I was wrong before. When I said that nothing would ever be the same after Riley came back.
Things will never be the same now.
Because now…
He made his choice.
19
Losing You
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kendrick asks, his voice breaking the thoughtful silence keeping me company since we left the beach. We’ve been walking for a solid forty minutes with no goal, direction, or purpose. Or should I say, I’ve been walking with no goal, direction, or purpose and my poor cousin’s been following.
“Nope,” I say and try to swallow the painful pit in my throat. What’s there to talk about? Haze believed her. He believed the girl who ran away with his child instead of me. What’s done is done.
Shortly after we left the beach, I turned off my phone. Not because Haze was texting or calling me, but because he wasn’t.
And that silence…
That silence means he doesn’t regret it. That silence means that we really just broke up. I mean, come on, we haven’t even been dating for a month yet.
“What do you want to do now?”
“I don’t know. Walk off the face of the earth,” I whisper to myself.
He sighs. “He’s not worthy of you, Winter. Never has been, never will be.”
I don’t answer, staring into the emptiness. We’re in the middle of nowhere. A few buildings can be seen in the distance but none that I recognize.
“You never should’ve met the guy in the first place. It’s my fault. All of it.” He kicks a rock on the sidewalk with his foot.
“Don’t say that. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I had something to learn from him. Maybe Riley’s just the Universe giving me a chance to escape before this relationship ruins me.”
It kills me to say that. Hell, it kills me to even think that. It pains me that Haze Adams might just be a lesson. That he might be just a page in a book that’s still out there.
“And what lesson could that be?” he asks.
“I don’t know. Stay single for the rest of your life? Give up on men?” I try to joke. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
Another tear runs down my cheek, and I can tell Kendrick’s hurting for me.
“Want me to kick his ass?” he offers.
“Yes,” I say, but then retract myself. “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
“See? That’s exactly what I was trying to avoid. This is why I wanted you away from him. You don’t deserve to cry because he’s too much of a dumbass to see through that girl’s lies. Just say the word and I’ll take you far away from here.”
The thought spins around in my packed-with-regrets head. Maybe this is for the best. Because no matter how much of a liar Riley is, I can’t be the obstacle standing between a son and his father. She’ll never let Haze see Jake again if I stay.
“Take me home.” I contemplate how much these three little words are going to change my life.
“Home?” Kendrick asks, hesitant.
I immediately know what he means.
“Home.” I nod, my already fragile heart breaking for good.
He knows I’m not talking about the lake house.
The cab stops in front of the wood-built house for the last time, and the simple sound of the tires screeching makes me want to cry out all the water my body contains. I hoped Haze’s car wouldn’t be in the driveway. I hoped I could go in quickly, pack up my things, and be out of there.
Unfortunately, he’s home. I know me leaving without a goodbye would’ve been harsh. But so is not being chosen by your own boyfriend.
I pay the driver, drag my feet to the front door, and push it open. Kendrick follows behind me. I turn the corner and see Haze sitting on the couch with his face covered by his hands. He looks up quickly when we walk in. His eyes are bloodshot.
I can’t do this.
How did we go from there to here? How did we go from in love to completely shattered? How are we so broken when just this morning he picked up my pieces and put me back together?
“I’ll get our stuff,” Kendrick whispers and heads for the staircase. The second Kendrick’s footsteps fade up the stairs, Haze speaks.
“Where have you been?”
His eyes are filled with pain.
“Nowhere. Just walking around.”
“Oh.” His voice is weak.
I don’t force the conversation.
“Can we talk?” He pats the couch.
I sigh, walk to him, and sit down farther away from him than I usually would’ve. He doesn’t speak for a few seconds.
“I want you to tell me what really happened,” he whispers.
Here we go again.
“I already told you. She lied. I didn’t do any of those things. She was the one making threats. Not me.”
He sighs, his pale blue eyes begging me to come clean.
“You still don’t believe me.” I can’t stop the tears from coming back. Really? I just got them to leave.
“I want to. I really fucking do, but you have to admit it’s a little weird that you were so upset with Riley just this morning and then… then this happens. I wouldn’t be mad, Winter. I get it. We just started this relationship, and now everything’s changing. I wish things would go back to the way they were, too, but they can’t. Jacob’s here now, and he’s not going anywhere. Just tell me the truth, please,” he begs.
That’s when I snap.
“I did! I did tell you the truth, but you won’t listen. You won’t believe me. You refuse to see Riley for who she is because you know that if it’s true, if she really is a horrible person, you won’t be able to get to know your son. Do you still have feelings for her? Is that what this is about? If you want to be with her, then please, please just go ahead and put me out of my misery.”
I don’t mean that in the slightest, but I’m so angry I can’t help it. Shaking my head, I try to walk away, but he gets up and stops me, circling my arm before I can take another step.
“You can’t be serious right now.” He raises his voice. “I’ve done nothing but try to show you that I’m in love with you. I don’t want her. I wouldn’t want her in a million years. She could sell her freaking soul and I still wouldn’t want her. Don’t you get that?” he barks at me, and I can tell he’s fighting the urge to break something.
“Then why? After everything she’s done, why do you still believe her? After she ran away with your twins and didn’t even bother to call when one of them died? Why are you choosing to trust her over me?” We’re both shouting at this point.
I know he has no idea how to answer that. So I say the first thing that runs through my mind before he can gather a response.
“How do you know that Jacob is even your son?”
Color depletes from his face.
It was impulsive, and yes, I didn’t watch my mouth, but in the end, I mean it. A few days ago, I would’ve never doubted that Jake is Haze’s. They’re so similar I was sure Jake had to have Adams blood. But today, I saw what Riley’s capable of. The girl could lie her way out of anything.
“I heard her on the phone with a friend earlier. She didn’t know that I was listening. She kept talking about not letting someone find out the truth. It sounded like she was hiding something from some guy. Have you ever considered that maybe she’s lying to you?”
Haze’s stunned. He stares at me in silence, his chest moving up and down rapidly. I know my words hit hard.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re a hundred percent certain that Jake’s yours.”
He tries to speak but fails. The truth is, he has no clue.
“He looks like me. You said it yourself.”
“So? He’s so young. It’s too early to tell. You just… you can’t really be that gullible, can you? She left town when she had no reason to. The whole world was on her side. Why would she do that unless she had something to hide?”
“Winter, stop.” He refuses to look at me.
“If she lied about me, then what’s to say she didn’t lie about this?”
“I said stop!” he snaps, his tone catching me off guard. Surprisingly, his anger doesn’t scare me. It just shows me that I’m getting under his skin. He’s angry because he knows there’s a chance I might be right, and the thought terrifies him.
“Even if she did lie about what happened on the beach, she wouldn’t lie about something like this. I can’t…” He runs a quick hand through his hair. “I can’t believe that she could be so cruel.”
“Well, I can.”
He flinches. I give the shock in his eyes a few seconds to dissipate. He reaches for my hand and traps it in his. For a split second, I think he’s going to tell me that he believes me and apologize. Then maybe we can at least try to fix this.
But he proceeds to break my heart instead.
“You have to understand… He’s my son. I don’t give a shit about never seeing Riley again. But I can’t abandon Jacob. Not again. If to see him, I have to see her, then I’ll see her every day. I’m… I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You should never have to feel guilty for wanting to know your kid, Haze. And I’m not asking you to choose. I would never do that.”
I remove my hand from his grasp.
“But you have to.” Realization flashes in his gaze.
“Yes.” I look down, my throat hurting. “I have to choose because you can’t.”
“What does that mean?” He takes another step forward, and I turn my head, watching Kendrick pass through the kitchen with my stuff. He motions to our suitcases and walks out of the house. He’s going to pack the car.
“It means I have to go.” I turn away.
“Winter, wait, please…” he begs. “We can still make this work. We’ll find a way. We’ll—”
“Then what? What happens when she tries to tear us apart again and there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re terrified of losing your son? What happens the next time you don’t trust me? Haze… you didn’t even give me the benefit of the doubt,” I repeat as if saying it again will make him understand how much it hurt me. He asked me to give it to her but let me down when I needed him.
“I know and I’m a dumbass. I’m a fucking idiot for not listening to your side of the story. I’m sorry. I should have trusted you,” he says, the desperation in his voice torturing me.
“But you didn’t,” I murmur.
I know I can’t hide the truth anymore. The real reason behind it all. This isn’t about Riley lying. This isn’t even about him doubting me. It’s something else.
“I don’t want to be the stepmom, Haze.”
Saying it out loud finally pushes me over the edge.
I lose the war. I put down the weapons and admit a defeat that was evident from the start. The tears come streaming down my face. His features soften when he sees me wipe my eyes. At this point, breathing properly feels like a task you need a degree for.
“I don’t want you to have a kid with somebody else. I thought I could do it. But I can’t. I’m sorry.”
All hope is drained from the atmosphere.
There isn’t anything he can say to make this right. Because even if Riley stops lying, even if, for some unknown miracle, she stops wanting to be with him, she’ll still be the mother of his kid. There is no happy ending for us. There never was.
This is always.
And I can’t take always.
“All I see when I look at you is this life that we’ll never get to have together.” I choke. “All the firsts that you will give to her, and even when you do something as simple as smiling at Jake… it kills me. I don’t want to be this person, Haze. I don’t want to be the jealous girl on the outside looking in. I hate myself for it, but… it bothers me, and I can’t change that.”
He looks like he’s trying his hardest to think of the right thing to say. He’s searching for the one line that will somehow make all of this okay, but he won’t find it.
He won’t find it because it doesn’t exist.
“I was mad at Riley for wanting to spend the rest of her life with you, but I get it.” I place a hand on his cheek, look into those piercing eyes, and wonder if I’ll ever see them again. His eyes close at my touch, like he’s enjoying our last moment before it runs away and never comes back.
“I would’ve wanted forever, too.”
He clenches his jaw and fists to try and stop his feelings from breaking down his walls. Even in a moment like this, he won’t let himself be vulnerable. Seeing pain in his blue eyes suddenly feels like the saddest thing in the world. He looks down, staring at the floor. All I want to do is kiss him. I want him to drag me back to the bedroom where we’ll fix this without words. I want to run to him and tell him that everything’s going to be okay.
But I can’t. Because it’s not okay. None of it is.
I can’t bear to spend another second with him knowing it’ll be the last, so I turn around and start walking. I can hear the distant roar of Kendrick’s car outside.
Every step I take feels like a dagger to the heart. I lay my hand on the doorknob, but just as I’m about to turn it, he says the words that truly end me.
“So that’s it… I’m just going to lose you?”
My heart splits right in the middle.
I can’t answer. I just stand there, with my back facing him and my eyes flooded. I’m afraid if I turn around, I’ll fall back into his arms. If I turn around, I’ll stay.
“Say it.”
His words echo in my mind.
“Say you don’t love me anymore.”
Please, don’t do this to me.
“Haze…”
“Say it because it’s the only way I’ll ever move on.”
Please, don’t make this worse.
I can’t do worse.
“Winter, please,” his voice cracks.
This is my breaking point.
The tears evolve into sobs.
“Well, then, I guess you’ll never move on.”
I turn to look at him one last time and see a tear escape his eye. I can barely believe it. He’s crying. Haze is crying.
“Because I’m never going to stop loving you.”
Next thing I know the door’s closed behind me and I’m watching the lake house disappear in Kendrick’s rearview mirror along with our memories. They grow distant until they’re completely out of sight. Until they’re just that: memories. Memories of a time when we still stood a chance.
Kendrick doesn’t dare speak, just listening to me sniffle like a maniac. I’m crying so hard I’m legally blind at this point. He eventually turns on the radio to cover up his awkward witnessing of my breakdown.
What are you doing, Winter? You should be happy. You dodged the bullet, I tell myself.
But then why…
Why does it feel like I didn’t dodge it at all?
20
Blocked Numbers
“I’m starving,” Kendrick says, pulling up to a fast-food restaurant’s drive-through and rolling his window down. We’ve been on the road for way too many hours to count. Haze really did take me to the middle of nowhere. My cousin and I haven’t exchanged a word since we left the lake house. I’ve decided that I’m not in the mood to talk to him or anyone ever again, period.
“Hi, can I get four cheeseburgers—extra cheese, no ketchup—large fries, and a Coke?” Kendrick says.
I’m surprise that he got me two burgers. I’d barely eat one.
“Do you want anything?” He turns to me, and I scoff.
Of course this is all for him.
“You’re a pig, you know that?”
“There it is,” he says, proud of himself.
“What?”
“That smile.”
He’s right. I’ve almost never truly smiled since the day Riley showed up. It’s been a while since my life’s been nothing but tears and constant worries.
“Sir? Your order, please?” the employee insists.
“Rig
ht. Sorry. She’ll have a salad and water.”
“I’m sorry, what? Are you putting me on a diet?” I punch him in the arm.
“You’ll need to look your best for your next boy.” He wiggles his eyebrows, and I shudder, the thought stamping down my rib cage.
My next boy.
My next boy that won’t be Haze.
We get our food, and Kendrick parks the car.
“Come on, you’re driving.” He unbuckles his seat belt.
“What? Why?”
“I want to eat.”
“So I get to drive while you stuff your face? Thanks a lot.” I roll my eyes and switch to the driver’s side against my will. “How the hell am I going to eat a salad while driving?”
“I guess I’ll have to feed you.” He laughs.
“I hate you, you know that?”
We get back on the highway. We’re ridiculous. Kendrick trying to feed me while I drive, covering me in salad dressing and croutons, is a show I should probably pitch to Netflix. He makes sure to mock me every time he gives me a bite, and after a miserably long while, he says that my driving makes him sick and we switch places again.
What? I’m a good driver.
Sometimes.
After a few years, the GPS informs us that we only have one hour left on the road.
“Hey, did you guys find a replacement for Blake?” I ask.
“Yes.”
I wait a second for him to go on, but he doesn’t, so I say, “That’s it? That’s all I get? Who is he?”
“Some guy.” He shrugs.
I can tell he’s dodging my questions, but I don’t have the mental and physical strength to play detective today. Or ever.
“What about the boys? How are they?”
“They’re good. Alex’s got himself a girlfriend. And Will is still… well, Will.” He chuckles.
“Oh, a girlfriend? Is she nice?”
“Don’t know, never met her. Alex’s barely ever around anymore. His girlfriend’s keeping him busy.”
Unspoken Rules Page 18