He Remains Faithful

by Laurie Gilbreath

  Chapter 21

  Something was terribly wrong. The boundless energy Kelly had enjoyed had become almost more than she could bear. She lay awake for hours even though exhaustion racked her mind and body. She felt anxious and tired and troubled. As she thought about going to work and being “happy” day after day, Kelly wasn’t sure she could make it. Her heart was so heavy, and the whispers she had heard that Monday night were stirring again. Blocking them out had become almost impossible. She knew why; she had sinned against God. But she still didn’t feel remorse. She didn’t feel ready to repent. She needed more.

  However the most fearsome thing was something Kelly couldn’t even bring herself to think. She was so tired all the time, and for the past few days she had been queasy. There was a terrible taste in her mouth, and wearing a bra was painful. Worst of all, her period was late. She was never late. “I’m just stressed. My schedule is all off and I am too wired.” She tried to convince herself. Surely her period would come any day. It had to come any day.

  She and Andrew chatted occasionally at work, and they still enjoyed friendly and sometimes flirtatious banter back and forth. But he had not mentioned seeing her again, and she didn’t want to bring it up, even though she thought of him often. They days slipped by, and eventually the day for their presentation was upon them. They walked nervously down the hall together and entered the conference room. Then, like flipping a switch, each of them became professional and competent and ready for the task at hand. Their usual flow was there, and the presentation was impressive enough to win their clients’ approval. After Kelly returned to her office, she sighed heavily and checked her email. She saw Andrew’s message from the previous December and read it again. Then she impulsively sent an email to Andrew.

  “Hey, I have an excellent idea of how we can celebrate the success of our proposal. If you’re interested, just email me and I’ll expound. Kelly”

  Almost immediately, Kelly had a response.

  “Tempting, very tempting. You have no idea how tempting. But I can’t. I just can’t justify it.”

  What a stupid idea. Kelly couldn’t believe she had sent the email. She hid in her office with the door closed until she was sure Andrew had left. Her heart was jumping wildly, and the anxiety caused her to become short of breath. Feeling faint and nauseous, she put her head between her knees, but it did no good; the beads of sweat were already forming on her upper lip. She barely made it to the bathroom before she began vomiting. For several minutes she sat against the toilet, barely catching her breath before another wave hit. Stumbling back to her room, she grabbed her purse and drove herself home. How much longer could she take this endless anxiety and restlessness?

  Her answer came the next morning. It was Saturday, and Kelly did not get out of bed. Sometime during the night, darkness had overtaken her soul. She didn’t cry; she only lay in bed, staring at the wall or sleeping. Mike came in several times. He was obviously worried. It wasn’t like Kelly to stay in bed all day. But he couldn’t get her to tell him what was wrong. Sunday was the same. Her entire being just felt so heavy, she couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t cook, and couldn’t face interaction with another human being. Finally, Mike came in and sat on the foot of the bed.

  “Please tell me what’s wrong, Kelly.”

  Kelly felt her lip tremble. “I don’t know. I’m just so sad.” She turned her back to Mike. “I just want to be alone. I want to sleep.”

  “Are you okay to go to work tomorrow? Maybe you should stay home. The big presentation is over now.”

  “No,” Kelly said. “There are still details to take care of and a meeting to attend. Maybe if I don’t feel better I can take off tomorrow. Please just let me sleep. I’ll feel better tomorrow.” Mike looked doubtful, but he left the room so she could rest.

  Morning came, and Kelly didn’t feel much better, but at least she was cramping. Relief washed over her. How silly she had been to worry. She breathed an idle prayer of relief, chiding herself. Mike had decided to have a vasectomy after Sam, and he would have known that any baby couldn’t be his. Kelly took some ibuprofen, got ready, and went to work. At 10:00 she had a meeting to go to with several other agents. Halfway through the meeting however, terrible cramps seized her, worse than she ever remembered having and stealing her breath. She quietly slipped out and went to the bathroom.

  What she saw shocked her. She was bleeding badly. Very badly. This was unlike any period she had ever had. Something was wrong; she knew it instinctively. With shaking hands, she pulled out her cell phone and called the doctor. “It’s Kelly Bowling, one of your patients. I started my period late, and it’s really bad. I am in terrible pain and bleeding more than I ever have. I think something is wrong.” The nurse told her to come and that they would work her in.

  As Kelly sat in the waiting room, she held her stomach tightly, tears sliding down her face. She went to the bathroom twice to change, her bleeding was so heavy. Finally she was called back.

  “Kelly, you look very pale,” the nurse said. “Let me get your vitals, and I’ll try to have the doctor see you right away. I’d also like to get a urine sample and take some blood” Five minutes later, Dr. Little was in the exam room.

  “Hello Kelly. Tell me what’s going on.”

  Kelly suddenly burst into tears. “I was late, and then I started today. I hurt so badly, and the blood is coming so fast. I feel dizzy and terrible. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

  “Let’s take a look”

  Dr. Little examined her, looked at the results of the tests, and a shadow crossed his face. “Kelly, how late are you?”

  “A couple of weeks, why?”

  “I’m afraid you aren’t having a period. You’re having a miscarriage.”

  The world started spinning. Kelly felt suffocated. “I’m going to be sick,” she mumbled. Quick as a flash, Dr, Little placed a pan under her chin, and she vomited. Her breath started coming in gulps, and tiny dots began forming before her eyes. Dr. Little took away the pan and grabbed a paper bag, dumping the medication samples inside onto the table. He brought the bag to Kelly’s face, urging her to try to breathe normally. Finally the dots disappeared and Kelly no longer felt dizzy.

  “It’s a very early miscarriage. I can schedule a D&C for in the morning.”

  Kelly panicked. She couldn’t have surgery. Mike would know. He couldn’t know. No one could.

  “Do I have to have a D&C? Isn’t there another way?”

  Dr. Little closed his eyes. “This early, you could try to go through the miscarriage naturally. Your body will expel the fetus. But it may take a couple of weeks for the bleeding to stop. And it will be painful. You’ll need to come back here every few days so that I can make sure things are progressing properly. And if you don’t do it on your own, I will have to do the D&C anyway.”

  “That’s what I want to do. I want to do it naturally.”

  Dr. Little let out a sigh. “If that’s what you want. I can give you some medicine. But Kelly, this won’t be pleasant. You will need to stay in bed. You need to follow my instructions carefully. No lifting, nothing strenuous. Rest and check your bleeding. If you start having a lot of clotting, you will need to come in right away.”

  Somehow Kelly managed to dress and make it to her car. She locked the door and laid her head against the steering wheel. Sobs racked her body, and she cried out like a wounded animal. The physical pain she felt was nothing compared with the tearing she felt in her heart. She had sinned, she had committed adultery, and now she was losing another man’s baby. For the first time, she began to see what she had become.

  Kelly went straight to bed. Mike came into the bedroom when he arrived home, and she told him that she was having a very bad period, and the doctor had told her to rest. Mike didn’t question the information; he just told her to let him know if she needed anything. After Mike went to bed that ni
ght, she decided it was all right to sit up long enough to check her email. There was a message from Andrew. Her stomach lurched at the thought of reading it, but she opened it anyway.

  “Kelly,

  I need to tell you something that has been bothering me for a few weeks. I made a mistake. I never should have done what we did. I have made a lot of mistakes lately, and I am trying to fix my life. You are a good friend, and I don’t want this to change that.

  That being said, I am going to take our little secret to the grave, and I beg you to do the same. I don’t want to say anything to affect your life, and I would like you to do the same. I know that girls like to talk, and so you are probably bursting to tell someone. I know you and Megan are good friends, but please remember that she is my friend too, so please don’t tell her about us. I hope you understand. Again, I’m sorry; I feel like I used you, and I never meant to do that.

  Andrew”

  Kelly’s heart twisted in her chest. She had the answer to the question that had been in her mind ever since her talk with Andrew on his couch that fateful Saturday. There would be no more time with Andrew - ever. It was for the best. He was right; they had made a mistake, a mistake that had changed her life and broken her body. However, this latest bit of news was more than she could bear. She locked herself in the bathroom and turned on the shower to cover up her cries. Lying in the tub, her body was racked with pain, both physical and emotional. The cries came from deep within her soul, and she felt lonelier than she ever had. Mike didn’t want her, Andrew didn’t want her, and she couldn’t bear to think of what she had become and how she had given away her heart. She wanted to die, and she prayed that God would take her. The idea of her life continuing made her exhausted and desperate. Death would be a welcome guest.