She went quiet and I ran my hand up and down her arm, trying to soothe her anger at herself. “Most of the time, I dream about that knife slicing into my skin, the pain and the fear of knowing what he was going to do to me. He actually brought out a mirror and had me hold it up so that I could watch what he was doing. I keep wondering if I had had my shit together if I could have found a way to escape. And I hate that I have to live with these nightmares because I didn’t use my training.”
Neither of us said anything as we laid there in the dark. When morning came, I saw a beautiful, strong woman beside me that I craved more than anything in a long time. I slid between her thighs as she wrapped her arms around my back, pulling her in close to me. Every thrust, every moan drove me closer and closer to the realization that this woman would not be someone I could shake off so easily. She was quickly becoming ingrained in my soul and healing my shattered heart.
I rested my head against her chest as my breathing slowed to an even beat. I slid off her and laid next to her stomach, trailing my fingers over her toned abs. “Everything about you is so fucking gorgeous,” I murmured as my hand slid down her hip. It wasn’t sexual. I just wanted to touch her everywhere, feel her smooth skin under my fingertips.
“Even with the scar that I wear like a crown?” she asked sarcastically.
“Well, that’s fucking hideous,” I laughed and she shoved at my shoulder. I cringed and held onto my shoulder like I had been deeply wounded. “Why do you even care? It’s hardly noticeable anymore.”
“Because people stare. It’s not something I can hide unless I get bangs and trust me, that’s not a good look on me.”
“Fuck people. Who cares what they think? They don’t know what happened and they don’t really care. People want to pretend like they know what’s going on in someone else’s world, like they understand what everyone else is going through. Most people don’t have a fucking clue.”
“Do your friends?” she asked as her fingers slid through my hair.
“I don’t know,” I said softly. “I think they mean well. They’re always there for me, but there are times that I just want to yell at them for being so fucking insensitive about something. And then there are other times that I want to strangle them for walking on eggshells around me. It’s a fucking crapshoot. I never know what’s going to set me off and when it’ll happen.”
“So, what you’re saying is that you’re really like a woman and you can’t make up your mind what you feel.”
I looked up at her and grinned at her ability to break the tension in the room. “Are you calling me a girl? Was what I did to you last night and this morning not manly enough? Because I can give it the old college try if you need more proof.”
She squealed as I dove between her legs and threw them over my shoulder, sucking at her clit like my life depended on it. The sound of car doors slamming had me jerking upright in bed and tripping over the sheets to get to the window.
“Fuck, my son’s home.”
“Oh, God. I didn’t even think about him. Where was he?”
“His grandparents had him for the weekend. They weren’t supposed to be back until tonight. Why don’t they ever fucking call ahead?” I muttered to myself, thinking of when they had come home early when I had been fucking Cassie up against the window. I shook that thought from my head as I pulled on a pair of pants and a shirt. When I looked over, Lola was already dressed and was fixing her hair. Damn, I loved a woman that didn’t take forever to get ready.
“Do you want me to hide or something?”
“No,” I said, not even sure why it slipped out of my mouth so easily. “They know I’m not a fucking saint.”
“But your son…”
Fuck, I didn’t even think about how this would affect him. I should have thought about this before I brought her back here. I was such a fucking asshole.
“No,” I didn’t want her to think that she was someone I had to hide. Especially since she was already insecure about her appearance. “It’ll be fine. It’s not like we’re in the middle of sex right now.”
I grabbed her hand and pulled her out into the foyer just as the door opened. James stepped inside and looked at me and then Lola, calculating what was going on. His grandparents were stopped behind him, staring at me like I was an aberration. I cleared my throat and they’re eyes snapped from my hand firmly clasped around Lola’s to my face.
“Hey, little man. How was the weekend?”
“Dad, I’m almost sixteen. When are you gonna stop the little man shit?”
“When you’re thirty or forty.”
“Who’s your friend?” he jerked his chin at Lola, his eyes wandering down to where my hand was connected to hers.
“This is Lola. Lola, this is my son, James, and his grandparents, Calvin and Jane Crawford. Cassie’s parents.”
I looked over to see Lola rubbing at the scar on her forehead before she pasted on a fake smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”
I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Stop touching it. You’re fucking beautiful.”
Her face blushed bright red and she bit her lip. I wanted to suck that lip into my mouth right now, but that would be inappropriate in front of my dead wife’s parents.
“So, are you in the army or something?” James asked as he took in her camo pants and black t-shirt.
“I used to be. Now I work for Reed Security.”
“With Sebastian?” His eyes went wide and flicked to mine. “That’s so cool. Do you think I could go with you sometime and practice at the gun range?”
“James,” I scolded.
“That depends,” Lola stepped in, completely ignoring me. She crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. “Do you know how to shoot a weapon?”
“Dad’s been taking me paintballing for the last six years.”
“Is that so?” She looked over at me like she didn’t know what to say.
“It’s true. The kid took out Sebastian and his whole team the first time we played together. He’s pretty good. Stealthy.”
James grinned at my praise, but his eyes remained on Lola. “So?”
“I think we could work something out. But in order to use the range, you have to pass the training course first. My rules.”
“As long as Dad has to do it with me. I don’t mind going up against him and whipping his ass.”
“James,” Jane scolded.
“Do you want to see my paintball gun collection?”
“Sure, kid.”
He ignored the kid comment and led her downstairs to where we stored all the paintball gear. I looked up at Jane and Calvin, not sure what they would think or say.
“She seems nice,” Calvin said after a minute.
“Is this serious?” Jane asked suddenly.
I rubbed the back of my neck as I blew out a breath. “Look, I don’t know what this is exactly. I didn’t mean for you two to meet her already. I just didn’t realize that you would be back so early.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Calvin said sheepishly. “It seems we have great timing when it comes to you and your sexual encounters.”
Jane smacked his arm and I winced, not really wanting to talk about sexual encounters with him.
“Look, I know this is probably…strange.”
“You with a woman?” Cal said. “Yeah, that’s pretty strange.”
I hung my head and sighed. I felt so terrible, but I didn’t know how to describe this to them. Hell, I didn’t even know what it was.
“It’s okay, Ryan,” Jane said gently. She placed her hand on my forearm and I looked up into her tear-filled eyes. “We didn’t expect you to stay single forever. It’s been almost five years.”
“Cassie wouldn’t like knowing that you’ve been sleeping around anyway,” Cal muttered. “That’s not who you were with her.”
I blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill down my face and rubbed at the ever present ache in my chest. “I just miss her so much. It’s h
ard to breathe sometimes.”
“We know,” Jane said. “But you can’t put your life on hold for someone who’s not coming back. Besides, what kind of example does that set for James? He needs to see you happy.”
“When’s it going to get easier?”
“Give it time,” Cal said.
I laughed as I shook my head. “Time. I’ve given it five fucking years and this morning was the first morning that I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat thinking about Cassie. What am I supposed to do? Kidnap Lola and keep her locked in my room?”
“It’s an idea,” Jane said lightly. “But I don’t think she’d go for that. She doesn’t strike me as the type to let a man take control.”
“Uh…Jane, that’s a little too much.”
“What? I’m a woman. Maybe you need a woman’s perspective.”
“Not from my mother-in-law.”
“I think we’ve definitely shared enough over the years that me saying something like that shouldn’t faze you at all,” she grinned.
“Whatever you decide, son, we’re behind you. We just want you and our grandson to be happy. Just make sure you break it to James the right way.”
“I don’t want him to think I’m replacing his mother.”
“He won’t think that,” Jane said. “Just explain it to him like you have everything else in his life. You have a way with him. That kid has always taken everything you’ve said like it was straight out of the Bible. There’s one other thing though.”
“What’s that?”
She looked at Cal and nodded. “You’re supposed to be teaching that kid to drive. He’s got his permit and you haven’t been taking him out, so I did it.”
“He doesn’t need to drive,” I snapped. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Were you planning on never letting him drive?” Cal asked. “Do you really think that’ll keep him safe? He’ll just end up getting a ride from some asshole kid that drives like a lunatic and he’ll get himself killed. Is that what you want?”
“Of course not,” I said angrily.
“You can’t protect him from everything. Cassie didn’t die because she didn’t know how to drive. She died because of someone else’s mistake.” Cal gripped onto my shoulder and gave me a slight shake. “Teach him what he needs to know so that he’s not a fucking idiot when he gets behind the wheel. And then pray like hell that what you’ve taught him is enough.”
I knew he was right, but I didn’t want to teach him to drive. I wanted him to go back to being the little kid that I first met six years ago. I was never prepared to be a single father. I was never prepared to be a father to a kid that wasn’t biologically mine. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I was so fucking scared that I was going to screw him up and Cassie would be shaking her head at me from heaven.
“Dad, Lola said that we can go to her work next weekend and run the course.”
I grinned and nodded at Lola. Every time I looked at that kid, I still saw the ten year old boy and not the man he was becoming. Cal was right, I needed to get my head out of my ass and prepare him for life. He already experienced more than any kid should have to at his age.
James said goodbye to his grandparents and then we all stood in this uncomfortable silence in the foyer. “So, I’m going to take Lola home. Why don’t you finish up any schoolwork you have?”
“So, are you two like together?” James asked, totally ignoring what I said.
“Uh…”
“We’re…”
Lola and I both fumbled for something to tell the kid, but we hadn’t even had a chance to talk things over yet.
James nodded and jerked his thumb for the stairs. “I’m gonna do my homework. See you next weekend, Lola.” He ran up the stairs and I quickly grabbed my keys, wanting to get the hell out of there. Lola followed me out and as we pulled out of the driveway, I blew out a harsh breath and glanced over at her.
“So, what are we doing?”
“I don’t know, Ryan. What are we doing?”
“That’s not an answer,” I pointed out.
“Well, I like you. I feel good when I’m with you.”
“Wow, a winning endorsement if I ever heard one,” I said sarcastically.
“Well, it’s not as if there’s a rule book for how to handle this. I’m sure this is awkward for you, especially with your in-laws showing up right when we were about to have sex.”
“Yeah, they have a way of doing that,” I laughed.
“So, this has happened with other women you’ve brought home?”
“I’ve never brought another woman home. Nobody except Cassie,” I said quietly.
“You know, you can talk about her to me. It’s not weird. She was a part of your life and I don’t expect you to just stop thinking or talking about her. Okay, that’s a lie. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t think about her when we have sex.”
“I can guarantee that when I’m inside you, you’re all I’m thinking about,” I smirked.
“Then there’s no problem.”
“So, what do you want to do then?”
“Why don’t we just take it one day at a time?” she said. “I don’t know if this will go anywhere and I know we have to be careful with James in the picture. I’m not even sure that you’re ready to move on.”
“I’m not sure either,” I admitted. “I can tell you that last night was probably the best night I’ve had since she died.”
“Then I’ll see you when I see you,” she said as we pulled into the parking lot of the bar. She moved for the door, but I grabbed onto her arm and pulled her back to me, smashing my mouth against hers. Just the taste of her lips against mine soothed me in a way that I never expected. When she pulled back, I almost grabbed her and asked her to stay with me, but we both needed space right now. I had a son to think about and I couldn’t just thrust another woman into his life without talking to him first.
CHAPTER FIVE
Ryan
WHEN I GOT home, I decided to talk to James, but when I went upstairs, he was busy with homework, so I pushed it off until after dinner. I ordered pizza and we sat down in front of the TV. I had no clue what he was watching. It could have been porn for all I knew, but I was so focused on the right way to approach Lola with him.
I could be a straight shooter with him. It had always worked in the past for me. How would that sound exactly? Son, I’ve been sleeping with this woman to forget your mom and she takes away the pain. I’m going to continue fucking her.
Maybe a little too straight forward.
James, there’s a point in every man’s life where he just wants to get laid.
Who was I kidding? He was probably already at that point and just wasn’t telling me.
Lola and I are screwing. It’s really none of your business, but I wanted you to know.
No, I needed to be sensitive to his feelings. This had to do with his mother more than anything. And Lola was more to me than any other woman I had taken home. I didn’t want him to think that I was only using her for sex.
I’ve been seeing Lola for a few weeks now and I really like her. I’m going to continue seeing her, with your permission. I don’t want you to think that I’m replacing your mother, but it’s been five years and it’s time for me to move on.
Not bad. Technically, I wasn’t seeing Lola, but I wanted to. And asking his permission might be going a little far. Still-
“So, Dad, how did you know you were ready to have sex again after Mom died?” James asked around a piece of pizza. I was currently taking a sip of beer and spit it out all over the place.
“What?”
He rolled his eyes at me. “Come on, Dad. I’m not stupid. I know you’ve been sleeping with other women and I know Lola spent the night last night. I’m just wondering how you knew it was time.”
“Uh…” I blinked several times, trying to get my brain to work around the fact that not only did he know that I was sleeping around, but he was looking to me for advice on tim
ing.
“Because, there’s this girl I really like and I wouldn’t mind dating her and everything, but I think I’m ready for more. Is there a standard waiting time or something?”
“Wait, like, you’re ready for sex? To sleep with her and stuff?” I stuttered, unable to form a coherent thought to save my life. This was worse than when he asked me about why I had a woody in the morning.
“Well, yeah, Dad. I mean, I’m almost sixteen and I want to know what it’s like, other than with my hand.”
“Oh, shit.” I covered my ears and tried to wipe that image from my brain.
“What? You were my age once. You know what it’s like.”
“James, I always had monogamous relationships. I didn’t like sleeping around.”
“Well, you do now,” he snorted.
“That’s a different situation. If your mom hadn’t…If she were still here, I would have been happy with her for the rest of my life.”
“But she’s not and you need a release,” he urged me on.
I pulled at my button down shirt, feeling like it was strangling me all the sudden. “James, don’t you think it’s a little odd to talk about your mom like that?”
“I’m not talking about the two of you having sex. I’m talking about you, man to man. I don’t want to have sex for the first time and not know what I’m doing.”
“Hold that thought.” I stood and went into the kitchen, flushing water on my face. This was all too much. I couldn’t handle this. I picked up my phone and sent an SOS to all the guys, hoping at least one of them would come over and help me out. As luck would have it, every single one of them showed up within ten minutes after I promised beer.
We all stood around my kitchen as I nervously wiped my hands on my pants, glancing into the other room to make sure James was still watching TV.
“What are we doing here?” Logan asked. “You said it was urgent.”
“James wants to know about sex,” I said bluntly.
“So, tell him,” Jack shrugged. “It can’t have been that long since you’ve gotten some. You still know how it works.”
Lola: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 8) Page 7