Dead-Tective Box Set

by Mac Flynn

  Vince scarfed down the plate of spaghetti and gobbled his way through another plate before his overeagerness caught up to him. He paused and his face turned blue. I blinked at him. "You okay?"

  Vince shook his head and pointed at his throat. He opened his mouth, but I didn't hear any sound, or air, come out. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped agape when I realized the food was lodged in his throat. I swept from my seat to his padded bench, grabbed him about the middle and turned him toward the window. I pressed my fists against his sternum and with a great heave I shoved my hands into his chest.

  A glob of spaghetti wrapped around a bread roll flew from his mouth and hit the window. I had no idea when he stuffed the roll into his mouth, but the bread glob slid down the window and onto the sill. Vince let out a violent cough that alerted the waiters, and two of them rushed over.

  "What is it, Signorina? What is the matter?" one of them asked us.

  I turned to them and blocked their view of my recovering companion. "What's the matter is that your food is so delicious my friend here ate it too fast. He's fine now, but I'll have to complain to the cook and give him an extra fifty bucks for trying to choke my friend."

  The waiters smiled and laughed, and I joined in with a smile. "Then are you needing anything else, Signorina?" they asked me.

  I shook my head. "No, but thanks." They bowed their heads and left to attend to the other guests. I turned my attention back to Vince. He sat stiffly on his cushioned seat with his back partially turned to me. I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a little shake. "You okay?" I whispered.

  "I am fine, merely-merely feeling very foolish," he admitted.

  I sighed and pushed my hip into his side. "Scoot over." Vince, too surprised to argue, scooted down and I joined him on his side of the booth. "You just need to take it slow. You know, enjoy every bite and chew it slowly and try all the plates so you can find out which foods you really like," I advised. I gave him a teasing smile. "I'd really hate to have survived all the trouble we've been through just to end up dying because you choked to death on some food."

  "I will be more careful," he promised.

  "Good, then let's eat."

  Over the next two hours we did justice to the feast set before us. Other patrons came and went, and so did some of our plates as we worked our way through the piles. The only other problem we encountered was with the wine. I realized too late that the light-weight former vampire couldn't handle alcohol, even in low quantities. It was nearing ten when Vince leaned against me with his fork in one hand and a half-empty wine glass in the other. He had a lopsided grin on his face and his cheeks were flushed.

  "Such a pretty place. We must come here more-hiccup-often," he suggested.

  I wrinkled my nose at his breath. It still reeked of stale blood, and now had a mix of pasta sauce and wine added to the unhealthy combination. "Vince, are you drunk?" I asked him.

  "I think I-hiccup-may be," he replied.

  I took his wine glass from his hand and set it on a tray to my left. "Uh-huh, let's just assume you are and-"

  "Liz? Liz Stokes?" a voice asked on my left.

  I turned and my eyes widened when I recognized one of my old coworkers from the office. He was a guy about my age on the same floor who talked to me every once-in-a-while. "Bob?" I returned.

  He grinned. "It is you. I thought I was dreaming. Nobody's heard from you in weeks and the police came searching for you. What the hell happened?"

  "I-uh, I had a mid-life crisis and had to change occupations," I told him.

  Bob glanced past me and at Vince. I followed his gaze and noticed Vince's blue eyes were narrowed and his lips were set in a fine line. One of his hands reached up and grasped my arm. Even I had to admit the scene looked suspect, and that's how Bob took it, too. "You know, if you're in some sort of trouble you should call the police," Bob suggested.

  I understood his double meaning. He thought Vince had me captured. That was partly true, especially with his hand around my arm. I tried to shrug it off, but he gripped tighter. "It's not really that big of a deal. I just needed some breathing room and decided to go into business with my partner here." I nodded at Vince and cringed when his hold tightened to a near-painful level. "Not so hard," I hissed.

  Bob overheard me and frowned. "Liz, if you're having some sort of trouble I'd be glad to-" Vince released my arm and stood. The five-eight Bob had nothing on the six-foot tall vampire.

  My partner glared down at the short interloper. Gone was the funny drunk and here was the nasty drunk. "She does not need your assistance," he argued.

  "It sure as hell looks like she does," Bob countered.

  I stood between them and pushed the men apart. "Just both of you calm down. Bob, I'm fine. Vince, I'm fine, so you both just sit back down and-"

  "I'll sit down," Bob agreed. I was relieved until he sat down opposite us. He nodded at Vince. "And I'll leave just as soon as he does."

  Our waiter hurried over. "Is there a problem?" he asked us.

  "No, I think we were just leaving. Could you bring our bill?" I pleaded. He nodded and hurried away to bring a receipt that no doubt equaled the length of Santa's list.

  "Liz, I really think you need to go to the police. They sounded like you were in serious trouble," Bob insisted.

  "She is in no need of your advice," Vince shot back.

  Bob stood again, placed his palms on the table, and leaned over to glare at Vince. "I think you need to leave, mister."

  Vince's reply was to lean over and sock Bob in the jaw. Though my partner was mortal, he hadn't quite lost his skill in knowing where to hit someone. Bob's head whipped to the side and he slumped backward onto the cushions.

  I grabbed Vince and tugged him from the booth. "Time to go!" I yelped.

  We sprinted through the tables and past the front desk where our bill was still being rung up. "Signorina, your bill!" our waiter cried out.

  I tossed the roll of bills onto the counter. "Keep the change!" I told them.

  We burst onto the street and to our waiting car. Through the window I could see the discovery of the assault and our waiter called one of his coworkers to his side. He happened to glance out the window and point at us. Whatever he wanted I wanted no part of it and shoved Vince into the passenger seat. I took my seat behind the wheel and started the engine just as one of the waiters rushed through the front doors.

  "Stop!" he cried out. "Stop!"

  I could later use the defense that he said 'stomp' as I stomped my foot on the gas pedal. We swerved into traffic and down the road as the distant sounds of police sirens came to my ears. If they found us there'd be no vampire Vince to speed us out of trouble. Hell, there was barely a human Vince. The man by my side sat hunched over and cradled the fist he'd used on poor Bob.

  "This is a fine mess you've gotten us into now," I scolded him.

  "Are all human jaws so hard?" he asked me. The throbbing pain from his hand had knocked him out of his insobriety.

  "Yes, so don't do it again." I glanced in the rear view mirror and noticed flashing lights. Close at hand was a darkened alleyway, and I turned our very recognizable car into the narrow space and shut off the lights and engine. A few police cars drove past in a hurry, and when their sirens faded in the distance I allowed myself to slump down in my seat. "That was too close." I didn't receive a response from my partner, so I tilted my head toward him. He still cradled his hand and I noticed there was blood on the knuckles. I sat up and scooted over to him for a closer look. Yep, the skin of his knuckles was broken open and thin red lines flowed over his bones. "Wow, Bob really does have a hard head," I commented. I noticed Vince's hands shook, and when I looked at his face it was pale and his lips were tightly pursed. "You okay, Vince?"

  "How do I get it to stop?" he whispered.

  "Get what to stop?"

  "The bleeding." He lifted his eyes and I saw he was frightened. "Are all human bodies this frail?"

  I sighed and patted him on the shoulder.
"Not all of them, but yours is a little out of practice with being a human. I think we've had enough fun for tonight, so we'll just get you home and get that bandaged." I scooted back into my seat, but paused and glanced at my partner. "What made you so mad at Bob, anyway?"

  Vince scowled and turned away. "Nothing," he mumbled.

  I sighed, started the car, and away we went.

  Chapter 7

  We puttered our way back to our apartment building and I helped the visibly shaken Vince up the stairs to our home. It was a cold, drafty home when we entered, and I settled him on the couch in front of his coffin bed while I filled a glass with water. I returned to him, plopped myself down beside him and offered him the water. Vince shook his head.

  "It'll help with the hangover to have some water in you," I insisted. Vince pursed his lips, but took the glass and downed the small contents in one gulp. I turned my attention to the coffin. "So you think you can sleep in that?" I asked him.

  He set the glass on the top of the coffin and shook his head. "This body will suffocate in such confines for so long."

  "So do you want the-" I bounced a little on the couch and winced when a spring jabbed me in the rear. "Or maybe we could try the bed. I could always sleep on the floor if there's enough blankets."

  Vince sighed and turned away from me. "Very well."

  That was the firmest response he'd given me all night, so I left Vince on the couch and readied the bed for its new occupant. There wasn't much to prepare, really. Just a few fluffs of the dingy pillows and an airing of the holy sheets for the formerly unholy creature. There was just enough spare sheets around the room for me to cobble together a bed on the floor for me. I wouldn't be comfortable, but I'd be warm. I hadn't realized how chilly and drafty the apartment was until my vampire-ness was removed. Now I found it was so cold that I could hardly keep from shivering.

  In a few minutes I stuck my head out and glanced across the room at Vince. He hadn't moved an inch. "All right, bedtime!" I cheerfully called out. Vince slowly rose to his feet and shuffled past me and into the bedroom. He lay himself down atop the sheets. "You might want to get under the covers," I suggested. He ignored me and remained as he was.

  I shrugged and slipped into my own bundle of blankets. After a long, harrowing night if mishaps and mayhem I was exhausted and fell into a dreamy sleep. I hadn't had any of those since getting stuck to Vince. This one had me riding a ferris wheel where all the joints were squeaking and the operator was that incompetent witch. She tilted her head back and cackled as she pulled the lever to make the machine go faster and louder. There was no way to get off. The noise grew louder. I clapped my hands over my ears.

  My eyes opened and I shot up. The room was dark. Through the darkness I could still hear that damn squeaking noise. I cleaned out my ears, but found the source of the problem lay with the bed beside me. Or rather, it lay on the bed. Vince. I crawled on my knees to the side of the bed and looked over the covers.

  Vince lay in the same spot I remembered, but he was huddled into himself and shivered so hard the rusted bed shook and rattled. I crawled onto the bed and over to him, and gave his shoulder a good shake. "Vince? You okay?"

  "I-I am fine," he chattered.

  "It's been a long time since you were cold, isn't it?" I mused.

  "The c-cold does n-not bother me," he insisted.

  "Uh-huh. You need to get under the covers," I ordered him. I slipped my arms under his own and pulled him against the wall at the head of the bed. A hint of faint light lit up the room. I glanced at the covered window and my eyes widened as I was hit by a wonderful idea. "On second thought, let's do one last fun thing before we go to bed," I suggested.

  "I-I am in n-no mood," Vince replied.

  "Oh, come on. It'll be fun." I slipped a blanket over his shoulders and hefted him off the bed. Vince didn't fight, but he didn't help much.

  We shuffled our way out the room, out of the apartment, and up the rickety steps until they stopped at a door. This was the door to the roof, and I shoved it open and guided Vince onto the flat, rectangular space. Our apartment building wasn't any taller than its neighboring structures, but it wasn't any shorter so we could see across the roof jungle to the far-off lights of the bustling parts of the metropolis. I led Vince to the eastern ledge of the roof and plopped us down atop some broken pigeon crates.

  Vince glanced around the roof and scowled at me. "W-why are w-we here?" he questioned me.

  I nodded at a sky in front of us. "To watch this." Vince followed my gaze. We faced the eastern sky, and in a moment it brightened with the coming of the dawn. Vince's eyes widened and he jumped to his feet. I snorted and pulled him back down. "You're not a vampire anymore, remember? It won't hurt you."

  "I would rather not try," he insisted.

  Too late. The light of the rising sun crested the city and swept over us. The sun covered everything in its warm, glowing brilliance, and a faint dew sparkled against the light. Vince cringed and covered himself with his blanket. My eyes sparkled with the beautiful, warm light. I turned to my partner and snorted at the ghost beside me. Not a hint of smoke arose from beneath the sheet. I grabbed the blanket and yanked it from him. His eyes were shut tight and he was formed into a ball on the crate. "You're not burning up, so quit being so dramatic," I ordered him.

  Vince cautiously opened his eyes. He turned them eastward and beheld the bright, glowing day star. His blue eyes widened and his mouth dropped slightly open. He stood and stumbled over to the two-foot tall ledge that surrounded the rooftop. Vince placed his hands on the wide ledge and leaned over the sixty-foot drop.

  I followed him and couldn't help smiling at his expression of awe. "My god," I heard him whisper.

  "Not bad, huh? Bet it's been a long time since you saw one of these without getting scorched," I replied.

  "A very long time," he agreed.

  I smiled and turned my gaze on the bright sun. I closed my eyes and opened wide my arms to take in the warmth. The sun enveloped me in its soothing embrace, and I sighed. "I really missed this," I whispered.

  "Thank you."

  My eyes snapped open and I looked to my partner. He stared straight ahead with his lips pursed together. "Did you. . .did you say something?" I asked him.

  Vince straightened and coughed. "Thank you for showing me this view. It was. . .nice."

  I smiled and flung the blanket over his shoulders. "No problem. Now let's get you back to bed before you catch your death of cold."

  We shuffled our way back to our apartment and I tucked Vince into bed. His skin was still cool to the touch, but he'd stopped shivering. I took my place on the floor, but in a minute I heard the familiar squeak of the bed, and I lifted my head to look at my mummified partner. "Still can't get warm?" I asked him.

  "It s-seems not," he answered.

  I glanced around the wrecked, drafty room and sighed. "Yeah, this place is pretty cold. I guess there's only one thing left to do."

  Vince lifted his head and glanced over his shoulder when I climbed onto the bed with my entourage of blankets. "What are y-you doing?" he questioned me.

  "If your body heat isn't working for you then you need another body," I told him. I slipped myself beneath the covers and slid toward him.

  Vince's eyes widened and he tried to escape me, but he already lay at the edge of the bed. "I-I have no need of-"

  "Bullshit, now just lay still and behave." I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him toward me. He twisted and turned his back to me, and his hands caught the edge of the bed, so I scooted until my chest lay against his back. "See? Is that so bad?"

  Vince lay as stiff as a board-well, one that quivered-and I could practically hear his teeth grind together. "Please release me," he commanded.

  "Nope," I replied, and snuggled closer. Secretly I was grateful for his warmth as I, too, was a little bothered by the cold of the room.

  "Human, release me at once," he demanded.

  "You're a human now, too, so just
relax and get some sleep." I closed my eyes and burrowed my face into his long back. He shuddered one last time, but the shivers didn't return. His body was so warm and I was so tired that my voice drifted into a sleepy whisper. "See? This isn't so bad."

  I drifted into a beautiful, peaceful human sleep.

  Chapter 8

  Old habits are hard to break, and we slept most of the day away. It wasn't until about three that I awoke from my slumber. I didn't bother to open my eyes before I stretched. Or rather, before I tried to stretch. Something had my arms pinned to my sides and both my legs pinned beneath it. I opened my eyes and was met with a view of a white shirt. The things wrapped around my legs were Vince's legs, and his arms were wrapped around me. He held me in his strong, warm embrace as we both lay face-to-face.

  I blushed and squirmed. My movements didn't awaken him. He slept like his former undead self. I pressed my hands against his chest and tried to push us apart, but he'd found his male human strength and wouldn't let go. "Vince," I spoke up. "Vince, let me go. I have to go to the bathroom." I glanced up into his face and my eyes caught on something strange that hadn't been there the day before. "Vince! Vince, wake up!"

  Vince's eyes shot open and he bolted upright. He turned his head this way and that, and in the light of the weak sun through the covered windows I caught my first good glimpse of him. He had wrinkles beneath his eyes and along his chin, and there were streaks of silver hair along his temples. The veins on his hands stood out among his wrinkled flesh and dark spots covered the back of his palms. "What is the matter?" he asked me.

  I sat up and nodded at his face. "Vince, you're old," I told him.

  He scowled at me. "I am well aware of my age."

  "No, your face is all wrinkly," I rephrased.

  Vince frowned, threw off the blankets, and hurried out of the room. I followed him to the bathroom, the only place in the apartment with mirrors. He stared into the mirrors, but the room was too dark to see anything but a dark reflection, so I flicked on the light. Vince started back and his eyes widened. He leaned forward and, with a shaking hand, reached up and touched the wrinkles and gray hairs.