The Patient One

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Molly sighed. “I understand now.”

  “Gut. So, can we just hang out? Maybe play a game or cards or something?”

  “Jah. Over in that cabinet are some board games. Pick one out and we’ll play.”

  As Danny got to his feet to retrieve a game, he realized he felt ten pounds lighter. He’d never intended to reveal so much.

  But maybe it was time he did.

  THIRTY–TWO

  “It was exactly like Andy said.” Katie opened her mouth to say more, to try to explain why that memory was so dear to her, but she couldn’t seem to form the words.

  As quietly as he’d approached, John turned and walked down the hall, Danny’s words echoing in his ears.

  He’d intended to simply ask Molly and Danny if they wanted anything. He, James, Mamm, and Daed had all gotten to talking in the kitchen and lost track of time. After thirty minutes or so, Daed had remembered that no one had checked on Molly since she and Danny had entered the back parlor.

  John had volunteered to go check on them, mainly because he’d been feeling restless, waiting for Marie to get home.

  But hearing the tail end of their conversation had left him stunned.

  Never had he imagined that Danny had been fighting his own demons or carried his own burdens that might be too hard for him to bear. Though he was older and supposedly grown up, John had behaved like a spoiled child around him, only caring about himself and his feelings. He was going to need to apologize to Danny one day very soon.

  The conversation also gave him something to think about in terms of Andy’s death. He and the rest of the Eight had been having such a hard time, he hadn’t thought about everyone else who had been affected by the tragedy.

  And then there was Molly’s sharing of how hurt and upset she’d been about her paralysis. Though, of course, he’d known she wasn’t glad to be in a wheelchair, he realized that he and the rest of the family had stopped talking about it, thinking she was fine, or that at the very least, she’d come to terms with it.

  Now he realized that all their silence had done was make her feel like she couldn’t share her feelings. Feeling more confused than ever, John knew if he stayed at home and kept silent, he would feel like his head was going to explode.

  Needing to be around any one of the Eight, he quickly told his parents that Molly and Danny were fine, then walked out the back door, grabbed his bike, and rode down to Will’s house.

  He discovered Will sitting by the fire pit on the side of his parents’ house. And he wasn’t alone. Logan, Katie, Kendra, and Harley were there. And, to his surprise, so was Marie.

  They looked as surprised to see him as he was to see them all gathered together—without his knowledge.

  Even though he shouldn’t, he felt a little hurt. “Did we have something planned that I forgot about?”

  “Nee,” Katie said. “Kendra and I were bored so we came over here to see what Will and his sister were doing.”

  “I had just come over,” Logan said.

  “And I was over here doing some work for Mr. Kurtz,” Harley explained.

  Marie shrugged. “I was driving home and saw Kendra’s bike in the front, so I took a chance and stopped over. Being with them seemed better than being alone.”

  Walking to her side, he said, “I feel much the same way.”

  When she smiled up at him, John’s turbulent emotions finally eased. Being with her was right. Planning a future with her felt right, too.

  “You okay?” she whispered.

  “Jah.” Needing some kind of connection, he stared at her lips. Would Marie get mad if he bent down and lightly kissed her? Surely not.

  Now, the others might be shocked or even tease them. But did that really matter? Maybe . . .

  “John B., now that you know all about us, tell us what’s going on with you,” Will called out, dispelling his train of thought. “Why are you here?”

  He stood up and looked at the lot of them, gathered round. Harley and Will were sitting on closed coolers with Kendra. Katie was sprawled on a lounge chair next to Marie.

  “What is going on?” she whispered to him.

  How could he put into words everything that was going through his head?

  When he hesitated, Katie shifted on her lounge chair and smiled up at him. “Will, it could be he’s only here because of Marie.” She winked at the others. “Word is out that John is now a mini-Englischer and only has thoughts of Marie these days.”

  Looking down at his jeans and T-shirt, he laughed. “I canna deny that.”

  As he’d hoped, Marie’s expression softened, and the rest of them chuckled.

  Harley stood up and opened the large Igloo cooler he’d been sitting on. “You want something to drink? I’ve got some water bottles inside. A couple of sodas, too.”

  “I’m all right. Danke.”

  Even in the dim light, he could tell that Kendra was eyeing him closely. “If you don’t want to tell us, I understand. But talking about it might make you feel better.”

  He knew enough about Kendra to know that she kept quite a bit to herself. He hoped one of these days she would trust one of them enough to let her guard down. Realizing that he actually did trust these people more than anyone else in the world, he spoke. “I overheard something this evening. I was . . . well, I was eavesdropping on my little sister.”

  “Amanda or Molly?” Marie asked.

  “Molly.”

  Kendra winced. “Oh, John.”

  “I didn’t say I was proud of it. Anyway, I overheard the boy she has been seeing talk about Andy’s death.”

  Harley frowned. “What was Danny saying?”

  John paused. “How did you know my sister was seeing Danny?”

  “It wasn’t hard to see. They were together at the Fall Festival, remember?”

  “What did Danny say?” Will asked.

  John chose his words with care, wanting to do justice to Danny’s words. “He’s worried about his brother, Sam. I guess their home life ain’t so good, and while Danny has dealt with it by being outgoing and taking on extra work, his little brother has been holding all his hurt and anger inside. Danny said his brother is only biding his time until he is old enough to leave. When Molly questioned that, he said . . .” John paused, gathered himself, and then blurted, “Danny said that Sam doesn’t want to end up like Andy. So unhappy that he takes his own life.”

  He could practically feel the hurt float off of each person surrounding him.

  “That was pretty harsh of Danny to say,” Katie said.

  “I would agree, except I started thinking that maybe all of us, or maybe some of us, have been hurting but keeping all that pain inside because we didn’t think the others wanted to see us fall apart.”

  New tension filled the air, making him uneasy. He started talking faster. “All I meant is that I’ve really missed Andy. I can’t think of the number of times I’ve started to go by his house and then stopped myself. Or thought of a joke that he would like. His death has created a gap in my world. A fissure. And sometimes? Well, sometimes, I feel like crying.”

  “We all do,” Harley said.

  “Nee, I’m not done. I’m trying to tell ya that sometimes I just feel angry. I feel like yelling at Andy. I feel like telling him that he shouldn’t have kept everything inside. That I would have listened. That any of us would have helped him. That . . . that he didn’t have to kill himself.”

  Shocked that he’d said those words, shocked that he’d actually talked about being angry, he felt his cheeks flush and a hard knot form in his throat. He inhaled several times, trying to catch his breath.

  He kept waiting for one of them to say that he wasn’t the only one feeling that way. But the only sound he heard was the faint chirp of crickets from the field nearby.

  As the silence continued, John lowered his head. “I’m sorry. I guess I was imagining things. I mean, let’s just forget about—”

  “Marie’s crying,” Kendra said, her own voice thick w
ith emotion.

  He stepped toward her. “Marie?”

  She held up a hand, as if trying to act like she was okay, but then that hand flew up to her face as she cried harder.

  Just as he knelt by her side, a hundred recriminations filled him. What had he just done?

  THIRTY–THREE

  “I remember everything that happened that day, too,” Marie said, standing up. Glancing at her mother, she smiled. “Of course, I do have a pretty good scar from that surgery on my ankle as a reminder.”

  Kneeling by Marie’s side, John felt his eyes fill with tears as he rubbed her back. Seeing her this way was almost physically painful for him.

  Their Marie Hartman, the girl who had always seemed to have control, the woman who usually took everything in stride, was now crying uncontrollably. Her usual posture, so confident, so poised, was crumbled. She didn’t even seem to notice the tears that were falling down her cheeks in thick rivulets.

  He glanced at Kendra, Katie, and the other men. Kendra and Katie were now standing next to Harley and Will. All four of them looked as surprised as he was about Marie’s tears. They were also holding on to each other, too.

  As hard as it had been to share what he had, John was glad he did. He now realized all of them had felt the same thing.

  Looking at Marie, at the woman he knew he loved, John also knew he couldn’t remain apart from her any longer.

  “Ah, Marie,” he murmured as he reached for her, sliding both of his hands along her arms, then shoulders, then gently pulling her closer. After a few seconds, she knelt down next to him. He responded by holding her even closer, practically positioning her in his lap.

  She lifted her head, looking at him with an almost apologetic expression. “John?”

  “Shh. Cry all you want, Marie,” he murmured as he ran a hand down her back. “It’s okay.”

  She relaxed against him and sniffed. A minute or two after, she placed her palms on his shoulders and looked into his eyes. “How did you know how I felt?”

  “It was just like I said. I tried not to hurt, then I tried not to burden anyone else.” Unable to help himself, he brushed back a chunk of her golden hair that had fallen over her eyes. The strands felt silky-soft. “I left my house, not even sure where I was headed. All I knew was that I wanted, no, needed someone to help me.” He glanced at the others. “I guess God knew it was time, because he brought me to all of you.”

  Marie gave him a watery smile before slipping off his lap and turning to the others. “Andy is gone, and it hurts so bad.”

  Will walked to her side and sat down next to her on the bench. “He still comes to my dreams almost every night. I both love the sight of him and dread it, too. Every time I see that smile of his, I feel like I’m losing Andy all over again.”

  Kendra and Harley returned to their places. Katie returned to her lounge chair and gestured to an empty chair for John. He sat down, too, completing their circle.

  “I started crying at the grocery store the other day,” Katie whispered. “There I was, minding my own business, when I turned the corner and saw a display of those dumb Twizzlers.”

  Harley cleared his throat. “John, I’ve had questions, too. Over and over I asked myself why he felt he had no other options but death. Why didn’t Andy talk to us? Why didn’t he trust me?” he continued, his voice strained. “Did he not realize I would have dropped everything in order to help him? I wish I could have been a better friend.”

  Kendra was sitting with her hands wrapped around her middle. “My thoughts are always more selfish. I always want to yell at him. To make him understand that I needed him.”

  “I thought Andy knew all that.” John swallowed, forcing himself to utter words he’d only admitted to himself. “But maybe there was more going on with him that he never shared with anyone. Maybe our friendship wasn’t enough. Maybe even our love for him wasn’t enough.”

  “I wish it would have been,” Marie whispered.

  John tried to think of the right words to say. Tried to think of anything to help ease Marie’s pain.

  To ease all of their sorrow.

  But he couldn’t. Weeks ago, he’d told himself that his sadness didn’t really matter. That his feelings of loss could never compare to Andy’s parents’ grief, or to his sister Tricia’s pain.

  And because of that, he’d persuaded himself that he didn’t deserve to feel so left out and left behind.

  But perhaps, like so many things, he’d been wrong.

  He licked his lips, trying to generate some moisture in his mouth. Anything to help make the words come more easily. “Andy was our leader. That is true. I always saw him as something bright and shiny, like a new penny.”

  Half speaking to himself because he really had no idea if he was making any sense, he said, “Have you ever seen those bright, shiny pennies? The ones where the copper is so light that you hate to even put your fingers on it because you know you’ll tarnish it right away? But then you take hold of it anyway because you justify it, saying to yourself that it wasn’t worth much anyway. So it don’t really matter?”

  He didn’t look to see if the others understood, because he wasn’t even sure if he understood where his words were coming from.

  “To me, that was what Andy was like. Better than I imagined. Shiny, new . . . so perfect. Someone I always wanted to be around.” John swallowed. “Now I realize that he was just as fragile as one of those shiny new pennies. He wasn’t meant to stay shiny and perfect, because none of us are. As the years pass, we begin to look a little worn, a little tarnished by life and age and hurts.”

  Katie squinted, almost as if she was trying to picture a slightly tarnished Andy Warner. “Perhaps he didn’t like how life had changed him.”

  “Maybe. I don’t really know. I do know that all our marks and tarnishes and luster make us better on the inside. But sometimes those improvements aren’t any easier to see.”

  “Even if he wasn’t the same, I still wanted him in my life,” Will said.

  “I did, too,” Harley murmured. “All of us did.”

  After a moment, Marie swiped her eyes. Let out a ragged sigh. Looked at him in the eye and kind of smiled. “Yeah, for all the tarnish of this situation, he still left a beautiful mark on us, didn’t he?” She tucked her chin and swiped beneath her eyes again.

  John knew what she was doing—attempting to clean up the mascara that had run under her eyes. He wished she hadn’t been brought up to be so aware of herself. He knew he’d spend the rest of his life showing her that she was always beautiful to him no matter what. Even now, it wasn’t her tear-stained cheeks that drew his eye but her vulnerability.

  That was what was so dear to him. That was why she was his Marie.

  “I saw Mrs. Warner at the drugstore a couple of days ago,” Will said. “She . . . well, I think she was picking up some prescriptions for herself. I don’t think she’s been sleeping.”

  “What did you say to her?” Marie asked.

  “When she saw me, she ducked her head, like she was embarrassed not to be all put together. But when I hugged her, she started crying, saying that she missed Andy.” His voice lowered. “And she misses how things used to be.”

  John felt the back of his throat clench. He realized then that tears were threatening him, too. “I haven’t gone to see Mr. and Mrs. Warner in weeks. I probably should.”

  “As soon as I got home, I told my mamm,” Will added. “She said she was going to call on Mrs. Warner as soon as she was able.”

  “We can remind everyone else to visit, too,” Katie said. “Maybe those visits will help Andy’s parents remember that they’re not alone.” Suddenly looking stricken, she added, “Or maybe it won’t.”

  Will shrugged. “But at least we’ll have tried.”

  John nodded. When he noticed that Harley was wiping his eyes and looking embarrassed about his tears, he said, “I think it’s all right for us to still be sad and to still be angry and missing him, too. We aren’t shiny
pennies, either.”

  “Not by a long shot,” Will said.

  As more thoughts bubbled to the surface, John forced himself to share. “I’ve also been thinking some about how much guilt I’ve placed upon myself.”

  “You’ve felt guilty, too?” Katie asked.

  He nodded. “I kept thinking that I should have tried harder to stay in touch with Andy. That I should have known that he was different, that he was suffering. But it would have been impossible to read his mind.”

  “Every time we talked, he sounded like he was fine.” Katie bent her head. “The last time we had any kind of lengthy conversation, it was all about Tricia and Logan.”

  Harley smiled softly. “Andy wasn’t real pleased with one of his best friends spending so much time with his little sister.”

  “It even caught me off guard,” Will said. “When we talked, I told Andy that, then we both agreed that Logan’s intentions were good and that it was out of our hands. We ended the conversation kind of laughing because we realized we sounded like doting parents.”

  “Maybe that’s our answer then,” John said.

  “What is?” Katie asked.

  “That even though we all miss Andy terribly, we can’t change how things were . . . or turn back time. Even though we’re all good friends, none of us are the same people we used to be. And I might be wrong, but I think Andy would have been the first person to agree with me.”

  Marie slowly smiled. “No, he would have said you would have been foolish to even try to make things the way they used to be.”

  “Nee, he would’ve said you were stupid as a bag of rocks for wanting that,” Will corrected with a low laugh. “Andy never said words like foolish a day in his life.”

  Two tears slipped out of Marie’s eyes as she started laughing again.