This Isn't Goodbye

by K. R. Reese

  “Your dad is still there, but I came home early. Mason needed consent for something and talked to us about it the other day.”

  My heart rate increases, my breaths stuttering in my lungs. “What does he need you to sign that I couldn’t have?”

  Mom’s eyes fill with sympathy and I already know the answer before she speaks aloud. “He told you he was enlisting in the Army, right? He was supposed to talk to you awhile back, and I thought he had.” She doesn’t finish her sentence, the envelopes in her hand catching her attention. “Oh, hey, it looks like some of this mail is for you.”

  My gaze catches on two blue envelopes in her hand, and my breaths seize again. My mom hands them over and I dash back to my bedroom. It’s been one month too long without hearing from Cole or Dylan, and they’ve both written me letters.

  I tear open Dylan’s first, anxious to hear what he has to say.

  Chey,

  I can’t believe we’ve been here close to a month. The bus ride here took forever and we weren’t the only two on the bus that had the same destination. I know you haven’t heard from me, and I’m sorry for that. My parents were supposed to tell you that I arrived, and I would talk to you as soon as I could.

  We weren’t allowed to write any letters for the first two weeks. We were up every morning before the sun and didn’t go to bed until long after the sun went down. It seems they motivate us with lack of sleep and promises of days off. Today is one of those days. We aren’t allowed to leave base, but we can hang out and do random shit. Cole’s getting a football team together; it’s about the only thing we have access to do around here.

  Anyway, there’s enough about me. How have you been? Has Mason been keeping you busy? He said he would, but I know he’s still in school and has other priorities right now. I hope you’re doing well, all things considered.

  Have you thought more about school? I know you were undecided when we left, so I’m just curious if you’ve made any decisions.

  Listen, I have to go. But I can’t wait to hear from you. There’s only two months left, then I’ll get to see you again.

  I love you,

  Dylan

  My eyes are filled with tears, but I inhale slowly and remain calm. It sounds like he’s doing good, at least, because I was worried about that.

  I fold his letter and place it beside me on the bed. I decide I need to write him back before I open Cole’s, so I don’t get the two confused. I grab a notebook and pen from my nightstand and try to answer everything he’s asked.

  Dylan,

  It still doesn’t seem real that you’ve been gone for a month. The days seem to blur together anymore, but I think that’s a good thing. It makes the days go faster and slower at the same time. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.

  Your parents told Mason they had talked to you. When you first left, I didn’t leave the house for a few days since I didn’t know what to do, so they hadn’t spoken to me. I’m glad you made it and that you seem to be enjoying your time there.

  How do you function without a proper amount of sleep? I can barely manage on a full night’s sleep, let alone what your schedule seems to be like. The only time I’ve ever woken up before the sun, I think, is when I drove you guys to the bus stop. And that morning came way too early, in my opinion. If it weren’t for Mason beating on my door, I probably would have shut the alarm off and went back to sleep.

  Mason’s been dragging me out of the house every day. On days where I refuse to leave, we’ve played cards and video games, and I even got him to watch a bunch of romantic movies with me. He groaned and complained the whole time. He should have other priorities, but he’s chosen to focus solely on me. I hate it. I’m grateful he wants to take care of me while you’re gone, but he should be enjoying the end of the year with his friends, not babysitting his older sister.

  Mom came home earlier than expected today because of Mason. He told me a few months ago he was enlisting in the Army, like you two, but I didn’t realize he meant so soon. She didn’t specifically state that’s why she was home, but the look on her face told me that’s what it was for. I haven’t had a chance to talk to him, yet, because he’s still at school. But I want him to know that I’ll support him no matter what he chooses.

  You don’t need to worry about me. Focus on your training. You’ll be home soon enough, at least for a little while, and you can see for yourself.

  I haven’t thought more about school. I don’t think it’s something I can see myself doing. But that’s the problem anyway. I don’t know what I want to do.

  I guess I’ll let you go. If I keep writing, this letter may be three pages long. I can’t wait to hear from you again.

  I love you,

  Cheyenne

  Although I know the letter isn’t the greatest form of communication, it still feels good to have some sort of connection to him. It’s all I’m going to have for a while longer, so I should get used to it. I place my letter with his envelope and tear open Cole’s. I’ll have to go buy stamps when I’m done and buy extra to send them both. I wonder if Dylan knows that Cole is writing to me, too? They don’t need to be in an argument when they’re there, or when they get home.

  Chey,

  It’s been a few weeks and I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve been able to write. I swore when we left that I was going to write to you every day. But turns out, the few hours we were allotted in the beginning were filled with exhaustion. It’s getting better now, though, so I’ll be able to write more. Even if I never mail them all, I can give them to you when we get back.

  How are you? I hope you’ve found something to do since we left. I hate to think of you sitting at home alone while Mason is off with his friends or at school. Though I know you’re not much of a social person.

  Have you gone to the track? I think I hate that thought even more. I’m not there to look out for you anymore, and we both know you like to get into trouble. That usually leads to a hospital trip. If you’ve gone, have you taken Mason with you?

  I know Dylan was writing to you a few days ago. He asked if I had written to you, and I told him I hadn’t. It wasn’t a lie at the time, this is the first letter I’ve written. I don’t think he would care though, not anymore.

  He’s worse than a teenage girl, by the way. I don’t know if you know this, but your boyfriend likes to brag about you. A lot. Everyone else eats that shit up, though, and I sit back and roll my eyes. It isn’t that I don’t think you deserve it, but he goes overboard. What can I say? I guess he’s a keeper, Chey.

  Anyway, I should probably head to bed. We have a day off in a few days, but I need my sleep for what they have in store for us tomorrow.

  Love ya,

  Cole

  I don’t realize I’m laughing until I’ve read the entire thing. I find it funny that Dylan talks about me all the time. Next letter, I’ll have to ask Dylan what’s so impressive that he feels the need to use me as the topic of discussion among his new friends. I’m sure Cole will tell me most of it, though, so I’ll ask him when I write him back.

  I place his letter aside, separate from Dylan’s, and grab my notebook again.

  Cole,

  Let me ease your worries. I haven’t gone to the track. At all. I’ve been thinking about it, but I’m waiting for Mason to go on summer break. He’s spent so much time with me, that he has to be tired when he goes to school in the morning. While I appreciate his attentiveness, he can get annoying. Besides, he should be enjoying time with his friends, not his big sister. You know how he is, though; you can’t change his mind once it’s set on something. And based on Dylan’s letter, apparently, he promised him he would look out for me and make sure I didn’t mope around for the few months’ you guys are gone.

  Are you getting more sleep now? I hate to think that you guys are going without anything, but I realize that’s just how it is right now. When you guys come home, you’ll probably sleep for a few days before you’re up to doing anything.

/>   A teenage girl, really? I didn’t picture Dylan as one to brag or gossip. What does he say about me? All good things, I hope. Who am I kidding? You would probably knock him out if he said anything bad about me.

  I don’t think he would care that we’re writing to each other. It’s still weird that I can’t go outside and have both of you be there. I know it’ll get better. But right now, the days run together, and I still feel like this isn’t real. You spent a lot of time away because of football, so I should be used to it. But since this is longer, I’m not. I think it would be different if I could talk to both of you. Writing letters is something that should change with all the technology we have nowadays.

  Anyway, I’ll let you get back to whatever it is you’re doing. I’ll wait for your next letter.

  Love ya,

  Chey

  Confident that I’ve said all there is to say, I grab both letters and head to the post office. I don’t know how long it’ll take for them to write again, but I want to send these as soon as I can. By the time I get back, Mason should be home from school, and I may go to the track. Now that I’ve heard from them, even in writing, I feel a lot better about their wellbeing.

  Today was brutal. The closer we are to graduation, the worse the training becomes. I’m not one to complain, but a full night’s sleep would do wonders for my mood. Dylan sulks into the room and collapses on the bed opposite mine. I laugh when he groans from the impact.

  “I don’t know what you find so funny. I feel like I’m dying, and I have a sore on my foot the size of a baseball.”

  “I told you three days ago to go get it checked out. You didn’t want them to pull you from training, so you’ve let it go.”

  He sits up and places his head in his hands. “I know. It’s starting to heal, but that just makes it itch like crazy. It may drive me insane before we’re done.”

  I shake my head and hide my laughter. We have another day off tomorrow, something that’s rare anymore. I think we’ll both take full advantage and just relax in our room. I turn back toward my desk, intent on finishing the letter to my parents. Dylan interrupts with something I never thought I’d hear. At least not so soon.

  “When we go home, I’m going to ask Cheyenne to marry me.”

  I’m so shocked, I can’t even turn to look at him right away. I’m frozen to my spot facing the wall.

  “Did you hear me, Cole? We need to delay going home for a day. Once that bus drops us off, I need to buy a ring.”

  I take deep breaths before I turn to face him. It isn’t that I didn’t expect this at some point. They’ve been serious for a while now. But I thought he would at least wait until we had our assignments. After training.

  “When are you even going to find time for a wedding this year? We won’t get our assignments for a few months, and then you’ll have a hell of a time trying to get leave to go home again. Even if it is for your own wedding.”

  He thinks about it for a minute, but answers right away. Clearly, he’s thought more about this than I would have thought. “Cheyenne’s never been one for extravagant things. She isn’t one for large crowds, either. We can get married while we’re home. We have three weeks before we’re sent out to train again.”

  I nod, acknowledging I heard him. But I’m not sure what else there is to say. I won’t be able to change his mind, and even if I tried, he would think there was something else going on.

  “You know, you should have left me in the dark. I can’t lie to her if she asks what’s going on. You haven’t given her any clue what your plan is?”

  Dylan knows Cheyenne and I write back and forth. He’s encouraged it from my end since she seems depressed more than usual lately. When our letters first started, she was upbeat. But as summer wanes on, she seems to be closing in on herself. I’ve thought about writing Mason and asking him myself, but I don’t want to overstep bounds with her either. It would only piss her off if we didn’t trust what she was saying. There’s only a few more weeks before we’ll be able to see for ourselves how she’s doing.

  “I haven’t mentioned anything that would clue her in. You won’t have to lie to her because she doesn’t know what’s going on. I made a call to her Dad the other day rather than my parents. He said it was unnecessary to ask for his blessing, and he would make sure to be home when we got back.”

  I smile wide because that’s what he’s expecting. “I’m happy for you, man. Congratulations.”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “Don’t congratulate me, yet, she hasn’t said yes.”

  We both laugh and then go quiet.

  “I think I need to sleep for a bit. Today was a long day. We’re off tomorrow and I don’t think I’m leaving this room after PT in the morning.”

  “I’m definitely not disagreeing with you. After PT, I’m coming back here to sleep some more. We could both use it to catch up. There’s never enough of it in this place.”

  I shut my lamp out and lie in bed. When Dylan’s light goes out, I stare at the ceiling, remembering the night before we left. Cheyenne and I laid out in the backyard and stared up at the stars. It didn’t last long, but it was enough that we could talk about some things for a few. I think we sorted through a lot of our problems with Dylan and our friendship.

  I’m still in shock from the revelation that Dylan threw out there a moment ago. My best friend is marrying my other best friend, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. Like I told Cheyenne the night before we left, I’m happy if they are both happy. But marriage? That’s a commitment I wasn’t expecting so soon, especially not in a few short weeks if he wants it to happen before we go to our next assignment for more training.

  I close my eyes and try to block all thoughts from my mind. Tonight is the one night I have a chance to get sleep, and I don’t want to waste it on shit that will still be there tomorrow.

  It doesn’t take long for my eyes to get heavy and droop. Soon after, sleep starts to tug me under. Before I can fall asleep completely, Dylan’s light snaps back on and my eyes open to look over at him. He’s seated on his bed staring directly at me.

  “What’re you doing?”

  He doesn’t break his stare and takes a deep breath. “I know I’ve asked this a million times. I know I told Cheyenne I would trust you both, what you guys said. But I just need to hear it one more time. For my own sanity. Before we go home, and I ask her the most important question of our lives.”

  I stare at him like he’s lost his mind, but I don’t say anything. He obviously needs to collect his thoughts and think about what he wants to say.

  “You and Cheyenne have never…shit, I don’t know how to do this again. I just need to know that I’m not making a mistake by asking her to marry me. You two are close and I can’t compete with the history you have. I need to know that nothing has happened between you two that would change her mind on us. I guess I need to know there’s nothing that would stop her from being in a relationship with me.”

  I quirk my brow at him, a frown on my face. “If you’re looking for reassurance, Dylan, then maybe it isn’t the best time to ask her to marry you. You haven’t even popped the question and you’re already having doubts. But here’s what I do know. Cheyenne is my best friend and she always will be. I also know that she’s head over heels in love with you, and I very much doubt that she would deny your marriage proposal.” I sigh and sit up on the edge of my bed. “I know you’ve always doubted how true we were being with our friendship. There is nothing between us that would stop her from marrying you and spending the rest of her life with you. You both deserve all the happiness in the world, and you provide that for each other. I couldn’t be any happier with the two of you getting married.”

  Dylan stares at me, looking for a weakness in my defenses. But he won’t find any from me. I’ve got nothing to hide anymore. After Cheyenne and I talked, I realized that we’re better off as friends and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. Even if it isn’t with me. I’ll always have her friendship, and that
’s more than enough for a lifetime.

  “Thanks, man. It isn’t that I doubt her commitment and love for me. I don’t even doubt that you two are nothing more than friends. But this proposal…I want it to be perfect. I want nothing to stand in our way.”

  I motion for him to stand, and he does. “Look, Dylan, I can’t imagine a more perfect person to marry my best friend. I’m glad it’s you and not some asshole that I can’t stand.” I give him a one-armed hug and he does the same. We both go back to our separate sides of the room and try to go to sleep. Now that the air is cleared between us, too, I think I can finally relax.

  My eyes close again and this time I let sleep pull me under.

  Today’s the day. Cole and Dylan are coming home for three weeks. It’s a little later than I thought it would be, but it doesn’t matter. I barely slept last night with the anticipation, and now I can barely hold my eyes open.

  I offered to pick them up, but they assured me it wasn’t necessary since they didn’t have an exact time when they would get in. I thought it was weird, but I let them have their way with this one. I didn’t get to attend their basic training graduation. It was too far from home, and my parents said I wasn’t allowed to drive that far. A plane ticket was out of the question, too. I’m still mad at them over it, and I haven’t spoken to either of them since.

  I’m staring intently at the last letters I received from them both lying open on my desk. They both seem to be in a better headspace than when I first talked to them, and it makes me happy that their friendship seems to be better than it was when they left, too.

  Mason’s obnoxious knocking at my bedroom door draws my attention away from their words. He flings it open and smiles wide.

  “What are you doing sitting in here? I thought you’d be headed to the bus station already, or maybe the airport.”

  I frown and shake my head. “They wouldn’t let me pick them up. They said they didn’t have an exact arrival time, so they would come here.” It’s only eleven in the morning, so there’s still plenty of time for them to show up. “Uh, I just want them to get here already. All this waiting around might just kill me.”