Against the Tide

by Meredith Taylor

  Darryn got up slowly, careful not to wake JP. He checked his phone. It was only 8.30 p.m. and he would still be able to catch the bus back to Wellesley Park. His father had tried calling. He slipped out of the flat quietly, letting the latch lock itself as he left, and tried to push JP from his mind.

  Chapter 25

  JP sat at the small desk in his new flat, looking out of the window where sunlight was streaming in. He felt a sense of calm and determination. He twirled the pen between his fingers, ready to write the letter that he had been afraid to write, but that he knew he needed to. A lot had happened, and he had to write one last letter to Darryn. He owed him that much.

  He had just finished his Stats test and felt good about how it had gone, and he knew that he had Darryn to thank for it. If it hadn’t been for their tutoring sessions, he would’ve never understood the basics of the course and he wouldn’t have been able to understand the rest of the course material. He had to make sure to thank Darryn for helping him in his letter, he thought.

  The past two days had been a whirlwind of decisions and planning. He had realized that studying a degree in business was not what he wanted to do, and he knew that he had to make a new plan with his life. He also knew that Darryn did not want him around; Darryn had made that much clear. JP looked over to the bed where he lay next to Darryn a few nights before. He remembered that moment of contact, when Darryn thought that he was asleep and put his arm around him. It had made his heart race so fast that he thought it would beat out of his chest, but he tried to remain perfectly still so that he wouldn’t scare Darryn off. It had given him hope that Darryn would give him a chance, that there was a chance for something to develop between them. But Darryn had disappeared soon after. He knew that he would only be causing Darryn more confusion and difficulty if he stayed at Ridgemont. He couldn’t make his life even more difficult than he already had.

  It would be difficult to leave Ridgemont and to give up on the swim team. He used to rely on swimming as the one thing that was truly his, that his grandfather couldn’t control, something he was good at all on his own. But he wanted Darryn to have the spot in the finals, and he wanted the chance to find something else that he could excel at. He wanted to make every part of his life his own. He wanted to forge his own path and build a life that he could be truly happy living. He didn’t know exactly what that would look like, but he wanted to find out.

  JP put the pen to paper and began to write the letter to Darryn, feeling heaviness in his chest as he put the words to paper:

  Dear Darryn

  Writing this letter is very hard for me. I want you to know that if I could really have it the way I want it, I wouldn’t be writing this letter to you. I’d be with you right now.

  I’ve never felt this strongly for someone before. I care for you deeply, and I don’t want you to be out of my life. But I also know that you’re not ready to forgive me for what I’ve done. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I thought of you as my enemy for too long, and I treated you badly because I saw you as a threat. I was jealous of how good you are at swimming. But now I know that there was another reason why I treated you that way. I wasn’t ready to face the fact that I was developing feelings for you.

  I want you to remember that no matter what, I respect you and I care about you deeply. I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I used to think that no one would ever really understand me, but when we were together I felt like I was finally being seen for who I really am. I’ll always treasure you for that.

  The reason I’m writing this letter to you is because I need to tell you what I’ve decided to do, and tell you why so that you don’t think I’m just running away. I would never want to run away from you.

  You know that I’m not made to study business. I’ve hated every minute of it so far. I’ve deregistered for all of my courses in the second semester. I need to start over. I called my dad and he says he can help me with a place to stay in Munich for a few months. Maybe a change of scenery will be good for me. I need to find myself and find what I’m good at. I’m not sure if I’ll come back to Ridgemont, but I want you to know that I’ll miss you.

  I want you to take the spot in the finals. Make it a gift to me. And don’t drop out of Ridgemont. You’re an excellent student and a brilliant swimmer, and you should stay here and do what you’re good at. Please do this for me.

  I wish I could be here to see you race in the finals. I’ll be thinking about you and crossing my fingers and toes for you. I know you’ll give them hell and make me proud. But I know it will be better just to get a clean break. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. And it will only hurt me to be here knowing that you don’t feel the same way about me.

  I’ll remember that kiss and I’ll cherish it. And I’ll remember you. I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone quite as stubborn or challenging as you are. But I also don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone who is as principled, generous and tenacious as you are. You’re a fighter, Darryn. Don’t lose that.

  I’ll miss you.

  JP

  JP folded the letter and put it inside of an envelope. He would leave it with Mario to get to Darryn. He went back to folding the shirts on the bed and packing them into the big suitcase. He looked out of the window again, seeing the grand buildings of Ridgemont and the beautiful trees lining Donovan Square. He would miss it. He would miss everything it had meant to him over the past year and a half. But he knew that he needed to leave. He had no reason left to stay. He had grown apart from his old friends. He had given up on living his life to please his grandfather. He had finally realized that he did not need to do a degree that meant nothing to him. And he had no chance to make things work with Darryn. He couldn’t stay and be reminded of everything that he was missing.

  Chapter 26

  Billy was bouncing excitedly on the back seat of the car, dressed in his new school uniform with his hair freshly cut. “Are we there yet? How far away is it?” His face was filled with excitement, and he hadn’t stopped talking all week about the new adventure he was about to embark on.

  Darryn turned to look back from the passenger’s seat, smiling at his brother’s enthusiasm. It was good to see Billy so genuinely excited about something, and he was glad that he could offer his brother something that could potentially improve his life so much. “We’re just about to pull up now. Have a look over there,” he said, and pointed to their right. The front gates of the Elton Chambers Academy were large and majestic. The two story school building was impressive, with a large garden just next to the parking area and a large white façade. There were other schoolchildren walking around in the same green uniform that Billy was wearing. They carried heavy backpacks and chatted as they scurried around the schoolyard.

  “It looks amazing!” Billy exclaimed. He pushed his face up against the window to look at the impressive sports fields and the massive pool stadium. He would finally get a chance to practise his swimming and become just as good as Darryn.

  Darryn’s father drove into the gates and pulled up into the parking area. He turned back to see Billy smiling back at him, looking like he could hardly contain himself. He said to his sons: “We’re all set, boys. Let’s go see your new school, Billy.”

  Billy jumped out of the car and squealed with glee. Darryn and his father laughed at his antics. They got out and stood next to Billy, looking at the intimidating building before them. Darryn whispered to his father, “I’m happy they were able to start him here immediately. It looks like an amazing place.”

  “They were just waiting for the registration fee. They were holding a spot for him after I told them about all of his needs. I think he’ll get all the help he needs here. They’ve got a team of great psychologists on staff who can give him special attention.” His father turned to look Darryn in the eye, and said, “Thank you for making this possible, Darryn. Without the money you gave me, I just don’t know what would’ve happened to Billy.”

  Darryn felt his heart swelling with contentmen
t. He said: “I want to help in any way I can. Besides, the new bursary from Ridgemont is very generous. I’ll be able to quit my security job soon and focus on swimming more. Especially with our championship finals coming up so soon. I just wanted to see Billy happy, so I’m glad we could do this for him.”

  Billy tugged on his father’s arm and demanded anxiously, “Can we go in now? What if they start classes without me?”

  Darryn and his father both laughed at this. There was nothing as fulfilling as seeing Billy happy. Darryn said to his brother: “We’re forty-five minutes early, Billy. They won’t be starting classes for a while still. But let’s go in and have a look around.”

  They walked through the halls of the Elton Chambers Academy. It was one of the best schools in the country for children with special needs, and even though it would be very expensive to send Billy there, Darryn was happy that he would be looked after in the way he needed. The halls were decorated with exquisite paintings and portraits of all of the headmasters of the academy. Darryn was holding Billy’s hand as they walked, cherishing the moment of still being able to have such a bond with his brother. He would be changing so much in the few years ahead, but Darryn hoped that the two of them would remain close. They eventually found the reception area and found some of the forms that needed to be filled in for Billy’s registration. After filling in some forms, they eventually found Billy’s classroom and met his teacher, a charming young woman who Billy immediately took a liking to. Billy looked back at them as he sat at his desk, his youthful face and curly hair making him look so innocent. He was entering a new phase in his life, and for Darryn and his father it was a process of letting go. They waved goodbye to Billy and walked back to the car, reassured that they had made the right decision to place him in the private school.

  As they drove home, Darryn’s father said to him, “I’m very proud of you, son. And I’m glad you’re back on the swim team and that you’ve decided to stay at Ridgemont. But something has been off about you the past few days. You’re so distracted and you seem… sad. Do you need to talk to me about something?”

  Darryn hung his head, finally allowing his feelings to catch up to him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dad. Maybe I’m just a bit overwhelmed. A lot has happened. But it’s all good things. So I have no reason to be sad.”

  Darryn’s father raised his eyebrow and showed a look of concern. “Darryn, you’re my son. I know you through and through. And I know that something’s bothering you. You disappear for an entire afternoon and come home trying to hide bruises from me. And suddenly you tell me that everything’s going to be okay, that you’re back on the swim team and that you can afford to help with Billy’s registration fees. Something’s going on. Talk to me, son. I want to be able to help you like you’re always helping me and Billy.”

  Darryn averted his eyes and avoided responding to his father. There were too many good things in his life at that moment to ruin it with talk of how much his heart was aching.

  His father’s lined face was filled with paternal love as he spoke in a soft, gentle voice: “Is this about that boy who came to visit you last week?”

  Darryn’s eyes were wide with shock as he faced his father. “What do you mean?” He felt his heartbeat quicken and his mind was racing. Why would his father think that his sadness had anything to do with JP?

  His father smiled sagely. “You don’t think you were fooling me, do you? I could see the way you looked at him. I could see how you acted after he left.”

  “Dad, it’s not what you think…” Darryn started, his mouth dry from nerves. But his attempt to deflect was not working on his father.

  “I hope it is what I think. If someone makes you act like that, there must be some deep feelings there. If you really have feelings for this boy, that makes me nothing but happy. Because I want you to have someone in life. I want you to feel about someone the way I felt about your mother. Everyone deserves that happiness. I love you and respect you so much, Darryn. No matter what. You never have to be afraid to tell me anything about your life. Understand?”

  Darryn felt overwhelmed with emotion. The car pulled into the driveway of their home, and Angelo turned to face Darryn. Darryn looked him in the eye and said: “Dad, I don’t know what to say. I guess I was scared that you wouldn’t approve. I didn’t feel ready to talk to you about it yet.” His father bent over and hugged him, the warm, paternal hug that had always made him feel safe when he was a child.

  “You’re an amazing son, Darryn. I wouldn’t change anything about you. Never.” His father sat back with a smile. “But where is this boy now? What’s happening between the two of you?”

  Reality came back to Darryn and he looked away in shame. “I got a letter from him a few days ago. He said that he’s leaving for Munich. He might not come back.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Darryn. That’s why you’ve been looking so sad lately. But does he know how you feel about him? Does he know what he’s leaving behind?”

  Darryn felt ashamed. All of his reasons for pushing JP away felt shallow in that moment. He said: “I couldn’t tell him. A lot of things have happened. We weren’t always fair to each other. We didn’t understand each other at the start.”

  His father bit his lip and narrowed his eyes, taking on the sagely look he often adopted when he was giving Darryn advice. “Well, have you forgiven him? Have you apologized for your part?” his father asked, sternness coming back into his voice.

  “Not exactly. But it’s too late. There’s nothing I can do now.”

  “Darryn, you have to make your own decisions in life. But if you want my advice, you need to talk to him before you make a mistake that you could regret for a long time. If you really feel strongly for him, if you think that he could make you happy in life, then don’t let it slip away.”

  Darryn sat in silence. His father’s words rung in his head. He wanted to talk to JP, but he felt like he might have already let his last chance slip away. But he knew that he still might have some time. He wanted to be with JP, even if their future was uncertain. He had to give it one last chance. He hopped out of the car and ran as fast as his feet could carry him, leaving his father calling after him.

  Chapter 27

  Darryn knocked on the door furiously, breathing heavily from running from his home. Mario answered with a confused look, scratching his closely-cut hair, “What’s going on? Why are you trying to break my door down?” he demanded.

  “Mario, you said that JP’s flight is today, right?” Darryn was out of breath and his face was flushed. He was speaking so fast that his words were hardly in the right order.

  “Yeah,” Mario responded, frowning. “He said he’s leaving this afternoon. What’s this all about?”

  “I don’t have time to explain,” Darryn said, “but I need you to drive me to the airport right now. It’s a big emergency.”

  Mario was wearing a pair of boxer shorts and an old t-shirt, clearly not expecting visitors. He maintained his dazed look as he responded: “I need to get dressed first. But tell me what’s going on. You can’t give me such a big fright and not tell me what this is all about.”

  Darryn was exasperated. He wanted to rush Mario as much as possible, and he decided to just come out with it: “Okay, I’m gay, and I’m falling for JP, and I can’t let him go to Germany without telling him how I really feel. My dad had to go to work. Can you drive me to the airport or not?” Darryn looked behind Mario and saw that his mother and grandmother were sitting on the couch in the living room, staring at Darryn with their mouths agape. “Oh, hello,” he waved at them. “Nice weather today, isn’t it?” He looked back at Mario with determination.

  Mario was still scratching his head in confusion. “What’s going on now?” he asked.

  “Get your keys, Mario. We don’t have time!” Darryn barked, and Mario fumbled around inside until he returned wearing his slip-on shoes, a pair of shorts and a tattered jacket, his keys and wallet in his pockets. They spe
d off in the direction of the airport.

  ***

  Once Mario had wrapped his head around the idea, he warmed up to it quickly. “I wondered why he seemed so defensive of you with the other guys. Now it all makes sense!” Mario beamed a smile as he drove, but Darryn was too preoccupied to pay attention to Mario. He knew that he would only have a few minutes until JP’s plane boarded, and he would have lost his chance to tell him how he felt.

  Mario pulled up to the airport’s main entrance and Darryn rushed out of the car, not even closing the door behind him. He rushed into the terminal and pushed through the crowds of people with their luggage. He went up the stairs towards the terminal for international flights, and looked up at the information boards, breathing heavily. The flight to Munich was already boarding, but had not left yet. He could still be in time!

  Darryn found the nearest help desk and went up to the woman standing behind it. He asked her, speaking quickly but still trying to be polite: “Hi, can you tell me how to get to gate 5E? The flight to Munich.”

  The woman scrunched her face, “Oh, it’s quite far away. I’m not sure it you’ll be able to make it in time to board. We can’t hold the gates for anyone, unfortunately.”

  Darryn wanted to burst out in frustration, but restrained himself, saying, “I just need to know how to get there please.”