Sweet Dandelion

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “When will you leave?”

  “A few days after graduation. Once I have access to the money.”

  “I’ll give you money, Weed.”

  “I don’t need your money. Save it.”

  He makes a noise in his throat.

  “You won’t hate me for leaving, right?” My voice sounds so small.

  He chuckles. “You serious?” He raises a brow, looking surprised. When I nod, he says, “I could never hate you. You’re my little sister.”

  “I’ve put you through hell.”

  Not just in the last couple of months, but nearly the last two years.

  He sets his plate down on the coffee table, swiveling his body on the couch so he’s facing me. “You know, this hasn’t been easy. Losing dad, then mom, and being told I’m your guardian … it was terrifying. Not because I didn’t want to take care of you, but because I didn’t want to fuck things up. Things have happened this year that I’m not happy about.” I wince, looking at my lap. “I feel like I’ve failed you, our parents, but look, it’s happened. We can’t change it. And I’ve acted like an asshole a lot through this because I didn’t know what I was doing. I’ve always been your cool big brother and suddenly…” He pauses, shrugging. “Suddenly I was in charge, making decisions I didn’t want to make. But I also found a lot of strength through you.”

  “Me?” I blurt incredulously, pointing a finger into my chest.

  “Yes, you. I watched you persevere through physical therapy, how you fought to walk again, how you refused to let what happened rob you of your freedom, happiness, of life. You kept going even when you didn’t want to. You gave me the power to keep going too. I said to myself one day, if Dani can do this, then you can too.” He rubs his hand over his mouth. “I couldn’t ask for a better sister than you, and I’m so fucking proud of the woman you’ve become.”

  “Don’t make me cry.”

  But it’s too late, the tears come, coating my cheeks.

  “Get over here, Weed.” He wraps his arms around me, hugging me against his warm, solid chest. I hold onto him. Sage is my rock, the constant I can always count on. He’s the best sibling I could ever ask for. He kisses the top of my head, murmuring, “I want you to be happy.”

  “I was happy,” I croak, my sniffles loud in the otherwise quiet apartment.

  “With him?” His body stiffens as he asks the question.

  “Yes, but he left. I’m so angry,” my voice cracks, “he left me. Like mom and dad left us—only they didn’t choose to leave and he did.”

  “If I ever see him I’m going to kill him,” Sage vows. “He should’ve never touched you. Is he the reason you want to leave so badly?”

  I shake my head. “I mean, I guess he’s part of it, but not entirely. I’ve always wanted to travel, you know that, and since I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore I haven’t really figured out what I do want to do with my future. Traveling seems like a good way to figure it out.”

  Sage lets loose a breath, stirring the hair on top of my head. “I wanted you to go to college, D, but I’m also proud of you for being true to yourself.”

  “I might go to college one day, but not yet. I need time.”

  “Okay.”

  I close my eyes, hugging my brother tighter. “I love you, Herb. Thank you for understanding.”

  “Love you, too, Weed. Love you, too. Everything’s going to be okay. Not today, but one day.”

  I know.

  Chapter Sixty-Six

  Me: I’m graduating today.

  Me: Do you even remember?

  Me: Do you care at all?

  Me: You probably don’t even read these, but I keep sending them.

  Me: For me, not you.

  Me: I’m still mad at you. So fucking mad at you.

  Me: But I can’t stop loving you, even though I hate you.

  Me: I’m leaving in a few days. Will you even notice the absence of my presence?

  Me: You might not even be in Utah anymore.

  Me: One day, all of this won’t hurt so bad, but as long as it hurts I know it was real.

  Me: I hate you. But I love you.

  I close out of his contact, knowing I have to go. Grabbing the red cap and gown, I head for the door, calling for Sage.

  “I’m ready! Let’s go!”

  He runs down the hall. “Does this look okay?”

  “You look fine,” I insist, taking in his slacks and shirt combo. “We need to hurry, though. We should’ve left ten minutes ago.”

  He swipes his keys off the counter and I grab my purse before we hurry down to the garage and out into the busy traffic.

  As we near the school my heart speeds up.

  I’m graduating.

  Mom, I did it.

  After the shooting and all the months in the hospital I didn’t want to finish school, or at least only get my GED, but Sage had insisted I complete my senior year and I’m glad he pushed me to do it.

  Walking across that stage and getting my diploma will make it worth it.

  The school parking lot is packed, so Sage drops me off so he can go park.

  After a few texts I meet up with Sasha.

  “Ugh, there you are, girl.” She throws her arm around my shoulder, swaying back and forth. “Can you believe it? We did it!” A few heads turn at her shrill shriek. “We’re like adult-adults now. Actual members of society. Shit, does this mean we have to pay taxes now?”

  I laugh, shaking my head as I spot Ansel a ways down talking to Seth.

  Something inside me stirs when I see him. It’s nothing like what I feel for Lachlan, even still, but I do know it means I’m happy to see him.

  Sasha and I head over to the boys, Ansel’s hair is curling out from under his cap. Stretching up, I kiss his cheek and he grins.

  “What was that for?”

  “Because I wanted to.”

  “Bleh,” Sasha pretends to gag. “Get a room.”

  I roll my eyes at her.

  Suddenly, three teachers appear, rounding us up into alphabetical order. We practiced yesterday, so I already know the classmates I should be near and go in search of them to speed up the process.

  Once we’re in line, they go over a few rules and things that have already been mentioned, and then it’s time.

  They lead us outside onto the football field, the June sun beating down on us, but I revel in the warmth. It’s like a blanket, draping over my shoulders and comforting me, reminding me that no matter what it’s going to be okay.

  Row after row of chairs are filled and once every student is seated, the speeches begin. It takes a solid hour before Mr. Gordon begins calling out names.

  When Ansel’s name is called, I cheer, along with his family in the stands.

  Soon it’s my turn, as the row I sit in stands, heading for the stage.

  Tears prick my eyes and I do my best to keep my emotions in check.

  Looking up at the sky, I say a silent prayer, hoping my mom’s watching and smiling down at me. I want her to be proud of me, even if I haven’t made some of the best choices this year, though I can’t bring myself to regret them.

  “Dandelion Meadows.”

  Sage screams from the stands, standing up and clapping his hands. “That’s my sister!”

  My cheeks flame with embarrassment. Mr. Gordon hands me my diploma with a proud smile. “Good luck, kiddo.”

  “Thank you,” I whisper to the kind man.

  Stepping off the stage, the school board official who is waiting smiles and says congratulations, moving my tassel to the other side.

  Striding to the grass I return to my seat, remaining standing until the row is filled back in and we can sit down once more.

  I watch Seth and Sasha get their diplomas, cheering for both even though Seth looks like he couldn’t care less. Sasha skips across the stage, a wild ball of energy. I can’t help but laugh. She’s crazy, but I love that girl.

  As soon as everyone’s seated, Mr. Gordon says a few more words, and t
hen the next thing I know we’re tossing our caps in the air.

  I did it. I fucking did it.

  At the beginning of the school year I was so unhappy and miserable. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to exist. But I fucking did it.

  I scoop my cap up and rush over to my friends, the four of us falling into a pile in the grass, full of laughter.

  No one says anything for a moment and then it’s Seth who speaks.

  “Shit’s about to get real.”

  He’s not wrong.

  The real world awaits.

  Chapter Sixty-Seven

  “We really didn’t have to come anywhere fancy,” I tell Sage for the hundredth time. “This is silly.”

  I look around the extremely nice restaurant he chose to bring me to in celebration.

  “I know, but I wanted to. You only graduate from high school once.”

  “Well, thank you, this is thoughtful.” I peruse the menu, noting the expense of the dishes and wondering if I could get away with ordering a kids grilled cheese—even that’s over twenty dollars and boasts exotic sounding cheeses, sun-dried tomatoes, and something else that doesn’t sound at all palatable to a kid.

  I end up settling on a ravioli dish and Sage orders a steak.

  “I’m really proud of you, D.” He crosses his fingers, laying them on the table. “You’ve worked hard this year.”

  I look away, his praise making me feel bad because I know with all the other things that went on this year he really shouldn’t be proud.

  “Don’t look away,” he coaxes me to face him, “despite everything else, I am proud of you. I wouldn’t lie. You’re a smart girl and you’re going to do big things. What happened with him doesn’t rob you of your achievements.”

  Something about his words pisses me off, but I bite my tongue because the last thing I want to do is get in a useless fight. There’s no point in trying to explain to him that Lachlan didn’t steal anything from me, I gave it all freely.

  While still waiting for our orders we chat about my upcoming plans to leave.

  “I figure I’ll buy a plane ticket tonight for somewhere in Europe. I don’t really care. I want to see it all.”

  “Are you sure you want to go globe-trotting all by yourself? It’s not exactly safe.”

  I won’t lie, that bit makes me nervous, but if we don’t step out of our comfort zone how will we ever live.

  “I’ll be fine.” I dismiss his words, refusing to dwell on them.

  “How long do you think you’ll be gone?” He tries to sound unbothered, but I know he’s hoping I won’t stay gone long.

  I give a shrug, picking up my water glass and shooting a smile at the waiter when he places our dishes on the table. “I’m not sure. A few months.”

  He chokes on the wine he ordered, sputtering. “Months?”

  “This is a once in a lifetime trip,” I argue. “I want to make the most of it. Besides, if I go to college after I don’t plan to start until the fall.”

  “You could enroll in a spring semester.”

  “I could, but I don’t want to. I need time.”

  He cracks a smile. “Well, I tried.”

  We eat our meal, changing the topic of conversation. After a while, the waiter clears our plates from the table, placing a dessert menu before he goes.

  “Pick something,” Sage encourages. “Tonight is a celebration.”

  “I’m full.” I press a hand to my stomach. “I don’t think I could take another bite.”

  “Come on,” he encourages. “I’ll get one too.”

  With a sigh, I reach for the menu, scanning the desserts. Once I pick one I give it to Sage so he can choose too. When the waiter returns we place our orders for a chocolate cake for him and a tiramisu for me.

  It isn’t long before the desserts are placed in front of us and even though I’m full my mouth waters at the sight.

  Before I can take a bite, Sage pulls an envelope out of his pocket, sliding it across the table.

  “What’s this for?” I pick up the long white envelope, testing the weight in my hands.

  “It’s your graduation gift.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal, clearing his throat. “Open it.”

  I smile, secretly delighted by the prospect of a gift. I open it, my mouth parting when the plane ticket slides out. I read over it, seeing that it departs in two days for London.

  I look from the ticket to my brother with shock. “Sage.”

  He leans over the table. “I might not want you to go, but I understand, and I want you to know I support you. You can start your adventure there and then go wherever you want.”

  “Thank you.” I grasp the ticket tightly, this tiny piece of paper holding all the promise of adventure and discovery.

  “Spread your wings, Weed, that way you can come back and lay down some roots.”

  I get up, moving around the table to hug my brother. I inhale his familiar and comforting scent. The smell of home. Somehow, I know, that everything is going to be okay.

  Packing my bags is surreal.

  I’m really doing this. I’m leaving for I don’t know how long.

  I fold my clothes as small as I possibly can, not wanting to take up too much room. My t-shirts slide neatly into one side of the suitcase, all rolled up tightly. Next I add in the three pairs of jeans and two shorts I decided to bring as well as one dress. I stuff three shoe options on the other end, leaving room for underwear and toiletries. I pick up my clear toiletry bag I packed after my shower, setting it inside gently. Turning to my dresser, I go to grab a handful of underwear, my breath catching when I spot the letter I stuffed beneath at the beginning of May when Lachlan left me.

  A month, more than a month actually, since he left.

  Anger rages through me once more and I grab the letter, throwing it in my waste bin.

  As soon as it lands inside though a wave of instant regret hits me.

  Heart racing I pick it out, holding it between my hands. I bite my lip, debating on putting it back in my dresser or … or I could read it, but I’m not ready. I’m not ready to read his words of regret over what we did. I don’t want to have him tell me he doesn’t love me. I hesitate a moment longer and end up stuffing the letter into my luggage, afraid if I leave it behind Sage might find it, but that’s an excuse. I know Sage would never go through my drawers.

  With the letter tucked away I add my underwear and bras inside before zipping it closed.

  I wheel it to the door so it’s ready to go when Sage drops me off at the airport. Sage watches from the couch, unable to hide the sadness from his eyes.

  I hate leaving him, but I need to do this, and I’m glad he understands that.

  “You’re really leaving me?”

  I push my hair out of my eyes where it’s come loose from the braid I put it in earlier. “Yeah, I guess I am.” I plop onto the couch beside him. “Gonna miss me, big bro?”

  “More than you know.”

  I reach for his hand, squeezing it. “I’m going to miss you.”

  “You have to go,” he says, tears filling his eyes. “I don’t want you to, but I know you have to. You’re going to come back so much stronger.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I know so.”

  I laugh, releasing his hand and looking at the TV screen. “Twilight?” I arch a brow.

  “It was on TV,” he defends. “Besides, it makes me think of you.”

  I lay my head on his shoulder. “You really do miss me and I’m not even gone.”

  He lays his head over mine. “Yeah, I do. You’re all I have left in this world that matters.”

  “Maybe you’ll meet a girl while I’m gone. Fall in love.”

  He snorts, watching the TV screen. “I doubt it, Weed.”

  “Hey, you never know.”

  He ruffles my hair. “Nice try, but I’m not looking for anyone right now.”

  “I wasn’t looking for Lachlan,” I whisper and he flinches at the name. “But I found hi
m anyway. You don’t look for love. Love finds you.”

  He turns his head in my direction, rubbing his lips together. “Please, don’t say his name around me. It pisses me off.”

  “I’m still mad too—but being angry doesn’t change the fact that I love him.”

  “And you still do, don’t you?”

  “I love him as much as I hate him.” I pick at a piece of lint on my cotton shorts.

  “He should be in jail,” he growls.

  “I’m an adult.”

  “You were his student,” he hisses. “Do you not understand how morally wrong that is?”

  I loosen a breath. “Well, he’s gone now.”

  “Yeah, thank fuck.”

  When Sage gets up and grabs a beer, I know the conversation is over.

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  Sage hauls my suitcase out of the trunk of his car, pulling up the handle.

  “Well, this is it.” He stares at me, memorizing my features like he’s afraid he’ll never see me again.

  “I’ll be back.”

  “But when?” I know he wants me to give him a definitive answer, but I can’t.

  “I don’t know.” I slip my backpack onto my shoulders. He sighs, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I’m going to miss you, Herb.”

  “Not as much as I’ll miss you, Weed.”

  “Don’t make me cry,” I warn, throwing my arms around him.

  He pulls his hands from his jeans, hugging me back. “Be safe. Call me when you land in New York for your layover.”

  “I will. Promise.” I hold my pinky out to him, trying to hide my pain because it’s not Lachlan I’m making a pinky promise with.

  “You better hurry. TSA will be a pain in the ass.” He kisses my cheek and takes a step back. “Seriously, be safe.”

  “I will.” I take my suitcase, heading toward the doors. Looking back, I see him slip in the car.

  He lifts his hand in a wave and I wave back before he pulls away. I watch his car join the fray of others leaving the airport.

  I look at the building and smile.

  This is it.

  Heading into the building, I make it through security faster than I expect and head to the terminal to wait for my plane to board in an hour.