Against the Tide

by Meredith Taylor

  His father grabbed him by his shoulder and tried to pull him closer for a hug, but Darryn resisted and stood up.

  Darryn said, almost in tears: “I’m sorry for letting you down.” He walked out of the door as his father called after him.

  ***

  Darryn walked the few blocks to Mario’s house and knocked on the door. Mario answered with his usual cheery attitude, but Darryn just silently asked him, “Can I hang out here for a while?”

  Mario frowned, and said: “Sure man. No problem. Come in.” They walked through the living room of Mario’s house, where his grandmother sat knitting and his mother was eating a plate of curry and rice. Darryn greeted them briefly and followed Mario into his bedroom. Darryn sat down on the bed and put his face in his hands. “What’s going on?” Mario asked in a gentle voice.

  Darryn tried to compose himself. He said, “I need you to do me a favor. I don’t want to go back and face everyone. I don’t want Coach to give me grief about this. Can you go in tomorrow and tell him that I’m quitting the swim team.”

  Mario’s eyes were wide with shock. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Over one loss? You can’t quit over not making the finals this one time! This is your first year on the swim team. Hardly any first-year students ever make the finals, you know that. Coach will never stand for it.”

  “It’s not about one loss, Mario. It’s about a whole lot of losses at the same time, when I’ve been doing everything right for so long. I’ve been trying to work so hard to make sure that my life would get better, and that my family would be secure. But everything I’ve done has turned to dirt. I just don’t have time anymore to worry about swimming. I don’t want to see those guys anymore.”

  “It’s not supposed to be about the other guys. It’s not supposed to be about winning all the time. You’re swimming because you love it, and because you’re amazing at it, remember? You can’t give up on the one thing that you love to do so much. You’re always thinking about everyone else, doing everything that you’re supposed to, and the one thing that you’re doing for yourself, you decide to quit?”

  “This is not the time for me to be selfish. I really don’t need a lecture right now about what I should be doing. I’ve made the decision. I’m hardly making enough money to help out at home and to pay for the textbooks at school. And Billy needs a lot of help right now. That money could be better spent. I’ll finish out this semester and then focus on working more. I’ll try and get a job in town so that I don’t need to deal with all of the nonsense here in Ridgemont.”

  “You’re quitting Ridgemont?” Mario’s jumped up from the bed, shouting the words in shock.

  “What choice do I have? It’s not working out. I was stupid to think that I could make things work there. I never belonged there.” Darryn’s eyes were red with frustration.

  “So what are you saying about me? We’re from the same background. Do I belong at Ridgemont? There are other ways to go about this. You’re just too proud to go to the financial aid office, like I had to, and tell them that you need more support. You’re too ashamed to admit that you need help, and that you can’t take on everything by yourself. And now you’re quitting because you’re too proud to go back to swim team after one loss? Come on!” Mario was pacing through the room, his voice high pitched and frustrated.

  “I don’t need to listen to this. You don’t have to worry about looking after a brother who has special needs. You don’t have to work as hard as I do to keep everything in place.”

  “Don’t quit, Darryn. Don’t do this to yourself. Push through for a while longer. I know things will work out.”

  Darryn stood up and walked towards the door. “It doesn’t matter how positive you try to be right now, Mario. I’ve been pushing against all of this for months now, trying to make it all work, but it’s not happening. I don’t have what it takes to be on the national team. I won’t fit into Ridgemont no matter how hard I try. It’s time for me to face the facts and move on with my life.”

  Darryn walked out of the door and walked straight past Mario’s mother and grandmother into the afternoon air. He kept walking, directionless, around the streets of Wellesley Park, trying to get his mind off of everything. Why would no one understand that this was the only way? Why did his father and Mario not support him trying to do what was right for everyone? He couldn’t only think of himself then. He couldn’t stay at Ridgemont or on the swim team simply because it made him happy. There was a lot more to think about.

  Chapter 21

  JP sat on the bench at swimming practice along with the other guys. Coach seemed especially agitated as he prepared to give an announcement. Some of the other guys were still laughing at Peet, who claimed that he had fallen and broken his nose, and that was why he had missed his semi-final race, but it was obvious to everyone that he was in a fight. JP also saw that Darryn was not there, and his heart sank. He knew that Darryn was not doing well since he had lost the race, and he seemed especially angry after JP had to cancel their tutoring session, so he hoped that he would be okay. JP’s stomach was turning with worry, and he tried to calm himself so that he could hear what coach had to say.

  He had been staying at his parents’ place for the past two days, and it was not as bad as he thought it would be. It was strange being back in the large, empty house, but at least he didn’t have to worry about his grandfather’s nagging anymore. He felt relieved to be independent from his grandfather for the first time in a long while. He had closed off the bank account that his grandfather had used to give him an allowance, and he had moved out of the lavish flat in the center of campus. He loved the flat, but he loved his independence more.

  But the past few days he had been consumed with thoughts of Darryn. All he could think about was the strange new feelings he was starting to feel towards him. JP couldn’t exactly put them into words, but every time he thought of Darryn, he felt happy. Every time he remembered those sad, deep brown eyes, his heartbeat quickened. It was something he had never experienced before. That was why he had felt so terrible to have to tell Darryn that he could no longer afford to pay for tutoring. Seeing Darryn’s look of disappointment was incredibly difficult for him.

  Finally, Coach Tyson cleared his throat and began to speak. “Guys, brilliant work to our four finalists. You did some great swimming on Saturday, and all of you should be proud of yourself. Congrats to the swimmer with the fastest time, JP Terreblanche. He’s the one to beat at the finals, guys. Great work, JP.” The other guys all gave halfhearted applause at this point. Coach continued to speak, still chewing furiously on his gum, “In other news, guys, and this is not easy to say, Darryn Fredericks has decided to drop out of the swim team, effective immediately. Sadly he couldn’t join us for a farewell.” Some of the other guys behind JP giggled when Coach made his announcement, and JP heard them whisper mean things about Darryn. He turned around to give them a look of incredulity.

  “What are you laughing at?” He demanded. “Can’t you take things seriously for once in your lives?” JP was speaking loudly, and the rest of the team turned to look at him. “Darryn was one of our best swimmers, and he’s a great guy. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

  “Don’t act all innocent and heroic now, JP,” came Peet’s voice. “You were the one who didn’t like him in the start. And now the two of you are best buddies all of a sudden? What’s going on with you?”

  “Maybe I’m just sick of dicks like you who find it fun to treat other people like crap!” JP said, and he stood up in an act of aggression. Peet and some other guys stood up too, and even though JP realized that he was outnumbered, he was ready to fight them.

  Coach shouted out, “Sit down, guys! What are you doing? This isn’t how we act on this team. JP, go cool off for a bit. The rest of you get ready for laps,” Coach said, pointing to Peet and his goons.

  JP stormed off towards the locker room, feeling sick to his stomach. What had he done? He hated the thought that he had played a part in Darryn leaving the swim
team.

  JP heard his name being called out behind him, and he turned around to see Mario approaching him. “That was cool, what you said back there,” Mario said. “I’m glad you stood up for Darryn.”

  “Have you spoken to him? Why is he leaving the swim team? It doesn’t make any sense. He would definitely have made the finals next year. And wasn’t he on a scholarship?”

  Mario looked concerned. “He’s not doing well right now. His brother needs to go to a special school, but they’re really short on money. Darryn was trying to work extra hours to save up for it, but he couldn’t get enough. When he lost the semi-final race, he just kind of flipped. He was so different when he came to my place on Sunday. I don’t know what happened to set him off like that. But he says he might quit Ridgemont altogether. I don’t know what to do.”

  JP’s heart sank. It was because of him that Darryn had quit the swim team. He didn’t know that Darryn needed the money from tutoring that desperately. He didn’t know that he was struggling so much. That was why Darryn had looked so tired and out of practice lately. “Can you give me his address?” JP asked Mario, the worry written all over his face.

  Mario looked hesitant. “He wouldn’t really be happy about someone from swim team just showing up at his place. What are you planning to do?”

  “Just trust me,” JP said. “I’m trying to look out for Darryn. I just need to speak to coach first but I’ll head straight over to his place.”

  Mario gave the address to JP, and he rushed off to speak with Coach Tyson.

  ***

  JP drove his blue Mercedes through the streets of Wellesley Park, checking his GPS to make sure that he was in the right place. He was taken aback by how different it was to Ridgemont Estates and the university campus, which were only about half an hour away but felt like part of a different world. He drove through the rows of small houses, seeing stray dogs walking the streets and people sitting on street corners. He finally drove up to Darryn’s house. He parked in the street in front of the small gate, and got out. The eyes of others were on him as he walked to the gate and went through it. He felt intensely conspicuous, sticking out like a sore thumb in the neighborhood he had never visited before. He knocked on the front door, noticing a cross hanging from it, and took a deep breath. His nerves had not settled since he had seen that Darryn was not at practice earlier that day.

  A tall, middle-aged man answered the door. He had lines on his face and kind eyes, and his hair was slightly balding. He greeted JP with a confused, “Can I help you, sir?”

  “I’m looking for Darryn Fredericks. I’m not sure if I have the right house. Does he live here?”

  The man looked JP up and down, and finally invited him inside, calling down the short passageway in a singsong voice for Darryn. Darryn shouted back, “Yeah?”

  “There’s someone here for you, son,” the man shouted in response.

  Darryn came out of the bedroom down the passageway wearing a shorts and a faded t-shirt. His brown skin looked paler and his eyes looked tired. His dark hair was not brushed, and stood in a tangle of curls. He gave an immediate look of shock when he saw JP, but regained his composure as he walked towards him.

  “JP, what are you doing here,” Darryn asked, looking nervously around him. “Maybe we should go to my room,” he said to JP.

  He led JP down the short passageway into a small, messy bedroom. There were two beds and an old TV was turned on in the corner of the bedroom. Darryn straightened the covers of one of the beds, and said, “Have a seat.” He went to close the door behind them, and stood across from JP staring at him expectantly. “What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?”

  Darryn did not look happy to see him, but JP felt certain that he was doing the right thing. “You share this room with your brother?” JP asked.

  “Yeah. He has therapy on Tuesdays so he’ll be home a bit later.”

  “Mario gave me your address. I forced it out of him. He thought you wouldn’t be happy to see me.” Darryn gave no answer. “But I needed to see you.”

  Darryn spoke confidently: “Coach spoke to you guys, right? It doesn’t matter what you say to me, I’ve made up my mind. This is the best thing for my family. You shouldn’t have come here. You’re wasting your time.”

  “I came here because I want to help you, Darryn. This is not your only option. I spoke to Coach right before I came here. I asked him if there were any funding options, and he said that he could help you get an extra stipend that Ridgemont gives to deserving students who have financial difficulties. He said it could happen as soon as next month if he started the paperwork immediately, especially if you have a staff member vouching for you.”

  “Are you serious right now?” Darryn asked. His face was filled with anger. “You want me to go begging for more money? What were you thinking? You come over here acting all high and mighty and try to save me! I don’t need your help, JP. Look around you. This is what I was talking about when I said that we are from different worlds. And now you’re trying to rescue me from all of this, like some knight in shining armor. Don’t you realize how arrogant that is? You have no right to talk to Coach or anyone about my life.”

  JP felt Darryn’s words pierce him. He struggled to stay calm when he responded: “I’m doing this to help you, Darryn. Stop being so proud and take some help from someone for a change. I’m the reason you’re in this mess. I was selfish and I just want to make things right. I can’t be that same selfish guy that I’ve always been. I couldn’t go on living a lie, just trying to party away how much I was hating my life, hanging out with idiots like Peet. You showed me that my actions could actually hurt someone else, someone that I care for. You showed me that I could be better, that I could care about someone else, that I could give up on being the person that everyone else wants me to be and finally just be happy.”

  Darryn was unrelenting, and said: “It’s not all your fault. You have no responsibility to help me. The money from tutoring would have helped, but it wouldn’t have been enough. It was getting worse and worse, and I finally just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take Ridgemont, I couldn’t take trying to do everything, and I couldn’t take failing constantly no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing. You don’t owe me anything, so you don’t have to be here.”

  JP braced himself, because he knew that what he was about to say would possibly end any chance that there would be anything between the two of them in the future. He spoke softly: “It’s not just the tutoring. I’m the reason this all started. That night, when Peet taunted you and made you lose your job… I… I was the one who told him to do it. He asked me if I wanted to see you suffer, and I said yes.” JP hung his head in shame, and pain showed all over Darryn’s face.

  “What are you talking about? Why would you do that?” Darryn asked, tears now welling in his eyes.

  “I was jealous of you. I was jealous of how good you were at swimming. I was angry at you for being so different, for not caring what we said about you or how we treated you. And I was selfish. I’m so sorry Darryn. I wish I could take it back.”

  JP expected anger. He expected the outbursts that he was used to receiving from Darryn. But instead, Darryn collapsed in tears on the bed across from him. He cried in deep, painful sobs. JP’s heart broke seeing the pain that he had caused Darryn. Darryn spoke through his sobs, “You were the one person I thought I could trust. I told you things about myself. I cared about you. I don’t know why, but I let you in. And you were the one… How could you do such a thing to me? I trusted you.”

  JP was crying then as well. He felt like the scum of the earth, like he had broken something so delicate and precious that he had cared about more than he even realized. “I’m so sorry, Darryn. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I did this to you.” JP’s blue eyes were filled with tears, and he went over to sit next to Darryn. Darryn did not fight him off, but just sat next to him crying, their shoulders touching, the heavy sobs each of them gave echoing eac
h other.

  Darryn spoke again: “What’s the point of trying so hard when people like you can just come along and mess it all up on a whim? Just because you don’t like me. Why would you make me start to care about you if you hated me so much? Why would you want to be around me, to talk to me like that? I was so stupid to trust you.”

  “You weren’t stupid, Darryn. I feel the same way about you.” JP put his hand on Darryn’s shoulder and turned to face him. He moved his face close to Darryn’s and felt the hot tears on his cheek. Darryn turned slightly towards him, and JP moved in, touching his lips to Darryn’s. They kissed, tears streaming down their faces, JP’s hand on Darryn’s cheek. For a few seconds, they expressed the closeness they were feeling physically. Time stopped, and JP felt like he was flying. But as soon as it had started, it was over.

  Darryn pushed JP away violently, and said, “What the hell are you doing?” JP could see the look of complete shock on Darryn’s face.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know what… I’m…” JP stammered. Darryn was on his feet, looking overwhelmed with the shock of what had just happened.

  “Just get out of here. Now!” Darryn said, avoiding JP’s gaze.

  JP got up from the bed and rushed to the door, feeling heat flooding to his cheeks. What was he thinking? He had acted purely on impulse, and he couldn’t believe that he had actually kissed Darryn. It felt like it might have all been a figment of his imagination, but Darryn’s angry expression was proof to him that it had really happened.

  He stormed out of the door as quickly as he could and got into his car, speeding away from Darryn’s house. He might have just made one of the biggest mistakes of his life. There was no way that Darryn would be okay with the kiss. But hadn’t he returned it? Wasn’t he the one who turned towards JP so that the kiss could happen?