The Queen of Diamonds

by Raven Cavalleu

  "What's your best pitch?" Alex asked as she took another step back and threw the ball.

  "I've got a couple of really good off speed pitches, but need help with my fastball. It's just average." She walked up to her. "Wanna see?" She pointed over at a strange wooden contraption beside the pitching net. "We've always got a catcher here." She quickly set up while Alex watched. After a moment, she realized the design and purpose of the wooden box was to be the catcher. It was approximately the size of an adult squatting behind the plate, with an adjustable hole representing the strike zone, and a burlap sack that funneled the pitched balls back down into a bucket.

  "That's genius."

  "Yeah, it's helped me out a bunch. Dad built it for me before he died." She hauled a bucket full of balls over to the pitching circle, and began to throw one pitch after another into the burlap sack. When she stopped, Alex walked over and began to walk her through every pitch, and what she saw with each one.

  Nikki watched curiously as Alex began to demonstrate different pitching techniques. She was startled to realize how much she knew about softball, and began to wonder about it. She ignored the quiet conversations around her as she thought about the events of the day, and how they had affected Alex. She wondered what had started the argument between her and Paige. Like everyone else, she'd walked in when the raised voices drew attention. She tried to remember what was said, and sat up wide-eyed when she recalled Alex talking about gold medals. She felt her heart sink at the realization that she was keeping so much more from her than she had realized.

  "You're not listening to me," Alex complained as Paige failed to complete the motion to her satisfaction. She walked up behind her and placed her hands on her hips, squaring them to the wooden catcher. "You have to explode off the rubber. Use your legs, that's what they're there for." She placed her left hand on Paige's hip and her right around her right wrist. "We're going to do this one slowly, together," she explained as she began to walk her cousin through the mechanics of the pitch. She felt Paige stiffen against her. "What's the matter?"

  "Now that I know you're my cousin, it just isn't the same. I used to dream about you holding me close, but now it's just weird." She was stunned to find herself suddenly in a headlock, and yelped, drawing the attention of everyone on the porch. She began to struggle as Alex held on and started to tickle her.

  "How do you like that?" Alex asked as she thrashed in her arms. As she released her, Paige's knee connected solidly with her left thigh causing a sharp pain to take her breath.

  Paige saw the look of pain cross Alex's features and reached for her, catching her before she collapsed. "Mom!"

  Nikki heard the small cry of pain and jumped over the railing, sprinting to them before Paige could call out a second time. She swept Alex up into her arms and headed for the house, waiving everyone off as she climbed the steps. "I've got her, just get the door." She carefully laid her on one of the couches and smiled at her. "How are you doing, sweetie?"

  "I'm okay." Alex looked up into Nikki's eyes and smiled. "Really. I think Paige caught me with her knee. A little bit of ice and an aspirin and I'll be fine."

  "You know I need to check it out."

  She sighed and leaned back against the cushions. "Of course, Doctor."

  "Smart ass."

  She smiled at Nikki's exaggerated scowl and replied, "Is that your official diagnosis, Doctor?"

  "Show some respect would you? I did save your life you know," Nikki grumbled as she began to examine her knee.

  "I know, mia cara, and I am grateful." She placed her hand over Nikki's, stilling it on her knee. "The knee is fine, cara. The blow was mid-thigh. It was hard enough to cause a sharp pain and a charley horse, but I don't believe it was enough to re-fracture the bone. We are far enough along in the healing process that we can stop worrying about that right?"

  Nikki lifted her hand and placed a kiss on her palm. "I will always worry for you. Now be a good girl and let me finish, okay?"

  Alex nodded and looked up at the ceiling as she felt Nikki's hands move up her leg. She could feel everyone hovering nearby as they waited for her to say everything was okay. She heard a gasp as Nikki pushed the leg of her shorts up as far as it would go, exposing the majority of her leg, and revealing her scars. She looked up as a hand dropped to her shoulder, and saw the sadness in Paige's eyes.

  "I'm so sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to kick you."

  She looked down and saw the beginnings of a large bruise on the outside of her thigh, partially covering the scar. "It's okay, Paige. It's just a bruise. I've had worse. Would you mind grabbing some ice for me?" She nodded and quickly left the room.

  "I think you should get it x-rayed."

  "Can it wait until we get home tomorrow?"

  Nikki nodded as she climbed to her feet. "That's fine as long as you take it easy today, and stay off of it as much as possible." She sat on the couch near her feet. "No more pitching lessons, and no more rough housing." Alex bowed her head as she saw the unasked questions in Nikki's eyes, and wondered how to tell her who she used to be. She was startled from her thoughts as Paige appeared.

  Paige knelt beside the sofa and ran the tip of her finger over the scar along Alex's thigh. "What happened?" she asked as she gently placed a towel-covered bag of ice over the bruise.

  "I was hit by a car while out jogging. It tore the ligaments in my knee, and fractured my femur, pelvis, clavicle and scapula. I'm still in physical therapy, and could be for several more months though I'm doing much better."

  "Were you wearing headphones or something?" Alex looked around the room trying to determine who asked the question, when a man with close cut, blond hair smiled and waved. "I'm the one that asked, dear. I'm your Uncle Brian, and this is my partner Nate." Brian placed his hand on the knee of the man sitting beside him.

  "No, I don't use headphones when I jog. It's too dangerous." She shrugged and simply said, "It was a distracted driver." She saw Nikki shake her head out of the corner of her eye, and turned her way. "What?"

  "Why do you always oversimplify it, and act like it was no big deal?"

  She adjusted the ice pack on her leg, refusing to look at anyone as she replied, "Because it isn't. You would have done the same."

  Brian leaned forward in his chair. "Now you've got me curious." He held his hand up, stopping Nikki from speaking. "Let me guess. There is far more to the story you don't like to tell. Something that makes you feel like you're boasting or seeking attention if you tell it." He smiled as Alex slowly met his eyes. "Something that you feel is no big deal, but everyone around you insists that it is." He saw the uncertainty in her eyes and tried to reassure her. "Your mother was the same way. She would do things just because they were the right thing to do, and never wanted any recognition for them."

  Nikki leaned forward, drawing everyone's attention, and explained about the accident and resulting coma. When the room grew silent, Alex spoke up again saying, "Long story short, everything turned out fine," which caused several chuckles throughout the room.

  Nikki couldn't help but grin. "Smart ass." The smile slipped from her face and her brows drew together as she looked at Alex. "You need to take this time to get the answers you need. No holding back, you don't know when you will get another opportunity. Don't hold back because you don't want to cause pain, pain is inevitable." She stood and excused herself before heading out the back door.

  Lexi sat on the couch next to Alex, in the spot vacated by Nikki. "What is it you need to know my dear? What questions do you have that we can answer?" Alex looked at each of the faces, searching for familiar features, and suddenly they began to introduce themselves to her. Tears sprang to her eyes as they each explained who they were and welcomed her to the family. She turned and looked at Lexi as her emotions choked her, making it difficult to speak. "Let's start with the question you ask yourself most often," Lexi prompted.

  "Why?" Alex whispered around the lump in her throat.

  Lexi took a deep breath and repli
ed, "That's a question we've asked ourselves many times. We don't know why he did what he did." She stopped as Alex shook her head. "What is it, dear?"

  "Why didn't you come for me?"

  Joanne spoke up from across the room in a voice thick with emotion. "We didn't know you existed, honey. We knew about Raychel. She was born when your mother still visited us occasionally. We found out about Roberta several years after their deaths when a reporter brought us her death certificate." She pulled a tissue from the box on the table beside her chair, and wiped away her tears before blowing her nose. "We never knew about you."

  Alex sat quietly for several seconds as she tried to gather her thoughts. She looked at her aunts and uncles and explained, "The judge knew that the media refused to leave the story alone. She was able to keep my existence from them for several years, but they eventually figured it out and began to haunt me, looking for a story. When I asked her to change my name, she took advantage of it and created the death certificate to throw them off. No family had come forward in four years to claim me, so she figured none ever would."

  She looked over at David as he spoke up for the first time. "We were devastated to learn that you'd died and we'd missed the chance to know you, to help you through the loss of your family. It was like losing Lizzy all over again."

  Alex could see the sadness in Lexi's eyes as she said, "If we had known, we would have moved heaven and earth to bring you home to us." She looked over at her brothers and sister before turning back to Alex. "There wasn't a day that went by that your grandma and grandpa didn't regret giving Lizzy that ultimatum, and wish they could take it all back. There hasn't been one day since her death that I didn't wish I had done something more to get her away from him, and I know I'm not alone." There were several sounds of assent from around the room.

  Alex looked over at Brian's partner Nate and saw he wore a curious expression, and knew a question was burning to be asked. She waited patiently while he decided if he was going to ask it or not. When he looked up at her and saw her watching him he blushed slightly. When she grinned in return he asked, "Where were you that day? Were you at a friend's house or something?"

  Alex dropped the icepack to the floor and stood abruptly, limped over to the back door, and looked out onto the back yard. She saw Nikki tossing the ball into the pitching net beside the barn and rested her head against the glass. Everyone had to strain to hear her as she said, "Raychel and I weren't allowed to have any friends." She turned back to the small group scattered about the room and said, "I was there, and I saw it all. Ray…" She cleared her throat. "Ray saved me. She refused to tell him where she'd hid me, even when he…when he…" Her voice trailed off as she turned her back to the room, her shoulders shaking as she quietly cried.

  Lexi stood and walked up to her, gently pulling her into a hug. "I'm so sorry it took so long, honey, but you have a family now. We all understand and share your pain. Let us help you." She felt some of the tension begin to slowly drain out of Alex as she sagged in her arms.

  Alex felt some of her pain ease as her aunt held her close. This was her mother's family, it was her family, and they wanted her to be a part of it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Nikki helped Alex from the car and into the hotel room. As she settled on the bed, Nikki sat in the chair by the window. She looked over at Alex and asked, "Where did you learn to pitch like that?"

  Alex looked away, and Nikki knew she wasn't really ready to discuss it. "I started playing my freshman year in high school. My coach said I was a natural, and I picked it up quickly."

  Nikki grew frustrated with her continually evasive answers. She knew there was more to the story after hearing some of the argument between her and Paige earlier in the day, yet Alex refused to share. She stood abruptly and took the hotel key from the table, sliding it into her pocket. "I'm going to go take a walk. I'll be back in a little while." She ignored Alex's protest as she headed out the door.

  As the door closed quietly behind Nikki, Alex leaned back against the headboard. She'd felt uneasy all afternoon because of Nikki's distant demeanor, and had hoped she was misreading things. With her sudden departure, it was evident that there was something bothering her. She waited for Nikki to return so they could talk. Time was running out on their mini vacation, and she still needed to find a way to tell her who she was. Several hours later, she cried herself to sleep still waiting.

  The next morning, they were both quiet as they finished packing up their few belongings and loaded them into the car. She was quiet the entire ride home, speaking in short, clipped sentences when Alex asked her questions. As she pulled into the driveway, Nikki turned to her and said, "You can just drop me off here. I've got a few things I really need to take care of. Why don't you head over to get that leg checked out?" Before she could respond, Nikki opened the door, grabbed her bag, and headed for the house. With a heavy heart, she turned around and headed to the clinic for x-rays.

  It was almost two hours later when Alex finally arrived home. She was exhausted from the poor night's rest and emotional turmoil of the last couple of days, and failed to notice Nikki's car wasn't in the driveway. She entered the house and carried her bag up the stairs to the master suite. As she entered the room she noticed the light on in the closet, and called out. When she didn't receive an answer, she walked over and looked inside. She immediately noticed the side Nikki had taken over was empty. All of her clothes and shoes were gone. She quickly searched the room, and found that every scrap of evidence proving Nikki lived here was gone. She felt her heart slowly breaking as she searched the house for any sign of her and found none.

  She slowly climbed the stairs, dazed by the sudden severing of their relationship, and collapsed on her bed. She sat motionless for several minutes as she tried to digest the fact that Nikki was gone, and understand why. She looked around the room and felt the tears well up in her eyes when they came to rest on a piece of paper lying on her pillow. She reached over and gingerly picked it up, afraid of what was written on it. The tears spilled over and slowly ran down her cheeks as she read the letter.

  Alex,

  I'm a coward to have left when you were gone, but knew I wouldn't be able to face you, since you are my greatest weakness. I know this may be difficult to understand, but I love you. I just can't deal with the secrets and lies anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one that doesn't know who you are. Complete strangers know more about you than I do. I refused to go behind your back to find out with the hopes that you would tell me yourself. Yet here we are nearly four months later, and you still refuse to tell me things. I can't take it anymore, I'm sorry. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that Rachel can help you. Please don't call. Good-bye, Alex. – Nikki

  Alex clutched the letter to her chest as she openly wept, curling into a ball on the bed as she wondered how she was going to survive without Nikki in her life.

  Nikki had been gone for several weeks and refused to return any of Alex's phone calls. She had finally resigned herself to the fact that she'd lost her, and was destined to be alone. The pain of losing her was unbearable, and seeing Dani made it worse. She slowly pushed Dani away as her pain overwhelmed her. She still saw Rachel professionally, but they never discussed Nikki or her family. Seeing Rachel reminded her of everything she'd lost, and it hurt too much to continue.

  She cried when she made the decision to sever her professional relationship with Rachel. As she wept, she realized she needed to tell her story. There were people in the world that needed to know they were not the only one suffering through abuse. Maybe her story could help someone survive the hell they were in, and make it out the other side. She hoped it would help Nikki understand her as well, even if there was no chance of getting her back.

  Alex brushed away her tears and headed into the office. She opened up her laptop, and ignoring her emails, began to write. While she'd never written a non-fiction story before, the words flowed from her fingertips. She was startled from her thoughts by a h
and on her shoulder. She looked up through tear filled eyes into Rachel's concerned face, and blinked several times as she tried to focus.

  "Alex, are you okay?"

  She looked back down at her computer and saw she'd already typed several thousand words in just a few short hours. She saved the file and turned on the screen saver before turning back to Rachel. "I'm fine, Doc. Just writing some thoughts down." She watched as Rachel sat down in the old wingback chair in the corner. "I'm glad you're here." She pulled her checkbook from the drawer and quickly wrote out a check. "This is for your services. I tried to total up the hours spent, but I'm not sure if I got it right. Please let me know if I owe you more."

  Rachel looked down at the check and nearly gasped at the amount. She tried to give it back, but Alex wouldn't take it. "I told you that you don't owe me for our sessions. Besides, this is far too much."

  "Consider it a bonus then. The payment will help ensure the doctor patient confidentiality agreement is in place and will remain that way." She saw the hurt in Rachel's eyes and looked away. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I appreciate it."

  "Are you firing me?"

  Alex's emotions welled up, and she swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. "This is our last session."

  "Why?" Alex stood and walked out the door, leaving Rachel scrambling to follow. "Tell me, Alex. You owe me that much."

  Alex turned and said, "Do you know why I don't want to see Lexi?" Rachel shook her head. "Because every time I look at her I see what my mother should be. Lexi, more than any of the others, reminds me of exactly what I lost." Her heart ached at the pain that was now evident in every fiber of Alex's being. "Do you know what I see when I look at you or Dani?" As understanding dawned in Rachel's eyes, she nodded. "Exactly. It hurts, Rachel, and I don't want to hurt anymore." She continued on towards the front door as she followed slowly behind.

  "You've not lost us, Alex, we're still here and we still care about you."