. I’d managed to avoid this unfortunate subject the whole week. I didn’t feel like explaining my awful family situation to my friends.

  “I’m not sure yet. My mom will probably be with her new boyfriend. I think she’s meeting his kids,” I heard Kaden say.

  “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Dawn asked, and I stiffened. I tore my eyes away from Kaden and looked back down at my notebook.

  “I don’t know yet.” That was the truth. Under no circumstances did I want to go to my parents’ benefit gala.

  Scott sighed. “OK, so I’m meeting up with Micah.”

  He’s already told us about his new flame—in great detail. But we’d never met him face to face.

  “For your information: We’ll spend the evening all over each other,” Scott declared. Dawn and I lost it.

  “Please spare us the details,” laughed Dawn.

  “Why? Just because you’re having a dry spell I can’t brag about my sexual adventures? Don’t be selfish!” His wry sarcasm was so over the top that I had to laugh even louder.

  “I’m not having a dry spell,” Dawn growled, her face expressionless and shoulders stiff.

  “Just in case, I’m happy to help,” Spencer proposed.

  I shot him a warning look. Dawn just shook her head and groaned.

  By the time evening rolled around, smoke was coming out of my ears, and my friends also looked like they could use a break. Kaden and company had already put on their jackets and were getting ready to head for Hillhouse. The rest of us rashly decided to join them, even though we had our exam the next day. Just one drink, we agreed, to reward ourselves for a long day of studying. I’d reached the point where my brain was unlikely to absorb more information anyway—and what I really needed was fresh air and a distraction.

  When we got to the club, we grabbed a table. Kaden and I ended up next to each other on the bench. Next to Kaden sat Monica and Ethan, and across from us were Spencer, Scott and Dawn. Blue light bathed the room; the air smelled of alcohol and the artificial mist that floated over the dance floor.

  We ordered a pitcher of beer and toasted to ourselves. It was a nice change of pace to talk about something other than school. Instead, Monica told us how she’d met everyone else. She and Ethan had met in a class on applied thermodynamics—Monica, who actually was majoring in art history, had ended up in this class by accident—and they fell head over heels in love at first sight. That was two years ago already. Ethan had lived with Kaden since his first semester, and was already friends with Spencer. They’d met a few years back in Portland.

  “Kaden was in his Goth phase at the time. I mean, he even wore eyeliner,” recalled Spencer with an amused twinkle in his eyes.

  “I did not.” Kaden’s tone left no doubt that this was a phase he didn’t like to remember.

  “No, your eyes were naturally lined in black,” Spencer sniffed, leaning back.

  “And you had no hair back then,” Kaden reminded him. “What was that again? A bet you lost?”

  Spencer snorted. “At least I didn’t get tattoos that would remind me every day of my life as a lovesick teenager.”

  I could feel the atmosphere changing from one moment to the next.

  “What did you say?” asked Kaden. His voice sounded like the calm before the storm—soft but dangerous.

  Spencer raised his hands in surrender. “Sorry, man.”

  My eyes darted from Spencer to Kaden and back.

  “Did you really have the name of your ex tattooed, or why are you so upset?” Scott asked, leaning in. He seemed to be the only one of us who hadn’t noticed the shifting mood.

  Kaden rose so suddenly that he jarred the table. He edged past me without speaking.

  “Did you have to, Spencer?” I heard Monica ask. I was watching Kaden heading past the dance floor, probably toward the bar.

  “I thought he was over it,” Ethan said.

  “Dare I ask what this is all about?” Dawn probed.

  Monica started to answer her, but I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation anymore. All I wanted to do was go to Kaden. Not only because he had been there for me over the last week, but because … well, I just had the feeling he needed me now.

  I excused myself and got up. Ignoring Dawn’s questioning glance, I walked in the same direction I’d seen Kaden go.

  I spotted him on a barstool. He was drumming his fingers on the counter and was staring at the whiskey glass in front of him. He moved his knee to the beat of the song playing in the background. I approached him and stopped by his side, at the bar. He stiffened.

  “Not now, Bubbles,” he growled and turned away.

  I could understand him so well. When the subject of Thanksgiving had come up earlier, there was nothing I wanted more than to disappear into my room. I knew how he was feeling—and I also didn’t want to push him to talk about something if he didn’t want to.

  I put my hand on his arm. He swung around to face me, his narrowed eyes throwing sparks. “I said-”

  “Dance with me,” I said in a firm, composed tone.

  He drew his eyebrows together and looked at me with suspicion. “What?”

  “Dance with me,” I repeated, tugging his arm.

  Kaden’s eyes grew wide. He seemed too surprised to resist. He slipped off the barstool and let me lead him to the middle of the dance floor.

  I closed my eyes and let the music in. It was loud and vibrated through my body. I started to move. As soon as I felt the beat, I opened my eyes again. Kaden was frozen in place, staring down at me. I stood on tiptoe until my mouth reached his ear.

  “Stop worrying,” I whispered. “Dance.”

  I ran my hand through my hair and then rested my fingers on Kaden’s shoulder. His lips were parted, his eyelids half closed. Suddenly I felt something touch my hip, and in a second Kaden had pressed my entire body against his. For a moment I lost my breath. Kaden’s grip was firm, his expression unreadable.

  My heart beat faster, and my hand drifted over his stomach to his chest and higher. Kaden drew in his breath as my fingers grazed the crook of his neck. His gloomy expression was gone.

  We danced and danced. We turned off our thoughts, forgot everything around us, and let ourselves go. I didn’t know how long we were moving together to the rhythm of the music, but at some point I felt weightless. Only the touch of Kaden’s hands kept my feet on the ground. His movements slowed until we were almost standing still.

  “I want to go home,” he whispered into my ear.

  I looked up at him. His face was glistening with sweat and his expression veiled, but he didn’t seem as tense as before.

  “Okay. If you need some time to yourself, I’ll rejoin the others,” I said, trying to be relaxed. But a certain gruffness in my voice betrayed how I felt. “They’re probably worried.”

  “I don’t think I made myself clear.” Kaden pulled me close again. He bent his head down until his hair touched my forehead. “We’re going home now. Yo
u and me. Together.”

  I caught my breath and nodded as if in a trance. It felt as if Kaden emitted a magical force that I was powerless to resist. There was no more distance between us—and I didn’t mean only physical distance.

  Without another word, he took me by the hand and led me out of the club. Even when we got outside he didn’t let go, but pulled me all the way home—which wasn’t far. He mounted the stairs in record speed and opened the door with such force that it banged against the wall.

  “Kaden!” I shouted, starting at the noise.

  Suddenly I felt my back against the wall; Kaden took my face in his hands. Before I could gasp for air, he kissed me.

  For a second I was frozen, then I returned his kiss with fire. I dug my fingers into his shoulder, stroked his neck with my other hand. He moaned.

  At that moment nothing existed for me except Kaden.

  His fingers pushed up under my shirt. Then he pressed his hips against mine. And what I felt there ripped me out of my feverish dream state.

  Hallelujah.

  I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him back. Panting, he looked down at me. His eyes were shining.

  “What are we doing?” I whispered, shaken.

  Kaden reached over me and leaned with his arm against the wall. His other hand was still supporting my back. It seemed like he didn’t want to let go.

  “I thought you wanted to distract me,” he said, his voice rough.

  His words felt like a bucket of ice-cold water in my face.

  “No.” I wriggled free and slipped past him into the living room.

  “What do you mean, no?” Kaden asked, right behind me. He tried to hold me but I tore my arm away.

  “No!” I shouted and turned around.

  Kaden looked confused. He blinked several times. “But you were the one who asked me to dance!”

  Stunned, I shook my head. “But I didn’t want to get you in bed! I wanted to distract you.”

  “Oh, really?” he demanded. He stepped toward me.

  I backed away. I knew I would lose all self-control if he touched me again as he had.

  “Kaden,” I said in an anxious quiet tone.

  He raised an eyebrow and took another step toward me. “Allie.”

  I shook my head and held him back with a hand on his chest.

  “It’s not going to happen. Not this way, under these conditions.”

  Kaden stared at my hand, which still lay over his pounding heart, as if he had only just understood the situation we were in and what we had almost done.

  I decided the best thing for me to do was go to my room. But before I could step back, he placed his hand over mine and pressed it against his chest. He lowered his head, and for a moment I was afraid he’d kiss me again. But he didn’t. Instead, he placed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. We stayed in this position, and I felt his heartbeat return to normal.

  “I’m going to sleep now,” I murmured.

  Kaden stepped back and released my hand. He looked at me with an expression I couldn’t quite define—sad and wistful at the same time.

  In the end, this had all been meant as a distraction for him. It was oh-so-familiar to me. Three years ago I’d done the exact same thing night after night. It meant nothing.

  “Good night, Allie.” Kaden’s voice sounded throaty.

  “Good night, Kaden.”

  Chapter 15

  My pen scratched on the paper as I feverishly wrote my last answer. Just as Professor Falcony’s timer chimed, I put my pen down.

  This time I wouldn’t fail. I was 100 percent sure. I turned around to Scott, who was sitting two rows back. He was shuffling his pages into order. When he saw my searching look, he gave me a thumbs-up. I sighed with relief. We’d both made it.

  We drove downtown to meet Dawn at an Italian restaurant that supposedly served the best pasta in town. I could already see her red hair when we turned onto the street. Luckily, I found a parking spot close to the restaurant.

  Dawn saw us getting out of the car. She raised an arm high and started to wave. She looked jittery.

  “How’d it go?” she asked right away, hugging us both.

  “Well, I think. At least we could both answer all the questions,” Scott said. He shrugged, but I knew how relieved he was. Same for me.

  “I knew you’d make it!” Smiling brilliantly, Dawn turned and pushed open the door to the bistro. The scent of fresh pizza and pasta overcame me, I couldn’t wait to order.

  After we’d sat down and looked at the menu, we talked about the exam. Dawn wanted to know every little detail, but Scott and I were exhausted. When the waiter returned and took our order, Scott turned the conversation in another direction: “I think we should go out partying before all the exams from now on,” he said and tore off a piece of the bread that the waiter had brought with our drinks. “I’ve hardly ever slept so well as I did last night.”

  I murmured in assent and took a sip of water. “Same here.”

  “To be honest, I’m surprised you got any sleep at all last night.” Dawn peered at me over the edge of her glass, and then raised an eyebrow, which disappeared under her bangs.

  “What do you mean?”

  Scott and Dawn exchanged a glance.

  “Yeah, well, you practically threw yourself at Kaden when he disappeared on us yesterday,” Dawn began.

  “And then we watched your dance performance,” Scott leaned in a bit over the table.

  “Sweetie, you can’t fool us. You didn’t see what we saw,” he added.

  I pursed my lips and considered just how much I could—or wanted to—tell my friends.

  After last night I hadn’t seen Kaden again. When I left the apartment this morning to do some last minute studying with Scott, Kaden was still asleep. Honestly, I was kind of glad about that—and then I managed to push the entire previous night out of my thoughts … until now.

  “Nothing—”

  “If you say ‘nothing happened’ then I’m gonna shove your face right into your pasta,” Dawn threatened, her spoon held high, though our food hadn’t even arrived.

  Again, I looked from one to the other. Then I sighed and leaned back with arms crossed. “We just danced.”

  “Oh yeah, how?” Scott waggled his brows so much that I was almost afraid they’d fall off and crawl toward me like caterpillars.

  “So?” Elbows on the table, Dawn stared me down. “Do we have to worry about interrupting you in the middle of something every time we come over?”

  “Listen, people, that’s not how it was,” I insisted.

  “Then tell us what really happened—come on!” Scott said, his tone playful.

  Did I have to? “I just wanted to distract him, okay? Spencer’s stupid comment hurt him, so I went over and danced with him just to take his mind off it.” I paused, seeking the right words. “But he kind of took it the wrong way.”

  I ended up telling them that Kaden kissed me, which wasn’t a lie, but made the whole thing seem a little less serious than it had really been. No sooner did I finish telling my story, than the waiter served our pasta, and I smiled up at him. After he’d gone, Scott and Dawn stared at me in disbelief.

  “So now what?” Dawn egged me on.

  “Hm?” I mumbled with my mouth full.

  “What happens next for you two!?” Scott chimed in.

  I sighed and set down my fork. “I’m not planning to start anything with Kaden. The situation is out of control.”

  Now the images from last night reappeared. How Kaden had pressed me against the wall and literally taken my breath away.

  But last night hadn’t meant anything—I had to repeat it to myself over and over. I was not Kaden’s plaything, a toy he could have fun with whenever he wanted, and that he could just as easily ignore. I didn’t want to be th
at for anyone, ever again—I’d made up my mind long ago.

  But last night as I lay awake, agitated and confused and only able to think about his hands on my body, something had become clear. No matter how hard I fought against it, I felt more than a physical attraction to Kaden. I liked him. And I thought I understood him. But after last night I didn’t know how I could face him again. He knew what I thought of his come-on, but what would that mean for us?

  I stared at my plate and shoveled more pasta into my mouth. This is what it was like to enjoy food without regret. No wonder I’d gained more weight. Thanks for the reminder, Mom.

  “Let’s leave it at that for today, Scott,” Dawn suggested. Then she leaned across the table and patted my arm. “I know how hard it is for you to talk about stuff like this. And I think you deserve a round of applause for dealing with us.”

  I stared at her, unsure of what to say.

  “Right,” Scott said. “But at some point I want all the hot details, Allie. You can’t hold back something like that from me. That goes against our rules of friendship.”

  I almost choked on my noodles. “There’s a rule that says I have to tell you about my love life?”

  “Of course! After all, I tell you both everything about me and Micah.”

  “Yes, without us even asking, my dear,” Dawn said, patting Scott’s shoulder. I nodded vigorously.

  Scott lamented: “Oh, children. You have a lot to learn.”

  I looked down at my plate to avoid eye contact with Dawn. Otherwise we’d probably both have burst out laughing.

  “I have to pack,” Dawn said after dabbing her mouth with her napkin.

  “What for?” I blurted out, and then realized how stupid that sounded. Of course. Today was the last day of classes before Thanksgiving break. Dawn would head home to her father this weekend.

  “Actually, I’m not up for spending my vacation with Dad. Nate’s family will be there, and if he comes, then I can’t guarantee what will happen. The whole thing could end in a bloodbath.”

  I bit my lower lip. My exams had preoccupied me so much that I didn’t know the latest between Dawn and her ex.