Love Me

by Phylicia Joannis

  Chapter Ten

  Bad Decisions

  “Tammie!” Max shouts her name in the hallway. It’s become their regular meeting place.

  Tammie turns and smiles. Max practically skips to her side, scooping her up in an affectionate hug.

  “Max,” Tammie looks around, embarrassed at the sudden display of affection. Max sets her down apologetically, recognizing her discomfort.

  “Sorry,” he says sheepishly. “I just missed you yesterday. You bolted on me before I could tell you I was grounded.”

  “Grounded?” Tammie looks at him, surprised. “What for?”

  “Skipping school,” Max states simply. “Apparently, I got caught. I don’t know how yet, but between Mr. Kent’s expertise as an officer of the law and my troublesome gift for looking guilty, I was busted as soon as I walked through the door.”

  Tammie remembers her blunder and frowns. “Max, I am so sorry,” she says emphatically.

  Max shrugs. “It’s okay, Tammie. It’s not that big a deal.”

  Tammie shakes her head. “No, you don’t understand. I called you about a half hour after you left. Mr. Kent picked up the phone, and I wasn’t thinking that he’d figure out that you weren’t at school. I’m so sorry, Max, it’s all my fault.”

  Max raises his eyebrows. “Hmm, that would explain why he asked me flat out if I skipped school the minute I got in. I couldn’t lie to him, but I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about you, either.”

  Tammie bites her lip. “How long are you grounded for?”

  Max laughs. “Well it’s definitely not for life; just the rest of the week, Tammie. Don’t worry about it.”

  “I’m so stupid,” Tammie frowns. “And there I was yesterday going on and on about me and Devon, never once thinking about how things went for you.”

  “I understand,” Max reassures her. “You were excited. And besides, you have more important things to take care of than me.” Max glances at her stomach, which is taking on a more rounded shape.

  “Yeah,” Tammie begins to tear. “Yesterday, Devon and I were talking about,” Tammie glances around to see if anyone is nearby, “we talked about the baby.”

  “What did you two talk about?” Max asks, leaning on the wall as they speak.

  “What to do with the baby,” she replies. “I told him I need time to think.”

  Max nods, furrowing his brow in thought.

  “Tammie?” he speaks hesitantly. Tammie responds with a quiet glance.

  “Have you been to a doctor?” Max asks. “I mean, I don’t know much about babies, but I know there are a lot of hospital visits involved.”

  Tammie isn’t expecting his question. “Well, I… no. I mean, won’t they tell my parents if I’m pregnant?”

  Max shakes his head. “I don’t think so, at least not without your permission. Besides, I think you should tell your mom anyway.”

  Tammie immediately shakes her head. “No way!”

  “Tammie,” Max protests.

  “No, Max!” Tammie hisses. “I can’t do that! You don’t know what it would do to my mother if she found out I was… I just can’t, okay?”

  “Okay, okay,” Max places his hand on hers to calm her. “But still, you should see a doctor. You’re pretty pregnant already, right?”

  “What?” Tammie is momentarily confused. “Oh, I think I’m ten or twelve weeks.”

  “Okay, so three months, roughly,” Max calculates. “By three months your baby should already be in fetus form, reproductive organs will be visible, and he, or she, should be about the size of your middle finger.”

  Tammie gives him a surprised look. “I thought you didn’t know much about this stuff.”

  Max shrugs. “I guess I’ve picked up some things at the children’s hospital. But seriously Tammie, there are medicines and vitamins you should be taking to make sure your baby is healthy.”

  Tammie shakes her head. “Max, I don’t even know if I’m going to have this baby.”

  “Oh,” Max pauses. “I didn’t realize you were considering abortion.”

  “I’m considering everything, Max,” Tammie sighs, exasperated. “I have no idea how I’m going to take care of a baby.”

  “I understand,” Max speaks softly. “I’m sorry, but I just assumed abortion wouldn’t be an option for you.”

  “Why, because I’m a Christian?” Tammie scoffs.

  “Well, yeah,” Max answers honestly.

  “Would a Christian have gotten pregnant out of wedlock, too?” Tammie speaks with an edge of sarcasm. “I got pregnant, Max. You have no idea what that means in my world.”

  Max shakes his head. “You’re right, I don’t, Tammie. I do know, however, that making a mistake, even a big one like getting pregnant, doesn’t mean that you’re not a Christian anymore. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love you anymore, or that you’re worth less than anybody else. It just means that you made a mistake, same as every other human being on the planet.”

  Tammie shakes her head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Max shrugs. “Maybe not. I’m sorry I upset you, Tammie, but I have to ask. Do you really think abortion is an option for you?”

  Tammie looks at Max, expecting to find some degree of judgment in his deep blue eyes. She finds none; instead she sees caring, and compassion. Tammie shakes her head.

  “No, I don’t see myself doing that to my baby. It’s not the baby’s fault I messed up. It’s mine.”

  Max grabs her chin gently. “In that case, maybe you should look at other options? At the very least see a doctor and start taking better care of yourself. You’re way too skinny.”

  Tammie snorts. “Your sarcasm knows no bounds, Max.”

  Max gives her a confused look.

  “Too skinny is nowhere near a definition for me,” Tammie continues.

  “Tammie, what are you talking about?” Max shakes his head. “You’ve lost a lot of weight, and you should be gaining.”

  “I’m not even close to my target weight,” Tammie protests.

  “What is your target weight, Tammie?” Max laughs. “You can’t be more than 120 pounds.”

  “Last time I checked, I was 140,” Tammie grimaces. “A fat blob, for sure.”

  Max shakes his head. “I’ll never understand you girls and your weight issues. You looked fine to me before, and you look okay to me now, except for the, you know, bony protrusions.”

  “What bony protrusions?” Tammie frowns.

  “In your face,” Max treads lightly. “You’ve lost some of the softness in your face.”

  “I have?” Tammie touches her face. “Max, do you think people can tell I’m pregnant?”

  Max shakes his head. “No, but anyone who pays attention long enough can tell you’re hurting. Promise me you’ll go to the doctor, Tammie? Please?”

  Tammie nods. “I promise, Maxie.”

  Max smiles at the nickname and gives her another hug before they head their separate ways.

  •••

  “Hey, Tams,” Devon greets Tammie with a brief kiss after school. Tammie smiles at him and returns his greeting with a hug.

  “Hey babe,” she speaks softly in his ear.

  “Walk with me a moment?” Devon asks quietly, holding out his hand. Tammie nods and accepts his outstretched hand. They make their way to the student parking lot until they reach Devon’s car. Devon leans against the door, watching Tammie carefully. Tammie smiles nervously at him.

  “So are you going to tell me what this is about, or are you going to stare me to death?” Tammie jokes.

  Devon frowns. “Tammie, let me start by telling you that what I’m about to say may make me sound like a jealous boyfriend. If it sounds like that I’m sorry, but the truth is, I am a jealous boyfriend.”

  “Okay,” Tammie says tentatively.

  “A friend of mine saw you with some white guy, and he said you were crying all over him. Now, I want to know who this guy is, and why you were with him.”
Devon is looking at the ground, and not at Tammie.

  “Wow,” Tammie’s temper flares. She doesn’t appreciate being spied on. “You mind telling me who this friend is?” Tammie’s lip forms a tight line.

  “That’s not the issue here, Tammie,” Devon waves her question away. “You and I have been on very shaky ground, and I don’t want to find out that you’ve been playing me.”

  “Whoa, wait a minute,” Tammie is livid. “Not two days ago you told me you knew I’d never cheat on you. Now you’re asking me if I’m playing you? Where is this coming from?”

  “Tammie, calm down,” Devon shakes his head. “Listen, just answer the questions, ok? I’m not accusing you of anything, I just need to know. For my own peace of mind.”

  Tammie sighs. “Max is a friend from church. He just moved, so he’s going to Wellis now. We’ve been helping each other out with our transitions. He’s just a friend, Devon.”

  “You’re sure?” Devon presses. “Because I saw you hanging with him a lot when we weren’t together. I saw you with him so much I began to wonder if you missed me at all. That’s why it took me so long to call.”

  “Devon, please,” Tammie rolls her eyes. “Max is just a friend.”

  “Well, okay,” Devon clears his throat. “So what were you and your ‘friend’ talking about?”

  “That’s something I did want to talk to you about,” Tammie grabs his hands. “Devon, about the baby-”

  “What about the baby?” Devon asks defensively.

  “Are you sure you’re willing to stick by me no matter what happens?” Tammie watches him.

  “Of course!” Devon replies without hesitating. “Why would I be here if I wasn’t sure? Aren’t you sure you’re willing to stick by me?”

  “Yes, of course,” Tammie speaks, exasperated. “It’s just that Max and I were talking, and he made me realize that we’re moving too fast. This is a really big commitment.”

  “You and Max?” Devon looks at her cautiously. “Does Max know about the baby?”

  Tammie is quiet. She nods yes.

  “And he’s concerned about you and the baby?” Devon scoffs.

  “He cares about what happens to me, yes,” Tammie replies.

  “Tell you what, Tammie,” Devon lifts himself off the car and opens the door. “Why don’t you and Max go figure out how to get through the rest of your lives, and you can call me when you two come up with a plan.” Devon gets in, starts the car and puts it in gear.

  “Devon!” Tammie rolls her eyes. “Devon, it’s not like that at all. Max and I are just friends.”

  “No guy just wants to be friends with a girl, Tammie,” Devon shakes his head.

  Tammie places her hand on his shoulder. The muscles around his neck are tense. “Devon, turn the car off and listen.”

  Devon frowns, but he puts the car back in park and turns toward Tammie.

  “Max is not more important to me than you are. He was there when I needed someone to talk to, but that’s it.”

  “Then why not come to me?” Devon whines.

  “I just…” Tammie shakes her head. “I just got you back, Devon. You said so yourself, we’re on shaky ground. I wasn’t comfortable with coming to you for a long time, and we just got back together. I promise, I will come to you with my problems from now on, though, if that’s what you want. Whatever it takes.”

  Devon looks down in thought. “Tammie, I don’t like you seeing other guys.”

  “Max and I aren’t seeing each other, Devon,” Tammie explains.

  “Even so,” Devon shakes his head. “I can’t stand to lose you, Tammie. I’m sorry I’m so jealous, but if this is going to work, you’ve got to respect my feelings on this.”

  “You’re right, and I’m sorry,” Tammie concedes. “From now on, I won’t hang out with Max, and you will stop this jealous boyfriend nonsense. Deal?”

  Devon looks at Tammie and smiles. “Deal.”

  “So, are we okay?” Tammie asks.

  “Come to my house and I’ll show you,” Devon smiles and gets out of his car to open the passenger door for Tammie. Once she is inside, he goes back to his seat and drives off.

  •••

  When Tammie arrives home late that evening, her mother is sitting in the living room. As soon as she sees Tammie, she rises and marches towards her.

  “Where have you been?” her mother asks accusingly.

  Tammie feels her blood rise. “What do you mean?”

  “Little girl, you see what time it is?" If it were possible, smoke would come out of her mother’s ears. "What could possibly be keeping you out until this time of night?”

  “I’m sorry, mom, I lost track of time, okay?” Tammie huffs and heads to her room.

  “Oh, no, not so fast,” her mother grabs her arm. “You’re going to tell me right now what you’ve been up to. Is it that little white boy I saw you with a few days ago? Hm? Answer me, Tammie! You tell me if you’re using!”

  “Using?” Tammie gawks at her mother’s accusation. “Mom, are you out of your mind? No, I’m not using!” Tammie rolls her eyes. “I was with Devon.”

  “Devon?” her mother is puzzled.

  Tammie freezes, realizing her mistake. She tries to sound normal as she makes up an excuse. “Yes, Devon and I decided to get back together. We were talking and we lost track of time, mama.”

  Her mother blows out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God. So you and Devon are back together, huh? Baby, that’s great!”

  Tammie smiles nervously. “Yeah, it is.”

  Her mother laughs. “And here I was thinking you’d run off with that little boy and were shooting up or snorting or whatever it is these young kids do nowadays. Thank God I raised you with more sense than that.”

  “Mama,” Tammie protests her description of Max. “Don’t talk about my friend that way; he doesn’t use drugs.”

  Her mother waves the thought away. “Okay, whatever you say, honey. I’m just glad to know you were with Devon and not with him. And why didn’t you tell me you two are back together? You know your grandma has been asking about him, and I didn’t know what to tell her.”

  “You can tell her he’ll be here tomorrow for dinner, that’ll keep her busy and out of your hair,” Tammie suggests.

  “Sounds good to me,” her mother laughs. “And I’m sorry if I was out of place earlier. I just don’t like seeing you around young boys who have nothing better to do than drag a black woman down.”

  “Mama,” Tammie protests again.

  “I know, I know,” her mother waves. “Your friend’s not like that. Invite him over for dinner, then, so I can apologize.”

  “To him?” Tammie asks. “For what?”

  Ms. McLeod smiles sheepishly. “Well, let’s just say I gave him the tiniest bit of a shakedown.”

  “You did what?” Tammie is mortified. “Mom, you didn’t…”

  “Like I said, invite him to dinner and I’ll apologize,” she replies dismissively.

  Tammie shakes her head. “It’s a wonder I have any friends at all,” she mumbles.