How to Break Up With Anyone

by Jamye Waxman

  Of course, at the time of all of my big decisions, I was single and only had myself to care for. Now, as a mother, that isn’t the case. Still, I’d do it again, with the caveat of making sure I saved up some money to be able to have a level of cushioning. The question is, would you?

  It can be inspiring to watch yourself pursue a new career and head further down your path. Once you commit to heading down your new road, you will have a sense of pride in being true to yourself. It may be hard to imagine taking big career risks in your forties and fifties, but it’s not unfathomable. Sure, it may look like a mid life crisis, but it could also be a mid life catharsis.

  What to Know Before You Go

  It’s not always possible to break up with a career, or even a job. Especially when you have a family to support, bills to pay, and no clear picture regarding how you can save money in the present while working toward your future. In fact, it would be pretty scary to start anew when you don’t have the support you need to get by. Sometimes, the best way to start going through the process is to seriously think about what it is you want to do and make a timeline of achievable steps toward your goal.

  Unless you’re single and/or working for yourself, a career change will impact your family, your roommates (when they ask how you’ll pay the rent), and even your coworkers. If you’re partnered, you need to be willing and able to talk with your partner so they can help figure out your financial situation for the time being. And you want to make sure you’re doing what feels right to you.

  Real-Life Break Ups

  “I came to the conclusion that I was in the wrong career one morning at about 2 AM. I was still awake at my computer doing some freelance web development work and loving it. I thought back to earlier in the day, staring at the clock, unsatisfied writing copy and proofreading ads. I decided then that work could be fun, and that I didn’t need to be stuck in my dead-end job. So, I started educating myself through online courses and Meetup groups.

  It was so important to develop my network. I had to go out and meet people in the industry and learn new skills. It was not easy, and it’s even harder as you get older and have more responsibilities. I made the change when I was thirty, married, and a homeowner. But I wanted it bad enough, so I found the time and made the sacrifices. I found out how little sleep I could function on. I used vacation days to work on projects, attend conferences, and go to networking events. I did this until I was confident enough to make the break from copywriting to becoming a professional web developer.

  The hardest part was the unknown. I was scared. I’d only had one professional job after graduating from college and I was there for a long time, and now I was leaving for a new career with a new skill set in New York City. As a copywriter, I worked in an industrial park in the suburbs of New Jersey, so working in NYC was big and scary in and of itself. I drove to work in NJ; now I was going to take a bus. I had no idea how the subway worked. I was also married and owned a condo, so there was that stress too if things didn’t pan out. However, I had a wife who pushed me and supported me. She pushed me to leave my job since she knew I hated it. She worked in NYC prior to becoming a freelancer, so she told me where things were in the city and how to get around. The fact that she was onboard and supporting this decision made it easier to deal with the transition.

  All this investment paid off. Now, I rarely feel like my job is ‘work,’ since even if I had millions of dollars and didn’t have to work anymore, I’d still be at my computer writing code for something. I almost feel like my previous career was some sort of bad dream. And even if I’m having a tough day in my new career, I’d take it over the best day at my previous career.” —Michael

  The more certain you feel about your decisions, and the more support you have, the better able you will be to handle any challenges that arise, including the challenge of making the wrong decision and finding out that you didn’t really want to go anywhere. To stop doubt from creeping in, there are some preventative measures you can put into place. These can help you make sure that you don’t quit your current job until you’re ready to start anew.

  TALK TO YOUR FAMILY

  Your family’s support will be integral during this time of change. And since they will be impacted by your decision, talk with them before making any drastic moves. Even if you are miserable and really need a change, you need to lay out a plan of action for how you will pay rent, bills, and other expenses that you usually cover.

  TALK WITH A PROFESSIONAL

  A life coach is great at helping you flush out what you think is your purpose and then can help you find ways to succeed. A career consultant can help you map out a plan for exploring new options and keep you moving forward on your path.

  USE HUMAN RESOURCES

  If you want to stay in the same organization but might want to be handling different responsibilities, talking with someone in Human Resources could help facilitate the shift you need.

  TAKE A LEAVE OF ABSENCE

  Find out what your company’s policies are for paid or unpaid leave. During that time, you can research other job options or decide about going back to school. Time away from work not only allows you to see what’s realistic and viable; it also gives you a chance to make sure you don’t act too hastily.

  VOLUNTEER

  Spend a few hours once a week donating your services to someplace or something that lifts you up. Or, if you have the money or flexibility, leave your job and volunteer someplace tropical or exotic. You never know when you may be able to volunteer your way to a new career path. By creating a working vacation, you can volunteer your time and services in a place you’ve always wanted to visit and try out a job you never thought possible.

  WRITE IT OUT

  If you’re uncertain about why you’re leaving or what to do next, write it down. First, write a list of the reasons you should stay and the reasons you want to go. Then, write down careers you’d really like to have. It’s not important that you know specifics. For example, you don’t need to know that you want to help people work out their tax problems; just knowing you want to help people is a good start. You can also get ideas from things you do in your free time. Staying home and watching movies could be an indication that a job that doesn’t require a lot of travel is right up your alley.

  DO YOUR RESEARCH

  Peruse LinkedIn and other social networking sites to follow the careers of people you admire, and look into other job sites to get an even better idea of what’s available. Talk to people in your proposed future career, and let them know that you are interested in changing fields. Offer to buy them coffee or a meal so you can probe them for any advice, suggestions, and job leads. Find out what kind of trainings and conferences you can attend that will help you enhance your skills and connections. Join listservs or Meetup groups that share your interests. You might also want to check into costs associated with these expenditures and any credentials you will need for success down the road.

  CREATE A KICK-ASS CV

  Write a resume that shines light on the strengths you have. Are you a master at working on a team? Or are you a well-known problem solver? Highlight your leadership and people skills to get you where you want to go. Seek inspiration in what you love doing, and you can find a career in doing what you love.

  FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE

  Be at peace with the fact that you are likely starting back at the beginning. And even though you are going to be starting from the ground and working your way back up, don’t let age, or other people, stop you from enjoying the experience of learning new skills. When it comes to careers, it’s better to be climbing up a ladder than sliding down a chute.

  Breaking Up with the Workplace

  When it’s time to leave your job or career, stand strong and remain calm. Keep your game face on, and if you’re wavering, remember why you’re leaving (go back to your list of pros and cons if you’ve written them down). Discuss any doubts you have with your support network. Take a deep breath, and think of all the thing
s that led up to this decision. Then leave the job knowing that you are in the driver’s seat on this one.

  While you may never care to return, it’s better to break up on good terms than bad ones. If you know you’re going to break up with your job, get as much work done as you can (or care to) so you can ensure there is a letter of recommendation waiting for you whenever you need it. And, just in case you might want to come back, breaking up on good terms is more likely to allow you the opportunity to knock on an open door in an emergency.

  Real-Life Break Ups

  “In October 2013 there was an opening within our marketing department for a digital marketing director. I expressed interest in the position but because the position was never posted, I could not formally apply.

  At the same time I was broadening my search and opening up possibilities of where I wanted to work. My wife actually found a YMCA position and I applied. To my amazement I got a response and started the interview process.

  Move ahead to the middle of November and I was now a final candidate for the YMCA job. One Monday night at work, I was on our internal employee site looking for someone’s title within the organization (I was working at a large TV network). I was clicking around and noticed that the position that I had expressed interest in had been filled. The next morning I confronted my boss on the matter. To my knowledge there were no interviews for this position. He did not have an answer.

  At the same time the Y had started doing reference checks. Finally, on Friday morning I got an answer from the GM of the television network that yes, they had filled the position. I expressed my displeasure in how the situation was handled and that I was not upset that someone else had filled the job, but how I was never given a shot to interview for it. That afternoon I received the offer from the YMCA. I called my wife and told her.

  I accepted the position that Friday. That following Monday I went into my boss’s office with my letter of resignation then went down to the GM’s office and informed him of my decision to leave. I put in the two weeks notice and haven’t looked back.

  The hardest part was leaving coworkers that I had worked with for long periods of time, as well as leaving the comfort zone of the TV/entertainment world to go market the YMCA. Change is hard, it took me three years to finally leave. I would recommend to anybody to network, reach out to past coworkers, and leave on good terms.” —Gavan

  If you think some of your coworkers are going to take the news personally, try to tell them before word spreads like wildfire. Before you go into your boss’s office, have an email pre-typed and ready to send out immediately after your meeting. If you have made close friends at work, you can use the email to set up a time and date for a good-bye gathering at a local bar or restaurant. You can also create a monthly get-together so you have some assurance you will stay in touch after you leave and you won’t miss out on the office gossip and other adventures. When it comes to discussing your decision to leave with your coworkers, be honest about your reasons for leaving without bashing the company (even if the company deserves a good bashing). Not everyone will have the same opportunities as you, and although some of your coworkers may want out as well, they may not have the strength or drive to make it happen. And if they like where they work, they may not feel comfortable hearing you talk trash about their employer. While your coworkers may be sad to see you go, they will hopefully be excited that you are moving on your path.

  When it comes to actually leaving a job, the only real choice is to break up face-to-face, unless you work remotely. If that’s the case, you can let them know by phone or over email. Regardless, be courteous. Even if you absolutely detest the tasks you had been assigned and can’t wait to rip off your uniform and burn it in a ritual beach bonfire with your friends (remember burning clothes can be bad for the environment), stay gracious and grateful during your exit interview. When quitting, thank those above you for investing their time and energy in your work. If you can, point out an example or two of good impressions they have left on you. And then, if you need to, you can always express your discontent in the nicest way possible.

  If they hire someone new after you leave, think about if you would be open to getting a call from your replacement, so that you can show them the ropes. Look at the situation, and ask yourself how you would want others to act if they were the ones leaving you at the job.

  Unfortunately, we don’t always leave jobs for personal gain, but even when you’re leaving for more difficult reasons—like having to take care of a sick parent or child—people are generally open to helping make the transition smoother both for you and for them. And while not all break ups are about bad bosses or office policies, some of them are. If your break up is about how your boss mistreats you, or because of your company’s policy on covering birth control for women, you may not leave quietly and nicely. And that’s okay too. But, as the saying goes, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar.

  Breaking Up with a Business Partner

  When you cocreate a concept or business with another person, it’s like being married and making a baby. And although you don’t walk down the aisle thinking about who would get the child if you decide to divorce (or if you do, you might want to reconsider the marriage), when it comes to a business relationship, it usually works better to figure those details out before you jump into the union. As a result of the strong bond of business, a break up with a business partner can drain you of a whole lot of emotion and money. Having safeguards in place beforehand can help with the heartache.

  ARE YOU SATISFIED?

  When it comes to job satisfaction, singing makes people happy. According to a study on myplan.com,1 singers report the highest levels of gratification from their work. Fire fighters are the second most satisfied, followed by aircraft assemblers (Who knew?), pediatricians, college professors, and counselors. The most unhappy in their jobs are clerks of many kinds (including mail clerks, municipal clerks, insurance policy processing clerks, and hotel desk clerks). Housekeepers and those who work in the food service industry were also low down on the satisfaction scale.

  Just like in marriage, signing some sort of business “prenup” is a good plan. Otherwise, you may not realize just how entangled you are and how complicated the mess is that you need to get out of. Money and pride can cloud your judgment about right and wrong. Whether the break up is due to health or hate, there are going to be things that need to be addressed fairly. That’s why you might want to really consider working with a mediator, attorney, accountant, or advisor.

  If you can stay levelheaded through the break up, you can address your concerns, fears, and feelings. If one partner did things that seemed unethical, it’s important to address this too, and a third person can help hold a safe space for you. That may mean you need to bring up things your partner may have been doing, including making deals on the side or hiding finances from you. Or maybe you just want to take the business in a different direction and need to break up with a business partner so you can do that.

  There are other big things you want to think about, too, like do either of you get to carry on with the business as planned? What happens to the name and the concept when you go kaput? Are you willing to be bought out, or does the idea die when the ship goes down? All of this requires planning and consent from all those involved. The best approach is an honest approach, but not one that is motivated by anger or hate. Even if there are ugly reasons to end the relationship, trying to find the solution that works in the best interest of the “baby” will allow you to see things through a bigger-picture approach.

  Being Broken Up With: Getting Fired or Laid Off

  When your career breaks up with you, it’s just as stressful as the sudden end to a romantic relationship. You need time to grieve and to accept the situation. If your identity has been wrapped up in your company or your position, then leaving can feel like dying. But the silver lining is that you now have the chance to be reborn.

  In order to go through the process of mourning
the loss of who you were (based on your career), you need to feel the loss. You may need to go to the gym and punch a heavy bag or have a good cry. Perhaps you want to find a way to signify the ending of a chapter in your work life by performing a ritual tearing up of your old business cards and other mementos. Or maybe you need to recite a mantra reminding yourself that you will survive.

  You’ll want to stay busy too. You can join groups that promote your passions, whether they are related to the job you just lost or the job you want to find. You may also want to practice how you handle the “identity dilemma” when it comes up in conversation. Think about what you will say when someone asks, “What do you do?” What other things do you love to do? What are your hobbies? And what are you hoping to do now that you have the freedom to find a new path?

  If you’ve been fired or laid off, you may not have much time to get out (both your stuff and your person). This can happen when you quit too, especially when the company sees your staying as a threat to their “top-secret” business. Either way, try to get away from work before you laugh out loud or lose your shit. And before you do anything drastic, sit with the news. You may feel hurt, angry, lost, rejected, unworthy, or undesirable. On the flip side, you may feel elated, free, excited, and motivated to move on. Whatever it is you’re feeling, really feel it.

  Make sure you take everything important with you. Get clear on what type of severance pay is owed to you and what else you deserve when you leave. Also, ask for a letter of recommendation if you can.

  Once you get out of there, get out. This could mean going to a park or a movie or locking yourself in a closet to cry and contemplate your next move. Basically you want to go someplace where you can be alone with your feelings and thoughts so that you can have some time to think things through. If that idea seems too depressing, go someplace where you can be mentally but not physically alone. That may mean going to a yoga class to get your zen on or to a bar to have a drink, as long as you try not to drink yourself into a stupor (even if it feels like the best thing you can do).