You'll Never Lose Me (The Never Series Book 4)

by B C Morgan

  We end up in a little park and sit down upon one of the benches. It isn’t too crowded at this time and it feels rather peaceful as well. Elijah is staring off into the distance, while refusing to release my hand from his own. I should try to pull away but I’m weak and I can’t bring myself to do it.

  “Jason wasn’t my mum’s first love but he is the reason she decided to try a poly romance, she really did love him and she’d still be with him today if the choice had been up to her,” he’s still staring out at nothing, but there’s a tightness surrounding his eyes that wasn’t there before. “When mum fell pregnant with me she didn’t know who the father was and none of them cared, but they decided to get the paternity test done in case there were any medical issues in the future. When Devlin was announced, she thought everything would stay the same. She was wrong,” he pulls his wallet out and removes a photo before passing it over to me.

  “That’s Jason, the man who said poly amorous was okay and helped them to see the truth in his words, the one who decided that my mother was no longer good enough because he wasn’t my father,” the anger and hatred pouring from him is shocking, I’m not sure how to handle this.

  “That’s why he’s gone, because he wasn’t your father. He walked away?” I’m missing something aren’t I?

  “Do you remember when mum said she couldn’t judge you for going to prison because one of my dad’s has been,” I nod to indicate I do in fact remember and he continues. “Benjamin went to prison for beating Jason into a bloody pulp and leaving him for dead.”

  There is no inflection in his voice, he says it so simply with no sign of having any effect on himself with his own words. Benjamin nearly beat someone to death, that feels so… wrong. He was quiet, sure, but he didn’t come across as the violent type.

  “I didn’t believe it at first either, I remember him not being around when I was really young, but he’s never missed a day since. Violence seems too out of character for him, but there’s a reason why they say ‘it’s always the quiet ones.’ If he hadn’t done it, then Dmitri or Devlin would have and that would be even more shocking if you think about it,” he’s right, out of all of them I would have said Benjamin was more likely purely out of default. The one thing I am confused by though is why he sounds so proud, what did Jason do to deserve just a beating? Surely leaving Elisa wasn't enough cause to do something like that.

  “Why did he do it?” I don’t know what kind of response I’m expecting but I can imagine that Benjamin couldn’t have been in the wrong not with the way everyone was with him.

  “Because Jason tried to kill me and my mum in the process,” his words have made my blood run cold, he can’t be serious. Why would he do that? I was under the impression that he loved her.

  “Okay, I clearly need more information because your words aren’t making a lick of sense,” I’m wrapping my arms around my shoulders, feeling cold all of a sudden, even with the sun kissing my skin.

  “Jason was fine with a poly love in theory, he believed it was normal after seeing how happy it had made his father. The only thing was, I don’t think he realised how hard it could be when it was one woman and multiple men instead of the harem belonging to a man. His dad had no doubt who the father to Jason would be, he fathered six different children with three of his wives,” he’s pausing and I’m sitting here on tenterhooks, I don’t want to rush him but the anticipation is killing me. “It was strange, he could handle mum kissing her other lovers and doing the parts that no child wants to admit their parents do. But when he wasn’t found to be my father he snapped, it wasn’t a sudden change in the least but he was a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off,” he’s gotten to his feet and he’s pacing, this story isn’t doing much to instil faith on this multiple boyfriend thing I have going on.

  “Most of this is speculation, I wasn’t there to draw my own conclusions and I only have what I’ve been told to go on. However, as far as I know none of my parents have ever lied to me and I’m not going to start doubting that fact now,” he’s struggling to get through this, maybe I should let him off and just forget he ever said anything about this estranged guy.

  “Benjamin came home to the sound of crashing from her bedroom, he ran upstairs thinking that she may have fallen over or something, only what he found was much worse. My mum was lying on her bed with blood pooling around her and Jason was standing over her with a knife poised over her stomach. He saw red, literally,” he lets out a dark, humourless laugh as he says this before shaking his head and returning his gaze to the distance. “My mum was 30 weeks pregnant at the time and the trauma nearly killed us both, I had to be born that day and spent two months of my life in NICU. He tried to stab me with the knife, but mum turned at the last moment, saving my life. She was on death’s door and her pulse had weakened. Benjamin saved her and my life.”

  “Fuck, I can’t believe it. Out of everything you could have said, I wasn’t expecting that,” I say, utterly gob smacked.

  “Benjamin called the paramedics while he beat the crap out of Jason, the guys turned up just before the ambulance arrived. They tried to stop him, but he was like a wild animal. They tried to get him to hide but he refused, he went to the hospital with my mum and then turned himself in. He even admitted that he would have killed him had he been given the chance, he never should have gone to prison but Jason was a cop and when Ben found out that he had been taken to the same hospital, well let's just say he tried to finish the job. Fucking irony for you, he was holed up in a hospital for months before he was arrested and paid his dues,” his shoulders sag and he seems lighter somehow. I think he’s relieved that he’s shared the story, and I didn’t even realise I had taken hold of his hand until he starts squeezing it.

  We both look down at our joined hands and as it sinks in I realise, I’m not ready for this, as my skin breaks out in a cold sweat and I start to shake and hyperventilate. I don’t mean to make him feel bad by pulling away, but he doesn’t understand what I’ve been through or how Dante and Fin have messed me up.

  “What, you can’t even handle my touch now? Okay, well I guess I should just leave you be,” his voice is thick as he says this and stands up, brushing off invisible lint from his jeans.

  “It isn’t like that Elijah, I can’t handle it from anyone. Noah and Harrison have been trying to help me for months and it’s only just started to ease up with them. Anyone else, and a simple brush of the hand sends me right back down into that basement. So don’t make this about you, it’s about them,” I never pegged him as a self-centred arsehole, but then again I should have already realised just how little I know these guys.

  “Do you hate me Henleigh?” That’s throwing me for a six, what’s with the sudden change or maybe he’s doing it because of the way my voice wavered as I spoke about my new found aversion to physical touch.

  “I could never hate you, I love you Eli,” a heavy sigh passes my lips as I catch his gaze and hold it captive with my own. “I just don’t know what that means anymore or if it could be enough to fix everything that’s gone down between us. I hate that you’ve slept with someone else, even though I have no right to. I slept with Harrison and Noah, but I didn’t just move on, it took a while to open myself up to Harrison and see him in a different light. If that was the only thing between us, maybe love could be enough, but I can’t trust you,” I say, as I stand up and take a few backward steps.

  “Why can’t you trust me?” he asks, he sounds so oblivious and I want to punch him, I haven’t had a reaction like that in a while. It feels good.

  “Because you gave Amias the means to follow me, you invaded my privacy and stalked me, that isn’t something I can easily forgive,” I have nothing more to say right now, I need to leave and I’m done with talking to him.

  I can’t even look back as I walk away and refuse to look back, even as he calls my name. I can stay strong, but the way his voice breaks is gutting me and if he calls me one more time, I think I may falter.

  “Henlei
gh.”

  “Just let me go Elijah,” I say, tears staining my cheeks and threatening to drown me under the intensity of my sadness.

  “I gave up on you and that is the biggest mistake I have ever made, I won’t do that again. I’m going to fight for you Hen and I won’t stop until you show me I have fucked things up for good or you see that we make sense and you can no longer hold me back. I love you and I’m ready to start showing you,” my tears are falling harder and I know he wants to wipe them away but he doesn't try to come any closer. Instead he’s smiling weakly at me, before turning around and walking away.

  THE GIRLS HAVE SETTLED in nicely, but they’ve brought so much stuff I'm starting to wonder if they’re going to leave once the weekend is up. I love these girls but I do enjoy my solitude and I doubt I’m going to get any with them here. Does that make me a bitch? Do I even care if it does?

  We spend the rest of the evening lying on the living room floor with a ton of fluffy blankets and overstuffed pillows, they’re watchful to not touch me and I love them even more for it. We’re watching random crap on the tv, I don’t even know what’s on but the company is nice and hearing them talk about their drama is a welcome distraction from my own.

  “Get this, Declan proposed,” Roxie suddenly exclaims, before scoffing and throwing herself onto the pillows.

  “What did you say?” asks Bella, squealing as she bounces up and down on her knees.

  “I said no of course, I love the guy but I’m not ready for that. I want to live a little and enjoy my youth, he wasn’t over the moon about my response but I think he gets it. I still want to be with him,” she says as she picks at her nails, and I can’t believe I never saw it before, she’s scared. She thinks she may lose him and she’s acting all cool and unaffected but I can see right through it, why can’t the other two. Seeing as they’ve known her longer than I have.

  “He loves you, I can’t see him walking away just because you said no. He knows you’re crazy about him, don’t worry,” I don’t know if my words are having the intended effect but she is smiling before quizzing Mikaela on her college and if there are any cute boys who may have caught her attention. Bella just sits there, bouncing as she listens, but her eyes are slightly glazed and I have the feeling that she is a million miles away.

  I can’t help but stretch out as I blink my eyes open and let out an almighty yawn, the others have clearly passed out at some point too so I don’t feel too bad abandoning them down here and going to my bed. The only thing is, I don’t want to be alone, I want to be with my guys. I wish I knew if that still only applies to Noah and H, but whether it does or doesn’t, they are the only guys I need, I’ll never be left wanting with them around.

  I move slowly, trying not to disturb them, when a phone screen lights up and vibrates across the table. It’s so close to the edge that I can’t help imagining it falling and breaking the screen. I have no intention of reading the message or anything, but I cannot believe my eyes as it lights up once again and the message swims before my eyes. I lay it back down quickly before running up the stairs and disappearing into my room and getting changed.

  I really don’t want to be alone, especially after what I just saw, maybe I got it wrong though. I mean, I did read it out of context and it could have been from anyone, be that as it may, it won’t stop me from watching to see who is holding that phone come morning.

  I open the door and poke my head inside and he’s there, sitting in his bed staring right at me. A smile is gracing his face as he flips a corner of the duvet open and pats the spot behind him.

  “Is this okay?” I ask, as I lie down and rest my head on his chest, his wraps his arm around me gently and I only flinch a little this time.

  “You never need to ask me that woman, I’d have you in my bed every damn night if I could,” H says with a wicked grin and I can’t help but return it with a smile of my own before dropping a kiss onto his mouth and relaxing more.

  “Thank you for, well just being you,” I say, peering up at him through my lashes and I can’t help but stare at his lips as his tongue darts out to wet them.

  No matter what happens, I always seem to want them, I hope that feeling never goes away. I kiss him again as he hovers over me slightly and doesn’t pull away until my lips are bruised and I’m struggling to remember my name. The power of his kisses, jeez this guy could rule the world.

  WAKING up in H’s arms is amazing, I feel warm, safe and loved. It’s almost enough to make me forget all about the text I saw last night, almost.

  You’re in prime position, do not fail.

  I mean, there’s nothing to say it was about me. The problem is, I can’t ignore the twisting in my gut or the dread that is filling me. The easy thing to do, would be to call Devon and ask him to look into it. It’s not that simple though, what if I’m wrong and jumping to conclusions? I have no idea what he will stop at to keep me safe and I won’t bring him down upon my friends.

  I’ll just keep an eye on them and see how it goes, none of them are acting any different or suspiciously. Maybe I should try and give them a chance and stop expecting everyone to betray me.

  Speak of the devil.

  “Hey Devy,” I say as I slide out of bed and slip into H’s bathroom.

  “Little sister, you never called,” I can hear the annoyance as clear as day in his gruff voice, but I know it comes from a place of love. “I’m doing as you asked and leaving you be, but you have to keep up your end of the bargain too or I will go out of my mind. And we both know you don't want me turning up on your doorstep,” with Devon I have to take him at his word. If he says he’ll do something, then he will.

  I already knew the truth in that statement but El’s journal is only proving it more, I have to choose my words carefully and not give him more incentive to turn up unannounced.

  “I’m sorry Devy, I could feed you half truths and say I’ve been wrapped up in my studies and finding a way to repair my relationships with Noah and Harrison,” does he have to growl every time I say their names? “I won’t do that though, honestly I didn’t ring because I didn’t want to talk to you,” the last part comes out in a rush and I hate myself for saying it. Yes it's true, but I bloody love the great big oaf, even if we no longer know each other.

  “You cut me little Hen, but I appreciate the honesty. I’ll leave you be for now, but this is the only time I will let you get away with not checking in,” his deep, gruff voice washes over me. I can hear the pain, even though he’s trying to keep it from me.

  “Devy wait,” I can hear his loud sigh and he hasn’t disconnected the call so, I guess that means he’s waiting for me to say whatever it was that made me stop him from hanging up on me. “I still want you in my life, we lost so many people that we loved that day. Let’s not lose each other as well, we just need to figure out how to be a part of one another’s life again,” I say it softly, the weight of my words holding me under, threatening to drown me in my insecurities. Please say something.

  “Promise?” that’s all he says, and that’s all he needs to. I know what he’s asking with that one word, for me to say that I won’t turn my back on him. I won’t run away and leave his life for good, that I’ll accept him for who he is without the fear. Just like I used to when I was a little girl.

  “I promise big brother, now you promise me the same,” my voice is filled with a resolve made of steel, I need him just as much as he needs me but I’m prepared to let him go.

  “I promise little Hen, but I’m still going to keep you safe. I don’t think we’re out of the woods just yet,” this is the most unsure I have ever heard him and it’s causing fear to climb up my spine and wrap its icy tendrils around my heart.

  “Why do you say that?” I ask, my voice shaking and my body trembling so much I don’t know how I haven’t dropped my phone yet.

  “Dante escaped.”

  Two simple words is all it takes to knock me off kilter, someone is screaming but I’m so disconnected that I can’t ev
en tell that it’s coming from me. It’s not even a nonsensical sound, it’s the same word over and over again, “no.”

  SEVEN

  IT’S BEEN two weeks since Devon dropped that huge, fuck of a bombshell on my shoulders. Noah took it upon himself to talk to Devon, once Harrison had scooped me up and deposited me back into his bed. Only this time his hugs couldn’t chase the fear back into its personal corner within my mind, I don’t think anything can. Even now, with the girls leaving under protest and Harrison taking yet more time off from work and college—how hasn’t he been fired yet is beyond me—nothing is working to make me feel better.

  “I think you should go,” Noah’s words are so out of the blue, that I can’t figure out what he could mean, even Harrison is looking at him as though he’s grown another head or explained the existence of everything.

  “Come again buddy,” Harrison says, setting breakfast down in front of me, even though we both know I’m going to push it around my plate for a few minutes before it finds its way in the bin.

  “I think you should go away with the girls, get away from this place and all the stress and have some fun. However, I don’t think we should come with you,” shut the front door, is this some weird arse attempt at dumping me?

  “You tosser, that’s how you dump a girl,” I say, just short of screeching it out at him.

  His face is a mosaic of varying emotions, in a relative quick succession he goes from, confused, to dumbfounded, to utter blind panic where he grabs my hands and pulls me out of my chair and into his waiting embrace.

  “That was not what I meant,” his tone is high and panic stricken as he holds onto me tightly. “I only meant that you need time with the girls without us hovering, but we’ll only be a phone call away and we’ll be with you in no time at all should you choose to make that call. You can’t get rid of me,” Harrison smacks him across the back of his head, making me smirk. “Ow, fine you can’t get rid of ‘us,’ haven’t we made that clear to you yet?”