The Tiger Mom's Tale

by Lyn Liao Butler

  “It’s beautiful,” she said, once they were back in the all-white kitchen with a gray quartz countertop and stainless steel appliances.

  “I was lucky to find it. It’s only five minutes from Sophia’s mom’s place.” He pulled out a bottle of wine from the fridge and handed it to Lexa. “I saw this and thought of you. I had to get it.”

  She read the label and laughed. Kung Fu Girl Riesling. “Where did you find this?”

  “Someone had it at a party I went to. I know you don’t usually drink Riesling, but this is dry and crisp. I think you’ll like it.”

  “With that name, I’m sure I will.” Lexa handed the bottle back to him, and he opened it and poured two glasses.

  “Let’s sit outside.” He gestured to the back patio, which overlooked a small yard.

  Taking her glass from him, she slipped through the sliding glass door and settled into a chair. It was so peaceful here, compared to her New York City apartment with the loud traffic roaring below her window.

  “I’m so glad I’m here.”

  “Me too. I thought we could go out to dinner, just us, tonight. I want you all to myself.” He leered at her, making her laugh.

  “Sounds good.”

  “And then tomorrow, you’re still okay with meeting Sophia?”

  Lexa shot him a look. Didn’t single parents only want their children to meet someone if it was serious? Were they serious? But how could they be, being on opposite sides of the country and with opposing views on how they wanted to live their lives?

  “Yes,” she said, even though the thought set off butterflies in her stomach. “But are you sure you want me to meet her?”

  “I told her you’re a friend visiting from New York.”

  “Oh, okay.” She nodded. That made sense.

  “And we can play tomorrow night by ear, see how we feel. We don’t have to go to Dave’s if you don’t want.”

  “You really want to introduce me to your friends?” She gave a nervous laugh. “You didn’t meet my friends when you were in New York.” Maybe she should have invited him to her birthday dinner?

  “I met one of your sisters.”

  Lexa’s mouth quirked. “Maddie is still mad that Hsu-Ling met you and she didn’t.”

  Jake laughed and then leaned in toward her. “So. You’re going to Taiwan.”

  “Yes. I really am. I couldn’t let my Taiwanese family lose their home.” She looked at him over the rim of her wineglass. “And if I’m being honest, I want to go back for myself. Not only to say good-bye to my father but also to see it again. I’ve let Hsu-Ling’s mother . . .” Her voice trailed off as she realized she still hadn’t told Jake what had happened with her father all those years earlier.

  “What about Hsu-Ling’s mother?” He sent her a questioning look.

  She gazed at him as the warm San Francisco sun beamed down on them, although the temperature was cooler than it had been in New York City when she left that morning. She took a sip of her wine and realized she wanted to tell him.

  “You really want to know?”

  “Yes.”

  So she told him everything, in slow stops and starts and in a voice so low that Jake had to lean forward to catch her words. Starting with what Hsu-Ling’s mother had accused her of and her father’s betrayal the summer she was fourteen, and ending with Pong’s will and the reason she was going back to Taiwan. As she spoke, her voice got stronger, and by the time she’d finished the story, Jake no longer had to struggle to hear her.

  “I’m sorry for what you went through,” he said. “I can’t imagine what that was like, to have your stepmother accuse you of things you didn’t do and to have your father not believe you.”

  Lexa stared at him. “This is the second time I’ve heard her referred to as my stepmother. I’ve always thought of her as my father’s wife.”

  “Lexa.” Jake pulled his chair closer so he could take her hand in his. “As a father, I can’t imagine not believing my child. But I’ve known Sophia all her life. Your father didn’t get a chance to really know you. If he did, he would never have believed you were capable of hurting your sister. Or of coming on to Pong.” Jake’s eyes darkened, and his mouth twisted.

  Lexa stayed quiet. She was glad she’d told him the truth, but she didn’t want to rehash it again, especially since she’d be in Taiwan soon and have to face Pin-Yen in person. As if sensing her reluctance, Jake gave her hand a squeeze and let go. “I just want to say one more thing, and then we can put it aside if you don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry you never got a chance to reconcile with your father after he was finally told the truth. That must be so hard.”

  “I think that’s the hardest part. He finally believed me, knew the truth, but then he died before I could hear him say he was sorry. I was mad at him. For getting into that stupid accident and dying.” She let out a short laugh. “Ha. I’m mad at a dead person.”

  He looked at her without speaking and then said, “It takes a lot of courage to go back and face your past, to confront Hsu-Ling’s mother and to admit you want to know your Taiwanese heritage. I think you’re really brave, Lexa.”

  The side of her mouth lifted. “Thanks. I don’t feel so brave.”

  “I knew you were special the moment I saw you.”

  “What, when I was sprawled on the floor with the massage table on top of me?” She gave him a doubtful look.

  “Actually, yes. You looked so adorable all crumbled up like that. And you were so stunned, as if that table had done it on purpose and attacked you.”

  “It did.”

  He laughed and then jumped up and went into the kitchen, leaving Lexa to stare after him. She heard him say, “Alexa, play ‘Perfect’ on the patio.” She rolled her eyes and smiled. Great. He already had an Alexa in his life.

  Suddenly, Ed Sheeran’s voice filled the air, and Jake came back. He held out his arms, and she stood, slipping into them as if she belonged. He sang along as he held her in his arms, and they swayed together to the music. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against his chest and allowed Jake’s voice to fill her heart.

  * * *

  • • •

  Lexa wasn’t prepared for the smiley, happy little girl who greeted her when Jake came back to his place the next day after picking up his three-year-old daughter.

  “Sophia, this is Daddy’s friend Lexa. She’s visiting from New York.”

  The little girl had dark brown hair caught up in two pigtails with yellow ribbons on the ends, and Jake’s eyes. She looked at Lexa and burst into such a happy smile, Lexa found herself smiling back at her. Sophia threw her arms around Lexa. “Moana!”

  Lexa looked at Jake, who laughed helplessly.

  “Sophia, honey, this is Lexa. Not Moana.”

  “No,” Sophia said. “Moana!” She slipped her little hand into Lexa’s and started to sing. Lexa had seen enough of the movie trailer to kind of recognize the song “How Far I’ll Go” from the Disney movie.

  “Sorry.” Jake tried to compose himself. “She’s kind of obsessed with Moana right now.” He reached out and touched Lexa’s hair, which she’d let loose down her back. “I guess with your long hair, you kind of look like the Polynesian girl from the movie.”

  “And I’m tanned from the summer,” she said, looking down at her skin. “It’s fine, I’m not offended.” She squatted down to Sophia’s level. “I’m happy to meet you, Sophia. I love your dress.” Sophia spun around in her yellow dress sprinkled with daisies to show Lexa how the skirt spun out when she twirled.

  “My dress is bee-yoo-tiful.”

  “Yes it is.” Lexa looked up at Jake. “I have a niece about her age. I don’t mind being compared to Moana. At least she didn’t think I look like Ursula from The Little Mermaid.”

  Jake took them to lunch at his favorite taco and burrito place, and Sophia stuck to Lex
a like glue. She wanted to sit next to her and reached out a few times to stroke Lexa’s hair. She chattered on in her toddler way, and even though Lexa didn’t understand most of what she said, Sophia didn’t seem to mind.

  The restaurant was small and crowded, with the tables close together and people packed in. While Jake cut up Sophia’s food, Lexa leaned back in her chair, sipping the iced tea she’d ordered, and looked around. She wondered what people thought when they saw the three of them together. Did they think she was the nanny? Or did they assume she was Sophia’s mother, despite being Asian? Lexa narrowed her eyes at Sophia and decided that she could pass for being part Asian. Her hair was dark, and she had a slight tilt to her eyes. Lexa knew some children who were half-Asian looked more like their white parent, while she’d tended toward the Asian side.

  She was jostled out of her daydreaming by Jake’s voice. “Everything okay?”

  She gave him a quick smile. She was glad he couldn’t see what she was thinking about. “Yes.” She shook her head to clear it. Why had she been imagining them as a family?

  The rest of the day passed quickly, and Sophia was in tears when Jake had to drive her back to her mother.

  “I want to stay with Moana!”

  “Mommy’s waiting for you at home. I’m glad you had fun with my friend Lexa.”

  Lexa gave the little girl a hug. “Thanks for spending the day with me. I had so much fun.”

  Sophia wound her little arms around Lexa’s neck and gave Lexa a kiss on the cheek. “Me too. See you tomorrow?”

  “I’m leaving on an airplane tomorrow. I’m going to Taiwan to see my family.”

  “Airplane?” Sophia’s eyes widened. She thought, and then said, “You come back soon?”

  Lexa glanced at Jake. “Maybe. Hopefully soon.”

  “Okay.” Sophia gave Lexa one more hug and then took her father’s hand.

  “I’ll be right back.” Jake waved to her and led Sophia out to the car.

  Lexa drifted through the house, her thoughts wandering as she waited for Jake. Her fingers touched the signs of Jake’s life: framed photos of him and Sophia, Sophia’s artwork on the fridge, a jacket thrown over the back of a chair, a stuffed pig forgotten on the couch. Jake found her sitting on the back deck when he returned.

  “Hey.” He said it softly, but Lexa still jolted. She’d been deep in thought and hadn’t heard him come in.

  “Jake.” She put a hand on her chest, feeling her heartbeat quicken.

  “Did you like Sophia?” There was a hopeful, almost boyish look in his eyes as he waited for her answer.

  “Of course! She’s so adorable, such a sweet little girl. And I’m not just saying that because she’s your daughter. Or thinks I’m a Disney princess.”

  “I’m glad you two got along so well.” Jake sat on the glider bench on the patio and patted the seat next to him. She sat, tucking her feet up under her, and he slid an arm around her waist. “I have to ask you something.” She stilled at the serious tone in his voice. “Can you see yourself being a mother after meeting Sophia?”

  “You mean a mother in general, or Sophia’s mother?” Her pulse skipped and danced, because she knew they were about to have a conversation she didn’t know if she was ready for.

  He played with her hair, twirling a strand around his finger. “Either. Both.” He blew out a breath. “I really care about you. You make me smile every time I see you, and I’m so attracted to you. I know it’s kind of early to be talking about this, but I . . .” He trailed off without finishing his sentence.

  “I know. I feel it too. But . . .” Now it was her turn to search for words. How did she tell him she really liked him but she couldn’t see them together?

  “But?”

  “I just don’t see how it would work. You live here, and I’m in New York. My whole family is there, my friends, my job, and my clients. Plus, I don’t think I can be a mother. I just can’t.”

  “Why?”

  She shook her head. She’d waited all her life to feel like this for a man, yet when it happened, it was with someone who wanted a different life.

  He stroked his thumb up and down the back of her hand. “Is it because of what happened with your father? That he didn’t believe you?”

  Lexa squeezed her eyes shut. “It sounds so stupid when you say it. My father didn’t believe me and basically severed our relationship, and now I’m so damaged by it that I don’t want kids.”

  Jake pulled away slightly to look down at her. “Lexa, I don’t think what you’re feeling is stupid at all.” She could hear the hurt in his voice. “I’m just trying to understand where you’re coming from.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. I guess I think it’s stupid. My mom loves me and has stood by me my entire life, and Greg has never treated me as anything less than his biological daughter. And yet, there’s this . . . this hole in me because my father didn’t believe me.” Tears sprang to her eyes, and she blinked rapidly to keep them away. “I loved him so much. I thought he loved me too. But he . . . he shattered my trust, and I just can’t imagine being responsible for a child. What if I did the same thing to a child that he did to me?” She sat up straight so that she was no longer leaning on Jake. “My mom and dad would lay down their lives for me, yet they couldn’t keep my father from breaking my heart.”

  She stopped and gulped air into lungs that suddenly felt too big for her chest. Not until then had she ever voiced to herself why she didn’t want children. With her friends, she’d always been flip. I just don’t want them. Or, Not everyone wants kids. But at that moment, the truth shook her. The breath she took in trembled, and she willed herself to get a grip and back in control.

  Jake didn’t say anything, only put a hand on her shoulder. They stayed like that for a long time, until Lexa’s breathing evened and the tears no longer threatened.

  Jake spoke. “I understand why you don’t want to have children. But I need to ask you this because I’m in love with you.” He held up a hand when she opened her mouth. “Don’t say anything yet. Hear me out.” She closed her mouth, her heart hammering in her chest so loud she was surprised he couldn’t hear it. “I want to see where this goes with you. I want to see if we can find a way to be together. Sophia is a part of my life. If you can’t accept her, then it’ll never work. But I saw the way you were with her today.”

  “But how?” Lexa asked. “I can’t imagine uprooting my whole life to move here.”

  “I’ll fly to New York when I can; you’ll come here when you can. And if our relationship does grow and we take the next step, who’s to say you’d have to be the one to move? I could ask my company for a transfer to the New York office.”

  Lexa stared at him. Was he for real? “But what about Sophia? I don’t think your ex will like it if you take her out of the state.”

  “Sophia’s mom is from New York originally. She only moved here because of my job. I don’t think she’d be opposed to moving back to New York if it really came to that.”

  Lexa sat and gaped at him. It was all too much. The realization of why she didn’t want children, meeting Sophia, Jake telling her he loved her.

  Jake reached out a hand and said, “I know. It’s too much to throw at you right now. Especially because you’re leaving for Taiwan tomorrow and confronting a past that you haven’t resolved.”

  “Too much,” she echoed.

  “Maddie’s meeting up with you tomorrow?”

  “Yes. We’re on the same flight to Taiwan from San Francisco.”

  He gazed at her with such a tender look on his face that it made her want to cry. She was about to speak when he said, “I’m not letting you go so easily. I’ll give you time and space, but I’m not going anywhere. Go to Taiwan and figure out your past. I’ll be waiting for you when you do.” He turned her head toward him and stared deep into her eyes, and t
he look he sent her undid her.

  “I’m scared,” she whispered. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to let go and just be.”

  He reached out and placed a finger over her lips. And when he replaced his finger with his lips, she felt something loosen in her chest. Letting the feel of Jake’s kiss take over her senses, she wondered if maybe it would be possible to keep him in her life somehow.

  43

  Lexa stood in the baggage claim area of the Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport, waiting for her suitcase to show up on the carousel. Maddie stood next to her, busy checking her phone to see what she’d missed while they were in the air.

  The airport was loud, people talking in Mandarin and Taiwanese, some yelling, some waving their arms with wild gestures. Carts and suitcases rolled by, children ran around, and people struggled to pull their suitcases off the carousel. Lexa stood and took it all in, noting the Asian people with black hair and feeling that sense of belonging she’d felt when she’d been here the last three times.

  Someone bumped into her, and she automatically excused herself in Mandarin. A woman asked if she knew where the bathroom was, and Lexa pointed in the right direction. Lexa smiled. She was back. She understood the language.

  Lexa’s phone dinged with a text message, and Maddie looked up. “Is that Jake?” Maddie asked.

  Lexa looked at her phone. “No, it’s Hsu-Ling. She’s here.”

  “I still think you’re being an idiot.” Lexa had told Maddie about Jake on the flight over. “This hot guy who’s totally into you and who you’re totally into tells you he loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. And you turn him down ’cause you don’t want kids.” Maddie shoved Lexa lightly on the shoulder. “You are such an idiot.”

  Lexa shrugged, because part of her agreed with Maddie. Before she could reply, Maddie spied her bag. “That’s mine. Lexa, grab it!”