Amelia Fang and the Barbaric Ball

by Laura Ellen Anderson

  “No,” said Tangine, folding his arms. “What if it bursts into flames when I walk in? You have to come in with me.”

  “I’m NOT going to the bathroom with you,” Amelia said.

  Tangine’s cheeks flushed. “DAAAADDYYYYYY!” he called.

  “Oh, fine!” Amelia said quickly. “Stop being so silly!”

  Tangine followed Amelia through the red door. The next thing they knew, they were in a HUGE room with a tiny toilet and a sink in the center. The room was so big that Amelia’s and Tangine’s voices echoed.

  “Hmmm,” Tangine said thoughtfully. “That toilet isn’t shiny enough.”

  After Tangine had used the bathroom—complaining all the while—Amelia led him back to the dining area, where the king was slumped at the head of the table.

  “That’s a very grand chair, Daddy,” said Tangine, pointing at the jewel-encrusted seat.

  “Do you like it?” Countess Frivoleeta beamed. “It was given to me by my father. I only let very special guests use it.”

  King Vladimir gave what looked like a forced smile. “Very nice,” he said quietly.

  “It’s much better than this old thing I’m sitting on,” said Tangine, wriggling around. “I want a chair like that, Daddy.”

  “Fine, son, I’ll get you one,” King Vladimir said distractedly, leaning over to look at Drake’s crossword puzzle.

  “No, Daddy. I want that one,” said Tangine.

  “Oh, I don’t think—” the countess started.

  “Yes, yes, okay, it’s yours,” said the king, hardly seeming to listen to Tangine. “Angel-kittens. That’s the last clue,” he said, tapping the crossword with a pointy fingernail.

  Count Drake’s eyes widened; then he stood up and hugged the king. “Oh, how I have MISSED you, buddy!”

  Amelia couldn’t contain herself any longer. “Mom! King Vladimir just told Tangine he could take YOUR chair! He didn’t even ask…. That’s stealing!”

  “That’s quite enough, Amelia,” Countess Frivoleeta said in an unsteady voice.

  “But, MOM,” Amelia said.

  “I said that’s quite enough!” the countess snapped.

  Wooo floated in with a platter of Curiously Crusty Crabs, Assorted Scabs and Severed Fingers on Sticks.

  “Well, this looks…average,” said Tangine, tucking a napkin into his collar. Then he took the platter from Wooo and placed it in front of himself. “But I’m too hungry to care.” He shrugged and began gobbling down the food.

  The whole table sat in silence while Tangine chomped and slurped, finishing with a thunderous BELCH. The king just sipped at his Sweat Shake.

  “What’s for dessert?” Tangine demanded, clapping his tiny hands together. A piece of scab flew from his mouth and landed on Countess Frivoleeta’s forehead.

  Wooo appeared, carrying a tray of Pus-Filled Pastries. Amelia’s favorite!

  Again, Tangine took the whole tray. But this time Wooo was one step ahead. He disappeared through the wall and reappeared with a bigger tray of pastries, with extra pus filling! Squashy even had his own plateful. Amelia caught Wooo’s eye and smiled. He just winked and kept on serving.

  At the end of the meal, the king gave a long sigh.

  “Well,” he said, “Tangine and I must return to the palace now.”

  “The Great Gothic Gravestone Carve-Off award ceremony is on,” Tangine said.

  “I-haven’t-watched-the-last-episode-so-please-don’t-spoil-it!” Amelia said quickly.

  “Oh, so you don’t know that Seth the Serpent won?” Tangine said, slyly.

  Amelia was ready to throw something at him. ANYTHING…as long as it was heavy enough to squish him. Forever. Could this evening get any worse?

  Squashy bounced onto Amelia’s lap and licked her hands gently.

  “That fat little orange thing shouldn’t be at the table,” Tangine said.

  “His name is Squashy,” Amelia growled.

  “Daddy,” said Tangine, cupping his hands under his chin. “I think I want a pet.”

  “You told me pets were silly,” Amelia said.

  “Well,” Tangine said, “I changed my mind.”

  The king gave a sigh. “I’ll get you a pet, son,” he said, wrapping his cloak around his bony shoulders.

  “I want a pet pumpkin,” said Tangine, looking Amelia in the eyes.

  Amelia felt her insides turn to ice. Squashy nuzzled closer to her chest.

  “Fine,” said King Vladimir. “I’ll get you a pet pumpkin.”

  Amelia didn’t take her eyes off Tangine.

  Tangine grinned, showing bits of profiterole pus caught in his teeth.

  “Oh no, Daddy,” he said in his most superior voice. “I…waaaant…thaaaaat…oooone.” And, as if in slow motion, Tangine pointed a greasy finger at Squashy.

  Before Amelia knew it, she was running around the table to stop Tangine from getting any closer to Squashy.

  “OH, DADDY! Help! I’m so scared!” Tangine wailed. He hid behind the king, then poked his head around his father’s back and smirked. Amelia clenched her fists, but Countess Frivoleeta placed a hand on her shoulder.

  “Amelia, calm down, please,” she said quietly but firmly. “Too much pus has made you a little hysterical….”

  “Mom! Tell him! They can’t take Squashy away.” Amelia felt tears prickling her eyes.

  “Amelia, darkling,” her mother said through gritted teeth. “Don’t cause a scene. Remember what the king and his son have been through. It took a lot of guts for them to come out tonight….”

  Tangine grabbed Squashy by his stem, holding him up to his face. “You belong to me now.”

  Squashy made a tiny squeaking noise.

  “Stop that!” Amelia shouted. “You’re scaring him! Don’t hold him like that!”

  “He’ll have MUCH more fun in our big palace,” Tangine said.

  “YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM!” Amelia reached for Squashy, who was struggling to get away from Tangine.

  “Wooo, please take Amelia to her room to cool off,” Countess Frivoleeta said. She looked at Amelia sadly, then cleared her throat and adjusted her hair. “We’ll see our guests out.”

  Wooo flew over. His face usually didn’t give much away, but just now he looked sad.

  “You won’t get away with this!” Amelia hissed into Tangine’s ear as Wooo led her gently up the staircase.

  “Terribly sorry about the commotion, King Vladimir,” Countess Frivoleeta said. “I hope you enjoyed your evening with us. It’s delightful to see you again. And, Tangine…” The countess forced a smile. “It’s been an…experience.”

  “Wooo,” Amelia whispered to the ghost butler at the top of the stairs, “I must tell Florence and Grimaldi! I have to get Squashy back!”

  Wooo adjusted his eyeglass. “Now, Miss Amelia, you’ve been sent to your room…,” he said before disappearing through the wall. A moment later he reappeared with a hooded cape. “But take this, just in case you need some fresh air. Try to be home before the sun rises.” He winked.

  “Thanks, Wooo,” said Amelia with a sad smile. “You’re the best.”

  Drawing the cloak around her shoulders, she made her way to the fourth floor of the house. As she crept up the stairs, she was about to warn Squashy to keep quiet…but then she remembered he was gone, and her heart felt like something was squeezing it. And then she heard Tangine’s slimy voice in her mind and all she could feel was anger.

  “That boy is pure unicorn poo!” she said under her breath. “I’d rather go to a thousand Barbaric Balls on my own than spend one with him!”

  Amelia stared down the long corridor. Somewhere along the left-hand side was a door that led straight to the edge of the River Styx, where Grimaldi and his family lived. She had discovered it years ago when she was playing hide-and-seek with Squashy, but she coul
d never be sure exactly which door it was.

  First she tried a thin brown one with wooden carvings all over it. Stepping through, Amelia found herself in Wooo’s study.

  Next she tried a shiny purple door with gold trim.

  “EEK!” she cried. It was one of her mother’s dressing rooms, and it was FULL of mirrors. Amelia had never seen herself from so many angles before. She backed out, feeling dizzy.

  Suddenly, she felt a breeze on her ankles.

  It was coming from underneath a dark green door with a moldy handle. Hmmm, she thought, definitely the smell of stagnant water…

  She turned the creaky handle and opened the door….

  Amelia stepped into a little wooden boat that was perched on the edge of the River Styx and rowed to the Reaperton barge. She pulled up next to Grimaldi’s bedroom window and knocked gently three times.

  The black curtains parted, revealing Grimaldi’s big eyes. They widened farther when he saw Amelia peering in, and hastily he opened the window.

  “Hey…what’s wrong?” he said, glancing at the boat. “Where’s Squashy?”

  “That’s why I’m here,” Amelia whispered. “Tangine TOOK him!”

  “WHAT?” Grimaldi gasped.

  “Grimmy?” came his mom’s voice. “Is everything OK?”

  “Er, yeah, Grimama, fine, all fine,” Grimaldi yelled toward the bedroom door. “Just, er, watching a documentary about unicorns for school! It’s a little scary….” He glanced at Amelia hopefully. They waited in silence.

  “Oh, okay,” Grimaldi’s mom said. “Don’t stay up too late, my deathly one, and be careful not to give yourself daymares!”

  “Yes, Grimamaaaa,” Grimaldi said. “Sorry about that,” he whispered to Amelia.

  “We need to go and tell Florence before it gets too late,” Amelia said. “The sun comes up soon.”

  Grimaldi pulled up his hood and climbed carefully into the boat.

  * * *

  The three friends sat under the Petrified-Tree-That-Looked-Like-a-Unicorn as Amelia explained what had happened.

  “I CAN’T BELIEVE HE TOOK SQUASHY,” Florence said. “WHAT A LOADA GLITTER!” She punched the ground, and an almighty crack appeared.

  Amelia’s heart felt heavy. “Poor Squashy,” she said quietly.

  Florence put a big hairy arm around Amelia’s shoulders and hugged her friend to her chest. “I’LL CRUSH HIM!” she said, clenching her arm muscles in anger. “THE BIG CABBAGE BUTT!”

  “You’re crushing me!” Amelia wheezed through a mouthful of Florence’s hair.

  “OOPS, SORRY.”

  Amelia looked up at the sky.

  “We don’t have long until the sun rises, so we’ll have to be fast. We need to break into the palace,” she said with a determined look on her face. “It’s the only way to save Squashy!”

  Grimaldi made a tiny eep sound.

  Florence stood up and puffed her hairy chest out. “I’M IN!” she said, placing a big paw on Amelia’s shoulder and almost knocking her over.

  Grimaldi fiddled with the point of his hood anxiously. “What if we get caught? Or what if daylight comes before we get inside? OR WHAT IF…” He started hyperventilating.

  “Hey,” said Amelia, putting her arm around Grimaldi. “I won’t let that happen. But Squashy really needs me. Will you help me get him back?”

  Grimaldi took a deep breath. “Okay…I’m in!”

  * * *

  As Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi reached Nocturnia Palace, they tried to be as quiet as possible, which was difficult for Florence.

  “I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW STEALTHY I’M BEING,” she said in her quietest voice, which echoed through the silence. A few crows flew out of a tree in fright.

  “Shhhhh! We don’t want to get caught!” Grimaldi said anxiously.

  They gazed up at Nocturnia Palace, which was illuminated in the moonlight. There were hundreds of windows, all lined with black and gold.

  “How are we supposed to find Squashy in there?” Grimaldi whispered.

  A whiny voice floated down from a window high above them. “NO! I don’t want it anymore! I’m bored with it!” Amelia would have recognized that voice anywhere. It was Tangine!

  Suddenly, a heavy object came flying out the window and landed in a broken heap next to Florence.

  “AARGH! I COULDA DIED!” she shouted.

  “Shhh, Florence,” Amelia whispered. They ducked behind a statue of the king riding a headless chicken as Tangine’s face appeared at the top window.

  “Hmmm, I thought I heard something…,” he murmured, scanning the grounds.

  Amelia took a closer look at the heap of rubble. It was the statue of Lord Ey-Ey Pistachio that Tangine had taken from her house earlier that night.

  “How rude!” she muttered. “Aargh! I WISH I could fly so I could see if Squashy is in there.”

  “WHAT’S THE POINT IN HAVING WINGS IF YOU CAN’T USE ’EM?” said Florence.

  “They’re just for show, really,” Amelia said with a sigh. “Like your appendix or your tonsils. Hey, I have an idea! How about if Grimaldi balances on your shoulders, and then I climb on his shoulders…. I might be able to see in!”

  “JUMP ON,” Florence said, and the trio clambered over each other.

  “Just a little higher…,” said Amelia, stretching her neck.

  Florence took a deep breath and balanced on the very tips of her toes.

  “Perfect!” Amelia whispered.

  “I DON’T TAKE BALLET LESSONS EVERY WEEKEND FOR NOTHING,” Florence said.

  Through the window, Amelia could see Tangine sitting smugly on Countess Frivoleeta’s chair. A tall Mummy Maid stood next to him, holding a tray of Baked Noses.

  “WINIFRED! I can’t hear the TV! Turn it up!”

  Tangine took a Baked Nose, sniffed it, then threw it across the room, before knocking the whole tray out of the Mummy Maid’s hands. Noses scattered all over the floor, and one sneezed, launching itself into the fireplace.

  “I told you I wanted SNOTTY NOSES, Winifred!” Tangine screamed. “These noses are TOO DRY! Make me some more!”

  Amelia couldn’t see Squashy anywhere.

  “Urgh, this chair is so uncomfortable. Winifred! Wait!” Tangine stood up and kicked the chair over. “I’m sick of it now. Get rid of it.” Then he clapped his hands twice. “GERALDINE!”

  “Squashy’s not in there. Let’s try another window,” Amelia whispered. Then, suddenly, she heard a familiar squeak.

  Amelia had to stop herself from crying out.

  A Mummy Maid had walked into the room holding Squashy, who was wearing a ruffled collar and a tiny top hat.

  “Oh, you look DIVINE!” said Tangine, clapping his hands. He grabbed Squashy and plunked him on the floor. “Now, Geraldine, go and make us some Peppered Pimple Popsicles.”

  It took all Amelia’s willpower not to climb through the window and grab Squashy. He looked so sad—he wasn’t even bouncing or waggling his stem.

  “Come on, Squashy. Let’s do something fun!” said Tangine, bending down so his face was level with Squashy’s.

  Squashy turned away.

  “How about a game of hide-and-seek?” Tangine beamed. He ran behind a sofa and started chuckling. “I bet you can’t find me! He he he!”

  Amelia watched as Squashy sighed and closed his eyes. A tiny pumpkin teardrop fell to the ground, and Amelia’s heart felt like it might explode.

  Tangine was still hiding behind the sofa. His smile soon turned into a frown.

  “You didn’t even try!” he said grumpily as he reappeared. “Okay, how about we read a book together? Do you like reading? I have a great book called Facts About Being a Good King…or another one called Kingly Things to Do on a Rainy Day?”

  Squashy was silent.

  Tangine slumped to the fl
oor. “You’re no fun,” he mumbled.

  Squashy suddenly started sniffing the air. Then he bounced over to the window where Amelia was perched, squeaking frantically.

  No, Squashy. You’re going to get me caught, Amelia thought as she quickly climbed down to the ground, leaving the sound of his pa-doings behind her.

  “Did you see Squashy?” Grimaldi asked. “Is he okay?”

  Florence grunted before Amelia could answer.

  “AARGH. MY ARM HAIRS ARE TINGLING. SOMETHING’S WRONG!”

  “Shhhh, Florence, Tangine will hear us!” Grimaldi hushed.

  The sound of footsteps came from above.

  “Hide!” Amelia said.

  They darted behind the nearest statue just as Tangine stuck his neck out of the window. “What’s all the silly fuss about, Squashy?”

  Amelia could hear Squashy squeaking. It was breaking her heart to hide from him.

  “Winifred!” came Tangine’s voice. “Send the Gremlin Guards out to check the grounds! I think Squashy’s seen something.” He stared at the statue where Amelia and her friends were hiding.

  “Winifred…,” he said.

  Amelia held her breath.

  “I think…”

  Amelia’s heart was pounding.

  “That statue needs a clean,” Tangine said as he closed the curtains.

  “Phew,” Amelia breathed.

  “MY ARM HAIRS WON’T STOP TINGLING,” said Florence, rubbing her biceps. “IT NEVER MEANS ANYTHING GOOD….”

  “Aargh!” Grimaldi squeaked, pointing toward the horizon. “The sunrise! The Creatures of the Light could appear any minute!”

  “But I can’t leave Squashy in there!” Amelia cried.

  Grimaldi put a hand on Amelia’s shoulder. “We’ll get him back, I promise.” Then he looked at the sky. “But if we don’t hurry home we might bump into a—”