How to Break Up With Anyone

by Jamye Waxman

  “Virginity is such an outdated and unhelpful concept. Instead, we should focus on sexual debut: the first time you experienced sexuality with another being, however it was that it went. It not only opens up the avenues for a wider variety of interactions and can include everyone equally, but it also implies you made an active decision to start doing something. Nothing is lost or broken, but it’s simply the start of a series of beautiful opportunities.”

  —DR. TIMAREE SCHMIT, SEX EDUCATOR

  Dealing with a Sexuality, Gender or Virginity Break Up

  Transitioning your gender can take years to complete, while a sexual identity shift can happen more quickly and without much notice. Switching your sexual orientation doesn’t require surgery, hormones, or other more permanent solutions. However, gender identity may involve these things, especially when the person is feeling quite confident that they are in the wrong body. Once you can identify that you are not “this person” or you are more like “that person,” you can start on the road to full discovery. This is a huge topic, one that won’t be adequately covered in just one chapter of a break up book. There are plenty of books and resources focused solely on these experiences. Use them in conjunction with this material for a larger understanding of your process.

  “There’s a wonderful book called Becoming an Ex, by Helen Rose Fuchs Ebaugh. It talks about people whose identities are stated by what they were, not who they are. Ex-nun. Former man. Ex-president. Divorcee. What it taught me was that there’s a need for us to establish an identity that stands on its own. That helped me come up with the identity of transgender. Transgender doesn’t allow for people to assume, they don’t know what direction you’re talking about. They instead see that I play with gender. It brings the focus to an identity that’s current, instead of defining me by what I used to be at one time. Coming up with a name for your identity is important.”

  —KATE BORNSTEIN, AUTHOR OF GENDER OUTLAW: ON MEN, WOMEN, AND THE REST OF US.

  Because this is a journey of getting to know who you are, you will have to figure a lot out for yourself. That doesn’t mean you’ll do it alone, but like any big change, it can take time for other people to adjust along with you.

  Real Life Break Ups

  “For most of my life I have thought of myself as a heterosexual guy who has a few fetishes. I never really identified with the term transgendered, until recently, probably because I didn’t really know what it meant.

  Breaking up with being cisgendered has meant facing a lot of embarrassment and shame—completely internalized self-judgment and a lack of self-acceptance. A lot of this is probably leftover religious and cultural baggage that I either swallowed on my own or was force-fed as a child. But still, I find that my relationship between me and me is the hardest part of this work—coming out to myself is harder than coming out to friends. I have come out to a certain number of close friends about what I’m up to these days, and who I think I am. Since I started, I’ve been told many times by people I love and respect that they are proud of me and admire me. Telling the most hidden things about myself, the things I guess I thought would alienate me or bring condemnation, has brought me support and praise. I would be doing it all regardless of what people think, but the kindness and acceptance of friends has given me hope.

  Sometimes I think I should have done a lot of this work earlier in my life, but I wasn’t ready. And there’s one thing about doing it at age fifty: it goes to show that you can feel alive at any age, because it’s not about how old you are (you have no control over that, after all). It’s about showing courage, daring to grow and change, and finally getting around to doing the work you’re most afraid of, but which leads to the most potential for growth and healing.” —Doug

  As you begin the process of breaking up, start by making a list of things that you are. Think about how you feel, and not necessarily how you look.

  Get as detailed as you can about how you see yourself. Graph, or write out, what percentage of yourself adheres to certain sexual preferences or gendered ideas. List the things that make you feel good about the way you identify. Getting a clearer picture of who you are can help you get to where you’re going with more confidence.

  Once you get the basics down, move on to your own gender biases. For example, “I feel like a woman because I like to wear feminine clothing, especially bright-colored clothing. I also like to wear dresses and form-fitting pants.”

  By writing out how you see yourself, you may find out more about yourself than you ever imagined. This type of journaling can allow for even deeper personal exploration.

  Real Life Break Ups

  “Two years ago, I would have said that this aspect of me—the realization that I’m more female (maybe 99 percent female) than male—emerged from my sexual orientation self-discovery, which happened in 1990. Now, I am quite sure this break up with my gender started when I was thirteen and was in full swing when I was nineteen, but that a combination of things—college, trauma, and family—effectively cut me off from that appreciation.

  Before I could break up with my former identity, I had to practice self-acceptance. I had to love myself for being me, and I had to get to a place where I could follow my own path. I learned deeply from Kate Bornstein: transness is a spectrum of experience. There is no ‘one experience.’ Yes, it’s good and important to listen to other trans persons, but their path is not your path. Learning to make your own choices is one of the most important things you can do.

  I started female hormones at age sixty-two. I think I started the transition in a non-physical sense in about 2003 or 2004. I would say that I peaked in my need to break up with my male identity in November 2013. I realized that I had to do something about who I was. First, I talked to a therapist, and that was really hard to do.

  Next, I talked to my doctor, which was even harder to do, but he gave me a referral to a hormone doctor and she is amazing. Once I stepped off that dime, it felt totally right.

  On January 9, 2014, at 5:04 PM, I applied my first patch of estrogen. Within about an hour, I felt differently. It was, ‘Bye, bye guy. Hello doll.’

  ‘Hormones out’ was pretty easy. The ‘female out’ part—that was a kind of ‘inching forward’ into the topic. The coming out process has been really tough in the family constellation. I have two grown kids, an ex, an older sister, and an older brother. I told my sister in April last year, she was fine. I have not told my brother and I was petrified about telling my kids. I told my daughter, and she understood, and so we are now very close. I have not told my son. My huge fear is total loss of that person—talk about a break up!” —Lola

  When it’s time to let others in on your break up, there are so many ways you can do it. You can be clever and fun and do something surprising like bake a cake and write, “I’m bisexual,” in frosting on the top.8 You can change your name on Facebook and then explain it via social media. You can write an open letter to your friends and family or call them and let them know you have something very important to tell them.

  Doing it face-to-face can give you the strength to come out over and over again. Just make sure you will not be rushed or interrupted. Be prepared to answer all types of questions and deal with all sorts of feelings that might arise for you, or for the other person. This is good practice for all the other times you will have to have this conversation in your life too.

  When it comes to coming out at work, you may want to ask the boss if you can hold a meeting to let those you work directly with know firsthand. Or you can shoot out a group email, explaining any changes that you need to happen going forward. For example, if you are changing your name or your pronoun, an email would be a good place to let people know how you’d like to be addressed.

  One thing is certain: you will come out again and again, so learn to do it with confidence. After you take some time with yourself, tell your close friends about your decision. In fact, make the first person you tell the person you can feel safest with. And remember, it gets better.r />
  Expect Some Rejection

  While you will have a lot to say on the subject of your sexuality, let others explore how they feel as well. Ask them what it means to them to hear you say that you are straight, gay, bi, pansexual, queer, etc. If it’s no big deal to them, there’s no need to make it a big deal for your relationship with them either. Devote as much time as necessary to process your decision with those closest to you. Some people may be completely overwhelmed by the information, so be prepared to give some of your friends and family space to come to acceptance. And while hopefully they will, there is a chance that they won’t. Or you may decide that even though they accept you, your relationship with them was based on certain gender assumptions (i.e. a beer club is for guys who drink beer), and you may no longer want to associate with them. And although there could be a sense of rejection from some, you can find a community that embraces your “you” as you are.

  Real-Life Break Ups

  “I thought I was a full-blown lesbian until I was twenty-one. I was completely immersed in the Maryland lesbian community for years—and then when I started suspecting that I could be attracted to guys, I tried men out, and found that they’re not as icky as I originally thought. I hid my bisexuality from the community for a while because I was afraid of their reaction. Bisexual women are often thought to be ‘loose’ and indecisive because they ‘can’t choose’ between men and women. Lesbians are particularly threatened by bisexuals because they think bi women are often just ‘experimenting’ with lesbianism. Getting into a relationship with a bisexual woman is considered risky, because there’s a chance she may leave her lesbian girlfriend for a guy.

  When I finally did come out as bisexual, the lesbian community shunned me. My confession was met with sneers and disappointed expressions. A common reaction was, ‘Oh no! We lost another one,’ like I was a casualty of sexual war.

  When I told my straight male friends about my bisexuality, some of them were like, ‘Oh yeah! Now I have a chance to do it with you!’ while others were wigged out and acted like they didn’t know who I really was; they felt like I’d lied to them. One dude had a crush on me for a while and was upset that I didn’t ask him out as soon as I realized I liked dudes. He held it against me and we haven’t spoken for years.

  In a way, being a part of the lesbian community was like being a part of a strict religion. I could say and do whatever I wanted, as long as I accepted vagina as my sexual savior.

  When I discovered I was bisexual, I had to break up with my lesbian community—and make it a clean break. The community only wanted me to hang with them if I could commit to being gay forever. And I just couldn’t give my life to the Chapel of Cha-Cha. Needless to say, I don’t talk to anybody from the lesbian scene anymore. It’s a shame, but the community was judgmental and limiting. That relationship had to end.” —Krissy

  Some people may break up with you for changing. You’ll have to accept this too, and deal with it as someone who is being broken up with. It can and does happen, and just as you’re asking them to accept you, you have to respect their decision to be unaccepting.

  Come up with a back up plan in case the rejection becomes too much to handle. Have the name of a support person, someone you know well or a professional. If it’s a friend, make sure they know when you’re planning on having a difficult conversation, so they can be standing by when it’s all done.

  It’s always good to talk to a professional too. It can help you stay clear and move forward with your process. Attending a support group can also be very empowering.

  Ultimately, you need to make the choices that work best for you, and if whom you love and whom you screw screws with how others see you, then that’s their own issue to deal with. Respect others for having their opinions, but always respect yourself most.

  CONSIDERATIONS FOR THE BROKEN UP

  1.It’s okay to ask for clarity around concepts, as long as you are non-judgmental and open to learning.

  2.Give yourself permission to ask questions or have feelings.

  3.This is a chance for you to explore your own assumptions around sex and gender too.

  4.It’s not okay to try to convince somebody that their feelings aren’t valid.

  5.Seek out experienced help to deal with your feelings on the subject too.

  NINE

  Breaking Up With Your Career

  We spend a majority of our lives working. Sometimes we’re working on ourselves or working toward a goal whether it be to find a cure for a disease, to make money to live a comfortable life, to lose weight or learn to stop using the word should. But for the majority of us, working means getting paid to do a job for someone else or for ourselves in order to make a living. A majority of people building a career are success-driven, meaning we are working toward a goal.

  We spend a lot of our time defining ourselves by what we do “for a living.” This is a very American thing (or so I’ve been told). It’s often one of the first questions we find ourselves asking, or being asked, in conversation with someone we don’t know all that well. The fact that we focus so much attention on “what we do,” and not on who we are, makes breaking up with a job or a career a pretty big deal.

  The workplace can offer us a lot of opportunities. It provides us with a place to function as an individual or on a team. It affords us the opportunity to develop a set of skills, or find out more about something that interests us. It’s a space where we can feed off the energy of others who share a common goal. It’s a place where we are given responsibilities that we don’t usually have at home, as well as a place we can go to get away from home. The workplace is a chance for us to identify as something beyond our family and our friends, and it’s a place where we can try on and take off various hats. Some people find one job and stick with it throughout their lifetime, but others of us use work to experience, learn, and move on when the time is right.

  Either way, when our working relationships stop working, they are broken. And if you can’t see fixing the relationship, it may be time for a break up. Sometimes a break up isn’t your choice—you may get fired or let go for reasons beyond your control. But other times you may become disillusioned with your job, need a new adventure, or just want a change.

  Real-Life Break Ups

  “It’s incredibly difficult to try to make acting into a career. You can work extremely hard at it and not get anywhere, even if you’re unbelievably talented, which I’m not. I’m a good actor but not a great one. I got really tired of not being in the unions, not having representation, not landing any gigs that were moving me forward, going to open calls where I’d wait for two hours to be seen for two minutes, and doing work that I was embarrassed to tell anyone I was in. The proverbial straw that broke this actor’s back was when I shot a reality television pilot, thinking it would be fun and that I’d be seen by millions of people on TV. Instead, the entire shoot was a complete nightmare and the show never aired. I came home and I was done.

  Breaking up was easy and hard. I cancelled my subscription to Backstage, got off all the acting mailing lists I was on, stopped sending headshots and resumes, and recycled most of what I had left. Turning off my voicemail was harder and getting rid of my acting website was really hard.

  The worst part was dealing with the realization that my dream was gone; the thing that I had been trying to do and be for years and years no longer was a part of my life. I felt completely empty. I had (and still have) no idea what else I’d want to do, besides nothing. When I got to actually act and be paid for it, it wasn’t like a job, it was just how life was supposed to be. I was really depressed (much worse than normal) for around two months. I probably should have gone into therapy.

  I don’t miss the grind at all. I only miss having a purpose, as I still don’t feel like I really have one. Being a father helps, but it’s not quite it.” —Josh

  The Difference Between a Job and a Career

  A job is usually an employment situation where there is limited, if any, roo
m for personal growth. It usually doesn’t require special training or education, or if it does, you can generally learn these things while “on the job.”

  A career can be made up of a series of jobs, but it’s also a path to achieving goals on a road you’re passionate about taking. It’s generally a long-term concept that requires additional training and is salaried. A job is usually based on hourly pay.

  You can go from job to job and feel like a cog in the machine, but if you jump from job to job with a focus on your career, you will feel more like you are a necessary component in how the machine functions.

  A bad job might mean you look for something else of equivalent pay, while a bad career can contribute to a ton of stress, anxiety, and depression. Still, if you stick with a job or career that doesn’t suit you, both may lead to feelings of regret and remorse when it comes to life satisfaction.

  Changing Careers: An All-Ages Decision

  We experience a lot of stress over career changes, mostly because we need money to live or because we have become disinterested in something we were once passionate about. As we get older, we usually have more responsibility, and this responsibility tends to hold us back from making big, life-changing decisions. While responsibility requires sacrifice, it also requires we achieve a level of satisfaction so we can stay productive. And even if this responsibility makes breaking up with a career seem like something only younger folks can afford to do, it’s important that people of any age be happy with their career choices.

  I have broken up with more careers that most of my friends. I started out with the dream of being an on-air radio personality (a career I pursued right out of college) before moving on to becoming a radio and TV producer, and then a well-known sex educator. I also pursued graduate school to become a sex and relationship therapist, finishing up my PhD in sex education at the same time. Each step has led me to set new goals and pursue another part of myself.