Sweet Dandelion

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “It’s not Lachlan’s fault,” I sniffle, slowly rising from my position on the floor.

  “Lachlan.” He shakes his head. “You call him by his first name? He’s Mr. Taylor, Dandelion! Mr. Taylor. Say it with me. He’s your fucking guidance counselor, not your … your … your fuck buddy or whatever!” He flings his hand through the air and I wince, his words slicing through me. The veins in his forehead stick out and he looks seconds away from combusting. Suddenly, he pales, his eyes narrowing. “There is no friend in this building named Taylor is there? It’s him? You’ve been seeing him all this time and I was too fucking stupid to see!”

  My face crumples and he has his answer.

  “Fuck!” he shouts, punching the wall. It leaves behind a gaping hole and when he pulls his hand away it’s covered in drywall debris and blood. “I’m going to kill that man,” he points at me, jaw tight, “I will make him regret ever laying a finger on you.”

  “I’m nineteen! I’m an adult! I can do what I want!”

  “No, Dandelion, you’re an emotionally stunted child! You were shot, your friends were killed, you watched our mom die right in front of you. He took advantage of you and nothing you say can convince me otherwise.”

  “I love him and he loves me,” I try to keep my tone even, but there’s a warble to it, because I have no idea where he is.

  Sage works his jaw back and forth. “Yeah? Well, where is he?” He spreads his arms wide. “Because I don’t see him coming to your rescue.” He waits for me to say something and when I don’t, he screams, “Where is he?” When I still don’t answer, he finishes, “He’s nowhere, because you don’t fucking matter to him.”

  He stares at me a moment longer and then storms from the bathroom. Seconds later the door slams behind him.

  I fall to the ground crying again.

  I gave him everything, but he gave me nothing.

  I jolt awake from where I sleep on the couch waiting for Sage.

  There’s knocking on the door and the sound of voices. Blinking open my eyes I look at the time on my phone and see it’s after two in the morning.

  Sighing, I push my tired body up and head to the door, peeping out. I see someone I don’t recognize, around maybe thirty with blond hair, but Sage is slouched against the guy, so I open the door.

  “Hi, you must be Dani?” The guy asks and I nod. “I’m Graham.” He holds out a hand but quickly pulls it back in when my brother starts to fall to the floor. “I’m a friend of Sage’s. He’s drunk off his ass, and I was going to bring him back to my place, but he insisted he had to get home.”

  I push the door open wider. “What can I do to help you with him?”

  “Hold the door. I can handle him.”

  Sage’s alcohol-hazed eyes meet mine. He still looks angry, but also sad.

  Graham carries him over to the couch, depositing him on it. “Is he good here?”

  “It’s fine.” I wave a dismissive hand.

  “I can stay if you need help with him?” he offers.

  I shake my head, still holding the door open. “I can handle him.”

  Graham walks over to me and whispers under his breath, “I’m not sure what he’s upset about, but he was already well on his way to drunk by the time I got to the bar and kept going, even when I told him to stop. Try and get some water in him and some Aspirin.”

  “Okay, thanks for bringing him home.”

  Graham tips his head in acknowledgment and heads out.

  Turning around, I prepare to face more of Sage’s wrath but instead I find him halfway asleep.

  I pour him a glass of water, making sure it’s not too cold so it’ll be easier for him to get down. Once I have two Aspirins from the bathroom, I crouch down beside him and force him to take them, as well as down the whole glass of water. Lying on his side, he blinks his hazel eyes at me.

  “I’m so sorry I’ve failed you.”

  I gasp. “Sage, you could never fail me.”

  He rubs a piece of my hair between his fingers. “Why did Mom think I could take care of you? I’m a horrible guardian. You would’ve been better off with anyone else.”

  I grab his hand, holding it in mine. “That’s not true and you know it. Herb, we have to stick together. It’s always been you and me, right? We can’t change that now. You’re the best brother I could ask for.”

  “What happened with him? The Taylor guy?”

  “Do you really want to know?” Treacherous tears flood my eyes again.

  “No, but I need to.” He clears his throat and reaches for the glass but it’s empty. I quickly refill it and pass it to him, settling back on the floor in front of the couch. “Tell me.”

  “I don’t know,” I let out a sigh. “Seeing him every day really helped me and we connected. It was completely innocent for a long time. I mean, I had a crush on him but that was it. It wasn’t like I was planning to act on it. But … we kept being drawn together. No one has ever made me feel the way he does and we … fell in love. I might be young, but I know love, and there’s no denying that’s what we have … or had.” I look away, anger hitting me in the chest once again.

  Sage rubs his mouth. “You need to tell the principal.”

  “No,” I hiss out. “Regardless of everything I will not ruin Lachlan’s life that way. He didn’t pursue me or pressure me into anything, please believe that. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

  He holds a hand to his head. I’m sure it’s pounding. He reeks of alcohol and cigarettes. “We’ll talk in the morning,” he mutters. “I have a headache.”

  “Okay.” I kiss his cheek, grab the blanket and drape it over his body.

  By the time I turn the light off, he’s asleep.

  I spread out the breakfast I picked up as Sage finally comes out of his room, freshly showered and smelling much better. He still doesn’t look the best, but it’s progress. He’s probably still going to feel it come tomorrow.

  Sage sits down at the bar and I pour each of us a glass of orange juice.

  Sage takes several gulps of OJ, looking at the avocado toast and eggs I got from the restaurant in the building.

  “This looks good.” His voice is crackly and he winces, rubbing his eyes.

  “It’s because I didn’t make it,” I joke, giving him a soft smile.

  My lower lip begins to tremble as I look at him. I knew if he ever found out about Lachlan and me it would hurt him, but I didn’t realize how badly it would make me feel. I don’t like breaking my brother’s heart. I don’t want him to look at me any differently.

  “Hey,” he says softly, pinching my lip lightly. “No crying.”

  I try to smile but the tears come, spilling over.

  He gathers me in his arms, resting his chin on top of my head. He rubs one hand gently on my back, blowing out a breath.

  “We can go to the cops today.”

  I stiffen in his arms, shoving him away. “I’m not going to the cops.”

  He looks at me horrified. “Dani—this man took advantage of you. He deserves to be in jail.”

  I shake my head. “Don’t do this. You don’t know anything about the situation.”

  He narrows his eyes on me. “Did you have sex with him?” I’m silent. “Then I know all I need to.”

  Anger surges through my veins. “No, you don’t know! I’m a good person, I’ve always been pretty level-headed, and I’m nineteen. You should know me well enough to know I wouldn’t be coerced into something I didn’t want to do. Lachlan and I…” I close my eyes, breathing out. “We struggled, okay, especially him because of his position, but the feelings happened and I don’t regret them or him. Falling in love with him reminded me how good it is to be alive. He saved me. Can’t you see that?”

  My brother looks like I’ve punched him in the chest.

  “I’m supposed to protect you.”

  “And you do. But love is love. I need you to be on my side of this. School’s almost over and I promise you Lachlan didn’t do anything to me that I didn�
�t want. I…” I look down at my nude colored nails, still painted for prom. “Lachlan is a good man, and even though I’m so fucking angry at him right now, I still love him.”

  “He’s gone, D,” he whispers. “He left you to deal with this fallout. Look what the kids at school are saying.”

  “I know.” I wipe tears from my cheeks. “But I’m not vindictive and I won’t ruin his life because he’s broken my heart.”

  Sage opens his mouth to say more, but I get up and walk to my room. I need to be by myself right now.

  Wrapping my arms around myself, I look out the window in my bedroom to the street below, all the tiny heads of the people moving from one place to the next.

  Somewhere, out there, is Lachlan.

  He could be down the street, or a county away, he could also be a state away, or a whole country.

  I don’t know.

  Reaching up, I touch the wind chimes. They brush against each other, making music.

  “I wish you were here, Mom.”

  If I pretend hard enough, I can make out her voice saying, I wish I was too.

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  The painting in front of me is abstract. A random swirl of black, red, and purple on white. But I see nothing. My heart and mind are too empty to see any kind of image in the madness.

  A body steps up beside mine. Tall, warm, familiar.

  But still not the person I want.

  “What are you doing here?” I whisper.

  Ansel rocks back on his heels, appraising the painting. “I called your brother, said I needed to see you, but he said you left a couple of hours ago for the library. I checked the one near your apartment but you weren’t there. Then I went to Watchtower, and when you weren’t there either, I knew this is where you’d been all along. I was right.”

  I shake my head, biting my lip. I hold my arms around myself, so close to breaking down.

  It’s been another week since Lachlan left and another whole school week of Ansel ignoring me, which has made it all that much worse not having my best friend. Sasha has tried to get me to talk, but she’s a blabbermouth, so I refuse to say anything. The rumors still circulate in the school halls, growing worse instead of lessening. My new favorite is that Lachlan runs an underground sex ring and my job is to lure in unsuspecting teens. God, what a load of shit. Mr. Gordon had to hold an emergency assembly the rumors got so bad. A letter even went home to parents after calls and emails started rolling in over concerns.

  I hate this.

  It’s Sunday and I’m already dreading going back tomorrow.

  So close to the end of the year, Mr. Gordon hasn’t bothered hiring a new guidance counselor so I spend my every day period either at the outdoor track, now that it’s so warm, or in the library.

  I’ve sent a few more angry texts to Lachlan. They show delivered but he never reads them. He probably has me blocked, but I keep sending them because I need to get it off my chest.

  “It’s true isn’t it?” Ansel breaks the silence. “Well, not all of it, I don’t think you’re smuggling Mr. Taylor’s sperm in and out of the country, but … you … you had a relationship with him didn’t you?”

  I tilt my head back as the treacherous sting of tears returns. I give him a single nod and he exhales.

  “Fuck.” He rubs his jaw.

  “I’m sorry,” I croak.

  “Why are you apologizing to me?” he blurts in surprise.

  I look at him at my side. “Because I hurt you. Because I continue to hurt you. You’re my best friend and I treat you like shit.”

  “No, you don’t, Meadows.”

  “I do.” I nod, sniffling back the tears I don’t want to fall. My eyes hurt so bad every day from all the tears.

  He grabs my hand, entwining our fingers together.

  “I shouldn’t have ditched you at prom.” My voice cracks and I wipe at the wetness beneath my eyes.

  “Did you ditch me for him?”

  My lips shake and I look at the ground, toeing my shoe against the gray tile. “Y-Yeah.” I reluctantly meet his gaze again. “See, I told you, I’m horrible. I’m a shitty friend. You should get a new one.”

  He squeezes my hand. “Nah, I like my Meadows just fine. I’m keeping you.”

  I laugh, but it cracks with my tears turning into sobs instead.

  “Come here, pretty girl.” He wraps his arms around me, securing me and protecting me against his chest. His body is warm and he tucks my head under his neck so he can rest his chin on top. It feels good to be held by him. It feels like the hug of a friend, of someone who cares and wants to make it better.

  My fingers tighten around him, not wanting to let go. “I love you,” I murmur, and I realize how true the words are.

  I love Ansel so much. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for, and to think when I got here I didn’t want any. But I needed him, and I think on a subconscious level I knew that even when I didn’t want to believe it.

  Ansel rocks me back and forth in his arms. “Love you too, Meadows.” His lips press softly against the side of my head. He grabs my cheeks, looking into my eyes. “Don’t let this break you.”

  I smile through my tears. “Never.”

  Another weekend passes, graduation fast approaching. I’m still mad at Lachlan, madder than I think I’ve ever been at a person before. He won’t reply to me and I refuse to read his letter. But with him gone, it’s forcing me to do some soul searching.

  “Can you explain what you’re doing?” Ansel asks, helping me move my desk out of the way so I have the whole wall to work with.

  “Making this place mine.”

  He eyes the black paint I bought.

  “By painting the wall black?”

  “I’m not painting the whole wall.”

  He narrows his eyes. “What are you up to, Meadows?”

  “Nothing,” I sing-song, reaching for the grape Fanta beside my bed. I take a sip and grab the gallon of paint. I don’t think I’ll use a whole gallon, but I figure if I have to retouch it at all, at least I won’t have to worry about buying more.

  I turn my music on, Fortress by Lennon Stella filling the space.

  Sage pokes his head in as Ansel sits his butt on my bed. Ansel shoots to a standing position like he’s been caught stealing. Or in his case more likely selling drugs. Sage’s eyes move to him and he shakes his head.

  “What do you want?” I ask Sage, pouring out the paint.

  “Nothing,” he watches the black paint fill the tin, “just glad you’re finally making the place yours.”

  Sage leaves and Ansel hesitantly sits back down on my bed, picking up one of the pillows and looking at it before he puts it back.

  I dip the brush into the paint and get to work.

  It takes hours and I climb on and off the ladder so many times I get a hell of a workout in, but at the end it’s all worth it.

  The black lines form a sketchy asymmetrical outline of my face and hair. It’s like the sketches I’ve filled my pad with all school year. Like me, none of them are fully formed; the outline is the potential of what’s to come. It’s the start. The end isn’t here yet.

  “I like it,” Ansel murmurs, stepping up beside me.

  “I do, too.”

  I didn’t want to make myself permanent in this place in any way, but that changes now. I still long to travel, to see the world, be free, but it’s also okay to plant roots—to belong. I haven’t allowed myself to do that. It hurt too much after Portland. Losing people I loved and cared about sent me wandering, I was an unmoored raft drifting through a bleak and lifeless existence.

  Lachlan pulled me back to shore, but it’s me who’s choosing to stay.

  Chapter Sixty-Five

  Pushing the food around my plate, I contemplate the best way to approach this with Sage. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also have to do what’s best for me.

  “Sage?” I finally broach.

  He looks over at me with my legs crossed under my body. I have
n’t been paying a bit of attention to the TV screen.

  “Yeah?” His brow furrows with worry. “What’s going on? You look funny.”

  I reach for my water glass, taking a few sips. Meeting his steady gaze, I blurt, “I’m leaving.”

  He snorts. “What do you mean you’re leaving?”

  “Graduation is in less than two weeks. I’m leaving after.”

  “Leaving?” he repeats. “For where?”

  “I’m not sure where I want to go first, but I know I need to get away. I want to travel, see the world, learn more about myself so I can make a decision on what I want to do with my life.”

  I’ll gain access to the money left to me by my parents after I graduate high school. I know there’s plenty of money for me to travel and live off of, and I’ll still have plenty whenever I come back.

  Sage looks down at his plate. “I don’t want you to go,” he says softly, “but I understand.”

  “I need to do this for me.”

  He grabs my hand, squeezing it. “I’m not happy about it, but I get it. Call me. Don’t forget about me.”

  “Never. You’re my brother.”

  “You’re doing this alone?” I nod. “It’s not safe, D.” He looks concerned.

  “I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl. This is what I need to do. I have to get away from here.”

  “From here or the memory of him?”

  I bite my lip, hesitating. “Both.”

  I know Sage is still livid about my relationship with Lachlan. If Lachlan still lived here I’m not certain he’d be breathing. I guess it’s a good thing, for his safety at least, that he moved.

  A familiar ache fills my chest at the thought of him. I’m still mad, but I’m mostly hurt now.

  Does he think of me as often as I think of him?

  He probably doesn’t. I’m the young, foolish, naïve girl who fell for her older guidance counselor.

  How pathetic.

  I brush my hair over my shoulder, setting my plate aside. I don’t want to eat.