Against the Tide

by Meredith Taylor

  He stepped up to the edge of the pool, still feeling more anxiety than he normally felt before a race. He pulled on his goggles and got into position. When the bang of the starting gun went off, he dove into the water.

  ***

  JP watched Darryn dive into the pool, feeling excited to watch him win his race. This was the moment that they had been working towards, and JP knew that Darryn wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less than perfection. JP had been practising especially hard that week, thinking about the fact that if he won the race, he would get to be in the finals with Darryn. The thought of that made JP feel a flurry of joy. And now he had won the first semi-final race, and he was through to the finals. It was only up to Darryn to deliver what JP knew he could.

  But something was off. JP noticed it as soon as Darryn hit the water. His form was not the same as it normally was, and his strokes were not as powerful. Darryn was in the early lead, but JP, for the first time, felt nervous that he might not win.

  He started cheering loudly, screaming Darryn’s name and urging him to push through to the win. He felt the eyes of the rest of the team on him, and even heard some giggles, but he didn’t care. All he thought about in that moment was that he wanted Darryn to win. He wanted to see him victorious.

  Their tutoring sessions had been the highlight of JP’s week, and he had never felt so comfortable around someone before. He felt like he wanted to be closer to Darryn, and to get to know him even better. But there was something else. He thought back often to that day in the locker room, and seeing Darryn so vulnerable and naked, and he felt something come alive inside of him that he had never felt before. He realized that he saw Darryn, the person who had once driven him crazy with annoyance and jealousy, as something more than just a teammate or potential friend. He hadn’t stopped thinking about him all week. There was something that he wanted to explore with Darryn, but he worried that Darryn would not feel the same way.

  His main disappointment was that he had to tell Darryn that he could no longer afford to pay him for tutoring. His grandfather had cut him off, and when JP had tried to withdraw money from his bank account, he had seen that it had been emptied. The old man was being especially spiteful, and JP knew that he would have no choice but to move back in with his mother. He couldn’t afford to keep his flat. He knew that Darryn would be terribly disappointed, since he had told JP that he was using the money to pay for his brother to get into a private school. JP hated the idea of hurting Darryn.

  Another thought was flooding his mind over the week: he had been the one who had encouraged Peet and the others to harass Darryn in the first place. That night when he was drunk in Percy’s Pub, he had told them to go ahead with their plans to torment Darryn. If it were not for his actions, Darryn might never have lost his job and he would not have needed the money from tutoring so badly. JP carried this secret with him, because he knew that if Darryn ever found out, there would be no chance for them to become closer.

  All of these feelings came together in the moment of watching Darryn swim in his semi-final race. Darryn seemed stronger, like he was pulling out some deep-seated energy. But he was still off form, and the final-year student who was one of the strongest swimmers on the team was almost even with Darryn.

  With only a few meters to go in the race, JP was standing with his hands on his head and his eyes wide open, anxiety coursing through him. It would be a photo finish, everyone could see that. “Go Darryn! Come on!” JP shouted one last time. He watched Darryn’s strong arms moving through the water, the rhythmic movements of his body almost spellbinding. Darryn made one last attempt to accelerate, and then it was all over.

  The crowd erupted in the loudest cheers JP had heard all day. The race was very close, and they would have to wait for the referee to announce the winner. Darryn looked up to the stands from his place in the pool. His face was sunken with worry. The announcer’s voice finally came through the loudspeaker: “In one of our closest races yet, the winner is final-year student Wallace Masterson. Second place goes to first-year student Darryn Fredericks. Congratulations to all of the swimmers.”

  JP felt his face sink. His mouth was agape with shock. Darryn had lost the race. He couldn’t believe it, and stood dumbfounded. The final year student was smiling and coming over to shake the team’s hands, but JP ran over to Darryn as he got out of the pool.

  “What happened? What’s going on?” He knew that he was not exactly saying the right thing at the time, that he should have just been encouraging Darryn, but he couldn’t hide how concerned he was.

  “Not now, JP. I just want to go home,” Darryn said, deflated. JP could see the sadness in his eyes. He was devastated.

  “Darryn, I’m sorry. I just don’t understand. Something is wrong and I want you to talk to me.”

  “Why?” Darryn said, turning sharply to face JP. “Why should I talk to you? Do you think we’re friends now because you’re paying me to tutor you? We can’t be friends. We’re just different people. I have responsibilities that you won’t understand. Maybe swimming just isn’t that important to me, and I need to be spending this time better anyway. You should go over to your real friends. Those are the people who are from your world. I’m not like you, JP. I don’t belong here.”

  “Don’t say that, Darryn. What’s going on with you? I know you’re disappointed, but you know you’re a better swimmer than Wally. You should be in the finals. Everyone knows that.”

  “Well, it looks like you’re wrong. You’re in the finals, JP. Why don’t you just appreciate that? Looks like you really were the better swimmer after all.” Darryn stormed off, and JP watched him leave. His mind was going at lightning speed. He couldn’t believe what had just happened.

  Chapter 19

  Early the next morning, Darryn was getting off the bus at the main entrance of Ridgemont campus. It was strange being on campus on a Sunday; the mood was different, and only a few students were walking around. Darryn was tired to the bone. He had done another shift at his security job the night before, and he had barely slept afterwards because he couldn’t shake the memory of losing the semi-final race. He had gotten messages and missed calls from JP, but he had ignored all of them. He couldn’t face the pity that he knew he would get from him yet. He decided to put it off until the tutoring session that they had planned for that morning.

  Darryn was hit with a strong feeling of regret as he walked towards JP’s apartment building. The beautiful, French-style buildings of Ridgemont were almost haunting on the slightly chilly morning. Darryn remembered the look of shock on JP’s face when he got out of the pool. He couldn’t believe that he had lost. He had felt his rhythm was failing him and his body was depleted. He had known before the announcer’s voice confirmed it that he had lost the race. It might not have mattered anyway if he had won, he thought. Peet would have gotten him kicked off the team for sure after Darryn had punched him in the nose. It was a moment of weakness that might have cost him everything.

  Darryn finally walked up to JP’s apartment building and keyed in his flat number on the intercom. JP answered and let him in. He took the elevator up to JP’s floor and hesitated for a second before he knocked. He had been rude to JP the day before, and he felt bad about it, but he just couldn’t face that look of disappointment.

  JP answered the door wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. He had a look of apprehension on his face. “Hey Darryn. It’s good to see you.”

  Darryn spoke quickly before he lost his nerve, “I’m sorry about being so harsh yesterday. There was a lot going on. I’m ready for our session today, though.”

  “What do you mean?” JP asked. “Didn’t you get my messages? I tried calling you all day yesterday.” JP let Darryn in and closed the door behind him, fidgeting with his hands.

  “I couldn’t talk yet. Sorry. I haven’t checked my messages. Is something wrong?” Darryn asked, taking out his books and setting them down on the table.

  “Why don’t you take a seat? We should tal
k about it face to face. Can I get you something to drink?” JP asked.

  “I’m fine, thanks. What’s going on?” Darryn sensed that JP was uneasy, like he didn’t expect to see Darryn.

  “When you didn’t answer my messages yesterday, I just figured that you were mad at me. I didn’t know that you wouldn’t read them. It’s not easy to say, but I won’t be able to do these sessions with you anymore.”

  Darryn steeled himself. He tried to remain as stoical as possible as he asked: “Peet spoke to you, didn’t he. I get it. He’s your friend. I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday. It was so stupid of me.”

  “What are you talking about? I haven’t spoken to Peet in weeks. We’re not really friends anymore.” JP sat down on the couch next to Darryn, the look of concern still all over his face.

  “Never mind then, it’s not important. If you don’t want to keep on doing these sessions, that’s fine.” Darryn’s voice was tinged with frustration. Everything seemed to be falling apart for him, and now even JP was turning against him. He started to put his books back into his backpack.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to. I think you should know by now that I want to hang out with you. I like being around you. It’s my grandfather. I quit the internship at the company and he’s cutting me off. He even emptied out my bank account. That’s why all of those boxes are packed.” JP pointed into a corner of the room, and Darryn noticed the piles of boxes for the first time.

  “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you get it all sorted out,” Darryn said dismissively as he put his backpack over his shoulder and walked towards the door. JP grabbed him by his shoulders to stop him.

  “Why are you just marching out like this? I’m sorry. I know you needed the money and I would never have wanted to stop our sessions if I had any other choice.”

  Darryn felt emotion welling up inside of him. He couldn’t break down in front of JP, and fought back tears. “I’m just tired, and I’d rather be home right now if you don’t mind.”

  “Tell me what’s going on, Darryn. What was happening yesterday? That wasn’t you in the swimming pool. Your mind was somewhere else.”

  “I have to deal with some things. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet, but I’ll figure something out.”

  “Why don’t you talk to me about it? You can’t do everything on your own. Let me try and figure something out with you. You’re my friend, Darryn. I care about you. I don’t want to see you struggling like this. I know you think we can’t be friends, that we’re from different worlds, but I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care about what other people think. I care about you.”

  Darryn couldn’t contain his emotion anymore. He knew that he was not really upset with JP, but he was an easy scapegoat at the moment. He burst out in anger: “Why? You hardly even know me! You don’t know what I’m going through. You’ve been treating me like crap since the first day I joined the swim team!”

  JP let go of Darryn’s shoulders. “I regret that. I really do. I was jealous of you and I didn’t understand you. It was stupid of me to judge you before I got to know you.”

  “So you think you understand me now?” Darryn asked, fuming. “You think I’m just a typical poor kid from Wellesley Park, and you can just swoop in all heroically and magically fix everything that’s wrong with my life? That’s not how it works.”

  JP reacted in anger at the comment: “You don’t want me to judge you, but you’ve been judging me since the start! You think I have a perfect life, that money makes everything okay? You should know by now that that’s not true. I thought you knew me better than that.”

  Darryn’s lip was quivering. He was exhausted, angry and at the end of his rope. “I can’t do this with you, JP. I have too much on my mind to let you be another part of my life that I need to worry about.”

  “So I’m just a burden to you?” JP asked, his eyebrow raised.

  “You’re someone who used to pay me to tutor him. Nothing more. I don’t have the energy for anything more. I don’t have the luxury to try and find common ground with someone who couldn’t care less about me only a few weeks ago.”

  JP seemed deeply hurt by what Darryn was saying, and simply stared at the ground as Darryn walked past him to leave the flat. He went down the elevator and walked out of the apartment building, finally feeling tears falling from his eyes. He felt completely hopeless for the first time. He had tried everything he could to keep things together. Now he had failed to qualify for the swimming championship finals, he couldn’t afford to help with Billy’s registration fees, and he was in danger of losing his scholarship because of his poor performance and because of a vengeful Peet. More than this, he was hurt that he had pushed JP away. He was hurt that he had started to really care for him, but all he could see when he looked at JP was someone who represented the guys who had always made him feel unwelcome at Ridgemont. JP was someone who would never really understand what he had to go through, having to work and work just to barely get by, and having to worry about his family’s problems above his own. JP had the luxury of being selfish, quitting an internship and abandoning a family’s fortune simply because he was bored of it. Darryn resented him for that, even though he didn’t want to. All he saw when he looked at JP was someone who would always be just out of arm's reach.

  Chapter 20

  Darryn took the bus home, feeling completely lost. On top of falling out of the championships, not having enough money for Billy’s registration, and facing the threats of Peet and the other swimmers, he had also pushed away the one person who made him feel better in the past few days. It was hard to face up to everything that was happening to him, and he knew that he had some hard decisions to make.

  He found his father sitting on the couch in their living room, and greeted him. His father held his finger over his lips and shushed Darryn. “Billy’s asleep. He had a really bad episode this morning. We were out shopping and he got overwhelmed.” His father’s eyes seemed to be heavy with worry. “At least he’s asleep now.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?” Darryn asked. He put down his backpack on the floor and sat down across from his father.

  A flash of guilt appeared on his father’s face: “I didn’t want to bother you again. You’ve been working so hard, and I can see how much you’re struggling to help out. It’s not right for a child to have to sacrifice so much.”

  “I want to do it, dad. I want to help out with Billy as much as I can.”

  “I just can’t help thinking that your mother would be so ashamed. I can’t even care for the two of you the way I’m supposed to. I shouldn’t be relying on your money, Darryn. I’m supposed to be the head of this household.”

  “Don’t ever think that she would be anything but proud of you,” Darryn said. “We have our burdens to bear, and we just have to keep pushing on until things get better. We can’t give up.”

  Darryn’s father gave a weak smile and said, “Let’s talk about something else, okay? I didn’t see you yesterday after your race. You were already gone to your night job before I got home. How did you do?”

  Darryn felt the weight of the past week descend on him fully, but he couldn’t show his father how he was feeling. He simply said: “I did okay. But I’ve decided to quit swimming for a while. It’s too much of a distraction for me, and I could be doing a few more hours at my night job instead and bringing home some more money. Don’t look so worried, I know what I’m doing.”

  “But don’t you have to be on the swim team to get your scholarship? You can’t just quit swimming, can you?”

  “I’m thinking of just finishing out this semester and maybe taking a semester off from studying. The tuition is too much at Ridgemont, and we still have to pay what the scholarship doesn’t cover. We need money right now, not in three years when I finish a degree. I think it’s better if I take some time off from studying and help out more around here. I can always go to a college afterwards or do the rest of my degree through correspondence o
nce things calm down a bit.” Darryn tried to smile through his speech, but he felt his hands shaking and he knew that he was close to tears.

  “I won’t allow it, Darryn! You can’t give up on your dreams like this. It’s an honor to be studying at Ridgemont. You’re the first generation in our family to be studying at a university. Don’t throw this away. We’ll survive somehow. You can’t give up on your own life for us.”

  “What choice do I have, dad?” Darryn burst out. Emotion was brimming to the surface, and he felt more hopeless than ever. “I’ve done everything I can. I’ve been trying to be a good student, putting in hours for swimming practice, getting jobs. And what do I get? Treated like garbage by the other swimmers! Fired from Best Burger and now fired from tutoring too! What else can I do?”